[navy]

Hi all

Need some advice from ex-addicts please

My husband has been without cocaine for a week, he agitated, nervous, constantly looking for compliments always asking me to help him do things gets very upset if something doesn’t go his way

He says he had no friends they all want something from him, nobody calls him.

I feel like I’m walking on egg shells I’m scared to say or do things as I’m always wrong, but yet I should be looking after him as he has mental health issues. I told him things will get better that he had poisoned himself and it will take time. He flew off the handle saying that it has nothing to do with how he feeling.

Im torn I need to know in the first week How things were for an addict .

Please can anyone help?

Thank you Navy x

[lindyloo]

Hi Navy thank you for sharing your story.

If you click above ‘ share your story ‘ then scroll to Change is possible- an addicts story by Kulstar.

I have also been where you are with my son, alcohol and cocaine addictions. It’s a living nightmare.

Thankfully he is 15mths clean atm, through seeking help from CA and AA groups, going to regular meetings, working with a sponsor through the 12 step program.

It’s been tough for him, every day is a battle, but he’s done so well and helping others now.

He has to be prepared to make the change, avoid triggers, friends who use etc, delete scumbag dealers numbers.

Stay strong, have faith- change is possible as Kulstar says.

Look after yourself in the meantime.

Lx ❤️

[navy]

Hi Lindy loo

Thank you so much for coming back to me.

I’m going to call up kulstar journey

I know it’s so hard really hard

Well fine to your son I’m so glad for you and that he wanted to do this for himself the problem I have is that he won’t talk to me about it. I’m struggling as I want to help but I need him to share.

Hopefully this is the first step but I don’t know if it will carry on when I get back from holidays as he not going to meeting or gone for help.

I just pray that he will see the light.

Please tell your so I admire him for helping others through this and keep strong

Love Navy xx

[kulstar]

Hey Lindyloo

15 months clean is brilliant. He’s taking ownership which is amazing. Well done lad, you keep going strong.

The battle, aaww main thing is he’s fighting. I’m only into my 7th month but I’ve been reminded its not about the quantity but the quality of the recover. It should really become easier as you get a different perspective of life. I’ve tried to create a new blessed path of living. I do so much more now with the time I have available and it sounds like your boy is doing the same.

Talking to others who are in it also helps as it just reminds you that the path you are on is privileged.

Just wanted to pass on a message to your lad and say keep it up bro, you’ve got this and you just never know what life will bring you if you keep walking along this journey

[lindyloo]

Thank you for your words of encouragement Kulstar- I’ll pass them onto my son.

Yes, a whole different world for him, staying clean, hanging with guys who don’t use( mostly the fellowship).

It was hard at first for him- socialising was a big thing for him he always looked forward to the weekend. But he couldn’t ever stop when his friends could. He’s always been a bit ocd, maybe even adhd. He’s found new hobbies and the CA group keeps him busy.

I thank God every day, and pray for his strength to fight the Beast!

Be proud of yourself Kulstar- you’re doing so well ✨️

Lx ❤️

[kulstar]

Thank you LX for mentioning me. Much appreciated ????????

Navy, pleased to meet you (albeit not under the circumstances you’d like). So it’s your hubby’s first week and congrats to him for taking the step. Now….bear in mind he’s relied on cocaine to channel his emotions or more like numb them. Now he’s facing life head on so deserves credit for taking his first steps. This is where I will slightly differ maybe from the consensus. He’s got to have the fight within him to recognise what’s going on, he’s got to dig deep and keep facing life. If you give him enduring love and support him all the way he might think well I fall off and relapse she’ll be here anyway. He’s got to face the consequences and he’s got reignite the fire within him to life a blessed life.

At the start it’s very much like anything new, it demands attention to detail and he’s got to keep practicing all the basics without the influence of substances.

Now you may ask, but all he’s doing is everyday things and he’s struggling with these. Well it’s probably been a while since he’s done these things naturally no matter how small it maybe. In my first week I was an absolute mess, crying, couldn’t / didn’t want to get out of bed, not brushing my teeth, not showering, eating excessively or none at all etc. It’s all part of the detox.

The bit about the friends. So what if no one calls him? This journey has to be his which he owns. By owning his journey he’ll present the best version of himself to the world and in time he’ll gain a new circle of friends through the vibes he’ll give off.

You’re walking on egg shells? Remind me what you’ve done wrong in this? He should be the one repenting and feeling remorseful. This is the truth no matter how much you love him. He has to make amends, not you. Support him yes however he has to accept his wrongs. My wife in the first couple of weeks didn’t really show much support, why would she? I was the cokehead who lied and became a narcissist master of manipulation. How dare I insist my wifey should walk around on eggshells.

Navy, continue doing what your doing. Don’t shower him though with too much support, it is he who must earn that precious love once more in my very honest humble opinion

[navy]

Hi Kulstar

Thank you for taking the time to reply to me. I really do appreciate it.

When I say that this is his first week clean it’s because we are going on holidays

I found out about his addiction in April and we have rowed 3 times in him going to get help. He still hadn’t got help.

Nobody knows about his addiction and to be truthful with you I don’t think he thinks he has a problem!!!

I’m just trying to be patient with him as I’m trying to understand the effects this has on him. He says that he has mental issues (he doesn’t think this has anything to do with drugs) I do however.

I think this first week is horrendous and it’s me who is crying a lot with the things he says.

I pray when our holidays end that he will see there is a brighter future and he needs to go out and grab it with both hands.

Thank you so much Kulstar for your insight. I truly believe that I’m too soft and I should be a bit more straight with him.

Congratulations to you getting on with your life and enjoying it better with a loving wife.

Take care

Navy xx

[kulstar]

Hi Navy

Right, I understand now!

The situation is more precarious than I thought. I thought he had accepted he had a problem and was trying to come clean.

If this has been forced upon him then great at least he maybe able to seek clarity regarding his past. A little concerned that he doesn’t appear to be taking ownership of this.

You won’t need me to tell you but its down to the individual so please don’t beat yourself up about what a grown man decides to do.

Please check back in and let us know how it goes.

Good Luck

[navy]

Hi kulstar

I’m so lost right now

This is a disaster that’s all we have done is row. I’m trying so hard but I don’t think I’m doing so well. I didn’t want him to drive today and he has I told him I wasn’t impressed but it’s all my fault I don’t want him to be happy I want to bring him down I just don’t know anymore. I actually think I’m losing my mind. If it wasn’t for this site I would be blaming myself. But I actually don’t think I can cope anymore.

I’m so sorry for the way I feel.

I just want to support him but I don’t think I can forgive him.

I’m sobbing my heart out.

Thank you for being there for me.

Navy xx

[kulstar]

Navy

YOU HAVE NOTHING TO APOLOGISE FOR AND YOU’VE DONE NOTHING WRONG!

The Manchild that is your hubby needs to man up and grow a pair. He can’t accept any responsibility and he’s dragging you down.

Before you support him he needs to support himself. You can’t help someone that doesn’t want to be helped.

He’s blaming you as endorsement of continued use of drugs. I kidded myself that my life was so miserable that I needed to keep using. That was utter tripe, my life and all those in it were beautiful but it was I who chose to deliberately and intentionally deluded myself to continue abusing cocaine.

I wish I could grab you and give you a great big hug, in the same vein I wish I could reach out to your hubby and deliver some cold hearted facts. He won’t register them at this stage though because nothing is his fault.

Don’t sob Navy, if anything save yourself first. Whatever that looks like I don’t know but your man has to suffer the consequences of making you feel like this.

[navy]

Hi kulstar

Im checking in with you

Hope you doing well.

Well it’s a the anniversary of his fathers death.

I’ve tried to do all I can today. It’s gone from ok to awful. Everything is an effort. It’s been from slow service at restaurants to shops and that’s been hard for him he is getting stressed about it saying he can’t cope.

He gets very angry.

I’ve tried to reason with him but everything & everyone is against him. I’m apparently taking everyone else’s side and doing nothing for him. Yet I’ve praised him and let him do whatever he wanted today.

I know he is grieving but to speak the way he has and tell me he needs to be alone!

He told me that I need to give him unconditional love!!!

He has taken diazepam to make him sleep so he doesn’t have to think or do anything.

I’m hoping this is just because he is having feelings that he can’t quash with drugs!!! But all this really hurts.

I’m hoping tomorrow will be a better day. I know he going to be drowsy tho.

Thank you for listening

Keep up the good work and advice your an inspiration to me.

Navy xx

[missx]

Hi everyone,

I hope you are all doing OK.

Firstly – I’m sorry for hijacking this post but I would really like some advice from Kulstar if possible.

I originally posted in the “Drugs, Alcohol & Mental Health” Forum on 09 August and will copy my original post here for the background to my story:

***Overwhelmed by my boyfriend’s cocaine addiction

Hi everyone,

Apologies if this post comes out a jumble of words, I am completely overwhelmed at the situation I find myself in and just don’t know what to do for the best.

I have been reading all your posts and have found them really comforting. I think I would be especially interested in replies from @Jamesb and @danman83 from the point of view of a recovering addict or anyone who is in a relationship with someone who has relapsed after a long time being clean.

I have been with my boyfriend for two years and he is truly an amazing person with the biggest heart.

I have been worried about him for the past two months as he has been very evasive – making plans to meet but then cancelling for various (plausible) reasons at the last minute. Also asking to borrow money (which he has never done before) but, again, the reasons were completely believable.

In the end, after two months of not seeing him and him not showing up to my house on Friday when he had promised to come and talk, I was so worried that I ended up sitting outside his house on Friday night until he came home… at 2:30am.

He was really shocked to see me, he didn’t want to look at me and didn’t want me to look at him. The physical change in him in those two months was immense – the weight loss, the hollow eyes – I couldn’t believe he was the same guy.

I told him I was worried about him and said that we didn’t have to talk right then but asked if he would come home with me, get some sleep and we could talk in the morning.

As soon as he got in my car he broke down and told me he had relapsed. I wasn’t even aware that he had a drug problem in the past. He told me everything – that he had been clean for 10 years but stupidly went out around three months ago, got drunk and did a line, thinking that would be it… of course, it wasn’t and for the past two months he has been in a complete relapse. He had been avoiding me because he was so ashamed and didn’t know how I would react.

I genuinely believe he wants to get help and I trust that he can beat this – he has too much that is good in his life to let this beat him. He has told his employer (NHS) and they have put aside funding to get him into a detox but there is a wait for this.

I guess what I am asking is how I best help him in the meantime. I have never done drugs in my life and, honestly, am very niave to the situation.

I have told him that I will not give him any more money but that I will cook him food and that I want to be there to support him. I just don’t know if my presence is cushioning him? I was supposed to take him for an assessment today in preparation for the detox but when I went to his house to pick him up he wasn’t there and his phone was going straight to voicemail.

He has since messaged to say that he got a nail in his tyre and that his phone battery died. I don’t even know if he went to his assessment as I haven’t responded to him yet. His employers said they will keep his job open for him as long as he continues to engage with them but I just don’t know if he is.

Maybe having me there is making him think that even if something bad happens it will be OK as I will be there to pick up the pieces? Should I continue to offer to help him with getting to appointments etc or should I just be there at the end of the phone and tell him I will be there when he comes out the other side – whether that be as a girlfriend or a friend.

I love him so much walking away would be the hardest thing but I want to do what is best for him as I know in the long run I will be OK.

Thank you for reading and thank you in advance for any answers, advice or suggestions!***

Obviously a lot has happened since I originally posted. He is still waiting to get into the detox and it is almost as if he has pinned all his hopes on this. I did think we had reached a turning point last week and he did say that he was going to try to detox himself at home but that didn’t work. He doesn’t want to go back to NA meetings at the moment as these people have been his family for the last 10 years and he doesn’t want them to see him as he is now – he says he wants to get clean and stronger first but he is just further isolating himself and I don’t see how can get stronger without support.

Kulstar – I know it will be different for everyone but can I ask about your ‘Rock Bottom’ the tipping point that made you make a change? Do you think my support means he will never reach this? Do you think I need to walk away temporarily and let him figure things out on his own?

Thank you so much for reading and any advice is gratefully appreciated.

[kulstar]

Hi Missx

My rock bottom was very personal in that missing my son’s first football match aged 6 (he’s still 6 btw!) after having supported him through training hurt more than words can describe. I was away with a bottle of whiskey and bags of cocaine. I never thought my selfish ways would ever effect my children. I’ve always doted on them but it made me realise over the past couple of years as my intake increased how much I was there for them but not really, I was only there in body not spirit.

Your support as well intentioned as it is acts as a safety net for him. I faked mental health for my irrational behaviour, even taking anti-depressants for 6 months (what a doucebag I know!).

My comedowns weren’t enough for me to stop, whats the saying, you can’t comedown if you carry on which is exactly what I did.

What you do with your support is up to you but I know full well that an individual as to really want to change within. If that means you leave them to it until they reach the depths of despair so they are responsible for their actions then thats up to you. Of course the danger here is you basically leave them for dead as they up their substance abuse, I can’t make that call.

I just knew that in reality no one was left to save me but me. Call it luck, call it intuition but I knew I deserved a better me. Through this the world would see the best version of me.

You walking away might just be the wake up call he needs but again only for you to judge. Whilst he’s pinning his hopes on detox he needs to feel, like really feel that he wants to change, thats the biggest advice I can give. He needs to dream, dream big of a life without any mind altering substance (alcohol included) and imagine whats possible then work backwards in baby steps to see how he achieves this.

I can’t imagine what it’s like being clean for 10 years and then relapsing. For me even a 0% beer is a sign I’m slipping. He must remind himself of what life was like during that period (look at photos, relive memories etc). The pull of coke is strong and hijacks your brain. I hope he didn’t live 10 years of a miserable existence while always craving coke.

Key to my recovery is my life looks completely different to that of when I was using. I can’t do half the things I do now if I was on it hence why there is no going back. My wife expects a certain type of hubby now, my kids expect a Daddy who is always in the moment, my family expect the cheery life and soul of a man that I am, the kids I coach football to expect me to be on form etc.

Might be worth revisiting some of my posts to gain additional insight.

Cruel to be kind might be a phrase you might want to let sink in. We all have it within us, it just depends on how much you want it

[missx]

Hi Kulstar,

Thank you so much for replying and for being so honest.

I will definitely read through your other posts to get a bit more insight.

We haven’t spoken for the last two days and it is so hard… it is just the worry of where he is and if he is alive, arrested etc.

It is also going to be our two year anniversary on Monday 19 September so I will find it very difficult to not reach out to him then!

You must be so proud of yourself for turning things around and living the life you truly deserve… congratulations!

[kulstar]

Hi Missx

Truth is although the compliments are well received and well intentioned I did this to a better man. I should never have ended up where I did and I shouldn’t be in recovery. I’ve selfishly (I know this sounds odd) recovered and live the life I want to live for me. This all has a positive ripple effect I guess.

Stay blessed ????????

[kulstar]

Hi Navy

I’m great thanks and thanks for your kind words.

Yes I understand particular situations / dates / events can be traumatic but NEVER an excuse to use again. I’ve often thought what would I do if faced with especially difficult times. I’ve replayed certain times in my life when I might be tempted.

Truth is unless we deal with ourselves and stop blaming others or relying on their unconditional love we’re always at risk. This is where a deep dive is required of one’s psyche. My aim was not only to stop using cocaine and drink alcohol but it was also to question myself.

You have to look within you and question your own principles and values. You have to be strong enough to face whatever life throws at you. Sometimes we can be grief stricken which is normal but we have to deal with it.

Only you can decide how you love him and some behaviours can be forgiven given the circumstances. However by the same token he needs to deal with any traumas he has head on. Many of us carry our baggage around with us letting it effect our lives.

Not many of us decide to let it go and see the positive in such traumas. I don’t know the relationship between your hubby and his Father but could he not celebrate the good of the relationship he had with him?

Some might think I live in an ever present too positive a bubble, I say you’re scared to face the trauma head on.

We all have choices to make, how would his Father want him to behave?

Stay blessed Navy ????????

[navy]

Hi kulstar

I don’t think he has used on holidays!!!

The relationship wasn’t a close one so I do find it hard to understand why he feels so bad!! Perhaps it’s because he wasn’t there enough in his last days!!

Thank you for your words I’ve read and re-read that the person who is going through this also needs to understand that life gives on for others around them.

I think his dad would say to get on with your life only one you get so live it to the full!!! But I don’t think he will accept this just yet.

Hopefully the next couple of days get better.

Keep in touch you have been so helpful to me and my situation

Take care

Navy xx

[navy]

Hi kulstar

I’m hoping you can guide me please.

It’s been 4 weeks and I think he took it yesterday as he was very horney? Does this happen?

He has also said he had an health issue he going back to bed thinks it’s low blood sugar!!! He felt giddy?

Does this happen when you re-start taking ?

I’m so sorry to ask these questions?

Thank you

Navy

[scousecharlie]

Yes your right only way to stop this height is to cum it’s the only way he will stop

[eddie123]

Hi there, this sounds like a very difficult situation for you and I am sorry. I know of a great charity that supports people like yourselves nationwide. The family support programme is all remote and they help many families a year. Please see link and fill in the referral and someone will endeavour to respond within 24 hours. https://adaptoxford.org.uk/the-icarus-programme/

They also provide free treatment for those seeking help from addiction, however as as a family member wanting support I would deff get in touch with them.

[navy]

Thank you Eddie123

I will look this up

Thanks again for getting in touch

Things have settled a little bit but it’s not right. It’s me who needs help to understand.

Navy x

[kulstar]

Hi Navy

Honestly, asking anything you want, not a problem.

So, the bedroom. A few things, was he able to perform and if he was did he last longer than usual? Did it also feel different in that he wanted to do anything over and above what you guys would normally do? Reason why I ask is because when I was on it, I would also take viagra with it as else I couldn’t perform. Cocaine however would heavily delay me so could perform pretty much all night.

If he was horny but couldn’t perform then cocaine use could be a possibility. It restricts your blood flow which obviously isn’t good for a man and the bedroom!

Low blood pressure could be brought on by a lack of appetite as coke increases blood pressure and provides you with abundance of energy.

As an aside one of the reasons I couldn’t let go of cocaine was the sex. When the wife and I drank together, I would sneak off and sniff, stop sniffing 2 hrs before sex and then pop a viagra. We would then be having it away for hours.

Strangely in the moment (or hours) it seemed great but reality was she was only trying to keep up to please me. How disrespectful to make my wife that she felt she had to continue with sex on the basis that I wanted more, more more.

Anyway, now we still have the same passionate intercourse except it doesn’t last 5 hours but half an hour of innocent fun. My brain had been hijacked thinking sex was only great with coke now and anything less than that wasn’t worth it. This took time for me to understand along with everything else. My senses are just much more heightened now (naturally) and its better than it ever has been!

[navy]

Hi Kulstar

Thank you so much for replying to me, and being open.

I’m breaking my heart reading this. I knew it wasn’t right. It was different.

Yes he was going for ages but couldn’t finish, I had to end it as I couldn’t keep going I said sorry Why or why does he do this.

I’ve built up my Hope just to be knocked back down

I know I have to stop protecting him and be honest with him. I’m not enjoying our relationship anymore. I’m on edge, This is hurting me so much,

I need to talk to him this weekend. If he doesn’t open up to me then it’s time to leave and tell him until he takes responsibility for himself then I have to go.

I’m realising that this is not my problem, I’ve had my fair share of heartache and stress and have never turned to drugs. I know this is an addiction but I can’t cope anymore.

Thank you, take care and I’m so proud of you and I don’t even know you. Your an inspiration to me of how you overcome this and your wife being there. Keep up the good work.

Navy xx

[kulstar]

Aaww bless you, I was hoping I wasn’t right for your sake.

Don’t be down, it’s not your fault, as sad as it is, protect yourself regarding your mental well-being.

I’m not sure of your personal circumstances regarding children however to seek clarity, what would you advise your own daughter to do if she was in your shoes?

I thank you for your kind words but honestly this is all about helping you and others ????????

[navy]

I was hoping I wasn’t right too Kulstar.

My heart aches and my head hurts. I feel sick and Im so tired.

I just want my husband back. I know I have lost him.

We don’t have children, but I know in my heart that If my mum knew she would be asking me why am I staying? And telling me I’m too forgiving, I’m too kind and I have to think of myself and what this relationship is doing to me.

I know the door to my parents is always open no matter what, I just feel like I have failed in another marriage.

My previous had multiple affairs and I was divorced within a year. (it must be my fault)

I’ve been married now for years but it’s been very hard this passed 3 years, with Covid and his use increasing and my suspicions.

I asked him this year about cocaine as I found it around the house and his attitude was so bad that I just hit out at him, that day was the worst.

Having my doubts confirmed, my heart broke into pieces. It was then that he said he used but only occasionally and always had.

He blames his mental health not the drug, I should have realised then that he was never going to give up but I’ve been there only to be lied too agin and again.

I think this is when my relationship changed as so Did my trust, he said he was quitting but never did and I keep finding that white powder.

Im so sorry for babbling, I don’t have anyone to talk too.

Thank you for your support, you do a great job. Thank you for being here on this site helping us all your truly a star.

Navy xx

[kulstar]

Your husband can only comeback if he wants too. You can lead a horse to water but can’t make it drink, as sad as it is. An addict only changes if they want too, not because you want them back.

You may have lost him for now but he might recover. Only real way is as a result of consequence. Again, I’m not going to tell you what this looks like. If he really loves you then in his deepest darkest hour he’ll see the light. If he doesn’t then you have your answer.

I’m coming to with you the advice above based on no emotion, as hard it is, emotions dilute decision making and shouldn’t be taken into account when making life decisions.

Your mother would be right, you’re mental well-being is being degraded everyday, your self worth is taking hits everyday, you’re not a baby sitter. He’s a grown man and he’s got decisions to make. If he chooses to shove coke up his nose to get his fix then let him go buckwild, it won’t end well for him but he chose his path.

You say your previous had multiple affairs and it must be your fault. This tells me your self-esteem is low. Again, taking emotion out of it, self-pity serves no purpose and only allows you to become of a victim mentality. You have to find the courage within to say that you’re better than this. If a man chooses to go elsewhere for sex while in a relationship then more fool him. Same with coke, always chasing, never content.

You hitting out because you found coke is a reaction to HIS ACTION. I highlight HIS ACTION deliberately, notice the clue in the title, HIS.

He can blame mental health (by heck I did) or whatever he wants but he’s living in a bubble. Mental health is heavily effected by cocaine use. I even took anti-depressants, saw my GP etc and it became one great big game. I even had my monthly telephone consultation while high so I know the lengths addicts will go too.

You’re not babbling, us interacting will provide comfort and guidance to all that read these messages whether you are the family involved, the addict who knows what I type of but fails to act or recovering addicts who can endorse what I say (and also help creates layers / barriers within the brain as to why they should never go back there)

[navy]

Hi kulstar

Thank you for your honesty. I need to put myself first stop worrying what I can’t fix and live my life and whatever happens will happen.

Your right HIS actions are his responsibility not mine. He is an adult and I can do no more.

It’s time for tough love now.

That hurts to say but I know deep down it’s true.

Thankyou for helping me through this and making my own decisions.

Keep up the good work your an amazing person

Navy xx

[kulstar]

You’re welcome my dear, amazing is a strong word! We all have so much more power if we work together towards a positive goal of contentness. As human beings we procrastinate alot because it means we don’t have to action anything, quite often until it’s too late.

You don’t know where the rest of your life will take you, one things for certain, no good will come out of this situation if you just stay in it. Negative vibes create negative actions and add no value. You don’t function as well as you could and the world doesn’t see the best version of you.

This is your chance to break free, who knows, your hubby might just comeback to you after he’s seen the light, he might not. Protect yourself and be in charge of your own happiness my sweet. Far too many of us rely on external objects to satisfy ourselves because we’re so empty. Guess what though, you’ll always end up with yourself yet many of us don’t look within to seek that high that we think we’ll get from coke, alochol, a new car, a bigger house, latest phone etc

Stay and more importantly feel blessed Navy, you got this!

[navy]

Hi kulstar

I’m having a bad day.

Can I ask:-

I know you opened up to your family & friends and you felt better afterwards.

I’m struggling because he hasn’t opened up to me. I want to ask him questions I feel I need to know things. He says that I blame everything on this and I should get passed it. But he has lied to me he was still talking it right up till we went away when he said he was coming off it!!!

He thinks I don’t love him and he questioned why I don’t give him unconditional love!!!

I’m lost right now. I know you can’t tell me what to do I have to take emotions out of this but I’m struggling.

I’m going to go for a walk to clear my head then come back with pen & paper.

Thank you for listening

Navy x

[kulstar]

Hi Navy

It’s quite clear when someone doesn’t open up about something either they know there is a problem but can’t face it or they don’t believe there is a problem. I used to fob my wife off all of the time.

 

Addicts will often turn things around on you which is what I did all of the time. This is to create doubt,an illusion or smoke and mirrors diluting the truth. This used to make my wife think she was nuts which is a form of mental abuse, something I’m deeply ashamed of.

 

Sorry I didn’t respond quicker!

[navy]

Hi kulstar

Thank you. I know you have a life to please don’t worry about how long it takes to come back. I’m lucky to have you to talk too.

it’s taken me a while to log in.

I think your right, he has a problem but doesnt want to admit it.  We have argued big time and he has said some awful things, I want to talk about his addiction. But he doesn’t.   I think I have the right to ask questions Or am I being pushy and insensitive?

He said he only does this if he is unhappy, he doesn’t get any enjoyment from it anymore.

Iam trying to stay calm but he keeps saying to me that he needs unconditional love. but unconditional love doesn’t mean he can do whatever he wants and expect me to be ok with it does it?

Can I ask does this drug give you high blood pressure and upset stomach?

I think he is hiding behind his mental health issue or am I being insensitive.
Sorry Kulstar you don’t need all this.

Why does love hurt so badly.

thank you for listening to me

Navy xx

[elf73]

Navy, I just wanted to reply to wish you all the very best of luck. I can’t offer advice as I’m in a similar position. I’ve given an ultimatum and suspected he was still using but doing less as not as obvious. It was very clear again this weekend, leaving no room for any doubt. I’m so sad but like you I’m so unhappy in this relationship now I just can’t carry on. There’s no trust, no support, no love… just lies and distrust. I don’t believe a word he says any more and I feel like I’ll always be wondering if he’s had it even if he eventually does quit. I just can’t see a future for us any more and leaving seems more and more appealing by the day.

I just can’t believe we’re in this position. What an awful drug. Absolutely devastating, just tearing everyone and everything apart. I feel so bad for anyone with children going through this. I’m just grateful I only have myself to worry about.

Take care of yourself, you deserve better. X

[navy]

Hi elf73

Thank you for sharing your story too, I just wish so much that we were not in this position. I just can’t understand why they do it in the first place. I Honestly thought this was a young person drug that they took in nightclubs to keep them awake, I didn’t think it had such a hold on a person. It’s really shocking to find out what this drug actually does to a person. How it changes their personality and what it makes them believe

Im lucky that I don’t have children either.

I pray that you are doing what is best for you. I know that I have to do what’s right for me as hard as this is.

Lots of love, take care

Navy xx

[elf73]

Apologies, not sure why it posted multiple times but I can’t seem to delete the duplicates.

[navy]

Don’t worry we have all done this. I think, but I’m not sure it’s because of the swear word, we have to put stars in place of some letters. ???????? the computer doesn’t like us swearing ????

Xx

[elf73]

.

[elf73]

.

[elf73]

It’s definitely not your fault Navy. We’re all here because we are trying to find out more about addiction so that we can help our loved ones, desperately trying to save them even when we’ve been treated so badly. Even if it was true that my partner that unhappy with me he could have left any time.

It’s not us that’s the problem though. I really think, as far as coke is concerned, it just starts as something to try – there are so many people doing it and it’s glamourised so much – a middle class drug. They try it and its makes them feel great, gives them a confidence they never had and they feel more sociable. They just love the feeling at first. They then take it more and more and without it everything and everyone just seems boring or gets in the way of them taking it. That’s why they end up blaming us or at least making us feel like it’s us. Doing normal things like eating dinner, watching TV, having a quiet drink at the pub… its all boring now because the drug makes them feel like that.

I went through so many emotions at first and I’ve spent months thinking it was my fault and I was too boring or not paying him enough attention. I know now though, especially from reading these forums, that it’s nobody’s fault but theirs.

I know its easy to fall into addiction and I know its hard to get out of. He (and anyone else suffering) has my utmost sympathy. However, we must remember that nothing we can do can make them use coke and nothing we can do can make them stop. It’s all on them. Whether we stick around to support them or not is our decision. I’m making that decision based on how it is affecting me and whether staying is doing any good. I’m really unhappy and sticking it out isn’t helping either of us so I feel it’s time to leave.

Also sorry for rambling but like you I don’t have anyone to talk to about this so once I start I can’t stop!

[navy]

Thank you elf73

We need each other and this forum to get through this.

I’m going to put myself first. If he don’t like it then tough.

Wow that was hard to say to myself!!!

Look after yourself

Tahr care

Catch up again soon

Navy xx

[navy]

Hi elf73

Ive been thinking of you and just wanted to reach out to you. I hope your doing ok. I’m still arguing with myself about leaving. Why do we feel like this, I think we are so caring that we don’t want to see our loved ones do this to themselves. Why do they think this is ok? I have so many questions to ask him but he won’t talk to me about it he has only said that he takes it because he is sad and I should leave it be. He has said he can come off it if he is happy!!
I’m exhausted.

I think he has taken it again this week, I’m so sad, I’ve been so good at not being angry with him.
Let’s see what tomorrow brings

I do hope you are ok.

love Navy xx

[qwerty]

Hi Navy

I have been searching the forums and found your first posts about your partners addiction.

It seems really similar to my situation – please could you give it a read it’s the one titled ‘denial’?

I am so so sorry that this has happened to you.. happened to all of us.

I really need someone to talk to about what is going on as I’m desperate.

Xxx

[elf73]

@navy Sorry for the delay in replying and thank you for thinking of me.  To cut a long story short things are really awful.  We have had occasional good times where he seems to admit it all, take responsibility and apologise.  I resolve to helping him in any way I can.  Two days later were back to it all being my fault, I suck the enjoyment out of everything apparently, I am the reason he takes it, I’m patronising and judgemental and say all the things that trigger him.  Then he’s off his face again and being cocky and fake happy. Then the comedown starts and he’s sorry and he hates himself and he admits he needs help.  He can’t do it without me and he’s so lucky to have me standing by him, I’m so patient and understanding when he doesn’t deserve it.  The the cycle starts again it’s not long before I’m the worst person in the world.  I’m fat and ugly too tonight and it’s no wonder he’s so bored and needs something else apparently!

I think I’m done now.  🙁

How are you doing? X

[navy]

Hi elf73

im so sorry for the way you are being treated, why can’t they see what they are doing to themselves and how much they are hurting us. This is not your fault, you don’t go and buy it and stick it up his nose, this is his problem and he needs to get professional help he needs to stop buying it. I know he admits it to you and he sorry when he gets caught but he needs to stop.  I

Mine however is still hiding it from me and it hurts so badly, he sleeps more and eats during the night,  he has a cough and a upset stomach all the time, which I think are all side effects of using. I think if he stops these symptoms will ease and he will start to feel better.  However he doesn’t think he has a problem and doesn’t think the cause of all his issues are because of drugs.  ( I do) he has been angry with me this weekend it’s been awful, I’ve tried I really have but because I know he is lying to me i cant be loving.
I’m suffering with anxiety. Im also suffering with headaches.

i wish you all the best elf73 please look after yourself

Lots  of love Navy xx

[Lozzy80]

Elf you have just described my husband….are we married to the same person?!?!.

Thank you to you Navy and Kulstar for sharing what you are all going through I’ve been reading this thread and Kulstars story over and over again since the massive blow out 7 days ago .

My husband has been through the cycle of addition and short lived bursts  of recovery (lasting no longer than 14-21 days max) for years now … Its beyond laughable when he says this time he means it.

I feel your words Kulstar really resonated with me about hiding behind mental health and it becoming a game. On the massive comedown from last week I feel this is where my husband is at …I feel guilty …he has admitted this time he needs outside help…but I think he’s just saying it to make me stay and for financial bail out… Until today he was very apologetic, making all the right noises about getting help , spoke to his psychiatrist got CBT stuff to do, attended meetings online… But today he was cocky one minute, next minute will be mad at me because I’ve reacted the wrong way to his claims he’s gonna change… I felt all day he was goading me. It ended with me in tears and sleeping on the sofa as I can’t stand to be around him like this

Just feel awful because deep down my view is he is playing a game…he got what he wanted which was getting out of any of his financial responsibilities for this month (he’s broke and for first time in 4 yrs I’ve had to pay all the bills myself and cover his priority debts ) …and he’s got some more.time off work…. Now that’s all sorted I find it all too convenient that the humble guy yesterday is now being cocky , sarcastic and flying off the handle /gas lighting me saying my reactions are spiteful , nasty etc when I know this is far from what I am ..

 

Whole thing stinks ????

 

 

[kulstar]

Navy and Elf it sounds like you’re both in similar situations. It took my wife months to say to me that I need to leave and comeback when I’m of some use to my dear family. This was the start of a 4 day bender in a hotel on my own. Ironically this was also the end of my previous existence.

Only by my wifey pushing me out did I realise the pull of love, hugs and cuddles was greater than getting high. Initially when wifey asked me to leave I was ecstatic because it meant I could be on my own and sniff to my hearts content however reality was very different (eventually). I was left on my own drinking whiskey neat and had more bags than I knew what to do with. It was this moment I knew I was done with this chaotic lifestyle.

Moral of the story above? Consequence finally hit home. Addicts master the art of 2 things – Lying and Manipulation. It becomes a game, like a gambler who gets high off the anticipation of placing a bet and not the outcome. This is the sordid existence of an addict as we become so immune to emotion and the damage we cause to our loved ones to have our own selfish ways with the devils dandruff.

[navy]

Hi kulstar

how are you doing? How many months now have you been sober? Is it eight.
You must be so proud of yourself and so much happier with your life. The love yiu share with your children and your wife,  thank you for sharing I know the lying comes so easy to addicts and I’ve just realised the manipulation making me feel like I’m the problem,then in the next breath how much he loves me.

He is driving me mad, the past two days he’s been moody, tired, eating at night times and blaming everything on work being stressful and he has to do everything I just want to scream at him.

keep up the good work Kulstar

love Navy xx

[kulstar]

Hi Navy

Yes it’s been 8 months now (feeling grateful that you know!). I’m doing fab thank you for asking and was hoping you’d say the same. Again thank you saying I should be proud of myself. Truth is I selfishly I recovered for me and this is where I started, with myself . I had to ignore doing it for my blessed family because if this was going to be a permanent change, it had to be for me. I was sick of all of the ups and downs, the ups were artificial to ignore deeper internal pains and the lows were so bad that I had to keep on taking.

No matter what manipulation (or emotional abuse) is applied, take the emotion out of it and you’ll come to understand it’s all his doing. Blaming you or the environment he’s in will validate his usage. Easier to blame someone or something than to look within.

For those that are blessed, you get tired of looking out and start to shine a light on yourself as it comes to light you have everything (even if you don’t it’s no excuse to continue using) and the common denominator to your problems is you. This realisation is impactful because it’s the first step to recovery which is admission. This is all about only those who want to be helped can be helped.

[navy]

Hi kulstar

im so grateful to you and your insight, I’m just so scared to leave as I think this is going to kill him.  I know I have to make the move as he never going to change, no time is going to be a good time. I just need to do it.

Keep up the good work and providing the help and guidance for us who are struggling with our loved ones.
Thank you and congratulations on your 8 months recovery keep it up.  Your family must love the person you are now the fun loving dad.

love Navy xx

[elf73]

Oh Navy, I feel every word you are saying.  It is bloody awful. You need to think of yourself, you’ve done everything you can.  I too worry about how he will end up if I leave but quite frankly I have to start thinking about how I will end up if I stay. Two lives ruined.  Time to save myself and just hope it has the effect making him save himself too.  Staying certainly doesn’t seem to be working for either of us.   I’ve been blamed for everything anyway over the last few months so whatever I do is wrong.

I’m having the same old boring fake conversations tonight that he always seems to want to chat about when he’s on it.  He’s so full of shit and it’s hard work pretending to be interested in the crap he comes out with.  I can’t stand it.  It does make me laugh when he swears he hasn’t had it.  He really thinks he’s getting away with it.  I feel like filming I’m and showing him the next day and then ask if he was sober talking like that.

Take care Navy.  X

Kulstar, I echo what Navy has said, thank you for continuing to share your story and giving us an insight into what it’s like on the other side.  You are truly inspirational.  Wishing you continued health and happiness.

 

[navy]

Hi elf73

i know,  I just wish this drug never existed

I’m having a hard day today as he had an anxiety attack last night he couldn’t eat he was upset nobody understands how much pressure he is under he has to do everything!!!! all because he was on it today just to function. I’m really sorry but I’m working too up at 6 not home till 6 then got to clean up make food etc, I’m so angry today. Just needed to vent to someone so unfortunately your the ones I turn too. Thank you xx

I asked if he ok he just said trying to survive today!!! Well if he didn’t take it then he wouldn’t feel so shit!!!! I’m so angry ????

When I get home he will be telling me how unwell he is that he can’t talk now to upset!!! And I will be left again tonight on my own. I’m bitter now too, so I think it’s time to go. He has ruined all my plans I just wish he could see what this is doing  to him and how it’s driving us apart.

thank you again for letting me get this off my chest

 

Navy xx

[Lozzy80]

Hi Navy . Kulstar and elf …

 

Posted the following but in the wrong part of the thread , so sorry if this the second time reading this…

My husband has been through the cycle of addition and short lived bursts  of recovery (lasting no longer than 14-21 days max) for years now … Its beyond laughable when he says this time he means it.

I feel your words Kulstar really resonated with me about hiding behind mental health and it becoming a game. On the massive comedown from last week I feel this is where my husband is at …I feel guilty …he has admitted this time he needs outside help…but I think he’s just saying it to make me stay and for financial bail out… Until today he was very apologetic, making all the right noises about getting help , spoke to his psychiatrist got CBT stuff to do, attended meetings online… But today he was cocky one minute, next minute will be mad at me because I’ve reacted the wrong way to his claims he’s gonna change… I felt all day he was goading me. It ended with me in tears and sleeping on the sofa as I can’t stand to be around him like this

Just feel awful because deep down my view is he is playing a game…he got what he wanted which was getting out of any of his financial responsibilities for this month (he’s broke and for first time in 4 yrs I’ve had to pay all the bills myself and cover his priority debts ) …and he’s got some more.time off work…. Now that’s all sorted I find it all too convenient that the humble guy yesterday is now being cocky , sarcastic and flying off the handle /gas lighting me saying my reactions are spiteful , nasty etc when I know this is far from what I am .

 

Maybe i am wrong this time ..and I don’t doubt that in the moment he means it when he says never again .. but all I ask is for one minute he stops and has a think.about what this has been like from my perspective… Frightening when I think he could collapse or fall down the stairs at any minute …extremely worrying the debts racking up again … And frightening the dealers now coming to our front door .  Yet he thinks I am out of order for having some doubts that he will stick to being abstinent from now on ????

[navy]

Hi lozzy80

sorry not been in touch. Hope your doing ok. It’s awful what we go through for the ones we love. I just wish they could see what it does to us. It does make me feel like I think I’m going crazy one minute he says all the right things and seems fine then he gets angry for no reason. I just look at him and think why? Why are you doing this. I know that he still doing it as there’s empty packets!!!
I don’t know if he ever has tried to come off it. I’ve asked him to get help. I’m not sure where Iam now. I think I’m trying hard to keep my marriage but I don’t know for how much longer. I spend the week in work and weekends on my own

I think if they want to give this up then they should be shouting it from the roof tops how well they are doing. Not promising they will and not do it.

take care remember to look after yourself and do what’s right for you

navy xx

 

[kulstar]

Morning All

How are we all getting on? Thought I’d quickly check in.

Kulstar

[navy]

Hi kulstar

its been awful, I know I should leave and I’m not sure why I cannot, I guess I’m so scared, I’m now in counselling which did have an impact on him and I thought that it hit home to him why I’m in therapy but it was short lived, I cleaned and the following couple of days I found the white power on the floor and units!!! I’m so sad, and angry.

I came home today and he slept and slept when he woke he said to me not to be judgemental!!! He just woke up. I was dumbfounded he had been in all f***ing  day he could have least done something around the house then apparently  I’m unkind!!!! I just thought to myself this isn’t right then in the next breath after a shower things were good……..I cried and then put a brace face on as was going out.

I need to get passed Christmas for family reasons then if and (I know already he still going to be using) I need to be strong and leave. This is going to break me but I have to try.

Kulstar thank you for your understanding  and congratulations on approaching your 10 months. I’m so proud of you ???? as I know how hard you had to fight this but your family comes first now and your children must be so happy to have their dad and your wife to have a loving husband. I just wish and pray I can I have my husband back.

navy xx

[kulstar]

Hi Navy

Hope you’re keeping well. So Xmas is nearly upon us. Years gone by this was fraught with danger when time stood still and any reason for a good session. I know you’ve used Xmas as an event marker to stop you making any difficult decision so you carry on with business as usual. Xmas will soon be come and gone, guess then it’s what do you do next?

You may of course be wonderfully happy and don’t want anything to change but something tells me this isn’t case. You’re truly in control of your own destiny here and question is where do you steer the ship? Don’t be the one that gets trampled all over after reassurances are provided. The time of words is over, only actions can talk now

[navy]

Hi Kulstar

hope you are keeping well and your Christmas celebrations were a great time spent with your family. I just wanted to check in with you and congratulate you on the upcoming milestone to your 1st year. You must be so proud of yourself.

im however still with my addict husband.  It’s been awful, However Iam looking after myself and I do put myself first.

I just wanted to let you know how grateful Iam to have found you on this site and how much I appreciate your honesty, openness and helpfulness you have provided to me. I keep re-reading our conversations.

Good luck for the future Kulstar you deserve the best that life can offer you.

Keep up the good advice for those who need help along the way

take care, lots of love

Navy xxx

[kulstar]

Hi Navy

Xmas was truly blessed thank you!

Yes it is coming up to a year and as stated before as nice as it is to hear you congratulating me, I did it for me and me only. To be a man of purpose and my existence to mean something.

I could’ve guessed you’d still be with hubby judging by your posts (that’s not a criticism btw!). Head over Heart is very difficult as we’re not robots.

In terms of what life has to offer? Well you have to be in it to win it and currently I feel like I’m doing both. Let’s see where the stars align 🙂

Life’s just generally got busy however will keep checking in.

Stay blessed Navy ????????

[eddie123]

Hi there, this sounds like a very difficult situation for you and I am sorry. I know of a great charity that supports people like yourselves nationwide. The family support programme is all remote and they help many families a year. Please see link and fill in the referral and someone will endeavour to respond within 24 hours. https://adaptoxford.org.uk/the-icarus-programme/

[staciie17]

Do I just leave my cocaine addict  ?

I don’t know what to do ?
Im raising 3 children alone ,for the last 3 years I’ve been struggling with my now ex partner being a addict ? He lives at his moms house while I live in our brought home with the children , last March me and his family sent him to rehab he used on the first day out , went to meeting after but used straight away , he’s ok in the day he either sleeps or works but nights are a nightmare he’s keeping up his  mom txting me like are you in the middle of the night . He comes to the home address locks the doors and drives off , we are now financially struggling , I’m off work due to stress every time he comes I have anxiety attacks as I don’t know if he’s going to be off his head , I’m open with my children about his addiction . I’ve tried mediation I’ve tried driving him to meetings , I just want to be happy , we have a 1 1/2 year old that he never changed or spent more than 5 hours with in a week . What do I do ? Will this end ? He’s now on his 6th job

[Author]

Posts