Hi,
I am so very sad to read your story and all the pain and hardship you have gone through. Please believe that none of it is your fault. Your children are lucky to have such a strong loving mum.
Sparky is right it doers sound like you could use some support for yourself. The Icarus Trust is a charity that was set up to support people like yourself who have been affected by a loved one’s addiction. We have trained experienced people that you could talk with. That might help you to make sense of what you have been through and what you want to do next. Its good to talk and they will understand what you are going through. This is a free service.
You can contact us on help@icarustrust.org or visit the website http://www.icarustrust.org
I do hope that you can find some support and that life gets better for you. Good luck!