Hi,
I’m so sorry to read your story and how hurt you must feel.
Please contact The Icarus Trust If you feel it would be helpful. We are a charity that supports the friends and family who are affected by the addiction of a loved one. We have experienced trained volunteers called family friends who you could talk with. They would understand what you are dealing with. May be that would help you to make sense of how you are feeling.
You can contact us on help@icarustrust.org or visit the website http://www.icarustrust.org
Good luck with everything.