Hi Elsie.
This is really hard for you and it is not surprising how confused your feelings are for your son. The Icarus Trust is a charity that has been set up to offer help to people, like yourself, who are being affected by the addiction of a family member or friend. If you would like to talk with someone who would have experience of what you are going through please contact us and we will put you in touch with one of our Family Friends. Talking with one of them might help you to make sense of what you are feeling and help you to find a way ahead.
You can contact us on help@icarustrust.org or visit the website http://www.icarustrust.org
Good luck!
