[ynot1962]

Ok nice to be here with people who can understand the evil power of cocaine! I wished I’d never encountered it!

Please forgive me if this is long winded bit I’ll just briefly outline my life with and without it

I was married for 20 years in a lovely family bubble with our 4 children… it was closeted from the real world (work, eat sleep, family time and occasionally gym and fishing

I never smoked, drank alcohol and definitely not drugs! I thought that cocaine stuff was only in South America (ok I was naive) I really didn’t know how easy and rife it was here?

Anyway 20 years down the line the marriage fell apart and I’m not gonna lie I was heartbroken in fact suicidal

I never worked for 6 or 7 months and sat in my bedroom in my dads house contemplating suicide!

I found myself on the streets soon after that (can’t even remember) but a friend of mine who was a builder recognised me and took pity on me … he cleaned me up and made me work with Hina d paid me after taking back to dads house!

He bought me all new clothes and dragged me out in a night out with the lads (chippys, electricians and plasterers etc)

Well we went to a gentleman’s club and I couldn’t believe that these guys all had such weak bladders ????

(Clearly they were busy topping themselves up!!!

On the way to the next club I was surrounded by my new friends who, I have to say we’re great company!

My friend got this gold bullet thing out and said “shove this up your nose”

I didn’t have a problem because my motto was now true everything as life is too short? So I snorted up as he suggested and when I said “wow, what was that@ he replied “you’ve just had your first”line” of cocaine!

It didn’t bother me because they were all doing it and seemed to be very cheerful

When we entered the club well, it was like I’d reached a new level of confidence ….. I was chatting up girls and pulling my shapes … it was amazing and the best thing was my friend told me if I took it every now and again it would cure my hangovers…. he didn’t tell me how depressed and sh?$ty I’d feel

I carried on at the weekend doing it until it gradually became the norm!

Well after a couple years I was taking it every time something good happened (as a reward) or when something bad happened (as consolation)

It was starting to get out of control and I noticed I became more and more involved with porn watching and it had to be more and more filthy and dirty to gain my interest!

It’s not me, I was a Christian who went to church every Sunday and here I am surrounded by bad thoughts?

I went to Cocaine Anonymous which helped for about a year but I’m afraid it wasn’t for me although everyone was nice!

Went back to my old ways and started again until i had a mild heart attach then stopped for a while but again it started taking over ….. I have met the love of my life now in my mid fifties and we want to get married but like I saw on “Jensen’s” story she has seen through the cracks …. but I continue to lie about everything and is now on the verge of costing me my new job (which when I’m on it I actually don’t care if I overdose then a day later I think how the hell could I think like that… life is precious)

Anyway I’m here and struggling with my situation so hopefully you guys can throw some light on my situation …. it sounds like most people …. horny? Porn? Sex? It’s the devil I swear

Anyway hope I get some good feedback and apologies for the life story ????

[danman83]

I cant believe you was on the streets before you even did drugs.

But your friend did good helping you

Im in the same situation as you but im lapsing every couple of week. You have already been clean a year in the past . So i wouldnt beat myself up about it, and just get back on track. And do what you did last time to stop.

But u need not go out with anyone that does coke. And delete all your dealers numbers. Go back to some meetings again.

[ynot1962]

Thanks Danman

I think it’s easier said than done not seeing or socialising with dealers and people that do it? I mean I went to Majorca with my friend a few years ago and within ten minutes of going in a bar he said bet you can’t get any gear around here?

Well I ended up chatting to a girl who was a dealer…. she said “follow me downstairs to the toilets and I need a wee”?” Well I got the wrong idea and it ended up very embarrassing with her boyfriend who was gonna knock me out? Strange that she sat there dealing to me having a wee?

Anyway I’m digressing ….. what I’m saying is that you can find someone anywhere these days to pick up!

I think I’m cursed with that face that people just think “oh bet he has some stuff on him?” And I always make friends with the wronguns? Know what I mean?

Thank you for that comment though it does make perfect sense

[danman83]

Ye but its about cutting down the things to do with coke in your life. If you want to quit is it better to have 10 dealers in your phone book or 0 ? Id go for 0 if i want to quit.

Ye i can still get it not dealing with people, but it cuts my triggers down. If you see someone who has coke you know, it makes you want to have it.

And course you are going to get it on holiday! Its rife abroad.

Its in every pub in uk.. you have to avoid all pubs and clubs, not drink anymore, its hard and its frustrating. But these are the sacrifices addicts have to make.

[ynot1962]

Wise words! Very true I think I forget sometimes that there is an amount of self will I have to put in… there is no magic answer!

And is it true that addicts are like cancer patients (without being offensive to cancer patients… they are all illnesses? Right?) in that we live our lives in remission so as to say? It will always be there just waiting for you to bring your life down… or taken away?

[ynot1962]

Here’s a subject that I’ve always fought with myself about …. my friend who helped me off the streets was like a good samiritan however he also gave me the kiss of death by introducing me to his friend “the cocaine?”

Don’t know about anyone else but I would never introduce anyone to coke! What happens if they end up like me ot even dead? My responsibility?

Those are my rules … never introduce an inquisitive person to cocaine

[danman83]

Ye its a rough one. But we make our own decisions. My cousin gave me cocaine 1st. I crack jokes blaming him. But it was me who said yes.

We cant blame other people for our own actions. But thats just my opinion.

Your mate did great really and if it was me id be forever greatful, which i guess you are. But its time to cut out them mates altogether now. You have 4 kids and your health to think of now. You need some new hobbies

[danman83]

Tough.

I ment

[ynot1962]

Yes I am eternally grateful as I could have ended up in a much worse place and not been here now?

If I did as much gym and weights as I did coke I’d look like Arnold Swarzenegger now ha

Yes time to rethink my life strategy and try and be the man I was when I had the kids growing up!

It all seems very now though….

[danman83]

What you mean now?

[ynot1962]

Oops I meant it seems very boring now as the euphoria you feel when you’ve discovered this drug is amazing…. but false!!!

[danman83]

Ye but its only the 1st line or key that feels like that. The rest your just chasing for the 1st high.

[ynot1962]

Correct!

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