[slytherinsiren]

Hi everyone, longgg post ahead. It breaks my heart to be here writing this, but here we are. I’m a 25 year old lady (“woman” makes me feel old lol) currently living with my mom and my step dad in their house. I moved back in a few years ago after leaving a bad relationship, and at first it was a breath of fresh air being back at home. However, in the past year things have taken a turn back to a dark place that I had hoped was long behind me.

At the beginning of 2022, it was discovered by the family that my step dad had been having an affair with a much younger woman (only a couple years older than myself). Understandably my mom took it extremely hard but ultimately decided to stay in the marriage for the sake of my little brother, and because admittedly she still loves the man for reasons I’ll probably never get. Not only had he been cheating, but he got back into using drugs (meth, ecstasy, methadone) while he was out, and then later started doing them at the house when my mom put him on a metaphorical very short leash for his actions.

For a bit of backstory, my mom has struggled off and on throughout periods of her life with addiction, mainly to stimulants. That being said, as a child I was never aware of this or aware that anything was wrong with my mom because she hid it well and at the end of the day, she always made sure I was cared for and safe. There was a period of time when I was around 14 until I was probably 17 that I became aware for the first time that she had a problem when they started abusing their prescription pain meds, but eventually they got it together after lots of struggle and lots of trauma for everyone. Long story short, when she made the choice to stay with my step dad last year, somewhere in that timeframe she also got back into using with him.

This is an absolutely heartbreaking thing to watch, now being old enough to understand the situation fully for what it is. She is no longer the type of addict that is able to put it on hold to be a “functioning” mother. She’s become a version of my mom that I have never met before, someone that is hateful, can’t be bothered to show all the way up as a mother for my little brother, and someone that lies right to my face. I am fully aware of their using, I’m 100% confident that what I know to be the truth, is the truth. I’ve seen it with my own eyes. None of that matters to her though, because no matter how I approach talking to her about it, even if I assure her that I’m not angry at all just sad for her, she gaslights me to no end and denies the whole thing. “If I’m being lied to in my own house and things are being done without me knowing, I need to know because I can’t take the stress and betrayal anymore” is one of the phrases she uses often, insinuating of course that she’s clueless and hurt over the idea someone could be doing drugs in the house without her knowing. “You don’t know anything, and even if you did, I’m allowed you know.” It’s all so pointless trying to get somewhere with her on this subject.

I am, from the bottom of my heart, so broken over this and so very sad for my mom no matter what nonsense this disease makes her spout off at me. I would do absolutely anything for her, she was my safe parent for so long. Seeing this as it really is for the first time has brought me a kind of pain I didn’t know existed until now. My mommy, my best friend, my person, is lost.

All of this being said, I just really need some advice or kind words right now. I know there’s no help I can offer her until she decides that she needs it, and I know there’s nothing I can do to change anything that they don’t wish to change, much less admit. But, how do I get through this? How do I make sure that at the end of it all, I’m strong enough to be there when she needs me? This has never been about anger, I’m not mad at her because I know, on a much smaller level, what addiction is like. All I want in the world is peace and healing for her, she’s clearly in so much pain mentally, I can’t even imagine. It’s so sad, she just simply doesn’t deserve this and neither do my brother and I.

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