[bev123]

Hi I have recently joined as my 24year old son has an addiction to cocaine and weed, I am so worried about him and I know I enable him by giving him money as he is very manipulative ,he gets very angry if I say no and tells me.it’s all my fault he’s like this and I cave in as I cannot handle the stress when I have to go to work and I can’t talk to anyone about it as I feel ashamed. My son says he takes drugs as he has mental health problems he cannot deal with but we have been to the doctors lots of times over the past five years and they all say they cannot deal with his mental health while he is on drugs . I’m at the end of my tether as I am having financial difficulties due to him takin money . I know I’m weak but don’t know.how.to get stronger

[danman83]

Hiya bev im going through a process of quitting coke. Im 6 week clean today.

The drugs will be causing the mental problems if u ask me. Coke makes you depressed and suicidal.

Unless theres something there before he did drugs? Otherwise drugs will make him a lot worse.

And bev he keeps saying its your fault.. ask him.. well lets sit down and try and sort it and talk.. if he says money will.. tell him piss off! Am sorry but your health is more important!

Is it just you 2 in your house? Does he work? Does he want to quit?

[bev123]

Hi , hes been in and out of work he finds it hard to keep a job cos of his anxiety and paranoia that people are talkin about him.his dad lives with us but they dnt really get on as my son likes to say hes been a rubbish father etc which isnt altogether true.He wnt take any responsibility for his actions and i just feel guilty all the time because of how his life has turned out, he rarely leaves the house and says he has no feelings for anything or anybody and wishes he was dead. He is only nice when he is getting what he wants

[hox]

Hi Bev.

Can I ask you, hopefully without offending why you feel guilty for how your sons life has turned out?

I have a husband who does cocaine.

[bev123]

Can i ask how you cope with your situation

[hox]

I don’t cope very well I’m afraid.

Fourteen years happily married. Then nothing, the cocaine has taken over my life. I have no happiness anymore, just an uncaring husband that has no feelings for anyone or anything. I have come to terms with the fact that it is his choice to sniff it.

[bev123]

Im also worried in case he hurts himself if hes got no money to buy the drugs

[bev123]

Hi i suppose i feel guilty because i should have been tougher when i knew he was smoking weed and had firmer boundries, and he tells me i was too soft with him

[hox]

I understand now.

A form of manipulation, your fault because you were too soft. So he decided to smoke weed and snort coke. This does mess with your mind and in some cases you have no feelings for anyone or anything anymore. I am witness to this in my household.

To get money to fund his lifestyle he manipulates you into giving him money. That in turn has now given him mental health problems so in his manipulative mind its your fault that you were soft, your fault that you gave him money and your fault he has mental health problems. The docs can’t help, so you have to pay for his ‘medication’. Sorry for this, my previous relationship before my husband was with someone that was a master of manipulation that drove me mad and made me paranoid for years. I do empathise with your situation.

[bev123]

I cant see my life getting any easier, i havent got the strength to have confrontation every day..and i dnt think he wants to stop

[hox]

I’m afraid it won’t get any easier until he wants to stop.

You do need to look after yourself though. It’s hard when all we think of is them. Problem is they are not bothered about us only the cocaine.

[lou1321]

Hi Bev123 and Hox

Don’t feel alone or guilty. My ex husband is a gambling addict and so I left him 5 years ago, we had been together for nearly 30 years. The lies, control, manipulation and turning it all round to be my fault took it’s toll and I left him. I wanted our 4 children to grow up in a more stable environment and not have the fear of having to move house again to pay off more debts. Their father is still in the lives of the children and he does love them but he is still gambling and 2 years ago declared himself bankrupt. I literally woke up one day and thought I can no longer live like this. I don’t regret that decision for one minute.

Nine years ago my son (who is now 24) started dabbling in drugs, by the age of 19 he was addicted to cocaine, weed and pills. He lost his job, his GF, his friends, he was having seizures and was so painfully thin, he was out of control, he was angry, sad, depressed, euphoric… I never knew which one he would be or if he would live another day. When he was 21 he went into rehab for a month followed by 5 months living in Spain with a very dear friend of mine… I was so happy for him, I had my son back. He moved back to the UK and started working again, he regained his driving license and I was so proud of him…but the lure was too much, things started going missing again, and so it began, he has never been how he was before rehab but I think he is better at disguising it. He stole from me a week ago but says it wasn’t him, I know it was. He rang me this morning and told me he is going back to his CA meetings, that he is feeling much better and enjoying some parts of his days again… he is trying to make me believe he is clean and honestly I don’t know.

I do know the turmoil and the day to day never knowing of what is going to happen to day world that you both live in. BUT addiction is not your fault! Our loved ones have at some point chosen to use or chosen to drink or chosen to gamble, unfortunately our loved ones have addictive personalities and they have been consumed in it. BUT nothing we have done has made them that way.

The only advice I can give is DO NOT ENABLE ! they will never hit rock bottom until they have nothing, I know that it is very scary and goes against everything in a your body to not nurture, care and love for your loved ones but you are effectively buying them drugs… I had it spelt out to me after years of enabling both my son and ex.

Take car both of you and look after yourselves xx

[icarus-trust]

Hi Bev,

I’m so sorry to read your post about your son’s drug taking and how he makes you feel guilty. It’s very hard to feel strong in this situation and not surprising that you feel at the end of your tether.

The guys on here are really great and very supportive of each other, but if you would like some other help please contact us at The Icarus Trust. We are a charity that tries to support people who are living with the impact of a family member or friend’s addiction.

We know how hard it is, but if you contact us you could be put in touch with one of our team of very experienced and trained people who would listen to you. They might be able to offer advice and let you know what other support is available , as well as being a listening ear.

You can contact us on help@icarustrust.org or visit the website http://www.icarustrust.org

All the best to you.

[Author]

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