[be-happy33]

Where to begin…

for as long as I can remember my dad has had health problems, mainly physical, to start with anyway. After several health problems such as a bad back due to being attacked whilst driving a bus, heart attack at 40, prostate cancer and now a stoma my dad has had a run of bad luck when it comes to his health, even the most positive of people would have struggled to deal with many of these never mind them all. He has always been a drinker and only recently I’ve been told that he always was a drinker even when I was a young kid but functioning in day to day life nonetheless. He has suffered with depression for many years due to what I can suspect would be down to his many health problems and in the last 2-3 years with the breakdown of his 30 year marriage, selling of the family home his many conditions have worsened drastically.

My sister and I along with my mum supported him for pretty much ever, I am now 33 and my sister 37 and its only been the last 2-3 years that my mum and sister had to walk away for many reasons the main one being their sanity and their health. My husband and I have been kind of looking after him to an extent for the past 3 years as well as looking after our 2 very young children. My dad has always been capable of doing things for himeself he just chose not to. The last year or so he has stopped washing himself, pretty much stopped eating, got himself into debt which in part was due to selling the house and all the unexpected bills that pop up, his house is unclean and he drinks and smokes heavily every day. On top of this the main problem that he has had for approximately 10 years is the misuse of his prescription drugs. He has been hospitalised several times over the last 3 years with overdosing on these and being found by one of us unconscious on his couch – this is the point when the others had to walk away. 2 weeks ago it was my turn to find him on the couch in this state and he was hospitalised for over a week under an AWI which meant he had no say in whether or not he could discharge himself which he tried to do several times.

He is now home and back to what is normal for him, sleeping through the day and waking at night, he is most days unable to move or string a sentence together, he is unclean and to be honest smells. He is pretty much a vegetable.

I have spoke to everyone imaginable over the last 10 years to see what help we can get, GPS, old addiction workers, psychiatrists, his consultants and nurses in his many hospital stints and they all say the same – they can only help him if he wants it and he doesn’t. Because he is under 65 he isnt entitled to any free help from carers and to be honest even if he was I doubt he would accept it. My life is now pretty much calling him once a day and if he doesn’t answer driving over to see if he is alive, most of the time its hard to tell because his normal state is lying lifeless on the couch. Do I think there is hope for him, NO. And I don’t say that lightly, I honestly do believe he is now beyond help. There is no sign of my dad in there anywhere and its harrowing to witness. He has always said that he wasn’t trying to kill himself when he took these overdoses and I do believe him. But I also believe that it is now just a waiting game for his body to give up. This is no life for anyone, not him and definitely not his family who don’t have problems and are trying hard to make a happy life for them and their kids but with every thought of him or sound of him brings a large cloud of doom over everyone.

I sometimes wish I could do what my sister done and put her and her family first but I know me and i know that I cant. Don’t get me wrong, there have been many times I have thought it and really believed I could but when it came down to it he always has this hold over me that just makes me feel so sorry for him and want to help him even when I know there is no hope. So all I feel I can do is be there to make sure he doesn’t die and lie alone for days on end. I have accepted that I might never have another normal conversation with my dad or see him looking remotely human-like but its fine. At least I will know that I didn’t give up on him, not physically anyway.

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