- This topic has 12 replies, 5 voices, and was last updated 1 year, 5 months ago by knupssy.
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October 25, 2020 at 3:59 pm #6241knupssyParticipant
Hi,
I just discovered few weeks ago some coke in my husband’s jacket. After taking to some of his friends and even family members he has been doing it for several years. I guess at first it was a social thing, he worked with high end marketing agencies in London. But almost year ago he lost his job. Then it has been the spiral… he hasn’t been sleeping at normal night time in a year. He spends hours in his office drinking and now that I know, having small doses during the day. He combines coke with diapazan 10gr… Nose constantly congestionned, stomach bugs. Once or twice a week he goes spend the night at his friends.
Last August he asked me to separate. I didn’t know about the addiction but the behaviour (angriness, sleeping most day, not wanting to spend any time with his children…) was enough for me to agree. But I didn’t know he dragged also our finances in a catastrophic path.
I am now moving over Christmas with my children back to my parents in France. But I am quite concerned for him. He has been denying all of course. Probably due to child custody. But I still love him and I feel very frustrated not to be able to do anything. Any advice ?
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October 25, 2020 at 4:45 pm #19433debcParticipant
Hi Knupssy,
Welcome to the Forum, where you will find helpful advice from people in similar situations.
I am the Mum of an addict, although good at the moment, you never know.
Until he admits that he is an addict and needs help, then I would just look after yourself and your children and do what’s best for you.
It is very frustrating watching someone destroy themselves, there is help out there for them if they want it, it is the wanting it that’s the problem.
The money they spend on it is criminal, and I’m sure that as a family this could be spent on other things.
I admire you moving away, sometimes these things need to be done, I’m sure you will be happier and your children will enjoy being with their grandparents.
Keep in touch on here and read the other stories.
Take care.
Dx
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October 25, 2020 at 5:01 pm #19434knupssyParticipant
Thank you for your warm words.
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October 26, 2020 at 10:25 am #19453emmyParticipant
Hi, I’m new to the forum. I could have written your post myself. 14 years, 3 kids. My husbands behaviour sounds the exact same. He was also staying at a “friend’s” which turned out to be a female coworker.
How old are your children? How much do they understand. Did you get full custody to move?
My kids are 10, 8 & 4. Too young to understand. I really worry about how their fathers behaviour will effect them.
I wish I could move away too.
As Debc says above, the only thing we can do is look after overselves and our kids. Until our husbands can admit their addiction, then there’s very little we can do. ????
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October 26, 2020 at 11:12 am #19454knupssyParticipant
Hi,
Very similar. Kids 12, 8 and 5.
Yes he agreed to full custody. He says he will visit during weekend and half terms, but I really doubt it.
We told children we are moving due to financial issues. But my kids understand much more than we imagine. My 5 year old few weeks ago took the phone to talk to his dad “papa have you been drinking a lot of wine?”… and my eldest asked if papa is an alcoholic.
But my worry is that as for now, until we move he lives with us in a separate room, they still see him as usual waking up at 3pm. He likes to spend a bit of time with them talking about science, but I can see now that even in these moments he is under the influence of substances. Talks loudly and fast. He also screams a lot at them and me when he gets up.
It is all very tiring.
My second issue is that it is very hard to sit there and do nothing. I understand what everyone says about focusing on myself and children, but it is so painful to see him like this. It is so hard to accept the marriage is over etc.
And whenever we talk about the financial part of our separation he starts yelling at me … he refused to have a mediation and gets angry when I talk to a lawyer. Threatening me to call the police for domestic abuse…
He does have few moments of lucidity. He did ask for forgiveness few times. But he refuses to admit his addiction and the financial side of it, nor his now severe health issues. I only asked him to talk to his therapist about it and his GP, but he started yelling at me…
Novembre will be very long.
He wants us to spend Christmas together but really it will all be very hard.
I love him so much still. Which is the most difficult part.
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October 26, 2020 at 4:12 pm #19456emmyParticipant
It really is a horrible situation. I think you are doing the right thing getting the kids away.
If youre still in the house with him then use this time wisely. Im 15 months into the divorce process. Try and find as much evidence as possible. Photo copy all essential documents, house deeds, bank statements, pension plans, birth and marriage certificates. Try and find anything that shows how much he’s spent on drugs. If you can prove you were financially disadvantaged due to his spending then you can fight for more in the divorce. Take photos of any evidence of alcohol or drug use.
I know that all sounds horrible, but I wish someone had told me this 2 years ago. The custody of my kids is all through court. My (ex) husband still denies the extent of his drug use, even though the drug tests prove he’s a heavy user.
I wouldn’t try and discuss anything with your husband when he’s under the influence. During lucid times try and discuss how much you would like in financial (child) support. If he agrees to a set sum then your lawyer can draw up the paperwork to make it legal.
You are absolutely not to blame for his problems. Nothing you do will make him better or worse. That’s all on him.
Atm my ex sees the kids with supervision but the kids sometimes don’t want to go. His mum or sister supervises but they arent nice to me. We’ve fallen out too many times, all about his drug use.
I’m very tempted to stop contact altogether but I’m terrified he’ll spiral and get worse. But then maybe that’s what he needs to hit rock bottom and seek help.
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October 26, 2020 at 5:35 pm #19460icarus-trustParticipant
Hi Knupssy,
Thanks for sharing your story. I’m very glad that you have found this forum because, as DebC says, there are some good people on here that will support you.
You sound like a really strong person, but I can see how difficult things are for you until you move. If you would like some help for yourself please contact us at The Icarus Trust. We are a charity that supports the family around the addict as we know how difficult that can be for them.
If you contact us one of our experienced trained people would be in touch. Maybe talking would help you, but they can also ;let you know what other help is available.
You can contact Icarus Trust on help@icarustrust.org or visit our website http://www.icarustrust.org
All the best to you and the family.
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March 11, 2023 at 10:33 pm #32757knupssyParticipant
Dear all,
i wanted to write tonight as it has been two years and a half since I wrote my post.
Since then I have moved back to France and I am
now divorced. I had to spend the first year at my parents with my three kids. I was hard. But I found a job and got the divorce acted. It took two years dur to COVID etc.
My ex sees the kids for most half terms. He is in his third relationship since I left, but seems to settle with the last one…
I am very frustrated as I have no visibility on his addiction. I know finances are catastrophic but he does pay the allowance.
Another issue is that he still threats me often and is still in full denial. He never recognised the fact that he was a cocainoman. I suspect his girlfriend takes some too but again … I have no visibility.
I am always stressed when kids go spend time with him. Even if I know it is good for them to see their father, my eldest is now 14… so I wonder what will happen when he is old enough to party with his dad. How does that work? Will he offer him some coke?
I am also worried for my allowance as I never know how is my ex doing with his job etc.
Moreover I just worry for my children’s father health. I know it shouldn’t be my worry anymore… but I spent 17 years with him. So yes I do care.Overall, my new start has been a success. I feel much happier now. I breathe again. I am free. I found new joys in my life. It is such a wonderful feeling. I am sad of course for my children and not to be in a marriage anymore… but I am thankful I survived that very heavy ordeal.
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March 12, 2023 at 9:44 am #32758brighterdays1234Participant
Hi Knupssy,
I am so glad to hear your new start has been a success. I am at the stage in my situation where I am considering moving away with my children. Not as far as you but 2-3hours from where I am now.
I have been with my partner for 13 years, have two children together and my stepson. For 10 years my partner has been very up and down using alcohol and talking to other women. He’s always gone through periods of real lows and highs, making it hard to get support from him with the children or me emotionally. Ive been very lonely at times because of him. I’ve made many excuses for him over the years, he’s stressed with our business, stressed with my children, upset at his parents or friends etc.
It started to get at its worse over 2 1/2 years ago when I found messages on his phone arranging to meet a prostitute , going to her flat then leaving then asking to go back for a massage to see if it could relax him. He did this while me and his children were asleep at home. I was very upset at the time and thought I’d leave him but he won me round and said he had just used coke with his friend for the first time and didn’t know what he was doing. We started couples counselling and I thought we had hit rock bottom but were going to get through it. I was wrong.
Last June 2022 I found out he had been using cocaine every other day since December 2021, he had been texting escorts he denies sleeping with them, had terrible mood swings, anger outbursts, sleeping all day including on Mother’s Day and my birthday. He said he was doing it because he was depressed so I got a GP appt for him and he started on antidepressants , I also got a psychologists appointment for him for another assessment etc which helped him get a diagnosis. Then last week I got him a psychiatrist appointment to help him get medication for his other condition as he’s been really low and struggling. This nightmare has continued though as he refuses to admit he has a drug problem. He takes cocaine every 3 days I think but has increased to 11 grams in one session he tells me, he’s barely keeping the business afloat but won’t let me help with it, which worries me with our joint finances, he disappears for a day or night, uses all night, misses children’s plays at school, gets very paranoid to the point of searching the house for men in the night or thinking people are tracking him. So I asked him to go to stay at his parents as I was worried for me and the kids. As he’s a different person when he’s on drugs. It’s been going on like this for about 16 months now he’s spent £80,000- £90,000 that I know of on cocaine, probably more now though he won’t let me see his bank account details or phone records but all his savings plus money from our business has been spent.
In the heat of the moment he will text me endless messages saying how I’ve never supported him and I don’t care about him and making him stay at his parents is making it all worse and he can’t get well there. But I can’t have him at the house. His family knows and 2 of his good friends know, he has all the rehab details of all local places, we’ve all tried to get him to go, cocaine anonymous meetings, ADAPT etc but it has to come from him. He doesn’t want to.
Even though I love him the things he’s done and said to me over the years and his constant cocaine use now have just took its toll on my self esteem and confidence. I feel like he’s a totally different person and I wonder if I could ever trust him again let alone ever want to be intimate, with him. As I still don’t believe he’s told me the truth about the escorts. I wonder once you’ve seen the other side to the man you devoted everything too you can never unsee it. I feel like maybe it’s time for me to walk away now and move to be closer to my family with my children. So I can secure a future for us. I’m concerned though about moving the children from their friends and school, also I’d have to increase my working hours, but to be close to my family with my own home and to feel safe that he can’t destroy it all makes me think I should.
I worry leaving him will completely destroy him though but if I stay I’m worried it will be too much for my mental health. At the moment when he’s not on drugs he can see the children with me around and I know how hard it would be for my children to move away from him but I can’t see another way out of this nightmare. He’s put me in an impossible position.
So confused, I just want the best for my children and to make sure they aren’t damaged by it all.Thanks x
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March 12, 2023 at 8:46 pm #32760knupssyParticipant
<p style=”text-align: center;”>Dear Brighterdays,</p>
such a beautiful pseudo … and indeed there are brighter days ahead.
I am reading your post, and it all sounds soo familiar. It seems like a joke. But indeed, it is not.
This a real nightmare and I can only give all my sympathy. There are days when I still have doubts, when I think, what if this was all not true? But then, I actually got confirmation by several people that it was all true. Then I hold my children dearly and I thank God I was able to pull the strength to leave.My dad is a Christian orthodox priest. So for me leaving my husband was hard, due to moral etc. I never even knew any other man than my husband. I loved him dearly. When in the middle of my struggle, two years ago, I asked my father for advice: Dad, should I actually get divorce? He then replied: Only you can answer that question.
It took me some time to make the move, but as of today I can say this was the only solution we had. My children are much better settled now and have a quiet and balanced life. They see their father regularly and things go ok. I do worry when they go there, but at the end of the day I prefer for them to see him even if I have no much visibility on his health. He has an official girlfriend… she used to be one of our common friends. I am pretty sure she takes coke too. But maybe she brings him the help he never accepted from me. Who knows …?
I still cry some days. I also started dating and have a sex life again… after years of being left aside. I practice rowing. I paint again. I feel wonderful physically. Mentally I still need to work on myself. Mainly to understand why I accepted my ex lies and verbal abuse for so many years.
As I am a Christian I do pray daily for my ex, for his recovery. I hope one day he will get out of the denial.
Some people do recover… like from alcoholism. So we need to keep hope for them, for our children. Also to get that assurance back that the part of our marriage before addiction was genuine and that this was all a life accident.
So. Even if you leave it doesn’t mean you are abandoning him… Choosing is never losing. It is doing what is best for you and the kids. Raising the children away from his struggles is probably best for you. Children deserve a happy mum and a peaceful home. It doesn’t mean you don’t love the other one… just that you will focus on yourself to find the strength to raise the kids. Shift the energy. And then happy children and happy mother of the children would probably be one of the best therapy for your ex.
I know it is hard. Take the time. But in any case don’t wait for any coming out from your hubby as it might never come. As scary as it seems.Be confident and trust your own instinct.
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April 2, 2023 at 10:33 pm #34962brighterdays1234Participant
Thank you for your kind reply and for giving me some hope.
I have tried to be strong and have made various changes towards me moving with the children. My partner has been very up and down and changed his mood a lot. He’s been trying to get me to talk to him about it all but I didn’t feel he was in the right place as he’s only 2 weeks into his recovery. But he pushed and pushed to talk about our relationship.
Finally yesterday he asked to meet with me as he lives at his parents at the moment to talk which I did. He seemed really well really positive etc. He asked me my plans and I told him that I think we might have to sell the house and me and the boys to move to be closer to my family. At the time he said he understood and that if he were me he would do the same thing. We talked about not being together and just seeing what happens in the future. It was left okay he seemed okay.
Then this morning I woke up to messages saying he had taken drugs again and that he was weaker than he thought etc. it started off nice saying you should take the children and leave to then clearing out the bank account and threatening me. He then carried on and saying he was gonna kill himself and that I had planned everything and I had blood on my hands because I had caused this.He then took an overdose of cocaine as he wanted to die. A ambulance got called by his parents as he was unconscious. He ended up in hospital and then came round just asking for me constantly so I went to the hospital. He was very upset and said he doesn’t want to be here if it’s not with me and our children. He got spoke to by a mental health worker who was no help as apparently at the weekend they can’t help with drugs and alcohol issues.
So he got discharged back to his parents where he hates as he doesn’t get on with them and he’s feeling worse than ever because hes got no help. I went there to comfort him and try to get him to go to private detox/ rehab again. I held his hand while he cried and hugged him when he told me he wanted to die. I reminded him how much the children love him and how he can do it.
But now I don’t know what to do! I really am feeling trapped, alone and worried more than ever about everything. How can I support him whiteout giving him false hope. How can I move now this has happened how can I do anything. How can I have a fresh start as I’m sure next time he will succeed in killing himself as this time we were lucky as we found his car but next time I’m sure he ll hide it somewhere we wouldn’t find him.Any advice I’d really appreciate I’m feeling hopeless xxx
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April 5, 2023 at 4:49 am #34973knupssyParticipant
Hi,
this story sounds a lot to take.
<p style=”text-align: left;”>The thing is that, only he can take his fate in hands.
Of course you feel the need to be here for him. But you need to put kids first and yourself first. Happy mum happy kids.</p>
Also, you need to distinguish what is being there for himand taking steps for you and kids. Moving out doesn’t mean you cut the rope. You just take a bit of distance to breathe and find energy to battle. It’s not quiting, it’s just taking a rest, that is necessary to be there for the children. And they deserve to have a fully rested happy mum.
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March 12, 2023 at 9:18 pm #32761knupssyParticipant
I also want to add that within my numerous steps to set our new life, my kids have been seeing a therapist which I see with them punctually.
My eldest son has unfortunately been very much damaged psychologically but we work on his issues and my youngest ones (5 when I left 7 now and 8 when I left 11 now) are doing wonderfully.
But it has been a huge adjustment for us. The first year me and kids were all going through phases of anger and distress. But we made it through. We now have a normal life. No more screams at home (at least less than it use to be!), and when they spend time with their dad he is there for them (he still doesn’t wake up to make them breakfast and mostly order pizza ????) but well…
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