16 years of marriage and 3 kids…

Hi Knupssy,

Welcome to the Forum, where you will find helpful advice from people in similar situations.

I am the Mum of an addict, although good at the moment, you never know.

Until he admits that he is an addict and needs help, then I would just look after yourself and your children and do what’s best for you.

It is very frustrating watching someone destroy themselves, there is help out there for them if they want it, it is the wanting it that’s the problem.

The money they spend on it is criminal, and I’m sure that as a family this could be spent on other things.

I admire you moving away, sometimes these things need to be done, I’m sure you will be happier and your children will enjoy being with their grandparents.

Keep in touch on here and read the other stories.

Take care.

Dx

Hi, I’m new to the forum. I could have written your post myself. 14 years, 3 kids. My husbands behaviour sounds the exact same. He was also staying at a “friend’s” which turned out to be a female coworker.

How old are your children? How much do they understand. Did you get full custody to move?

My kids are 10, 8 & 4. Too young to understand. I really worry about how their fathers behaviour will effect them.

I wish I could move away too.

As Debc says above, the only thing we can do is look after overselves and our kids. Until our husbands can admit their addiction, then there’s very little we can do. ????

It really is a horrible situation. I think you are doing the right thing getting the kids away.

If youre still in the house with him then use this time wisely. Im 15 months into the divorce process. Try and find as much evidence as possible. Photo copy all essential documents, house deeds, bank statements, pension plans, birth and marriage certificates. Try and find anything that shows how much he’s spent on drugs. If you can prove you were financially disadvantaged due to his spending then you can fight for more in the divorce. Take photos of any evidence of alcohol or drug use.

I know that all sounds horrible, but I wish someone had told me this 2 years ago. The custody of my kids is all through court. My (ex) husband still denies the extent of his drug use, even though the drug tests prove he’s a heavy user.

I wouldn’t try and discuss anything with your husband when he’s under the influence. During lucid times try and discuss how much you would like in financial (child) support. If he agrees to a set sum then your lawyer can draw up the paperwork to make it legal.

You are absolutely not to blame for his problems. Nothing you do will make him better or worse. That’s all on him.

Atm my ex sees the kids with supervision but the kids sometimes don’t want to go. His mum or sister supervises but they arent nice to me. We’ve fallen out too many times, all about his drug use.

I’m very tempted to stop contact altogether but I’m terrified he’ll spiral and get worse. But then maybe that’s what he needs to hit rock bottom and seek help.

Hi Knupssy,

Thanks for sharing your story. I’m very glad that you have found this forum because, as DebC says, there are some good people on here that will support you.

You sound like a really strong person, but I can see how difficult things are for you until you move. If you would like some help for yourself please contact us at The Icarus Trust. We are a charity that supports the family around the addict as we know how difficult that can be for them.

If you contact us one of our experienced trained people would be in touch. Maybe talking would help you, but they can also ;let you know what other help is available.

You can contact Icarus Trust on help@icarustrust.org or visit our website http://www.icarustrust.org

All the best to you and the family.

Hi Knupssy,

I am so glad to hear your new start has been a success. I am at the stage in my situation where I am considering moving away with my children. Not as far as you but 2-3hours from where I am now.

I have been with my partner for 13 years, have two children together and my stepson. For 10 years my partner has been very up and down using alcohol and talking to other women. He’s always gone through periods of real lows and highs, making it hard to get support from him with the children or me emotionally. Ive been very lonely at times because of him. I’ve made many excuses for him over the years, he’s stressed with our business, stressed with my children, upset at his parents or friends etc.
It started to get at its worse over 2 1/2 years ago when I found messages on his phone arranging to meet a prostitute , going to her flat then leaving then asking to go back for a massage to see if it could relax him. He did this while me and his children were asleep at home. I was very upset at the time and thought I’d leave him but he won me round and said he had just used coke with his friend for the first time and didn’t know what he was doing. We started couples counselling and I thought we had hit rock bottom but were going to get through it. I was wrong.
Last June 2022 I found out he had been using cocaine every other day since December 2021, he had been texting escorts he denies sleeping with them, had terrible mood swings, anger outbursts, sleeping all day including on Mother’s Day and my birthday. He said he was doing it because he was depressed so I got a GP appt for him and he started on antidepressants , I also got a psychologists appointment for him for another assessment etc which helped him get a diagnosis. Then last week I got him a psychiatrist  appointment to help him get medication for his other condition as he’s been really low and struggling. This nightmare has continued though as he refuses to admit he has a drug problem. He takes cocaine every 3 days I think but has increased to 11 grams in one session he tells me, he’s barely keeping the business afloat but won’t let me help with it, which worries me with our joint finances, he disappears  for a day or night, uses all night, misses children’s plays at school, gets very paranoid to the point of searching the house for men in the night or thinking people are tracking him. So I asked him to go to stay at his parents as I was worried for me and the kids. As he’s a different person when he’s on drugs. It’s been going on like this for about 16 months now he’s spent £80,000- £90,000 that I know of on cocaine, probably more now though he won’t let me see his bank account details or phone records but all his savings plus money from our business has been spent.
In the heat of the moment he will text me endless messages saying how I’ve never supported him and I don’t care about him and making him stay at his parents is making it all worse and he can’t get well there. But I can’t have him at the house. His family knows and 2 of his good friends know, he has all the rehab details of all local places, we’ve all tried to get him to go, cocaine anonymous meetings, ADAPT etc but it has to come from him. He doesn’t want to.
Even though I love him the things he’s done and said to me over the years and his constant cocaine use now have just took its toll on my self esteem and confidence. I feel like he’s a totally different person and I wonder if I could ever trust him again let alone ever want to be intimate, with him. As I still don’t believe he’s told me the truth about the escorts. I wonder once you’ve seen the other side to the man you devoted everything too you can never unsee it. I feel like maybe it’s time for me to walk away now and move to be closer to my family with my children. So I can secure a future for us. I’m concerned though about moving the children from their friends and school, also I’d have to increase my working hours, but to be close to my family with my own home and to feel safe that he can’t destroy it all makes me think I should.
I worry leaving him will completely destroy him though but if I stay I’m worried it will be too much for my mental health. At the moment when he’s not on drugs he can see the children with me around and I know how hard it would be for my children to move away from him but I can’t see another way out of this nightmare. He’s put me in an impossible position.
So confused, I just want the best for my children and to make sure they aren’t damaged by it all.

Thanks x