Hi Zoe,
It’s so hard for you being on this rollercoaster. I do feel for you.
If you would like to speak to someone who would understand please contact The Icarus Trust. We are a charity that is there to support people like yourself having to deal with the impact of a loved one’s addiction.
We offer the free service called Family Friends. These are our experienced trained volunteers who you could be put in touch with. Maybe speaking to one of them will help you to make sense of things and find a way ahead.
You can contact us on help@icarustrust.org or visit the website http://www.icarustrust.org
Good luck!