[lizziee]

My son, who is 23 started using drugs in year 7. It started with weed then as he has gotten older his addictions include numerous drugs, alcohol and now spice. His lifestyle has impacted on my husband, other children and grandchildren. I have had windows smashed (drug debts), my house fire proofed (a social media post that led to threats), my younger children threatened and recently his mental health issues brought about psychotic episodes and I was frightened of him. He has not lived with me for many months and has been in and out of prison due to the criminality his lifestyle brings. I have picked him out of the gutter too many times to mention but he will not access any support offered. When assessed by mental health teams (4 different hospital units assessed him in one week!) the conclusion is always that he has full capacity and there is nothing they can do. He is currently living on the streets and witnesses who see him tell me he was ‘out of it’. I have had to make the decision, for my mental health and that of my family to leave him to it until he accepts he has a problem, but it’s so hard. I wait each day for the knock on the door to tell me he has been stabbed, overdosed or dead. He may have made poor choices in his life but he is still my son and I love him. I would be interested in hearing how other people cope with the guilt, shame and worry that has led to my having years of sleepless nights and too many tears to count.

[2468]

My son is 30 he steals from us porns our stuff asks for money daily. Iv paid debts for him which I pay back to bank monthly I’m struggling to keep it together he lies all the time it never ends I want to walk away but at the moment I can’t. I really wish I wasn’t his mum sometimes and that hurts me my other kids are all fine and fed up with it all they all left home so they get away from it as a mum we can’t can we. It must be so hard for you but I understand why no one can understand if they not living it no matter what they say. I cry daily just want it to stop pain never goes away or fear of what’s to come. I really understand where ur coming from what upsets me is no one can help us really pls don’t fall shame we are not to blame we do our best

[lizziee]

Thank you for your reply. Having a child with drug and alcohol problems can make you feel very alone. I know there must be many, many families out there who suffer due to their children’s choices and actions. I was interested to read about the Stigma campaign as people’s attitudes don’t often help with how you’re feeling. Nobody ever asks about my son and he is still my boy despite the difficult decisions I have had to make to protect my other children. Not even some of my family members now. I don’t know if this is through embarrassment or because it is easier to ignore the problem. On a rainy night like this I worry about where he is sleeping, if he has eaten and what he has done to get the money to fund his habits. I have very little hope that the situation will end with a positive outcome as his mental health is so poor through all the years of abuse, although I never give up hope. The saddest thing is that he thinks I’ve given up on him because he doesn’t know about the times I’ve walked the streets looking for him and the things me and his sister have done to try and get him support. It will cost the state thousands of pounds if he continues to go in and out of prison and keeps abusing his body and yet help is difficult to find. It is the families who bear the brunt of lack of funding which is detrimental to our own health and well-being.

[2468]

I agree totally the help is so flimsy for us and them unless u can go private. You have to wait so long to get councerling. People forget no matter what they do they are still our son who we love no matter what but we suffer so much. My husband is his step father and can emotionally detach from it throw him out is his answer I never like you stop worrying don’t want him with me but don’t want him not with me if u understand what I meen we live in a small town so would always see him around .we not at stage u at but he sleeping on floors in houses I wouldn’t stay in my husband dosnt seem to care. It tears us apart slowly. People have no idea I’m a nurse in a gp practice so see it a lot. Do your like me hate to hear people talk badly about him it hurts to hear it. Sorry if I’m babbling

[sherry]

I totally know how you feel .

My daughter is homeless and has been addicted to heroin for 20years , the pain I feel consumes me and I fight every day with my feelings .many times I have fought to get her clean . My daughter is gone this drug has taken her .

I thought one day we could beat it but I fear it will take her life .

You have to take one day at a time that’s the only way to keep your sanity .. I hope one day we will both have peace x

[lizziee]

Thank you for your reply Sherry. I really appreciate your post. I am sorry that your daughter has taken this path and I truly understand the years of pain and torment you have suffered. It is hard to articulate to others how the choices of our children impact on us. When people say to me ‘he is your son, he needs you’ they have no idea how many times I have tried to help him and the support he has had from his family. I feel guilt and shame, have had anxiety and depression, and yet in the cold light of day I have to accept that these are his choices and it is not through lack of trying from my part that he is where he is now. I will be there if and when he needs me and will take your advice and live one day at a time. x

[2468]

I hope like me writing it down just helps a little bit. My family are sick of the stress my son brings and the fact he consumes my life and I don’t know how to stop it. I am going to sort councerling for my self to learn some coping strategies I give in to him to much I know and all they say about him most of it is true but as a mum we find it so hard. I hope like me you can get a bit of comfort just talking on this we all know what we should do its doing it.

[lizziee]

I would like to thank you for replying to my post. It has helped writing it down and I don’t feel as alone now knowing that others understand where I am coming from. People who have not lived it cannot truly understand the stress and impact of living with the constant fear of what will happen next. I carry the guilt of whether I could have done more to stop him (I don’t think for one minute there was anything he would have listened to), the worry of his current whereabouts and what he is doing (but the stress he causes when he does turn up is horrendous) and mentally prepare myself for the worst. My daughter, who has been my biggest support and has also tried for years to help him, is having CBT to help her cope with her anxieties about her brother. This is the impact he has had on my other children and it is not fair. Keep strong. x

[huddle]

Hi Lizzie, reading your posts is just like reading all about my own life! My 39 yr old son has a serious drug problem. He begs on the streets for drug money, he looks an absolute mess & when he came to see me a fortnight ago I barely recognised him. He floats in and out of my life, leaving me for weeks on end (longest time was 10 weeks) with no visits. He has lost so much weight. His life is drugs nothing or nobody else matters. He’s been in rehab but once “out” went straight back to the drugs. His once lovely flat is a disgusting hovel. He won’t engage with his little family or his key workers. There is an offer of rehab but only if he cuts his drug use down which he won’t do. He’s been in prison for street robbery for 12 months. He’s been attacked by dealers for not paying for his pay-ons. He’s heavily in debt. When he does visit it’s because he’s desperate for food. He pleads for money and cigarettes but I now refuse to enable him. I have to move on with my own life even though the worry for us intensifies daily and we dread ‘that’ knock on the door. I dearly love my son but I refuse to love the person he prefers to be and the life he prefers to live. I am 60 in November but I’ve taught myself to be strong and just pray daily he’ll one day make the choice to stop. At the moment I just see the whole situation ending in tragedy & utterly powerless to prevent it. Sending love to you. All on this forum are going through endless suffering and it’s horrible.

[2468]

Thank you for your relpy yes my other children are all affected by it all they are older and have lived it for a long time and I feel guilty for that too. Where it will end who knows

[cherrywidow]

I feel the same, I love and hate my son, I worry all the time where he is and await the call or knock on the door, but when he turns up at my door I’m instantly edgy and on egg shells, all my other children live under his shadow and he can’t see what he’s doing to us all, many give advice but don’t truly understand how it is, I’m made to feel I’m doing wrong all the time but I’m at a loss as to what is right and wrong anymore x

[icarus-trust]

Hi Lizzie E

Thank you so much for posting your story. I’ts so very sad that your son won’t accept the help that is around him. This must be heartbreaking for you.

I am glad that posting on the blog has given you some comfort. If you would like some more support for yourself you may like to get in touch with us at Icarus Trust.

We are a charity that provides support for people in your situation because we know how hard it is and how much suffering is caused for the families.

May be talking to one of our trained and experienced trained people would help you not to feel so alone and to make sense of how you are feeling.

You can contact Icarus Trust on help@icarustrust.org or visit our website http://www.icarustrust.org

All the very best to you.

[Author]

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