37 weeks pregnant need some advice please.

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    • March 16, 2021 at 10:57 am #6589
      redfox20
      Participant

      Hi all haven’t posted on here in a while as been trying to make things work with my partner of 10 years who is the father to my two children & currently pregnant and due in 2 weeks with our third. He has a cocaine addiction which came to light after he walked out last august he stayed away for 4 months and hit rock bottom was missing work not paying for he’s car etc an using. Suddenly he turned it all around he sorted he’s car out was working turning up to see the kids etc and was quite keen to show me that I could trust him if I was to let him back home. December he stayed for Xmas then he moved back in he’s relapsed 3 times since then first time I found evidence in the house he admitted after me threatening to get him to do a drug test. Second time he went to take he’s mum shopping then didn’t come home stayed in he’s car all night drinking & using. This was two weeks ago he admitted he has a problem and said he don’t need help but believes he can stop and will talk to me if he feels like using again. Fast forward to yesterday nearly two weeks since the last disappearing act he went shopping to get us dinner then left the food outside my house then text to say “sorry I fucked up again I’m staying away tonight speak tomorrow sorry” he will have slept in car and gone work today and will return later to our house no doubt. What do I do i need advice I can’t keep having this I’m stuck in this cycle with him im due in 2 weeks and worried he will run off again when I’m about to go in hospital im having a c section so will need he’s help after during recovery if he stays here and doesn’t use in that time before he could leave again. What I want to do is tell him to leave our home stay with he’s mums then come to the birth help me afterwards then once I’ve recovered to go back to he’s mums until he gets some professional help I don’t see a relationship with him but right now need to do what’s best for my kids and unborn baby. Any advice would be appreciated thanks.

    • April 21, 2021 at 5:39 am #22732
      becky90
      Participant

      Hi, you replied to me on another post but I thought I’d reply on here instead as it gets a bit confusing otherwise.

      It’s so difficult isn’t it, have you heard from him yet? I go through the exact same emotions, when he is doing well I just want him to come home and for us to be a family but when he uses I don’t want him around me or the kids. I think you’re right all we can do is keep going for the children.

      My partner is/was clean since last Friday but I’m pretty sure he done something last night. He usually turns off his Internet at night, but when he’s using he turns it off to look like he has gone to bed and then turns it back on when he knows I’ll be asleep. My son woke up so I checked whatsapp and my messages are all now delivered. Its draining isn’t it.

      Congratulations on your little one!

      • April 21, 2021 at 10:24 am #22736
        redfox20
        Participant

        Hi Becky, I’m feel exactly the same when he’s good he’s brilliant & couldn’t be more supportive but when he’s using he’s unreliable distant and acts like we don’t exist, and I hate him. He’s read my messages on WhatsApp yesterday a day later but hasn’t said anything I told him he’s either in or out our lives and I haven’t got time for games this was before I found evidence in the van. If he does get in touch I’m going to ignore it as hard as it will be he needs to be taught a lesson that I won’t always be there or the kids. I have reached the point where I can’t take any more of the disappearing and lies we’re not even living together and he’s not making the effort to come back home our daughter is 3 weeks and he’s already had a slip I don’t want her being part of this cycle like our two sons have been an let down. I feel so much better that I don’t have to worry about him it’s hard being a single mum to 4 kids I have another from previous but I’m in control now not him. Sorry to hear that you think you’re partner has used again they do play games with their phones don’t they so frustrating. Does he still live with you? Thank you i wish things were different for my baby girl but she has me he’s not the same person he was before and I’m learning to stop clinging on to him as he was and take him as he is now as it’s too upsetting for me. I’m from London too east x

    • April 21, 2021 at 12:21 pm #22738
      becky90
      Participant

      It must be hard when you should be able to enjoy the new baby bubble and you have the extra stress. It does make you sad for the kids sake too doesn’t it, my partner told the kids he was going to see them early last week and then let them down saying he was unwell, my daughter said to me after “I bet he’s not ill really, why does he lie so much and let us down”. It broke my heart. He does see them regularly, when he’s using he obviously doesn’t see them but they dont understand why.

      It is really hard to ignore them when they message etc especially when they are asking for help but like you I feel so much healthier when he isn’t here and having to worry constantly.

      No he isn’t living here anymore, I asked him to move out a year ago. He did do it last night, he denied it at first but has now admitted it. He said if I won’t let him come home he will sleep in his car outside so I know he isn’t doing anything. I have told him if he doesn’t want to get professional help then I can no longer help him and I’ve left it at that.

      • April 21, 2021 at 10:15 pm #22749
        redfox20
        Participant

        Yeah it has been a weird time having my baby with all this going on, ive been on cloud 9 then depressed and my anxiety hit a all time high the day after I came home with the baby, everything hit me I think as I didn’t let it really hit me hard when I was pregnant as he was disappearing then and my anxiety was bad they say the more anxiety you have in pregnancy the worse it will hit you after. It got so bad I had an ambulance called to my house to check me over I was convinced something was really wrong with me he was there but left before they come said let me know he said to me it was me doing it and was my anxiety ive since told him that it was him that caused all that because of all the shit before she was born. We didn’t even spend baby’s first night together like we did with our boys and live together it was me my mum and my the 4 children while he took the boys or popped up occasionally to see the baby. She’s our first daughter we have wanted an wished for her for so long so when things didn’t turn out how I thought they would be having her it took a long time to process & accept it. I have to ignore him they don’t see any issue ignoring us when it suits them I don’t have anything more to say or give and I think it will give him the motivation he needs it worked before he hit rock bottom but kidded himself that he could stop when he can’t he wants to try and said he wants to come back home one day but I can’t have all the worry in the meantime and let downs I will be there or the kids will when he’s clean and sorted if he ever does he has so much debt too we have a car on finance that’s parked outside my house as it’s in he’s mums address he hasn’t paid one payment on he’s really messed up it’s he problem now I love him but don’t like him and wouldn’t accept this behaviour from anyone and just because we have kids shouldn’t mean I have to either. That’s good he sees them regularly and that he says he’s ill even though he’s not at least he’s gives some excuse doesn’t make it any better I know. That’s the right thing to do be there when he gets the help but until then you do you & kids the more we care love and be there for them it adds fuel to the addiction. It’s so hard accessing help as face to face meetings are closed due to COVID it’s all zoom meetings my partner joined the ca uk one said all they spoke about was god and he said it didn’t help I was gutted I think he only did it to look good to me really. He won’t go to a gp either it’s so sad but ive got to cut ties now and hope he finally kicks it. It’s crazy how it grips them when they have everything going for them we had such a good relationship and life together before all this it’s sad really but my reality I can’t hold on to the past hurts too much. Everyday he’s not here I’m getting stronger so can see that it was him making me feel mentally mentally ill and that’s what it does to you and they don’t even realise how it affects us they never will.

    • April 21, 2021 at 11:32 pm #22750
      becky90
      Participant

      It’s crazy how similar their behaviour is, even down to the car on finance, my other half has made 2 payments in over a year, used covid payment holidays as an excuse but he didn’t need them. He’s also in other debt too.

      I’m so sorry to hear that your anxiety has been bad, I’m glad you’re feeling a bit stronger now. Take some time for yourself when you can.

    • April 25, 2021 at 12:25 pm #22792
      dot
      Participant

      Hi Red,

      What a predicament you are definitely in…

      Such horrible timing as well. Best thing you can do is focus on you and the baby and ignore his behaviours till after the baby is here. You don’t want to be stressing yourself out and he’s also not going to change in such little time.

      The good news from this is you know when he’s doing it! You know he’s actually doing it and you know he is going to come back as well. But don’t condone his behaviour and tell him when the baby is here you are going to address it all..

      Take that for now but when the baby is here you can decide what you want.

      Addiction is awful.

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