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So I’m 5 years in,
I’ve been his rock, paid his debts, I ran the house and worked while he spent our money on a range of drugs,
He led us both down that path but it wasn’t for me, I got out.
We hung on to each other through 3 miscarriages, I thought we wanted the same thing
But when corona hit he was in a downward spiral already, moved out and back to his mums where he and his best friend have spent almost every other day since getting wasted on beer and cocaine.
I was pregnant again, I fell apart when he left but I found strength and got help, I got into counseling and dragged myself out of depression, this time and I think because I was finally away from the stress of his screaming and anger I had a beautiful baby girl – she’s the love of my life!! And I’m the best me I’ve ever been. I’m far from perfect but I’m happy, I’m kind and I’m the best mummy. I think I always felt guilty so doing that stuff never sat with me well, and until I met him I had no clue or interest in it so I guess I had a lucky escape. I was always aware of the waste of money and how dirty I’d feel if my family found out.
He was high the whole time, even the night before I had her,
Skip to now,
I love him! I really do! I couldn’t hate him if I tried!, that would make this all so much easier.
But no change,
Always an excuse,
It’s football! It’s darts! It’s my day off!
He spends his wages the month before on tick, and betting and beer and then expects people to feel sorry for him that he’s broke but no one knows where his money is going but me, he skips food for 3 or more days at a time, I helped him put weight on but he’s back to skin n bones, am I the only one who sees it?
I see him maybe once a week so he can see our baby and he cries that he misses us but then follows it up by collecting his friend and doing more.
He drives my car because I want to help him and he needs to work, I buy him a meal if we go out when I see him, I encourage him to be around baby in the hope he will make some effort to curb his addiction.
He’s living at his mothers still, the slightest thing sends him on a crazy screaming crying and ranting thing.
Last night again, I had no idea he had left me and gone straight home to do that, i sent a text just asking why after such a lovely day together and why so quick as it had only been around half an hour, he lost the plot! Screaming and crying and punching, he called me in the middle of it, his friend was with him, watching him, I could hear his mum in the background begging him to calm down.
It scares me that he can’t see how crazy this all is! That his friend just watches on!! And his mum thinks it’s just beer! She blames me, thinking I’m the one winding him up, she has no clue that it’s cocaine that’s twisting his brain.
And today I wake up feeling so lost, I cry over him, I want him back but I’m scared he will never stop!
We watched a man he knew and didn’t like become homeless and beg in our town, we watched him walk the streets shouting and then we saw the headlines when he was found dead a year later.
He won’t even think about how this will be him.
I’m scared for him, I love him, I don’t want to walk away and leave him with nothing to live for but he shows no signs of even trying.
He said he misses me and our baby but I no the routine, he’s on a 2 day cycle and it’s destroying him. He even considers his dealers as close friends. I no there is no hope, I just wish I had a friend who I could confide in that could hug me right now as I’m mourning a beautiful man that’s killing himself.
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Hi there my situation is so similar to yours I could if written it myself but I’m 10 years In 3 children and not long had my first baby girl 4 months ago my pregnant was hell he abandoned me countless times to go use and it resulted in me getting such awful anxiety that became worse after she was born. I’ve now cut off I only see him fortnightly to see children it’s been one weekend so far he is hot then cold and plays mind games I think it’s because I’ve got myself out of the situation and he’s miserable hence trying to drag me into it. I have felt exactly the same I’ve tried to help him felt sorry for him thought of the man he was before and I will tell you this will only make you feel more pain in the long run as being addicted to cocaine they don’t care only act as they do they think of themselves only, do you feel you’re putting all the effort in with him seeing you’re daughter? Is he a good father despite not paying for her my ex is a good father when he’s with them but acts like he couldn’t care less when he’s not. My best advice for your sanity is concentrate on you and your daughter let him worry about himself and you concentrate on you. If you don’t want to be in the relationship that’s fine too you can walk away put yourself first as if you stay sadly it will only get worse. If you want to chat I check in here most days, take care you are not alone x
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I’m glad you are focusing on yourself it’s so important, I never knew in the beginning how bad it would break me and just how bad my anxiety would get before I cut him off completely and ended the relationship, it’s been nearly a year since it became obvious that even if he wanted to stop coke he can’t he has to have it despite the consequences I wouldn’t say he’s an addict but he’s certainly dependent that’s for sure he’s lost jobs though got into debt. Before this like yourselves we went on holidays he never let me pay for a thing always treated us to a better life and bought me luxuries and truly made me feel loved content and happy like yours though he has he’s demons mentally that’s why they turn to it unfortunately as they numb the pain. It completely changes them to a point they will lie to your face and cause you so much emotional pain and show no remorse it’s hard to disconnect the two the person before and the person now but I have to i get to upset thinking about the past and what the future could of been I just know me and the kids deserve better we don’t need the upset of worrying about if he goes out will he come home if he goes work will he come back. One time he went and got the weekly food shop left it outside my door then text im sorry I’ve fucked up the disappointment anxiety and anger I felt was unreal. I don’t understand it and never will I can only educate myself which is what helps me with dealing with he’s personality now I don’t expect much either best that way oh & I never believe a word he says. I haven’t moved on but I’m trying to I don’t know if I will trust another man again it will take a long time mentally to date again or get with someone but right now that’s the last thing on my mind. Just myself and the children are what matters he had he’s chances and unfortunately blew them. I don’t have friends my mum is a great support but she’s sick of hearing about him now tbh so I come on here read stories help others sometimes vent and it does help hope getting things off your chest helped lightened the load a little. X
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Yeah people do get fed up with you it’s hard not to argue with them too as you feel so frustrated and no one can make it better nor give you the answers they just say forget about it and accept it not so easy when you have spent years with this person who you feel you don’t even recognise anymore. I too did my pregnancy alone our first daughter she was so wanted and we spoke about her for years and hoping we would have a girl together as he’s first daughter he doesn’t see he’s ex doesn’t let him even before the drug problems. All he did was cause me stress through my pregnancy apologised by text but never seemed remorseful really, it just felt like sorry was just a word in the end, he very nearly wasn’t at the birth as he disappeared 6 days before my c section he messaged said about it what I was doing if we were both going being the nice person I am I didn’t deny him it made the situation not the same as before my anxiety was through the roof as he wasn’t my protector anymore & it felt like it was just me meeting my beautiful girl, you get so annoyed looking at their little faces thinking of how someone could do this with someone so precious in their lives and not care I’ll never understand it. I won’t send pics or videos he made the choice to miss out he doesn’t even ask how any of them are I’m a nice person quite reasonable so it’s he’s issue as to why he doesn’t get in touch it’s clearly coz he’s one thing on he’s mind. It does help getting it out on here even writing it down anything to not vent at them because that would be like talking to a brick wall. Wish we could all have a WhatsApp group it would be our very own therapy lol x
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Hi you will have good and bad days try to to look to the future no one knows what will happen. Don’t give up hope but don’t expect anything either it’s the best way, focus on you and heal don’t back down or feel sorry for him, if he wants to change he will if he doesn’t you’re better off rid of him I know you love him I still love my ex but I love me more and I’m putting me first and my kids of course they are my main motivation reason to get up in the mornings on my bad days. We all want the happy ending but we have to create our own sometimes and just go with trust that time will help cliche I know stick to no contact that will protect you and your mental health. Only speak to him if he initiates anything or asks about he’s daughter nothing else, the less contact the better cut him off and hopefully he sees sense and finds a way to be there for you if he doesn’t there is nothing wrong you nor your beautiful baby girl can change never feel to blame for leaving you have one life live it! It will take time if he’s going to change and things may get much worse than better but at least you’re not around stuck in the cycle with him you’re free and you’re putting your needs first which is all you can do with an addict unfortunately. X
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*Try not look to the future
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I resonate so much with your story. I’m so sorry you’re also going through this. My world started to fall apart in April when out of the blue my husband did not coke home for 3 days. Very unlike him, we always had such a great bond and told each other how lucky we were all the time. The couple of weeks following I never knew if he would be coming home or not – he had never done anything like this before. He was suddenly so mean and cold. Freaking out over the littlest things. Not wanting to talk at all. Then I found a message on our computer from one of his friends that said “the next time you do coke I’m punching you”. As soon as I saw that all of the irrational behavior that didn’t make sense suddenly did. But of course even confronting him that night he said it was only a couple times (over the course of 5 months?) and that he was done with it. I’m positive he was on it during our conversation. I have friends that used it in the past and as soon as that was out I can now pinpoint it. He’s now said he can’t commit to coming home anymore and has left me (he’s been out of the house 2.5 months now) Ive noticed several occasions since he left the house that he’s been on it. Just no denying it for me. Not himself at all. Our friends notice a change in his personality and he doesn’t talk to any of them anymore. He’s got a whole new life suddenly, a new job, new friends. I ask myself is it just a coincidence that in the same timeframe I find out your using coke (and it’s clearly a problem) is the same time you feel our marriage isn’t going to work? We were just talking about our future children weeks before this all came about… just really struggling to know if his brain has just been completely altered because of the drugs or if this is truly a clear minded decision 🙁
So hard when you don’t have any answers… He would rather sleep on a “friends” couch now than in his home with his wife. He calls and acts like this is all normal. It blows my mind. Thanks to anyone who reads this and can offer any advice. Xo
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I can tell you that when they are in addiction it changes there brain massively . My partner has lost all her none coke friends as she has no time for them . Her only friends are the dealer and 1 friend she uses with.
Hardly sees any of her family any more . I think they push us away because they can’t handle the things they know they have done to us , the lies the stealing etc…they know deep down that they have done wrong , but this drug takes over there life’s . My partner never spent a night away from me in 8 years , until she started taking coke then she was always staying in friends .
She’s pushed me away loads of times before and I think she does it because she tells me she doesn’t want me to waste my life with her . It’s like she’s given up trying to fight the addiction and doesn’t want it to hurt me .
It’s such a hard position to be in as one day they want help and Want to change , and you finally think the penny has dropped but then a few hours later they don’t have a problem …..
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I have had the thought many times that he is just so ashamed of what he has done to me (I also found messages of him with other women – he was SO against cheating and was disgusted with anyone who would do this before). He hasn’t owned up to anything he’s done or apologized once. This all just happened so fast. Literally the month of April then poof he’s gone and done with me. Out of no where, no one would have ever seen this coming. And I went to his family as I was so concerned and I think this made him push me away even more. They don’t see a problem though as “he seems fine” when they talk to him… which is for what 5 mins a day? To this day he would act like I’m insane if I tried to accuse him of using.
Its helpful to know that you can relate to the all of a sudden they take coke they want to stay out at friends, the lies, etc.
Just crazy that he thinks this is normal… I was prescribed anxiety medication because of all this and he was pestering me to find out why I was at the doctors so I told him. He says “is it because your homesick??” Like he didn’t just leave me and drain our account or anything… just unbelievable and delusional. He seems to just be on another planet sometimes. Couldn’t even remember what city our lawyers were in, took our pillows saying he thought they were his dads? Telling me things and not remembering at all when apparently sober…
I know all sings point to the drug but still so hard when I’m the only one who sees it.
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Yeah your absolutely right , I’m the only one who can see what’s shes doing . I’ve lived with her for 2 years while she’s been taking coke .
When I finally told her family it was a massive move for me to make and one I didn’t talk lightly .
But I did it because I wanted eveyone else to help as much as I had been doing on my own .
But it was easier for them to bury there heads in the sand and take her word for it intsead of mine .
Her dad said to me , she’s saying she’s only took it once or twice , and she’s only taking it because of your toxic relationship and I have to believe her over you .
I said , she’s a drug addict and they lie . Why would I make this up ?!
But like I said most of these issues are from child hood trauma from her mum and dad , so no wonder they don’t want to know .
They really lack empathy massively , it’s not there fault it’s just what addiction does . We’ve lost everything because of this and it’s like she doesn’t even know whats going on
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Yep same thing here, he says he’s only taken it a few times. He told his parents he’s unhappy with me. News to me because over the last 3 years we would tell each other weekly that we were happy. Says he’s been trying to convince himself this whole time… that we’ve never had chemistry. I’m sorry but why would you marry me then and cry to me just in March of how much you loved me? Just insane. And so sad. I miss my real husband and at this rate I’m very scared he will never come back to reality or give me answers that I deserve. I think that’s the hardest part just not knowing or understanding exactly what happened. Are you still seeing your partner?
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Friday night she texted me saying she wants us to get back together. She still wants us to sell the house and she wants us to move to a different location. She said she didn’t know how to sort it out tho as she’s obviously told her family that I was the problem !
So we are in a bit of a mess because we have accepted an offer on the house now .
But the thing I’m struggling with is if I can trust her again . We went out yesterday and she was constantly on her phone then she went to stay in her nans . So she could of gone anywhere last night and done anything then back to he nans and I wouldn’t know .
As she doesn’t tell her nan when she’s staying with me cos otherwise they would ask her , well if he’s so bad and it’s over , why are you staying there .
There’s just a whole web of lies she’s trying to keep ontop off and keep everyone happy and away from the truth .
She said she loved me last night for the first time in months so I’m not sure if things are starting to hit home now or not.
She has told me she’s phoned the gp today to try and get into rehab . I’m not sure if it’s true or not as there’s no way of me knowing ….
That’s the problem I really have now is all the trust has gone , cos she’s lies about the littlest things now ….
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Also they push you away to hide the addiction from you too, it’s mostly shame as they do feel it as that’s why they use to escape it. Any decent person wouldn’t associate with them so they lose friends and only keep people in their lives that enable or use with, their circles will get smaller and smaller until they are using alone and everyday and that’s when they may or take a look at themselves.
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Hi thank you, it’s such a horrible situation to be in isn’t it it’s a living nightmare. I saw the progression of the addiction so it’s not been that much of a shock what has shocked me is the change in him he’s morals responsibilities all out the window along with he’s bills and everything else they only care about one thing the cocaine. It must of been such a shock to you to finally realise what was the reason for hes strange behaviour and disappearances a lot of people feel that they may be cheated on when they suddenly disappear I think at times that would be far easier to live and deal with and move on from. They do create a new life filled with people that enable or use with them or who they need they will never find genuine friendships or love like they had with us, that’s their karma. I think you have the answers in front of you I think we look for answers in hope it will change or fix things and sadly only they can change I’m learning not to react to him anymore and play into he’s hands as that annoys him more. Also trying to help doesn’t work as you may well know they only use you and push you away if you try tell them what to do. It’s a sad life I wouldn’t want to live it. X
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Last year we’ve had problems been split since may this year so two months x
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Hey how’s things? X
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On Friday night I had a text of my ex , she said she’s sorry for everything and she wants me back more than anything . But we have just sold our house and will be gone in a few weeks , she said she wants to sell it and move further away ….I had a phone call the following morning from a rehab center , she gave them my number as she’s had a new number and couldn’t remember hers . I asked them what time did she request the rehab info and it was 5am in the morning so she was clearly on it that night . She then came home that morning and slept from 10am till 10am the following morning . Woke up today an I’m the most vile person she’s ever known . Heart breaking really . She only cares about me when she’s using …. otherwise she hates me
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Hi Paul, sorry to hear of your situation. I think at times when they are coming off the drugs the “come down” they do feel shame remorse and embarrassment some change their ways depending on how bad it is or how they feel. But they sure can manipulate and lie too so it’s hard what to believe I think in your case and in anyone’s actions speak louder than words and they need to change and prove it. I’d move away on your own find peace then see what she does if she changes then brilliant if not you know you have done the right thing.
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Honestly my life over the last 2 years has really knocked me for 6 . We were best friends not just partners , been together for 10 years . I’ve been there for her through 3 mental health break downs and been her rock for her everytime. She was so greatful for me sticking by her and it made us even closer ….then she started using coke to self medicate , then that’s when it all went crazy . The hardest part for me is seeing her but not even recognising who she is any more , her values are just so distorted and has done so many things to me to hurt me , she would of never done this to me in the past . Cocaine is the devil it really is .
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Isn’t it mad how our stories are very similar.
I told her whole family a month ago and she turned it round on me saying she’s only done it a few times to escape our toxic relationship.
It wasn’t toxic before she started doing coke . We were engaged , planning on having a baby etc…
Then the coke started . The lies , the manipulation, she would hit him , call me all the names under the sun , try to make it out it’s all my fault .
She turned up here last Monday and 3am in the morning after using . Wanted to sleep here so I could hold her and keep her safe . Crying she wants help …then in the morning it’s all forgotten about.
Sad as it seems I don’t want to move on because I still love her very much and I’m praying that she turns back into the girl I fell in love with .
But I don’t know if that will ever happen . As coke takes there soul and there values and they will put that first over everything .
Until they are high then they realize how bad they have been and want to change . But when it wears off they are the same vile person again and all they are interested in is getting some more .
She told me she loved me last night , first time in ages , but I think she just said it to try and make me feel better as she knows how much she’s hurting me.
I’m also so sorry for what your going through . Coke is the most evil drug on the planet .
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I use the exact words you have used all of the time. Seeing them and not recognizing them anymore. The values being completely distorted. My husband has now done so many things he’s been completely against our entire relationship. I struggle to understand if it’s all drugs or have you turned into this terrible person (who sees nothing wrong with what he’s done). I’m so sorry. It’s so hard. Here if you ever need to talk.
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Hi Paul you sound like a lovely man and she is very lucky to have you and doesn’t deserve you. It really takes it out of you mentally doesn’t it like the addiction your mind progresses too that’s one of the main reasons I left for my sanity it scared me I was getting brain fog due to the stress of it all. That really is the hardest part seeing them when they appear normal but you know they really ain’t deep down it’s such a awful situation to be in I wouldn’t wish it on my worst enemy.
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Yes everything is so secretive… I have no idea what he’s been doing for months but he insists on knowing what I’m doing. In a way it must be nice to know that she still loves you and wants to be with you. My husband is still decided that he doesn’t think our marriage will work. Yet has never said he doesn’t love me or anything. But refuses to put any work into it or even be honest. Trying to tell myself it’s for a reason. I miss the old him so much though. My whole life feels like it’s crumbled before my eyes. Him and his family have been everything to me as I immigrated to the US to be with him. This has been so hard.
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To be honest I’m not sure if she does love me . I know she says it but it’s only when she’s using she says it and that’s the only time she really wants me is when she’s on a come down.
It’s just so hard at the minute cos I just want the girl back I fell in love with but once you have been an addict you will be an addict for the rest of your life .
I saw a stat that only 10percent of people can get away from it once you have been addicted to it . In the UK is everywhere and I mean everywhere .
I’m like you I’m not sure is this person who put me 1st above anything will ever return or will I always be 2nd and 3rd best to coke and her coke friends …which I will not tolerate , for my sake and also for hers . I’m not letting our relationship stoop that low as we were never like that
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I don’t think he’s putting the work in because all he is concerned about is the cocaine , and they see us as the naggin wife …
Which I suppose we are but only because we love them and Care about them .
Mine just sees me as someone who is trying to destroy her life instead of saving it
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A relationship should be 50/50 and our relationship for the last 2 years has been 100 percent me keeping things together . If I didn’t love her I would of been gone a long time ago .
She doesn’t find anything fun anymore or any enjoyment in anything me do together …
But nothing will compare to a gram of coke , it’s not normal to be like that and I’ve leard not to best myself up about it
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A relationship should be 50/50 and our relationship for the last 2 years has been 100 percent me keeping things together . If I didn’t love her I would of been gone a long time ago .
She doesn’t find anything fun anymore or any enjoyment in anything me do together …
But nothing will compare to a gram of coke , it’s not normal to be like that and I’ve leard not to best myself up about it
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Oh hun so sorry to read this he’s being a complete asshole and rubbing it in right in front of you! Shame on him, you may need to get tougher set boundaries as they don’t like it when it when you do this tell him you will fetch any belongings of he’s but he is not to step foot in your house. Don’t play into the mind games he’s deliberately going out of he’s way to upset you as your seeing him for what he is now. Keep your guard up at all times when you speak to him remember he’s the not the same person say no to he’s demands wherever reasonable and show no emotion towards him as that why he will wonder if he’s still getting under your skin or why your not showing anything towards him. I promise you will have bad and good days but one day we won’t be bothered about what they are doing he’s not happy it’s a front the put on to convince themselves and others around they are not at fault but you know and he knows that what’s important. Keep strong he’s a fool to have lost you, and doesn’t deserve you! Sending hugs I find getting out in the sunshine with the kids leaving my phone in my bag and just being with them helps take my mind off it when I’m having bad days Xx
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Oh Littlehappy, please try not to let his actions define you.
I know this is easier said than done, I’ve been where you are and you feel helpless, mugged off, and utter sadness.
You are better than this, he might look like the life and soul, and you might look like the bore (to his so called friends) but you are not and neither is he! He’s not the person you once knew, he’ll gravitate to like minded drinkers or coke users, it doesnt matter that before he’d never socialise with them, now he’ll socialise with anyone who is on his level, a messed up level, a level that you never want to be at.
When my husband used to be like this, I researched cocaine psychosis, and I truly believe my husband had that. He looked at me with hatred, the drug hated me for trying to help him, and he was now that drug, it had consumed him, and turned him into someone I did not recognise. I saw photos on my phone the other day of him at our childs graduation from nursery school, and the angst on his face is clear to see. He wanted to be there, but he didnt want to be there, he was so messed up.
Never, ever, blame yourself. Nothing you have done has made him like this. He’s an adult and you can’t fix him, so you need to look after yourself, and your girls and do whatever you need to to start again, find happiness and start to LIVE again, instead of the existence you have at present.
Sending much love x
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I thought exactly the same when I heard it I wonder to myself I wonder if he’s heard in on the car radio if he’s resonated with it I mean what addict wouldn’t? X
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Hi, our stories are so similar it’s crazy cocaine has always been in our relationship got worse before the first lockdown too then just spiralled after that. I have been trying to read up if he’s a narcissist I think addicts do have narcissistic qualities as they are very similar no empathy selfish no remorse. I have been reading up on it too how mad do you do a lot of research I do it’s me trying to make sense of it all I suppose. I saw my ex yesterday he took our two sons as it was he’s weekend he picks our daughter up Sunday for the day as she’s too little for overnights just yet. He yet again said he had no money to give for the children he’s car insurance came out of he’s bank and he paid to take the kids out Saturday to see dinosaurs. How true this is I don’t know, he took boys to see them sent me pictures which was nice of him I suppose. He has cards for my other son for hes bday we still haven’t got he’s mum gave them to him for my son, I said have you taken the money out of them he said too you sound like my mother so she is questioning him he says they was in car first off then he forgot now they are now in bags as he cleared car out he’s told me he is surrendering he’s finance vehicle back to the company he hasn’t made a single payment for it hasn’t had much work and what money he has had well you know.. it’s sensible I’m hoping he’s getting things in order or trying to sort he’s life out but then again he may want more money to use without paying for car insurance, so could go either way. Im exactly the same I do miss him but I know that I cannot back down and go back to him, I will only go back after seeing he is clean for at least 6 months to a year. I won’t tell him this which makes it worse too coz I don’t know how he feels I ended things but he hasn’t begged nor asked me or said anything about us nor have i, I know it will take time and he knows I wouldn’t listen to what he has to say I want actions not words ive told him this but still would be nice to know he misses me I’m sure he does but like me he’s hiding it very well. I do have hope we are good apart from that we’ve known each other since I was 14, we’ve overcome so many obstacles but can’t get over this it’s so upsetting! But only he can change and if he doesn’t well then he’s no good for me and I’m better off alone this is how I cope with it right now he’s there for the kids so that’s good he said he will take our youngest boy for a haircut in the week but whatever he says I don’t cling on to I just say okay and don’t get surprised when he doesn’t when it comes to the kids though he hasn’t let them down only once and I went mental at him and reminded him of when he was a little boy and he’s dad often left him waiting and didn’t show. I know I feel lost without him but as days are getting on it’s getting easier I’m getting use to it and thats scaring me too because it feels so final, but as i mentioned before you never know what can happen in the future so fingers crossed for the both of us. When was the last time you saw or heard from him? X
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Hi, I do exactly the same thing rack my brains for questions or think of things and immediately google it I don’t know it that’s making things worse because as you know it’s all doom and gloom online very rarely happy endings. I think my ex has a drug dependence not an addiction the two are very similar able to stop two weeks is hes limit though from when he was with me and trying to stop. We split up in may after 7 weeks he relapsed had no job but as soon as he got money again literally the same day he went and got it I was so angry looking back I probably could of calmed down not ended things so abruptly a part of me thinks did he want to end but this was the only thing causing problems I know I haven’t done anything wrong apart from stand beside him my mental health was so bad after I had my daughter I had to end things for my sanity it really scared me. I don’t think he will ever understand what he’s done to me, it’s a nightmare! I am the same but I think why do I want him to want me I ain’t the problem and neither are you! They are they know we are decent women who take good care of their kids it’s them with the issues and we deserve so much better! My little girl is 4 months so not far behind yours ???? where are you from im from east London xx
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*Meant to say he’s still not able to stop
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Hey, how have you been? I’ve took a bit of a dip last couple days just heartbroken and find it hard to accept we’re not together anymore. We’ve had problems in the relationship last couple years with COVID & him running off to use. I am thinking maybe he wanted to leave but was too coward and hoped id cut him off over the drugs one day, who knows the mind is awful some days im fine others I feel so lost without him. I haven’t heard from him since Sunday we only speak about kids that’s it he mentioned he would take our youngest boy who’s 2 to get a haircut haven’t heard yet so he’s either working or sorting returning he’s finance car or getting on it who knows. I too dabbled and we went out together regularly in our 20s im 30 now an as the years went on & more kids i pulled away from it, it’s not clever never ends well whether you get addicted or not you waste money getting on it then feel like shit the next day with kids too it’s not fair on them I stopped in 2017 then he got worse and doing it more frequently I could see it and told him calm down then he started hiding it from me. I have no idea how often, i know where he goes to get it the area but not there door number it’s not even 5 mins from me, i know he can go some time without it but now he’s not here I don’t know how often and he won’t tell me obviously. Can I ask does your one communicate at all or only when he’s on it he couldn’t sing my praises enough then and tell me how lucky he is to have me. My ex is so bad at communicating I don’t know how he feels at all he tells no one either not even he’s mum. Also have you split in the past if so who initiated sorting things out? It’s always been me and can’t help but think I just prolonged the inevitable xx
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Hiya, had a better day today after a tough couple days. My mum and two sisters came over to see me and the kids which was lovely they brought some chocolate and flowers too for me just the little pick me up I needed. I heard from my ex today I find if I leave it he does eventually make the effort and get in touch he’s taking boys to get haircuts sunday now he also asked me if I needed some money and said he only had a certain amount himself & could give me half of that or wait until he gets paid more money until next Friday & he will sort me out a fair bit. I don’t know if this is him trying to show me he’s being sensible and keeping a certain amount for himself without wasting it who knows. It was nice to hear from him I’m keeping strong and until I see changes will I give him time of day again. I have thought that too should I just accept it and let him have he’s time to go out get it out he’s system he’s honestly perfect for me other than that problem when we’re together, but we’ve tried that & it always ends up being more times and he starts to take the piss then we argue they can’t do anything in moderation hence why they have a problem. It all comes down to hes will to change and communicating better. What upset me more when he relapsed was that he couldn’t just be honest that hurt more than him doing the cocaine itself. I think I pulled away from dabbling with cocaine because it was getting too much for him and didn’t want to encourage it. I thought me stopping would make him stop it didn’t work. Yeah coming on here helps watching YouTube videos knowledge is power I mean they may not be narcissistic but if they are we are prepared ???? I have thought about doing al anon zoom calls for families of addicts as this place really helps me on here so talking to people face to face could really make all the difference not feeling alone and venting to them instead of my mum gives her a break too! So sorry to hear he left in lockdown what a time to leave you eh we we’re together in the first one but he was drinking 3 or more times a week so it wasn’t good. I may get a note book and start writing things down who knows one day I may show him it only then would they get a real insight to the pain we have gone through. That’s all we can do whatever gets us through the day I take each day as it comes now and I’m trying not to overthink things but it’s hard sometimes. Nothing wrong with an age gap, go on girl I say haha. How long have you been together, my ex is 31 nearly 32, we were together 10 years this year ????. X
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Hey, sorry to hear you haven’t been so good. That is strange your message was taken down, don’t get disheartened. I check in here daily so will always get back to you! Glad you’re okay, bet it felt good to have some normality with him but even that feels painful because you know the reality being stuck in a situation neither of you can control. I don’t think I could be in hes presence even if we were enjoying company, hes changed so much lies lies and more lies. He didn’t turn up sunday to get boys haircuts neither did he give me an explanation he’s mum said he’s been in bed sleeping all day and hadnt drunk Saturday night either so was clearly depressed and on a comedown he went out Thursday night. After talking to he’s mum she said it’s pretty obvious he’s stolen the birthday money out of my son he’s stepsons card it’s disgusting the lengths they will go to for their addiction I’m caring less and less and letting go more an more as the time goes on. He’s not listening to he’s mum she’s had murders with him he doesn’t say anything or argue back just takes it then she gets more angry then anything which isn’t worth it. I dunno I’m not going to be saying much to him if anything at all when he gets the kids probably say bye to them and that’s it. He’s weekend is this week so he needs to get in touch at some point to get kids if he will after ignoring me sunday. It’s his birthday on Saturday so time will tell if he will take kids this weekend or chose to go out and get on it. He’s life is go work get money use feel like shit and repeat oh and constant let downs and lying in between I think he did have intentions of doing that with our boys but that took hold and you know that comes before anything. Please be careful the more you feel sorry for them, help them when they say they are down you fall back into their trap then you end up getting stung in the long run they only care about themselves in active addiction. We tried that going on dates and thinking we need to spend more time together or spice things up that makes the world of difference in a normal relationship but with an addict it’s a waste of time. You probably know this as that’s why you have doubts listen to your gut hun it’s never wrong. I hope your feeling better I feel like a switch has gone off in me or I’ve finally come to the realisation that this is who he is now and I’m moving on and losing feelings for him it feels good to be getting strong again and coming out the other side we all will get there one way or the other and be happy! Time is a healer I hope you and kids are well x
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Hey, yeah there is always a motive when they start bothering wanting to change either no money or it’s Christmas or they don’t want to be alone lol. They do get carried away when they are on it and can be the nicest, talkative person but if you’re not on their wavelength after time they can get annoying my ex used to repeat the same stories every time I would say you told me before. Yeah I feel sorry for the mums must be awful having a son who’s addicted can’t imagine the pain. My mother in law is paying for everything food he’s phone bill the lot he is taking the piss out of her. My ex goes quiet when he uses he tries to hide he’s use from me but I know different, hes mum tells me she’s honest that he goes out still gets on it then sleeps in bed or ie depressed coz of the comedown. That’s the thing nowadays cocaine is laced with all kinds of crap some of the stuff is addictive too it’s just awful a vicious cycle and no life for the addict alone with their thoughts at 6am in the morning, I don’t envy them. Glad you’re okay though that would be lovely to meet up one day! X
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Hey, I’m good thanks how are you? haha oh they are so similar. They all must do it lol, or they speak about their childhood or their greatest achievements at work ????. My ex was always happy on it more honest too and would communicate more with you. I think it doesn’t do much now to him tbh coz we spoke this week he said he isnt happy and the drugs don’t make him feel it, he came into the flat for the first time in 3 months because I needed to speak with him as a drug dealer was knocking at my door asking for him so needed to tell him it’s gone to far now bringing he’s problems to my door. He said he hasn’t used in a week been getting stuck into work and that’s what he needs to keep busy and said he will pay things back he’s trying to get full time work. I told him he needs to see kids more and be the dad they deserve he agreed that right now he isn’t and that this wasn’t the plan me doing it pretty much alone. He has them every other weekend but I have 4 children two are under 3 so he needs to step up more and see them one evening a week too my 2 year old idolises him and really misses him. He also gave me money this week for kids which is good as haven’t had a penny for 3 months. Maybe somethings changed in him maybe he realises now it’s all got to come from him and I won’t make it easy this time to come back even if we don’t sort out things I want him healthy and happy for the kids so whatever outcome I’ll be happy. Anyway enough of me haha, that’s awful another of my exes would switch on cocaine and be angry and abusive to me he doesn’t drink at all now because he can’t makes him violent. I bet apart of you didn’t want to react give him what he wants but when they say about you as a mother I mean who could control themselves I certainly wouldn’t! How’s things been for you? I’m seeing him shortly he’s picking the baby up our sons are with him this weekend she doesn’t sleep over just yet. X
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Hey, been meaning to get back to you, just see this and had to reply straight away! I’ve had a time of it myself well im not surprised by anything anymore tbh. They are so manipulative aren’t they tell you exactly what you want to hear then somehow drag you back into the chaos! That was lucky you did that with the pin it’s terrible how we have to pre think things because of how predictable they are with asking for things or being sly. Never blame yourself you haven’t done anything it’s he’s problem not yours! I’d get your car back and put some boundaries in place to protect you it’s so important as they will always take advantage of your good nature. Try not to get wound up easier said then done I know but I try not to let myself think of him now or he’s problems as I get annoyed I’m letting it get to me now, no more! Things were going well here we had a proper chat last Sunday first time since we split he said it’s got out of hand he knows he’s the only one to do it. And he said he knows it affects us all he’s mum me the kids. He mentioned our son asked him when he’s coming home and that he didn’t know what to say to him and he needs to sort himself out for all of them too. He said he thinks about what he’s done & us laying in bed when it’s all wearing off long story short he said he would look up getting some help “as it won’t hurt will it” fast forward to Tuesday and we see him at a job near our home working on the roof we went past to go to soft play so kids shouted up said hello he came down all was normal and nice. I sent him pics of kids at soft play and we said we will speak soon, on way home we went past again he was nearly finishing said he’s packing up soon. We went home and he then went missing after work got on it my eldest son got stuck he’s wheel came of he’s bike he called my ex 4x without telling me and no answer he then ignored me he’s mum who he picks up after work she works at our local hospital he stayed out all night probably slept in car read my messages at 11pm the next day didn’t get home until Thursday early hours. So basically told him I won’t be discussing things with him anymore as it don’t get my anywhere and like yours hes not doing anything about it or getting help. I’m going cold on him again now as that seems to work somehow I even let him in the house on Saturday when he picked our daughter up when I haven’t all this time never again! Just about kids now, I told him he knows he can have a better life but nothing will change if he doesn’t. I want him to get professional help and be clean 6 months if ever I consider a relationship with him again but I can’t see it happening probably be years yet I’m not going to wait forever though. Xx
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Hey, I’m okay thank you haven’t heard a thing from him since last Tuesday when he relapsed. It’s our boys birthday tomorrow so he may get in touch who knows but I honestly don’t care we are gonna have a good day regardless! He’s probably spent all he’s money now feels guilty as he said he would get our boy some trainers. He gets bad depression after he uses now coz of what he’s doing letting himself and everyone down I know it affects him coz he is a decent person deep down. It he’s weekend this week to have kids so he may or may not get in touch if he doesn’t then he’s walked away and honestly it’s hard but I’m used to doing it all on my own now. I would of walked away if we didn’t have kids, don’t get me wrong I still love him but he needs to sort he’s life out! I don’t try for the kids that’s up to him to get in touch to see them if he doesn’t well then he looks bad not me. Yeah it’s a vicious circle alright! He isn’t horrible but just so distant he just doesn’t get in touch or ignores me after he relapses or uses. I asked he’s mum how things are she just said he’s been home all the time it had only been two days though lol. I think he’s just not in a great place at the moment he realises what he’s lost but can’t stop himself, I’m hoping he gets help soon and doesn’t let it continue. I think doing well is a trigger too they think it won’t hurt but they can’t just have a drink and a few lines it doesn’t work that way it’s a binge go missing for a day or two then return I’m just glad he’s not using my place as a hotel now! I feel sorry for hes mum but she could do more if that was my son I’d keep pushing that he needs help and be on he’s case she just lets him sleep all day and doesn’t ask him anything. I don’t know mentally I’m better ive just accepted the situation as it is now which is shit but it’s my reality all I can do like yourself is just keep strong and be the best person and mother I can be and hope that he sorts himself out one day! I feel like their mums blame us to they think we mess with their heads make them worse when it’s them she told me I shouldnt tell him that if he’s clean for so long he can come home she said that don’t help it’s pressure well it’s motivating in my eyes and better than saying nothing. I’m just gonna back away from them both let them sort hes mess out if he ever does! How you doing? Hope your okay X
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Hi redfox
Sorry for jumping in on post, but couldn’t help but want to ask about the distancing thing you mentioned. My ex has been in full swing addiction mode for nearly 3 months now!! He has completely cut family and friends off. Turns up every now and again to see kids and his mam. He has distanced himself so much. Makes no contact with anyone for days sometimes over a week. I do know that he is ashamed in a way but that doesn’t stop him from continously using.
I feel I’m in a similar situation in regards to not being with or living with my ex anymore. Do you find he is more distant with you due to him not living with you and thinking it’s over, what’s the point in trying, so let’s use instead or does he just distance himself when he has relapsed but is around often when not using?
It’s been that long since my ex has had a period of time drug free b4 relapsing that I’m thinking that he jusy stays away because he wants nothing to do with me anymore. Not the possibility that the drugs are keeping him away through burying his feelings, thoughts and emotions.
He has admitted that he has been using nearly everyday, so I know his mind will be clouded. However, I cant help but think he’s not bothered anymore and really would not care less if I was to move on with someone else.
He does display odd moments of slight affection, but this is probably part of manipulation. He has done some cruel things which I don’t think he would have done if it wasn’t for the coke. He has never raised his hand or been vile towards me. Sometimes snappy and grumpy on a comedown, but the real nail in the coffin was cheating. He did part blame the drugs for this. That doesn’t stop me from thinking that it’s because he doesn’t care anymore. It’s so hard to work out what the hell is going on in their head.
Hope you are doing ok
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Hey that’s okay! I think it is the addiction that keeps them away it does isolate them partly as they feel ashamed not good enough etc. When my ex isn’t using he’s in touch and seems normal when I’m in hes presence. The only way I can describe it is like Jekyll and Hyde they are two people themselves and the addict. He has definitely been more distant now he don’t live with me but he’s drug use has got more excessive so that’s probably why to. It’s so hard what to think your best to try and speak to him I did when he was sober he seems to know the pain he’s causing us all and said it’s got out of hand but he went back to it and that’s why I think he’s staying away right now he knows it hurts us. He mentioned before that he stayed away because he let us down. I think they are a lot harder on themselves than we think and hurt a lot more than we know but they numb it with drugs. I wouldn’t take anything personal that he does or says to you, it’s likely the addict talking. What I find helps is I only communicate with him when he gets in touch with me that way I don’t get upset if he ignores me and also I know he’s ready to talk in right mind etc or sober. I’m doing okay getting there mentally just trying to accept it all now and try and move on and hold onto hope all I can do hope your okay too! Xx
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Hiya
Thanks for your reply!
Yeah I don’t bother contacting him (he hasn’t got a 4n well so he says) I just wait until he gets in touch. It’s starting to annoy me now though as I think what if something happened to the kids and he doesn’t contact anyone (family) for days. He wouldn’t know if there was an emergency. He honestly couldn’t care less.
The last time he seen kids was Saturday and it’s like a waiting game until he decides when he wants to get in touch and see them again. We’ll I’m sick of him picking and choosing when suits him and his addiction.
It was his sisters remembrance yesterday and he had the audacity to drive past his mas, but not even go and see how she was. Didn’t bother going to the grave side with his family.
Nothing really surprises me these days. How a person can change so much and become this vile, selfish, seedy, lier is beyond me.
I was reading your post about your sons birthday. It was my little boys last week. He turned up for his birthday at 6pm. He’d been on one the night before and rang in the morning, but I ended up putting the phone down on him as couldn’t believe he didn’t turn up early in morning for him unwrapping presents. When he did appear at tea time he bought the kids affection. He followed on to take them out the next day, but soon as the afternoon came I could see him itching. He makes up excuses to why he needs to go promising the world another day then surprise surprise doesn’t bother again.
I think they try to be nice a form of manipulate knowing what they are going to do. They plan it in there head then feed you a story “we’ll do this tomorrow, or do you fancy going here at the weekend”………then they disappear again. Also my ex tends to ease his conscious, well the little that he has by buying them something or getting there tea etc. before doing one.
Hoping for some more positive days for everyone x
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Hey, hope your okay. That is the best way not contacting them unless they get in touch with you as it annoys you if they don’t get in touch and me personally that does affect my mental health. It’s disgusting how they drop off and ignore people when they use and they don’t think of the bigger picture what if there was an emergency with anyone or the kids they wouldn’t forgive themselves then would they? My ex is the same he’s is more he disappears because of the come downs after and feeling guilty he’s given into temptation again and used he has more sober moments then on drugs so he’s able to see the problems it has caused. They can be so manipulative especially when they are using more and the lies you can see straight through them but they think they have you so convinced it’s laughable. It does annoy you when they show up when it suits them I think deep down they want to be there and do all these things they say but the drugs always gets in the way unfortunately. I think sometimes the intentions are they but they cannot follow through as one split decision to use and all plans and money goes down the drain. Happy belated birthday to your son, I have 3 sons there bdays are July aug & sept & my only daughter was born in March his year she’s the 4th my last and only girl ????. Things haven’t been to bad for me for a change he’s in touch going to work we’re going out Saturday with the kids to the seaside he said he will show up as it would be bang out of order if he didn’t it was all he’s idea so hopefully I come back on here with a positive story of how it went. He seems to want to stop using on he’s own as that’s why he’s saying he hasn’t got help just yet how true this is time will tell but I never trust a word he says it’s really hard. He did however leave mine the other day after our sons bday and went and looked at someone’s roof for a job he’s mum said he came home from doing that and had dinner so didn’t go out as i thought he did it’s so hard to jump to conclusions though isn’t it? How are you doing hope you’re okay! X
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Hey, well today he turned up at his mams who had the kids. She told him that I said he wasn’t allowed to see them when at hers as he needs to arrange set days with me. His response was “well I’m not staying”. He then proceeded to have an argument with his brother all in ear shot of my son who heard everything. He has collected all his clothes from his mams and told her he wants nothing more to do with them and he won’t be seeing them again!!
How can someone be so cruel. How can he just cut his family and kids off who are innocent in all of this. You wouldn’t treat shit on your shoe like he has treat us.
It’s obvious he is with someone else, but why does he have to push kids away. Yes – me I understand that and maybe his family as they support me and would not approve, but the children are innocent. Why go to all this effort why not just say what he is up to instead of cutting everyone off through starting arguments.
How someone can be truly happy pushing all those who have been constantly in your life away and choosing drugs, gambling and some slut………is beyond me.
I don’t even no him now. He is a different person who has no love, loyalty or care for his family. He goes on like he is hard done by, he is the one left alone and pushed out etc. When actually he has done all of this. He has chosen this life and all the things he is doing it.
It has completely knocked me sideways. I was meant to be going out tonight with friends and I have no motivation and feel nothing but pain. He has worn me to the ground. Wish there was a tablet I could take that would takw all the feelings and emotions away that were connected to him. Then maybe I could switch off and move on!!
Here’s to a better day tomorrow!
Hope you are doing good still and enjoying your day out
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Hey, how are you doing? Sorry to hear that happened with your son there it’s good he’s mum is helping you by sticking to her boundaries with him too and making you feel comfortable so she can see the kids. He’s acting up and angry because he’s not getting he’s way and rightly so you all have to put your own needs first the same way he does! It completely changes them doesn’t it i wouldn’t look into it to much other than it’s the drugs it’s not you and there is nothing anyone can do. He’s only using this woman to have someone to use with as they like to be around people like them they don’t feel as low in society then and they feel accepted by other addicts. Whilst he’s in active addiction he will never have a truly loving relationship, that’s he’s karma. I don’t think he’s chosen this life but he feels he has no choice and by pushing people away the addiction is winning he’s clearly out of he’s depth with it at the moment and he’s lost control. It’s awful isn’t it it really does get you down mentally it’s a nightmare! time will help with that, and push yourself even if you don’t feel like it a night out could be just what the doctor ordered concentrate on you and make yourself happy without him! I’m good thank you things have been better here for now, we went out spend the day altogether at the arcades had ice cream hot donuts so lovely to have some normality after the last 4 months. I’m taking each day as it comes now and not look to far ahead as you can be let down and I need to protect me and my sanity now so it’s the best way! How you feeling today hope your okay xx
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Hey, I’m good thank you hope you’re okay! I could of literally wrote everything in that you just put there it’s crazy! I’m seeing him later too he’s dropping presents off and wants to wish our boy happy birthday. He messaged this morning said sorry he’s not been in touch as he’s not been to good and asked how we all were. I’m the same just pleasant now I don’t react or get angry anymore as I don’t think it helps them. I have never enabled him or lent money or lie for him, It’s he’s problem not mine, and like you i like to remind him of what he has got and hope that he will change and come back to us. I can totally relate to feeling scared i would get bad anxiety being around him when he was back here before may it’s the uncertainty I think not knowing when the next relapse is coming. I’m petrified of letting him come back home I’ve been tempted at times but it won’t change nothing he needs to be clean for anything in he’s life to go well not just for us but mainly himself. And yeah he always had a way of sorting things out or coming through but this has broken him, I just hope they both break the cycle one day and we can come on here with positive stories and hope for others! He’s having a lovely day thank you! Xx
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Morning hey, it’s never ending isn’t it sorry to hear it didn’t go well. If there is drink involved it never does end good especially with them they can’t help themselves or use any excuse to get on it. It sounds to me he’s angry because you won’t let your guard down fully and let him back home and rightly so! He’s thinks it’s fair to take it out on you and say hurtful things about you and your daughter, to deflect that he failed you. id pull away from him for now & have some space from and then decide what you want to do, i used to make rash decisions then change my mind or regret it I think things through more now and it does help. I wouldn’t be around him when he’s drinking maybe set that boundary to that he’s not allowed around you drinking at all as hes nasty with what he says to you. He knows he’s lucky to have you all and he’s more annoyed at himself for letting you all down so it’s easier to say hurtful things then admit that. My ex turned up yesterday too all was nice & pleasant he got the boy trainers sent me £20 for him to buy stuff on fortnite he loves that game lol. He mentioned about taking us all to Margate beach Saturday I said we have plans but will think about it let him know. We did the cake and he sent me money to get me and kids McDonald’s as he was eating dinner with he’s mum apparently. Well he leaves mine, he’s mum video calls nearly an hour later boys ask her where’s daddy, daddy’s not here so it’s obvious what he was up to he obviously had money as he’s mum said and she don’t see him when he does, he only just came out of a bad comedown then did it again last night it makes no sense I didn’t call or text him tell him about himself last night but gonna call him today and talk to him about it and say I won’t play happy families with him or go out altogether until he does something about stopping or getting help cant have your cake an eat it! I don’t know when will they learn I think he’s taking advantage of my kindness I was only pleasant yesterday because it was my boys bday and I think that’s the only reason he got in touch. I’m getting fed up of it too now! But gonna keep my cool and tell him straight that he’s not gonna pick kids up and drop them when it suits him! Hope you’re okay try not let it get to you take your mind of him it will do you the world of good xx
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Hey, glad you’re okay. You do need you’re time to get on with things and try take your mind of it and sometimes coming on here don’t help if that makes sense so totally understand that! They do get in you’re head don’t they! They won’t ever understand that what they say or do mentally affects us even when we try not to let it get to us it just does. Hope you’re landlord check went well & who needs a man eh go you doing that on your own with the kids too! Hope it went well, and he left you to it id put my foot down tell him he’s not to stay, it’s so hard coz you miss them and want them but not the person they have become such a catch 22 isn’t it. Glad you’re feeling stronger things go well with me then when they go well with him I can’t help it you just worry about them don’t you it’s totally normal. But I’m trying to feel good regardless of what’s going on, things have been good here for a change hopefully they last we took kids down to Margate yesterday went to the arcades, had ice creams hot donuts & McDonalds then home he took our two boys home as it’s he’s weekend. Then me and the baby came home, was so nice to have a little bit of normality! I really hope it continues, but it will be a long road but he’s doing much better he said he wants to get clean by himself as that’s why he hasn’t got help. I hope if he can and if not hope he gets help if he can’t do it alone! Either way I’ll be okay that’s all I need to concentrate on is me and the kids of course! How you doing xx
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Hey how are you doing? I’m good thank you Margate was nice it’s a bit run down now well the people are lol. A lot of druggies typically but the arcades are good and they have dreamland which is like a funfair that was closed unfortunately. We’ve all been okay he’s not been so good with depression spoke to him Monday all was well and not heard from him since he’s mum said he was sleeping all day yesterday was asleep when she left and got in from work. He’s phone was on silent i did message him to check in see how he is yesterday still not heard back i just hope hes being sensible but as you know that is an escape for them. im learning to detach now not take it personally and have accepted hes gonna have hes struggles and things wont always be plain sailing. just wish he would reach out when hes depressed instead he sleeps the days away. im okay doing good mentally im not letting it get to me anymore as then we are both sick. hows things been with you? x
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Hey hope things are okay? Been thinking of you. Hope you’re well x
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Guns and a backside haha ????
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Really sorry to read your sad story but glad that you have found this forum and am hoping that this will help you not to feel so alone.
I work for a charity called Icarus Trust. We offer help to people, like you, who are being affected by a family member’s addiction. Our Family Friends are trained and experienced people and you could talk with one of them if you get in touch. They will listen and be able to let you know what other support is available for you.
You can contact Icarus Trust on help@icarustrust.org or visit our website http://www.icarustrust.org
I hope this helps. Good luck!
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I can relate to your story big time. When I was reading what has happened to you, it took me back I thought we were living pretty much the same life.
Unless you have been in this position yourself none will understand the pain and torture you have actually been through.
I have lied done things I am not proud of to protect this man, because you are manipulated into doing things that you never thought was possible. You look back on and you think why did i do these things!
To start off with its little things then it gets bigger as time goes by, before you know it your into deep yourself. All the promises they have made to you and you belive they can change. You belive there is light at the end of the tunnel for them, so we stay it doesnt matter how bad we are feeling inside and what they have done to us we support them. We put them first because they need support but through this we are losing ourselves. Xx
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Hi
So sorry to read your sad story but am glad that you have found support on this forum.
If you would like more support please contact us at Icarus Trust. We are a charity that offers help to people, like you, dealing with addiction in the family. It can be such a lonely place so we have trained and experienced Family friends who you could talk with if you get in touch. They would understand what you are going though.
You can contact Icarus Trust on help@icarustrust.org or visit our website http://www.icarustrust.org
Good luck.
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Hey glad you’re okay. You sound like your doing much better ???? i haven’t been Brighton in years I do love a seaside! That’s mad how he’s mum can’t tell I think with coke the eyes are the biggest giveaway lol. I can tell with one look at my ex he’s done it he never has turned up to mine or to get kids on it coz he knows that will be he’s chance with them blown. I’m glad things went well with him when you saw him I think the more we don’t tolerate things they do respect us more in a sense but still ultimately do what they want at the end of the day. Do you get anxiety in hes presence I do at times I did on way to Margate only quickly and I shut it down and tried to enjoy the family day out together. My youngest is nearly 5 months he’s brilliant with them all, when they are with him he takes good care of them we are very similar with our parenting so I know they are in safe hands. Don’t get me wrong he could be present and pay for them but we know why he can’t! He’s still depressed been like it all week he read my messages at 1am this morning no reply. I think at least he’s read them he’s not in a good place so probably doesn’t have much to say or want to pretend he’s okay when he’s not. I hope he didn’t go out last night but I can’t message he’s mum everyday and ask lol. If he hasn’t that’s 15 days clean which is an achievement for him he could never get to two weeks here with me without disappearing to get on it. I totally get that I have my guard up fully with him we have to after what they put us through mentally. I am trying to be more sympathetic now and less angry as he doesn’t need it and it doesn’t help I know he’s struggling but I wish he would reach out to me. I really just want to see him and give him a hug it’s so shit but he will be in touch when he’s ready and hopefully he pulls himself out of it. How you been? Kids are back to school soon bit of routine should do us both good ???? xx
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Hey, I’m good thank you. Was abit down last week due to him not being great and worrying about him being depressed. He got in touch sunday and had the kids for the day yesterday. It’s his weekend this week, so will hear from him again end of week hopefully. He’s not used for nearly 3 weeks now. He’s not been work last week so whether that’s why who knows but it’s still good I suppose. He just stayed home last week when he was depressed didn’t go out an use so hopefully he continues. Sorry to hear that do you think he’s struggling to get it up because of he’s use and only using it for that when he’s watching stuff maybe? We will never understand why they make the decisions they do. They do see things more clearly and what they have done when they get clean somewhat is he still using often? Hope you eldest girl has a lovely birthday and that’s the best distraction! Kids go back to school so looking forward to a routine and spending less time worrying and being more busy helps as you know. Do your kids go back this week? Xx
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Hey, yes a long way to go that’s for sure. But it’s going better than it has, and fingers crossed it continues if it doesn’t well hopefully one day he will get there! He seems to know what it’s caused and I think me putting my foot down has given him the motivation he knows he will not be back here unless he’s clean for a while. Yeah have heard that some people have problems getting it up so that even if they wanted to cheat they can’t haha. One thing I noticed was he’s sex drive completely went even on coke he wasn’t interested whereas before on it he was so horny lol. It’s good you had a chat with hes family today the more people know and can be on their case the better! And it’s a great support to you that people understand. It’s so hard when they find someone who’s on the same level to use with that hasn’t got nothing better to do isn’t it. Until he gets fed up of him which he likely will they will both use each other unfortunately! It’s so tough isn’t it it’s all out of our control and they have the power to change their lives ours the kids and our futures everything! I have struggled with being powerless and it’s took me along time to accept I can’t do or change anything for him it’s all got to come from him. Hope dinner goes well tomorrow if he comes, they blow hot and cold constantly don’t they it’s such hard work! Have a good week too and speak soon xx
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Hey, I’m good thanks. Been so busy with kids back to school haven’t had a min! I did read your last message been meaning to get back to you, it seems he is a lot better since then and wants to sort things out I hope it goes well for you! I think they have to be left to it sometimes and we have to pull away for them to see the madness of it all themselves. It’s so hard because like you I still care and love him and want the best for him. Things have been going really well here 5 weeks clean although he hasn’t had much work on so no money. We have been spending more time together he’s been with us some days and staying til late and going home. I’m enjoying things while it’s going good, hopefully it lasts. We’ve had some conversations he’s able to see what he’s done wrong he’s very defensive though and doesn’t take advice well. He has said he will discuss he’s finances or let me watch over things, checking he’s paying bills once he’s in steady work it’s just not there at the min, so he said it’s not worth worrying about right now whether thats him burying he’s head in the sand who knows! He worked last weekend with two people who do like a drink he kept in touch and stayed sensible he’s been up this week last two days to see us. He’s picking kids up tomorrow to stay for the weekend. So yeah all is okay at the min he’s getting paid soon for the job last weekend have asked him what it’s going on he said it’s paying off parking tickets for van so it’s good it’s gone before he spends it on something silly but he still could I’m learning now to be more understanding and less angry towards him as I don’t think this helps things and if he relapses well hopefully he brushes himself off and continues! How are you doing? Hope you and kids are well xx
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Hey, how’s things? Hope your well. That’s good your both willing to sort things out how’s that going? Glad little one is happy is nice for them to see their daddies they have missed out on so much they’re fault but still it’s nice to catch up on missed time. Everything is going well here 7 weeks clean although been out of work he starts a new job next week gets paid in 2 weeks so be interesting to see what happens we have been getting on so well he’s been up most days taking kids to school and been there for me my mum had a stroke last weekend really shook us all up as a family especially me and my sisters she’s okay it was mild she was really lucky she’s on blood thinners rest of her life now though! I’m abit anxious about him getting work but have a good feeling this time don’t know why I told him if he’s in work a month an still clean maybe we can discuss about him coming home. There will be slips ups but it’s how we deal with them & hopefully there isn’t none! He got paid for that job he did a couple weeks ago gave the money to he’s mum to pay a ticket for the van so that’s good. I really hope he sticks to it and we don’t go backwards but as you know it happens so fingers crossed time will tell hopefully he’s home soon! Hope things are good your end xx
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Hi there, So sorry to read your story and am glad that you have found this forum.
The Icarus trust is a charity that supports people dealing with addiction in their family like yourself. We have a team of Family Friends, our well trained and experienced people, one of whom could be assigned to you to listen and help you to find help if you get in touch.
You can contact Icarus Trust on help@icarustrust.org or visit our website http://www.icarustrust.org
Wishing you all the best.
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