[jamesb]

I know I look familiar

But my love we haven’t spoke for so long

Because the man stood before you now

Is the one I hope you remember before it went wrong.

I told you I’d fight for you no matter who It was who made you cry, I just never expected that fight to be between me and the demons I let inside

Tell me will you ever look at me with that smile again, the smile you created just for me

Will we ever walk the streets of Amsterdam again, will I ever kiss you in the sea

Theres been a evil living inside me for so long i almost forgot what it’s like to be free

But this homecoming is the worst kind of bittersweet knowing that your pain and hurt came from someone dressed as me.

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I’ve loved and I’ve lost and darling I know you have too, the people I loved where taken away from me and that took me away from you

I could live a thousand life times and never once mean to let you down

I can’t force you to love me but the me you once did is back

I guess I’ll see you around

[brighterdays1234]

Dear Jamesb,

I just wanted to let you know how touched I was when I read your honest and thoughtful words. It’s rawness is a comfort in many ways to me right now. Although I’m sure the pain you have endured when living its reality was quite a different matter.
I am currently going through a devastating break up with my partner of 13 years due to his cocaine use. He is like a different person to me now, someone I can’t believe he’d ever become. He’s  put the drugs before me and our two young children on many occasions.
I wonder sometimes if the last 16 months is just a nightmare that I will wake up from but unfortunately not. He’s spent thousands of pounds on cocaine, lied, nearly overdosed, been verbally abusive, threatening harming himself, manipulated me in many ways. He’s refused to see he has an addiction as he doesn’t use it every day and manages to just about run our family business still. Even though he’s bled it dry of all our savings. When he does use though he does about 11-15 grams in one night he’s told me once which I’m not sure if it’s a lot.

I’ve tried everything I could think of to get him to see sense, GP appointments, antidepressants for his low mood, Psychologists, psychiatrists,  private rehab centres but he says he wants to when he’s feeling really low then when it comes to going he says he can do it on his own and he ll start a fresh the next day. It got so bad that he was having episodes of drug induced psychosis where he was hearing voices and searching the house in the night as he thought men were in the house. So I asked him to leave as I couldn’t have that around the children.
He then was very angry at me because I was trying to put in a boundary that if he wouldn’t stop taking cocaine he couldn’t live here and would have to stay at his parents. Eventually he gave me an ultimatum that if I didn’t take him back in the house then we would have to break up. I wanted to pause our relationship in the hope it would make him realise what he’s doing but he pushed me to finish it with him as he kept saying let me back or we can’t be together. When we broke up he threatened he would kill himself if we didn’t get back together then he swallowed a bag of cocaine and had to get taken to hospital as he was unconscious. Since then he’s texting me all the time blaming me saying I’m destroying him and have never helped him.
For me it’s not about love, as I still love him deeply, but it’s about trust some of the terrible scenes I’ve seen how can you undo that. I’m heart broken that our whole family now has been destroyed and the worst of all he blames me for it. Saying I’ve abandoned him when he needed me the most. I’ve tried to do what I thought was best for all of us and mainly our children.
But the rollercoaster of one week okay next week not, a mixture of mood swings, anger, lies and low mood was a lot to take on top of just the general responsibilities of parenting and working.
I question my decisions alot and hope one day he ll see why I couldn’t let him back. I just don’t know what else I can do. I have now started to think maybe I should move to be closer to my family for support because I’m scared if I stay here I will just stay on this awful cycle with him  and watch the man I love turn into shadow of his former self.
Im sorry for the digression but when I read your words it made me wonder if my ex partner will ever feel differently about what has happened and if he will ever remember our life before the drugs. Because I think of it most nights and miss him dearly.

Take care of yourself x

[Author]

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