[vomo]

It’s been about 17 years battling this beast called addiction and it feels like I am

Fighting a losing battle. Things have never been this bad. I find myself using cocaine almost every week since I got married last year. I literately spend hundreds or somethings thousands in a binge and to think this is being done weekly is killing me quicker. I have had some clean time in the past and was clean when i met my wife. I had a relapse in 2017 and I didn’t tell my wife as we were preparing for our wedding. It has since deteriorated and I have started attending CA/NA meetings but I am still struggling. The comedown after every use is tormenting and greatly affecting my mental health. My wife and i now live separate lives under one roof, addiction has isolated me and getting the best out of me, I don’t see what I make my go through when I disappear for sometimes 24-48 hours, when she tells me I am heartbroken because the whole time I go AWOL addiction makes me selfish.( I know this because of anonymous meetings I attend not because I have come to realise this for myself.- and this is my truth)

My young marriage is almost broken and I married a decent young lady who is having to deal with the worst things she couldn’t have imagined in marriage. I am trying to stop but it is a struggle, my addiction crips up on me when I least expect it and I make the Same mistake over and over again. This really is insanity. I am not sure if I am far gone. By the skin of my teeth I still hold a job and live in a descent home but the thought of losing these things that keeps me from hitting rock bottom is not enough to make me choose rightly when the urge comes. I don’t want to be a willing tool in the hands of addiction but the hold is too strong for me. I don’t want to see rock bottom either because things are bad enough already but addiction is never satisfied until it’s taken everything including a life!

I have been failing every weekend consistently for 4 weeks now and I am afraid because even with good intentions I feel like a captive to addition with my own will power.

Addiction has separated me from my Faith and it is hard to believe in a God greater than me that can help me. I battle depression and struggle with suicidal thoughts but at the same time struggle to take my own life and I sometimes pray that I sleep and not wake up again.

My family is not aware of what’s going on and my wife hasn’t told my family yet. I am not sure if it is something they will understand when they find out.

I feel I have tried everything I know how and most things I have been advised to do. I haven’t been to rehab yet because I can’t save the money to check myself in and be out of work at the same time.

I need tips on what to do please I have lost grip

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