[clare-b]

My lovely daughter had ADHD as a child at the age of 14 she started using cannabis and pills. By 16 she was addicted to heroin and had several suicide attempts. she would steal and lie. We tried everything. She had runaway from home several times. I found her one night almost comatose. She refused to come home but sat in my car trying to get me to give her money. Eventually she fell asleep so I carefully drove her home which is miles away into the country. The next day she broke down and asked for help. We got her into a private rehab for six weeks. After which she had a naltrexone implant. She started attending NA and met a man (she was 18). They moved in together and she got pregnant. When my grandson was 6 months old and she was pregnant again they both relapsed. She got help and was ok for a while but they both relapsed again during her pregnancy. Both went on methadone. They detoxes off this but relapsed. They were due to have another implant so we took them to Scotland for a week as they couldn’t have the implant if they showed any opiates in the drug test. One night they disappeared. Leaving us with the children. They managed to find heroin in the highlands! They got hold of some Valium to help with withdrawals but as we were driving through a big city on the way to the implant centre my daughter tried to jump out of the car. When we got to the hotel near the implant centre she did a runner she came back and said she had used. I locked her shoes and clothes in the safe. She started banging her head against the wall making a large hole. They both had their implant. But within months they started to use again. He got into trouble with the police and ended up in prison. She started using cocaine and heroin. I Ihad the grandchildren staying with me but went to visit her when they were at nursery. I found her unconsiois with a heroin over dose. She ended up on the high dependency unit for several days. Her arm began to swell as she had lain on it in her coma She developed compartment syndrome and they had to cut her arm from top to bottom. She had already had two absesses from injecting and nearly lost one of her arms. In fact they thought she might have anthrax. The children we’re put on the child protection register and placed in our care. Eventually they improved and got the children back. But then relapsed so the children came back to is again for a while. They were due to start a treatment at the clinic. I drove them there but they walked off to go and score leaving me with the children. Eventually they did start the treatment and got the children back. But they did not trust each other. One day my daughter disappeared with the children. She came back but her partner had had enough so they split up. I helped her get a flat. He kept the children as she was chaotic. I helped her get a flat but before long she started getting into trouble with the police and demanding money. She was very manipulative and I was too soft. She would phone in the middle of the night saying there were dealers banging on her window. Gradually she started losing her friends. On New Year’s Eve she found herself alone and was sitting on her bed surrounded by needles and crack pipes etc. she drove for three hours to our house and was in a bad way. We decided to give her a chance and encouraged her to stay with us. We had three other children as well. She agreed and did brilliantly. During this time our grand children’s father had a breakdown in the muddle if the night and insisted we took the youngest child. We informer social services and they visited. He was so aggressive they removed the older child and brought him to us. They have stayed with us ever since. My daughter did great for 5 months but one night she disappeared for several days and stole a large amount if money from our account. She came back saying she had reformed a relationship with the boy she used heroin with when she was 16 and wanted him to be part if the family. She admitted she had relapsed We said she could come back but there would be no chance if having this person around the kids. She decided she would rather be with him and disappeared again. She turned up in the middle if the night a few days later. She had been using . Social services had warned us if she used she would have to leave our home. It was agonising but I had to ask her to leave. She grabbed a knife from the kitchen and threatened to kill herself. She drove off a very high speed and called us to say she was going to drive into a wall. We called the police as we were so scared. She ended up getting arrested. I found her the next day when she was released and managed to persuade her to go to rehab. She didn’t last llong and was kicked out. She made contact with friends and was very chaotic for a while. Eventually she settled down and met someone. He had a history of cannabis heels and domestic violence. She got pregnant and had another child. The social services said she could not be on her own when the baby was born because of their histories so she went and stayed with my first husband and his wife whilst they assessed them. It has taken 10 months to assess them. She was doing really well and had a negative hair drug test. He continued to use cannabis which did not go down well with social services. One night they were at friends and she gor very drunk and aggressive and had a go at him for smoking cannabis. It escalated and the police got involved. She ended up disappearing for several days and relapsing. I was on holiday at the time. I was shocked when I saw her when we got home. She came out in her pyjama bottoms and no shoes. Her leg was very swollen Probably from injecting in her veins. Her face was a mess. She is staying with a friend and has been told she can only see her baby once a week in a contact centre . She continues to use and lie. Most of her friends and family have disowned her. She is staying with a girl who is an ex coke addict. She keeps asking for money. She Says she owes dealers money and her friends landlord is threatening to throw them out. And the dealers are at the door. Before I know it she has manipulated me again and left me feeling awful. She is lovely. A beautiful person but hidden now underneath the horribleness of drugs. Her friend tells me she us mixing heroin with cocaine and alcohol. My heart is aching for the beautiful girl with a huge smile . I really thought she had beaten it this time. I don’t know what to do . She has a new flat hat needs work. I live 3 hours away but I find it so hard to say no when she needs help. I can’t sleep at night. She has lost three children now though drugs. She is devastated She seems to able to be well for no more than 18 months and then it all falls apart again. It is so sad. Please excuse the length of this and the poor spelling. Any advise? Should I help her set up her flat , should I pay her drug debts – if I she will be threatened or worse. It is now 4.30 am. I am going to try and get some sleep.

[sk]

Hi can I just say first of all how amazing you are.

I personally think enough is enough you have done everything you can for her and been there for her through thick and thin. I know it must be really difficult for you but its time for your daughter to stand on her own two feet she knows exactly what she is doing and how to pull on your heart strings thats just what addicts do. Its time for change you need to think about yourself for a change and your other family members and step back. She will know you will be worried about her and no one can say you have’nt tried your best for your child but there is only so much you can do. I think its time she got herself sorted out without your help, you have done enough.

I really wish you well. Take care xx

[cant-take-no-more]

You don’t have to be part of the addiction Hunni….I made the hardest decision I’ve ever made as a mother,and told my son while he continued to use I was done,and didn’t want to see him or speak to him. We went through over 4 years, and after facing facts, it was the only thing left to do….addiction left its mark on every family member. Enjoy your Christmas as much as you can with your daughter and mum..they deserve and you deserve a peaceful time…take care xxxx

[icarus-trust]

Hi,
Thanks for posting. It must be very hard for you right now.
I work for a charity called The Icarus Trust that supports the family and friends of people with addictions. It might help you to talk with one of our experienced trained volunteers. They would understand what you are dealing with and talking might help you find a way ahead. We offer this as a free service.
You can contact us on help@icarustrust.org or visit the website http://www.icarustrust.org
Good luck with everything.

[smum]

I am sat here early hours of the morning, as I couldn’t sleep, looking for help and guidance. Reading your stories, makes me feel like I am not alone. My son who is 29, has been clean for about 7 months, he had been doing so well, but the past couple of weeks has relapsed. I found him this morning, sat in his room drinking and using coke. I feel so helpless, as I supported him through recovery and thought we had turned a corner and now blame myself, as I feel like I have become less vigilant and didn’t see the signs. Your stories help because, I know I shouldn’t feel guilty, but it’s hard to watch that self destruction. I miss my son, who is kind and loving, but has changedto being withdrawn and aggressive. Sometimes you have to let them go, which is the hardest part.

[singlemummy]

I can not imagine the heartbreak of seeing your own child going through this and being powerless to stop it. I stopped bailing my husbamd out and left – he lost his job, racked up even more debt and upped his use of drugs to daily. BUT he then reached rock bottom and could see what his life had become. That was what saved him. But like i said i cant image how to do that when its your son, im so sorry you are going through this. I hope u have family and friends who can support YOU. Sorry im not being any help – but i didnt want to read and not write anything.

[Anonymous]

Hi there,

Thanks for posting. We are very sorry to hear about your issues, it sounds like you’ve got a huge amount of things to deal with.

A couple of organisations which may be able to give you some advice:

Families Anonymous run a national helpline which you may find useful, and specialise in supporting families affected by substance use – 0845 1200 660.
Release provide free legal advice on drug issues, and a helpline – 020 7324 2989.

Lastly, if you ever feel like you just need to talk to someone and share what you are going through you can call the Samaritans at any time on 08457 90 90 90.

Wishing you all the best,

Adfam

[icarus-trust]

Hi

I’m so sorry that you are going through such a bad time. There is also The Icarus Trust a charity that supports families and friends affected by loved one’s addictions. We have trained volunteers that you could talk to if you think it would help to give you some support.

You can contact us on help@icarustrust.org or visit the website http://www.icarustrust.org

I hope this will help. Good luck.

[gaf2016]

Thank you so much for your messages I really appreciate it. I am going to ADAS on Monday. Thank. You for the contact numbers too. I will definitely be in touch. Thanks again.
Singlemummy thank you for sharing your story with me. I hope you are now happy. I have heard that the rock bottom was a fallicy but obviously not. I have got to a point with him where I still love him but don’t like him. This makes me so sad, how can you not like your own son. Thank you for writing to me x

[singlemummy]

Counselling helped me see that hate (or dislike) and love are not relative to one another, it was perfectly okay for me to both love and hate at the same time. At the moment his behaviour is defining him and it is the behaviour which you dont like – its not your son the person u know and love making these decisions but the addict. hes still in there somewhere and you are amazing for not giving up on him x

[gaf2016]

Thank you Singlemummy, that’s the first time in two years that someone has said I am amazing for not giving up on him. You have great advice there thank you so much x

[mother-of-an-addict]

Well done to your son for managing 7 months this might not be as bad as you think there may have been an event which triggered this relapse talk to him if you can he will be feeling as bad as you knowing he has failed but, tell him to get back on the ‘bike’

[Anonymous]

Hi there,

Thanks for posting. We are very sorry to hear about your issues, it sounds like you’ve got a huge amount of things to deal with.

Families Anonymous run a national helpline which you may find useful, and specialise in supporting families and friends affected by substance use – 0845 1200 660.

If you ever feel like you just need to talk to someone and share what you are going through you can call the Samaritans at any time on 08457 90 90 90.

Wishing you all the best,

Adfam

[panda]

Thank you for reading my story, I will try these numbers you sent me.
Wishing you all the best too
Panda

[icarus-trust]

Hi,

I’m so sorry to read your story and how hurt you must feel.

Please contact The Icarus Trust If you feel it would be helpful. We are a charity that supports the friends and family who are affected by the addiction of a loved one. We have experienced trained volunteers called family friends who you could talk with. They would understand what you are dealing with. May be that would help you to make sense of how you are feeling.

You can contact us on help@icarustrust.org or visit the website http://www.icarustrust.org

Good luck with everything.

[icarus-trust]

Hi,
Sorry to hear about the hard choices you are having to make but good advice from fellow bloggers.
If you would like any more help Icarus Trust is a charity which has trained volunteers who would talk to you. This is a free service and they all have experienced living with addicts in the family so would understand where you are coming from.
You can contact us on help@icarustrust.org or visit the website http://www.icarustrust.org
I hope you are able to have a good Christmas. Good luck.

[cant-take-no-more]

Oh my..what a truly wonderful parent you are….I only wonder when it will end whilst you continue to enable…and as for the rest of your family, its such a shame you all have to endure her pain on a regular basis… BUT, there comes a time when you have to say enough is enough…Addicts are manipulators, liars, thieves and until she can put someone before herself then I would let her get on with it…..Im interested to know who pays for her car?? I really hope you start to concentrate on yourself and the rest of the family xxxx

[cant-take-no-more]

Hey mother of an addict….all your fears were my fears,all the negative bull that comes with an addict were in my life too,and it took me a while to get my head round the fact that I was adding to his problems….I was constantly saving him,enabling him…giving him a room, after he lost the flat WE helped him get, we furnished, we substadised his bills….saving him, by giving him money, we never got back, making excuses and burying our heads….he too has a small child, and it was then I realised his life was far from normal…I got support, read everything I could and realised his addiction was eating away at our family, I worked with his ex, and we decided he could only see his child when not under the influence of anything…then I kicked his ass out,and told him until he was ready to get help I was done…not easy, in fact as a mother I felt I was letting him down..I stopped giving money and told extended family the same….so he had no one to lie to, he then did 6 weeks in prison and I had no contact,other than letters..they all said the same…make the choice.! I’m a real believer that it has to come from them, life changing decisions…and it’s not easy, ….so he got himself a counsellor, then a job, and rang me….he is back in our lives..has relapsed afew times, cause addiction isn’t a fairy tale..recovery is hard work, and it takes real willpower..when he thinks he may fail, he rings, we talk, he speaks to the professions. His support network is his doctor, counsellor, psych councellor, his boss at work, and ofcourse his family…he will always be in recovery,but as time goes on he is making better decisions….I am learning to trust him again,it’s hard, but I love my son and want him to have a great life …it’s not. Uch to ask,but for an ex addict it’s enormous just to get through the day….you must get yourself support,and realise as parents we can’t make those changes for them, they have to want it! Letting go is hard, but in our case I wish I had stopped enabling sooner! Hugs xxx

[icarus-trust]

Thanks so much for sharing your story. I’m so glad that things are turning out well for you, your daughter and your husband.
You are right about looking after yourself. The Icarus Trust is a charity that supports people like yourself who are affected by a loved ones’ addiction.
You can contact us on help@icarustrust.org or visit the website http://www.icarustrust.org
Keep strong and all the best.

[icarus-trust]

Hi,
This must be so hard for you to deal with but there is support for you out there.
A charity called Icarus Trust supports families and friends of addicts. We have trained people, called Family Friends, who would be able to talk with you and understand where you are coming from. This is a free service. They would also be able to signpost you to other support that is available for you if you want it.
You can contact us on help@icarustrust.org or visit the website http://www.icarustrust.org
I really hope that this might give you the support to help you help your son.

[lolipop]

Hi .. Your post could have been my own 12 months ago ! I understand exactly how you feel . My son smokes the dreaded skunk all the while and still lives at home he too was aggresive and confrontational he was arrested and charged with driving while unfit and banned for 18 months . I finally took steps to take back my life I phoned a drug addiction help centre got a councellour and attended family support meetings . I too have a daughter who is now 18 I arranged for her to see a young persons councillor through our local drug support charity it helped her tremendously . My son still lives at home I am just not ready to ask him to leave but I working on it ! He no longer screams shouts throws things or demands money he doesn’t use in our home I have told him over the last few years I love him with all my heart I wish he would seek help if he does look like he’s going to kick off I have told him I will ring the police and have him removed from ou r home . He his respectful to all of us I hope someday he will take steps to change but I doubt it ! I don’t have any answers sorry but know that I understand how you sending you a hug xx

[sad-and-tired]

I ended up throwing my son out, something I thought I would never do, I stopped enabling him, it is slowly working, he went down before I saw him come up. Sometimes we have to be cruel to be kind, be strong…all I can say is I am starting to see results. Don’t beat yourself up, my job is similar to yours, drugs can touch anyones life….x

[icarus-trust]

Hi,
Thank you for sharing your story. I’m so sorry that Emily’s drug use is affecting you and your family so badly.
If you would like to talk with people who have had lots of experience of what you are going through please contact The Icarus Trust.
We are a charity that supports people like yourself who are having to deal with the impact of a loved one’s addiction. We know how hard this is so offer a free service called ‘Family Friends.’ If you contact us we can put you in touch with one of our experienced trained volunteers. Talking with one of them might help you to find a way forward.
You can contact us on help@icarustrust.org or visit the website http://www.icarustrust.org
Good luck with everything.

[clare-b]

Thanks for your comments. I got good at not been manipulated during her last relapse but this one caught me off guard. It is hard because she has mental health problems and is adopted. But I know you are right. I get angry with myself when I fall for it again. Two nights ago her friend who she is staying with called to say she (the friend) was being held in the car of a drug dealer and being threatened because of my daughter’s debts. This friend is fed up with my daughter I gave in and paid the debt transferred money to her account. I could hear the dealer threatening. Not sure if this is one big charade and I was a mug again. I told her friend no more. Anyway my daughter has admitted now she needs to get some help. I gave her the numbers for the drug service. I just hope she uses it. I have been so good at detaching over last few years. I feel like I have relapsed! I went on a one day course a couple of years ago aimed at helping families to stop enabling. It was really useful. I might do it again – I think I need to! Thanks so much again xxxx

[cant-take-no-more]

Ive heard it all…the wanting to kill themselves, the people after them, the dire BS……..I withdrew from it all, and stopped all communication ….that hurt him the most, and he then knew he had to sort himself out, if he ever wanted to be the father he kept saying he was…He is at this moment keeping appointments with counselors, medical staff, recruitment consultants…he had all but deleted the so called friends he hung out with…We know its hard, we know at any time he could relapse, and we know this is HIS fight……Im apprehensive, scared and at the same time hopeful…..and when I see him, he is clear eyed looking healthier and calm..I can converse with him, laugh and see he is trying….Today he rang me in the morning inviting me to breakfast….he had been to the job centre, then had a 30 minute training session on interviewing skills…I know it doesnt sound alot, but I felt proud of him..I could have burst….he ended the phone call by telling me he loved me……now that in itself is a mamoth step forward…

[lolipop]

Hi .. I wish I could go back to when I first found out my son was experimenting with drugs , I would certainly do something about it . Speak to your doctor they can help find some counselling for you and your beautiful daughter . You need to do something now about this . Don’t assume it’s a phase and she’ll grow out of it . You can help your daughter make good healthy choices for her life please do it and prevent her going down the path of self destruction that many of us on this forum have witnessed with our own loved ones . Sending you a hug . Be strong for your daughter xxx

[big-brother]

Thank you
We talked and shouted and talked and cried but we talked I think it’s stoped but will take your advise and assume nothing .Shes got quinsy at the moment so her tonsils are being removed in 2 weeks so I’m at her beck and call and I like it that way thanks for taking the time to care big hug from us back at you xx one day at a time xx

[icarus-trust]

Hi,
Hope things are all going ok still.
If you need anyone to talk to The Icarus Trust is a charity which supports families of addicts.
We have trained volunteers who you could talk things through with you which may help. Also they would be able to signpost you or your daughter to other help that’s available.
Good luck.

[icarus-trust]

Hi Mel,
Hi mel,
I can see how worried you are for your sister and nephew.
Please contact The Icarus Trust as we are a charity that supports people who are dealing with a loved one’s addictive behaviour. We could signpost you to support that is available for both your sister and you.
You can contact us on help@icarustrust.org or visit the website http://www.icarustrust.org
Good luck!

[icarus-trust]

Sorry didn’t give you any contact details!
You can contact us on help@icarustrust.org or visit the website http://www.icarustrust.org

[clare-b]

I really admire how strong you have been. It must have been heartbreaking for you. So pleased things are going well at the moment. I really hope this continues for you. A counsellor once told me try to enjoy the good times because relapse may never happen but if it does you know you are strong enough to cope. Xx

[gladysnibbles]

dear cookie have read your post how old is your child.my son has also left this last week so im in the same boat so to speak .if you would like to share i would love to listen

[sparky]

As a recovering addict who has a supportive partner I thank every day that she is still by my side. I am unique in so far as I seem to be able to hold back from sliding into total chaos so the damage I do is less. I’ve still lied and been a jerk like all addicts are but I suppose there is enough of good in me to keep her with me.

I am working on my issues. I am getting help and I want to change.

All I can say to you is that you gave it your best and you are not to blame for him not stopping.

You are to be admired for trying so hard.

Also if you can find a little forgiveness in your heart for he will be hurting so much. Addiction is the cruelest of all mental illnesses. The drugs ease your pain for a bit but then create even more than before. Dragging you down until there is nothing left of you.

I hope I have found the stop button. I am sorry your husband didn’t, for both of you.

[too-long]

I wish you all the best in your fight to battle your addiction, your partner obviously sees the beautiful person that is behind the addiction. Forgiveness I’m finding is very hard this time there has been so much of it over 18years. I find i can’t forgive the pain and suffering he has now caused for our child. I’ve forgiven behavior i would not tolerate from anyone else for the beautiful person i met and love. This last time i became a person that i hated and didn’t recognise because of the pain he was causing my child.

[sparky]

Hi again.

It was late when I replied to your first post and actually re-reading it you need to get some help from a professional group. Whether or not you choose to stay with him, get back together or whatever relationship you decide to keep with him, you need support.

As a recovering addict I also can see that you have been trying so hard to help him and rescue him and in fact that’s often a mistake. You need to look after you and then get some boundaries in place. Of course he has been trying to get you to do this and that. His addiction is in control and you can’t change him. Only he can choose to change but you can change what you do and I guarantee it will help YOU and maybe him.

I don’t know what help you have had but Adfam are just one of many groups that will offer you advice and support and ways that might make all the difference to you.

One of the things I can see that you are doing through being a caring person is actually enabling him and there are ways to stop that and for him to still be in your life if you want that.

Enabling sounds like it’s your fault but it’s what we all naturally do for someone we care about. So to learn how to stop it, you need help for you. It sounds odd for an addict to be telling you that doesn’t it? Yes he needs help but he needs to seek it.

I bet you if you get some help, put some boundaries in place and get some help for you then your life will improve.

I’m not an expert so please reach out to someone who is.

[icarus-trust]

Hi,

I am so very sad to read your story and all the pain and hardship you have gone through. Please believe that none of it is your fault. Your children are lucky to have such a strong loving mum.

Sparky is right it doers sound like you could use some support for yourself. The Icarus Trust is a charity that was set up to support people like yourself who have been affected by a loved one’s addiction. We have trained experienced people that you could talk with. That might help you to make sense of what you have been through and what you want to do next. Its good to talk and they will understand what you are going through. This is a free service.

You can contact us on help@icarustrust.org or visit the website http://www.icarustrust.org

I do hope that you can find some support and that life gets better for you. Good luck!

[icarus-trust]

Thank you Sparky for sharing your story.

[icarus-trust]

Hi Cookie,
I work for a charity called The Icarus Trust. We support people like yourself who are dealing with the affects of addiction. If you would like to talk to someone who may be able to help, we have experienced trained volunteers called ‘Family Friends’. These have experienced similar issues to yourself and would understand where you are coming from. It may help you to talk with one of them.
You can contact us on help@icarustrust.org or visit the website http://www.icarustrust.org
Good luck.

[Anonymous]

Hi Bananacake,
Thank you for sharing your story, and we are sorry to hear about the difficult situation you find yourself in. We would always suggest that if you ever feel that your safety is at risk you should contact the police.

Also, you can contact Hertfordshire County Council Adult Care Services on 0300 123 4042

Best wishes,
Adfam

[icarus-trust]

Hi Bananacake,

So sorry to read your story and to see how difficult it is for you to be in your own home at the moment. This must be very stressful for you. If you need to talk with anyone The Icarus Trust is a charity that supports friends and family of addicts. Please contact us if you think it would help to talk with people who understand what you are going through.
You can contact us on help@icarustrust.org or visit the website http://www.icarustrust.org
Wishing you all the best.

[Author]

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