[itgeek123]

Hi I need some advice, this is going to be a long post so hxopefully you will read.

I have known my House mate for over 2 and a half years, We meet online, and started dating, After a 3-4 Dates, she told me that she liked me a lot but was struggling With everything and asked if we could take things Slowly, we did, over the next six months I got to know a very wonderful Girl who was kind and caring.

During this time i was seeing another girl which i told her about and she said she was fine with it as we weren’t seeing each other and was just friends

Then just before Christmas 2017 i got a serious of text messages, and phone calls around 2AM, some of the text messages were pictures of her cuts, i called her and we spoke for over an hour and it seem to calm her down

Later that day I pop round with some shopping as her car was off the road and she mad me a cup of tea and we had a nice chat.

Over the next few weeks this is what would happen, i would pop round with some food and we would just talk she would make me a cup of tea

Then she told me that her son had been taken off her and that she had lost her job, and was about to lose her house, she told me that she had been diagnosed with Anxiety, Depression and with bouts of psychosis

I didn’t know what to say tbh but offer to help where i can

we spend the next 2 months slowly moving her stuff out her house to another friends House

When she had to be out of her house I Offered her my sisters old room, but she declined

We eventually took her to the Housing office where they found her a hostile

Whilst at the Hostile, I would still see her once a week, Even got her to clean my mum and dads house so she could have some money.

She sorted her self out with a car, she told me it was from a friend of a friend who owns 6-7 Houses and she would clean them once a month. More on this later.

After a 4 month she got kicked out as the housing office spelt her name wrong, they gave her emergency Housing but after 5 days she got kicked out again as she didn’t show up

2 days later I found her sleeping in her care without taking any of her Tablets, I took her home, made sure she had food, Bath, Tablets and a good night sleep

She has been living with me ever since

Every 4-6 weeks she well self Destructs and either disappears into her room for a few days, or the house, she send nasty messages to her family, and would Push me Constantly Away.

At Christmas her son made her a Really nice christmas card that said for next christmas he wanted mummy to get better, this made us both cry.

She got her self a job from January to May and seemed to get a bit better, still had a Self Destructive every month or so, I think i found the pattern, her car well is owned by someone who she would see a few times a month and have Sex, Drink and I’m Pretty sure do Other Drugs (Cociane) with him. It’s not Escorting as such just a Sugar Daddy arrangement. She could use the car and get Cash per Meet in return for Sex.

I’m not judging her as I would Sell it if I could.

We also got a lot closer to each over, and to me it is a relationship and i have told her i Love her and want something more and happy to wait until she gets more stable.

then in June she Disappeared for 2 days, i got bombarded with text’s and pictures of her cuts, and i had to pick up her up from over 50 miles away

I have been taking care of her tablets and booking her doctor’s appointment

Crisis team have been no help and refuse to see her

Her drinking and smoking weed is out of control

i try and manage it and we have gone to the (edit) Office to get her register

when she previous booked appoints to get a Formal Diagnose she is too scared to go.

we talk all the time, and what i have noticed is

Self Harm

Not eating

Hardly Sleeping

Sleeping all day

Manic Episodes

in July she decided to go for a swim one night, well that’s what she told me I have recently found out that she was on an arrangement doing F know and Cociane, not an issue for me its just every time she does it she self harms herself and lied to me.

Drinking

Weed

Self Medicating (Drink, Drugs)

Her Visits with her son are currently once a month and are being reviewed in October and she has it in her head they are stopping which they are not

Just asking for some advice

She has had a test for Bioplor but i know that their are multiple types and if she went on a good day they might not have picked it up or this may be a BPD

Next week she meets her Case worker with Swansell, I Would like to know if we can get her Clean, Tests, aa Meetings, etc for 3-6 months will she be able to get more contact with her son, I will need to ask her sister if this is ok but just wondering

Thanks

[itgeek123]

Also i am Going to Al-anon Meetings, which are helping

I have also been advice to give her an ultimatum, on an other Forum Site, but not sure what to say and even do.

Ive been adviced that i should ask her how she feels about me when she’s sober as when she has had a few drinks, 1-2 bottles of Wine she tells me she loves me

I honestly believe she loves me and wants to be with me, but when she has a bad day she pushes me away and tells me she doesnt love me

i don’t know if she is taken me for ride or what

[retroheadz]

Hi itgeek,

Sad, unfortunately your not an expert at helping her and her mental health is in a horrible place! Ultimately she needs residential rehab and serious therapy to help her. I’m afraid you can never really help her because she is too familiar with your tactics! Sometimes we as people try our best to help someone but all we can do is try, if that person is so mentally deep in depression then the only way out is professional intervention. Sometimes your help may make it worse believe it or not and unless she escapes this destructive lifestyle and gets admitted then it will be a long road for everyone. I can’t advise you on what to do but please try your best to maintain your own sanity and only do what you can do. She can never love you because her mind needs help. I feel for you my friend, I really do.

[itgeek123]

Thanks, I am trying it keep my own sanity, just wondering what u mean by she is too Familar with my own tactics?

And what do U mean residential rehab is this something swansell can do? Or mental health team?

I’m not buys by her wine or weed or giving her any money anymore and expected her to tell me that she will have to see someone else

I’m thinking g of saying something like ok if I do don’t bother combing back home and don’t be their when I get home either u have a choice now either u get your act together or get out the sooner the better.

My mum is her land lady and did say she is welcome to stay as long as she wants as long as she wants to get better And i do believe she does.

Your right about the depression, the drink and drugs are so she can forget how she’s is feeling Instead if facing her problems head on

My main issue is that I have a very strong sense of honour and care for her a lot but need to let her know I have had enough of the lies and self destructive behaviour

[itgeek123]

Not sure if I should wait u til after she has seen swansell next week tho

[retroheadz]

Hi itgeek,

Sorry for the late reply. What I mean by too familiar is that she is now so familiar with the way you are, how you react, what you may do and so on. Nothing you can probably say to her will jump start her into action and so her only option is to try and eliminate her addictions and stabilise her mental health issues.

As far as residential treatment I can really say who could provide it but I would absolutely insist that her mental health team prioritise her addictions.

I do hope you can help her because she sounds like a good friend.

Please let me know how you get on and good luck.

[itgeek123]

Thanks, That’s Ok, yeah she is a really good friend she was their for me when my dad died, and i had no one to talk to during a difficult time, i Cared for a lot before then as well, and i do really care about her a lot Still

I agree we need to get professional help, Which is what we have been trying to do with Crisis and the mental health teams, So hopefully after next week we will hear something new.

I also Feel she needs to cut everyone , Drug Dealers, Friends from that Life, and stop the “arranagements”

yeah i know that she is too Familiar with me and how i will react, she would start by asking for a favour, then saying DW, then telling me she has an arrangement and will i be ok with it, Saying to me if i send some money over she won’t do it.

at least once i called her bluff

once i gave in

and twice she did the arrangement anyway, after i sent money over to her

one she flat out lied about, i knew it when she was lying to me even told her i didnt blame her as she needs money she might as well be paid twice,

and once was in my house – I found out about this after “snopping on her phone” which is my understanding is quite common, even better he was in my house for at least 5 hours alone, With Cocaine in my house and she flat out denies using it, but it quiet apparent from her messages to him and friends that she does.

both of these was with the guy who sorted out her car, which he said he would again but has F Off out of the Country

What i don’t know with all the drugs and everything does she just block these out and has know idea or is she just plain Lying to me?

I thing its the former as she appears to be taken pictures all the time of the guy in my house, cocaine and screen shots of messages and she does Coke and other drugs to forget?

I have been going to Al-anon and will be going to more meetings, in the future. so this will be helping me cope.

[retroheadz]

You really are an amazing friend! I fear most people would have given up on her.

I’m sure you know this but due to her condition, addictions and mental health she is using you for everything she can get. She will never stop doing this because it gets her what she needs to satisfy her. I’m absolutely sure she loves you but You sound like your stepping back on enabling her and that’s the way forward. Just keep giving her support but nothing else and hopefully she will be able to get the help she needs. Street Drugs and alcohol are horrible!! and mixed with mental health it became destructive to everyone around us.

I hope you can find what you are looking for and peace be with you my friend.

[itgeek123]

Thanks, she has had a couple of good days, Wednesday she spent most of the day with my mum and it sounded like she enjoyed herself, and Thursday she had a job interview and starts training next Thursday

But she still wanted 2 bottled of wine Wednesday and Thursday she had 4 bottles after the interview I did by them for her, which I feel bad about but at least it wasnt anything else and kept her out of trouble.

I’m hoping I’m strong enough not to give up on her but their are times I want to explode at her about all the lies.

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