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Hi,
First time posting about this and not 100% sure what to do next or where to go.
Also, sorry for the length…
Around the age of 8, my parents divorced and I chose to stay with my mum. (I still keep in touch with dad)
Unfortunately she developed a drinking problem. It got to the extent where I had to help her physically up to bed.
One moment I recall, I had to tell the taxi driver where our house was at the age of 12 because she was too drunk to speak, and the day later her friend apologised to me about the state of my own mother.
Over the years, the drink has led to the crux of 3 failed relationships, 2 broken limbs (hers, not mine) and a car crash, though thankfully, nothing too major.
It’s been having a big effect on my life too, at 18, I got some help because of depression and anger issues, but soon realised what the underlying cause was.
The disappointment and fustrations I have about my mum drinking, and then I feel guilty whenever I get mad at her.
Mad to the extent I want to hit her and think why should I get help for HER problems, but I hit doors/walls instead and she doesn’t understand why I’m upset/angry.
On the topic of upset, I feel I can’t show ANY negative emotion around her, as I’m a “drama queen”/”playing a game” so I’ve had to bottle it up.
I know some of the things she say’s don’t have much meaning, because alcohol. But when someone says they don’t care about their own health and are candidly talking about dying as a result, contradict themselves multiple times and in some cases, only replying with “uh”, it doesn’t do much for my own sanity.
Even special day’s aren’t sacred. Christmas, even birthdays. On my 24th (this year) I had to physically drag her into the house as she was lying on the grass in the dark. Even my girlfriend tried to talk to her (yes, even has no personal restraint for guests. Got so drunk she vomited in my room once when her then-partners daughter was stopping over…)
Despite multiple attempts of trying to stop; AA, tablets, hypnotherapy, 1-1 sessions, nothing has ever stuck and I’m admitting that as a family member, there’s nothing we can do or try.
Her family know, they even funded the hypnotherapy in a beleif that it’d help, only for my mum to tell them ‘it’s not for my drinking, it’s for my mental helth’… they stopped supporting her soon after. Her dad doesn’t want anything to do with her and both her mum and sister can see through her lies. They can’t really do much due to how far away they live so I’m on my own in the fire so to speak.
It’s a surprise how she hasn’t lost her job yet as a result either as surely the alcohol is still in the system when she goes to work.
The level of drunk most frequent is what I call the “sarcastic” phase. Slightly heavy on the feet, confrontational and short with questions and easily passes the blame or changes the subject to make themselves feel better at the expense of anyone elses feelings.
The only other level is “off the boat”, can’t stand, “uh” replies and almost passed out drunk.
It’s whenever she’s off work the day after, even starting at midday and the tipple of choice is always Vodka. Even after I know she drinks, she still hides the bottles.
The main question I have is, other than saving up to leave home or shove her in rehab, what else is there to do? Leave her to kill herself in a drinking related accident or waste my efforts trying to be the a good son.
It’s harming my relationship with her and my own love life as it’s affecting me as a person for so many years.
Also apologies for saying ‘even’ alot.
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Feel for you I have 2 druggy sons who do exactly the same to me except I get financial abuse as well. We both need to get away from these familly members but you sound like me you feel responsible for them that’s what they do to us. I’m struggling to get help from anyone. So many brick walls guess I just give up sell up and move away and hope I can live with my actions
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Hi Skeldo,
Its very sad to read your post and hear how long you’ve had to deal with your mum’s drinking. It’s not surprising to hear that it’s affecting you badly. Maybe you would like to talk with someone who would understand what you’re having to live with.
I work for a charity that gives support to people like you, who are living with a family member who has addictive behaviours. At The Icarus Trust we have a team of trained and experienced people who, if you got in touch, would listen to you and maybe help you to see the way ahead.
You can contact us on help@icarustrust.org or visit the website http://www.icarustrust.org
Good luck with everything.
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