[bhoyo1]

Im a 39 year old man thats been addicted to drugs since i was 12.started of cannabis, speed,ecstasy and then cocaine. The cocaine addiction has been going on for around 8 year not long after my mum passed away.

I realised around 3 year ago that the amount i was taking was increasing and heavier but just kept going and going. Its got to a point where your taking it sitting on your watching a film or at work or anywhere you can. Ive had to hide so mutch of what i was doing it makes you feel shameful and guilty and a liar but the thing wirh coke that its that powerful you jist want to keep going regardless.

I have 2 daughters that are happy and looked after and have never seen me taking it because its always hid but the guilty feeling on…..i could have spent that £500 over the month on toys or clothes or on them. As an addict of coke i know that we dont want to hurt people close to use so hide it not to hurt them.we dont plan every day to set out to get it but if that impulse is put in your head by a comment or picture or film with someone taking coke or the slightest mention the urge is unbearable but yet the guilt after it is unbearable also.addiction is the worst thing to go through and so hard to break. Not sure why im writting this to be honest maybe just needed to say how i feel.

[b8988]

Hi and welcome, my husband is a cocaine addict and doesn’t really open up to how he feels and why he uses despite all the negative consequences. Thank you for saying it like it is, as sometimes I think my husband is taking the mick looking disgusted after he’s been on it all night the next day. I think “ is he trying to blag me that he feels bad” as if he did he wouldn’t keep doing it surely? My husband must get bad urges now to use as he can no longer hide it like he used to. For example he will be doing something normal like taking the recycling out then disappear and not come back til early hours of the morning, full of regret and Shame. Obviously I can’t cope with this extreme behaviour. So I’ve ended it after 5 years of him being addicted. His recklessness has got worse and worse. Is this normal as the addiction progresses?

[dnanon]

Well at least you are admitting that you have a serious addiction and that is definitely a start. So, as I said to my son, who is 30 what do you want to do about it! If you can afford £500 a month then you must be still working. It’s good that your daughters are well looked after but is that by your partner or ex partner? I have a son who has had a cocaine addiction for approx 10 years and despite offering all our support we have not heard from him since November. I am hoping that with your post you are reaching out and thinking of quitting. If so, read the posts from Danman as he has been clean for 4 weeks and trying so hard to quit. Good luck.

[bhoyo1]

Like myself and probably your son u know spending all that money is wrong but u dont think its a problem because your enjoyong yourself most of the time and not slumped in a corner not interacting with anyone.

I still work full time and i have my daughters 50/50. Fully functioning but with an expensive drug habbit and now nearing 40 know its got to stop

[bhoyo1]

Sorry to hear about yourself and husband and sad that it came to tbat.

It kind of is part of the addiction. When your taking it you dont want to stop hence being out all night or weekend.we know were doing wrong and its gonna cause problems but that urge to keep on taking it all night is so hard to break. My daughters mum now ex i put her through all of that and believe me the guilt is horrible and remorse is there. The cocaine just changes the brain imbalance to keep going. I never opened up once to my about the amount i was taking because i felt ashamed and didnt want her to know.

[b8988]

I’ve tried being really understanding but he always looks horrified when I suggest if he has to use that he should tell me instead of just disappearing, then at least it wouldn’t be so mad about the lies and not knowing where he is and what times he will be back! He said he’d never do that as then it normalises it and it’s not normal, maybe he likes the thrill of doing it behind my back?

His lies have become normal now, it’s like he doesn’t even know the lies from reality anymore, like not even just about drugs, he will lie about anything which makes it impossible to know how he’s really feeling or if he’s ever telling the truth. You’re right the drug has literally changed him so much that he’s almost unrecognisable anymore. I never know what he’s planning next and he never sees anything he’s done as being as bad as everyone else sees it, he will admit things he’s done are wrong but downplays everything.

He took £40 of our sons Christmas money to get drugs with, then told my 8 year old he hadn’t stolen it, he’d only borrowed it and I was gonna give it him back. When I went mad he said I always exaggerate! Anyone normal would say it’s stealing if you hadn’t asked to lend it and how could he assume I’d be giving it my son back without even asking me? Little things like this were becoming everyday occurrences. It’s like all common sense has gone along with all his morals.

[dnanon]

Just wondering why you are speaking out about it now? Do you Truely want to do something about it? Dare I ask how much you have been using? I dread to think how much my son has been using. Are you thinking of quitting?

[bhoyo1]

Im going to a meeting tomorrow to start speaking about it so smal steps. I can be anything up to 700 per month.its nearly every day and its all weekend. Its in work,its any toilet i can find or wherever i can do it.

[danman83]

I feel your pain mate . Ive been doing it 8 years every couple of week on fridays mainly alone in the house. Feeling depressed and suicidal.

Weekend in bed not doing out with the kids. Or i could of spent that money on the kids.

Least now you have addmited your an addict you can get help mate.

I havent had it since new year..

U need delete everyone out your phone to do with coke. You need stay in and stay awsy from everyone with coke. You need change your life around, routine. Ive started reading books and i never read.watch louise clarke on you tube crack cocaine part 123. Shes great and will give u great advice.

Its hard you will have dreams about using.and i cant say am clean now, because im not. Ive not had it for 4 week now. I feel so much better. My gf is ready to leave if i have it again.

Stay positive mate. Ignore negative thought, or that devil on your shoulder saying just get 1 , just have a little bit. You be ok..coz u know thats not true!

How often do u use mate?

[bhoyo1]

Well done for not touching any for a few weeks. Im guessing its still hard and when it gets in your head its hard to get it out. Like you say that little devil speaking in your ear. Its actualy scary the amount of money spent on it instead of doing things or buying more for the kids.

Yeah i can do just 1 or just a couple of lines it snowballs into a quarter a night on my own or half oz with a few pals. Even couple of pints out watching the football on a tuesday night ends up in 3-7 gram for the night. Its hard because its enjoyable at the time just not the days after

[dnanon]

Hi Danman, been reading Louise Clarke which is helping me understand cocaine addiction. Just wanted to ask if those tablets are any good with the cravings. In case my son gets in touch and wants to stop . . .

[danman83]

Well im not getting much cravings and in my dreams im not having as many were am taking coke in them. But i cant really tell. Because i dont know how i would be without them after a month? If u get me?

But for 12quid for 2 tubs… you might as well try them. As its 40quid for a gram of coke! So what have u got to lose???

But im feeling a lot better. More positive, and more determined

So they feel like they are.

Has he still not been in touch? Are you ok? Its not good when its your own son. I hope he gets in touch soon. Or you try and go to see him.

[dnanon]

No my son has still not been in touch with me. I spent all day crying on Friday being snappy with my husband because that’s what we do. I sent my son a text today to say I was feeling better and asked how he is – nothing back! My husband has text him to let him know about the research I have been doing to try and help him. He has text him back to say to stop texting him about drugs or in his words ‘that sh-t or he will stop responding to him. He has also said he is going away for a week, (nothing to do with drugs). It’s no use texting his’gf’ as she won’t tell us anything but says she is doing her best for him!

Danman, you have come through the worst and are doing really well. Keep it up, but remember about how it can creep up on you so just stay aware. You enjoy your family time.

Bhoyo I am amazed how you are functioning and managing to have your kids 50/50. I hope you do try to stop because I have seen what it can do to families and children. My son hasn’t seen his children since November and he hasn’t been in contact with them or the mums. No Christmas presents for them. He is not functioning or living an exciting life. He is no longer working and doesn’t want to. He isn’t going out and partying, however I realise he may be partying on his own.

[bhoyo1]

Can see it must be hard for yourself and husband. Ots a hard one for both of you but i know first hamd when someine is on at you about getting help and constantly it starts to become a feeling of resenting the person trying to help because you can see you need it and the last thing you want is other people telling you you need help as well. He might try and get it one day but obviously now isnt the time for him.

I go to my work every day even if i have had a couple of hours sleep because of coke and tske my girls places and all the things i should be doing but i can be doing a lot more for them so thats why i made the decision to go for it.

Its a shame because ur son will probs be missing his kids as well but just in this rut. Its been since november so will be feeling guilty and thinking its gon a be hard to get back in touch.

[danman83]

Thats what im worried about. It creeping up. But im better prepared this time. And i dont want to mess up again. I feel so much better and positive and less anxiety now

[bhoyo1]

Good to hear that danman and keep it going can only be good for ya

[bluebell]

Bhoyo1 you’re not my ex husband are you? And just changed two boys for two daughters? If not you are living identical lives! Seriously, the amount you use, the times you use it, it sounds very familiar to me! Right down to the football on Tuesday nights! Only you appear to want to change, my ex doesn’t! I hope you find a way to break this. Danny is doing really well, read his other threads and be inspired. Wishing you luck x

[bhoyo1]

Haha nope definitely have to girls lol. Yeah turn 40 this year and cant keep it up. Its hard to give something up when its enjoyable and probs like ur husband few pints goes hand in hand with coke now a days. I know so many people doing the excact same its quite scary as it considered normal these days.

[dnanon]

Bhoyo thanks for the advice about offering help to our son. Good to see it from a different prospective. What we are worried about is that we helped him sell his house in November and he got over £20,000. He owed us money but we didn’t expect any back. However, he owes a family member money, which we are paying back as my husband was the guarantor. I think we thought as it had been discussed with him that he would pay some back to the family member. We worry that he will spend all the money on the big C and have nothing left. Then what will he do as he isn’t working, living with his current gf in her flat. Like you said the longer he leaves not contacting us or his kids and their mums the harder it will be.

Anyway, how did the meeting go for you yesterday? Hope you got some good advice on what you need to do.

[b8988]

DNanon- unfortunately if he loses everything that’s up to him! Have you done any research about drug addiction and the importance of not enabling? If he gets bailed out he won’t ever be inclinded to change. They need to get to a stage where carrying on using is worse than stopping, only problem is that can take years!

I’m sure your son is aware that he has a problem but at the same time that doesn’t necessarily mean that he’s ready to do anything about it yet. Unfortunately if his girlfriend is a enabler he isn’t going to be changing anytime soon, as he has no need to!

The things that most people hold dear like families, pride etc all go out of the window when people are in active addiction, as unfortunately the drug will come before everything and everyone. That’s not him being a horrible person it’s just the way his brain has been reprogrammed to prioritise the drug over anything else, check out the experiment with lab rats and cocaine!

I’d maybe think about attending a support group for yourself like al anon etc. That helps you to focus on your own well being and not so much on your son. The sad fact of the matter is the addicts are usually the ones completely oblivious to the chaos and destruction around them and we who love them are the ones continuously getting hurt and let down. X

[dnanon]

Everything you are saying is absolutely true and I do know as I have read the books and know about the lab rats choosing cocaine over food and ultimately dying. We have attended a support group but stopped going as my hubby just wanted to know how to help our son and it was about us. He just won’t give up on him and feels he is doing this if we don’t keep trying to contact him. Our son has been using cocaine for 8-10 years now so you would think that he would be getting to that stage by now. Two relationships ruined, losing his house, no job, not seeing his kids. How much lower can he go! This has affected all our family, not just us but the family member we are paying the money back to, his brother and family and our grand-children (his kids). I wish we could be strong and disassociate with him but he is our son and we can’t move on.

[b8988]

Yes of course, I understand totally. I’m going through the same with my husband, he can be such a amazing man but cocaine has literally turned him into someone who’s unrecognisable at times. He’s lost his job (which was a good one) lost most of his friends, the majority of his family and mine, have no time for him anymore. He also has a criminal record now for drink/drug driving along with taking the car without permission. Just when you think he can’t get any worse, he does. The amount of times I’ve thought “ this has to be his rock bottom!” But sadly no it’s not! I’ve joked many of times that I think one day he will just think “oh I’m bored of it now” then snap out of it. Who knows when it will end? It will be interesting to know, nothing can last forever!

Maybe try backing off him entirely, I know that at al anon they said last week that if you change your game plan and focus on yourself, don’t keep on about drugs or guilt tripping etc, that sometimes the addict is drawn by the change of behaviour so is then forced to look at themselves, although as I said with him having a girl friend who’s not much use, probably isn’t helping him!

[bluebell]

I think there may be some truth in what you are saying B8988. We signed the divorce papers on Monday night and I think it upset my ex husband as he asked for a hug afterwards ad then again tonight he actually asked for a hug. I try to just remind myself that I must keep moving forward, much as I will love him forever, I cannot let him hurt me or the boys any more. Tonight he dropped the kids off early and said that he was tired so going to bed as in London tomorrow. Yet he got in his car and drove the opposite way to home to God knows where. And that really is the sum of it. He cannot change. I doubt he does have a woman which is most people’s reaction to this behaviour. He’s just off to score. I don’t know what will be rock bottom, but I am powerless to help him and so am trying to save myself and my kids.

[b8988]

My husband is saying he can’t continue without me, saying if he had to lose me for good he might as well be dead. He’s cried for 3 days and apparently went to a meeting at a church last night and they told him he was the reason why I’d left and he needs to take responsibility for his actions and be nice to me and lose the chip off his shoulder, he said he cried in there too, in front of everybody, he said the penny dropped and he realised he can’t live without me.

To me though actions speak louder than words, I know he loves me but that’s not enough, not this time! I can’t risk it all again when I’m just picking myself up. I suppose only time will tell what the outcome will be, so I know what you mean Bluebell x

[bluebell]

That is really positive B8988, at least he is trying, at least he is declaring love for you. He seems to really want to change. Although I bet like me you may be thinking, did he really? But that is how they make us paranoid and manipulate us all the time. They keep us in this circle of drama. I do think that they love us, deep down they do. But this coke, gosh it’s got a draw to it! I am petrified of the stuff and would never ever take it after hearing how it can get a hold of you. And for the record, back in the day I would party with the rest of them at raves, I’ve done MDMA, mushrooms, speed, weed, all in my teens and early 20’sbut I was single with no responsibilities and kept it for festivals and special occasions, so just a couple of times a year. So it’s not like I don’t know what those things do to you and would never touch them now. But I just don’t understand how coke manages to hook everyone so badly, it really is the devil’s work!

But I am hopeful for you B8988! He sounds like he really does care and doesn’t want to lose you. Mine is totally unpredictable! One minute hugs, the next telling me I’m useless and he doesn’t want to be with me. I do wonder what my life will be like this time next year…..x

[b8988]

Yes bluebell, that’s the problem with us, we will always be sceptical but for good reason. We have heard all the “it will be different this time!” A million times before. Proofs in the pudding as they say!

Your husbands mood seems all over the place at the minute, I’d deffo say that points to him still being in active addiction. My husband used to cry if I threatened to leave him one day, then be vile to me the next! That’s when he was deep in it, I guess the more you use, the more irrational your behaviour.

[bluebell]

B8988 you are right he is using. Tonight I called him on it and said I knew. The paranoia that he was being followed was a tad amusing but also a bit concerning but I pointed out his come down was evidence enough to which he then fessed up to using but only last Friday ???? He went to Amsterdam for New Years Eve need I say more ,,,

Anyway, Bhoyo and Danman I need your advice, I really do! My ex wants to have a sesh with me (he means alcohol) on Saturday night as I am seeing Bastille in Brighton tomorrow then our clubbing with friends.

I need advice on what he wants to talk about, eg us moving forward and being honest. He said something strange though and I would like to understand more about what he means as it appears for the first time since our divorce he wants to try and make me “understand”.

He said he used on Friday as he was feeling down, to which I said well that’s because you don’t get cuddles any more and he said “you don’t understand, that’s not what I need”

What does he mean by this. What does he “need” that the coke gives him that a person can’t? I would like to know so that I don’t judge him or say anything inappropriate when he finallly talks to me which he says he wants to. I sent our divorce papers off today. I didn’t tell him. I’m a bit scared about his reaction to me doing that although he knows I was going to but he kept dragging his feet. He said to me he doesn’t want to do it any more and Friday was a slip up. He’s never been this open with me before, and to be honest only opened up as I said the wY we were acting was bullshit and I was fed up with his lies so didn’t want any kind of relationship whereas he wants us to be friends. He still holds a lot of anger towards me, mainly because he had a psychotic meltdown 18 months ago accusing me with sleeping with a 26 year old carpet fitter! It was so random!

Bhoyo and Danman your advice and anyone else’s would be very welcome as this the first time EVER he has genuinely said he wanted to give it up.

[danman83]

Ive only just seen this sorry

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