[mel86]

Hi, I haven’t ever used a forum or anything like this but I’m at the end of my tether seeing what my brother is doing to himself, and to my dad.

I’ve always been mega close to my bro, in-fact we were super close from our teens all the way up to our mid 20’s. We started partying together and he was my partner in crime and best friend during our younger years and we had amazing times and spent almost all our time together. My small family (just my dad, who is amazing, and much older sister) were very straight and had no idea of our party days, however we were a really close family otherwise, although oldskool in terms of not really talking about feelings or delving into each others private lives, but we all got on.

I know my brother always liked a bit of coke throughout the years but when our close friends from the years gradually drifted away and the party days stopped, me and my mates moved on from it too. At that point the coke thing seemed to explode where we were living and became very normal in just the local pubs and among all the lads having a few pints. I know my bro always had a taste for it and would buy it often and liked his pub time, but was very normal in those circles where he’d graft on sites during the week, couple of pints in the local after work (every night) and blowout at the weekend.

I moved away with a boyfriend and would come back to visit my dad and bro for the odd weekends and remember being shocked how much coke was about when i came back and thats what the weekends and our time together would revolve around with seeing my bro, but it was all a bit too much for me and i didn’t enjoy anymore. When I moved back after my relationship ended I remember my bro would still go to the pub after work , intending for a couple of pints but would regularly end up drinking til last orders, leaving his work van at the pub at night and have to fetch it in the morning feeling rough as. My brother started looking rough as during those times too, i think most of the time was spent either feeling hungover or pissed, and was pretty much living on takeaways. He’d always have some coke on him at the pub.

Fast forward 10 years and my brother is a shell of the person he was back in the day. He puts on his happy-go-lucky front to everyone else but he’s unbelievably selfish, cold, does anything to avoid having to see or speak to me and my dad (has completely fallen out with my older sister) and old friends and I just know hes deeply deeply unhappy. He’s known as being totally unreliable, promising to do jobs for people and help people out and then he wont answer the phone. I know he has the best intentions at the time.

He gave up his steady job, split up with his mrs at the time and ended up getting jobs working away for periods of time (running away) but actually ended up getting some amazing jobs where he worked away in an amazing exotic location on a base, first for 6months and then a year and a half and I was hoping these periods would sort him out. However each time he would come back even worse and go on mega coke binges with the huge amounts of money he earned and saved whilst he was away working (only i know this).

My dads been seriously ill over the past few years and I moved back home to help him. My brother was working away at times during this (I know he chose that to get away so he didn’t have to deal with it). But in-between we were both living back home in an adjoining annex to my dad with the idea we could keep an eye on him. When he was back I initially was pleased that he could keep an eye on dad, and I could get away and persue my own things, but I found out from my dad he wouldn’t see him once. He would stay in his bedroom, the place was an absolute shithole if i was away, there were bottles and beer cans everywhere and rolled up notes. Living pretty much next door to my dad he wouldnt even pop for a cup of tea and do everything to avoid me at the time. After my dad was on better form, I moved out but would come back and visit and stay in the annex (where my brother was based) and the state of it was unbelievable, with bags of rotting rubbish he hadnt taken out and rotting food and shit everywhere. This became his normal way to live over the years, just letting everything get on top of him and I know he just lays in bed and binges and only gets up to get another drink or get the odd takeaway at the door. Until he goes away with some work…’with the lads’ where he puts on this front where he’s the joking, happy go lucky lad. And hes actually an amazing grafter during those times and put that front on so well to everyone else.

I recently moved away and came back for some work up here and my brother’s recently finished and returned from a stint of work away. My dad says he hasn;t seen him once (we dont know how many christmas’s my dad has left). He hasn’t left the house for over a week, the fridge is only stocked with tonic to go with his gin or beers and I bumped into his old best mate who hes completely sacked off, he told me he knows he’s back in town only because their other mate (coke dealer) had seen him when my bro popped in to get a big bag of coke from him.. Only i know hes locked himself away and is just snorting coke.

Both me and my dad have left him to do as he pleases in the annex, and im so angry at myself that ive just let him carry on like this and somehow had some sort of loyalty to my brother by protecting him from anyone (especially our family) finding out hes addicted to coke and the way he truely lives. I’m so grateful if i get to spend 15 min chatting with my bro as if things are normal, even though i know its a chore for my brother but i’m so desperate to not rock the boat. I desperately don’t want my dad to know about the coke, he will be devastated as he doesn;t understand that world at all, and I also think I’ve probably been in denial myself to the extent of it. Because i could see how deeply unhappy he was and the way he was living I would always clean up his, mess and try and cook for him so I know hes not just eating shit, and as much as his coldness and rejection hurt me I have always been nice to him and sucked up to him as i’ve been so desperate for some affection off him. No matter how selfish and awful hes been. I know deep down my brother isn’t a bad person. But the way he’s still treating my dad and me is just disgusting now. It gets me down so much. I know my dad doesn;t understand why his own son wont sit with him for 5 minutes even for a cup of tea, but the few times he see’s him, of course he can see the change in him and the other night was the first time I’ve ever seen my dad cry when we ended up talking about it for the first time as he knows somethings seriously wrong with my brother but just doesn’t understand what (yet i STILL protected my brother!) My dad’s given him everything as well, and my bro’s been able to take the piss with my dad and with everything which I know is part of the problem. I know my dad doesn’t have the energy for it all, but also has never wanted to challenge it or rock the boat either I think.

I’m used to the coldness and rejection now and know I don’t have the brother I once had, but I desperately want him to spend time with my dad whilst he still has the chance else I dread to think what the guilt will do to my bro if my dad passes away before he has the chance to speak to my dad and act like a son. Over the years I have snapped and lost it at my bro and told him how much of a selfish **** he is. It pushes us further apart but then when I come back, like this time we will have a brief civil conversation like nothing happened and then he’ll disappear to his room and that’s it again. And I stupidly will do anyhting just for that bit of conversation with my brother.

How do I help someone so deeply unhappy, choosing coke and drinking alone over their own family? How did you get through to yours? Is there any chance of getting my brother back or is it time to say goodbye to my brother?

Sorry it’s so long, this is the first time I have got this off my chest in it’s true extent.

Mel x

[debc]

Hi Mel86,

Welcome to the Forum, I bet you feel better for getting that off your chest.

I am the Mum of an addict, alcohol and cocaine, my son is doing ok at the moment, but I lived with the problem for 10 plus years before he decided he needed help, and they have to be the ones who decide if they want help.

My Son has been in rehab twice, but it costs an awful lot of money. They were brilliant at the place where he went, all recovering addicts themselves, but such lovely, warm people.

Your Brother sounds as if he has a good job with very good money, so this of course funds his habit, it’s an expensive hobby, and an evil drug.

It’s very sad that he doesn’t spend time with your Dad, but I should imagine that’s his guilt. My Son doesn’t have a very good relationship with his own Dad, but like I tell him, you only have one Dad and when they are gone you will then realise.

Do you think your Brother wants help, does he think he has a problem?

The Icarus Trust would be a good place to get in touch with, you can talk to people who know exactly what you are going through.

Keep in touch on here, take care of yourself first.

Dx

[mel86]

Thanks so so much for replying D, I really appreciate it, I didn’t realise quite how long I had rambled! I think my brother firmly has his head in the sand, but how he has no idea how messed up his behavior is I don’t know. I have told him straight that he has a problem with coke when I’ve snapped a few times more recently, and he must surely know his behavior is far from normal and the amount of money he must have put up his nose is insane. I just hope he realises how selfish he is nowadays and how much that hurts, if he thinks his behavior is even slightly normal then I think that would be the most worrying thing of all.

I just hope that he doesn’t have to hit rock bottom and lose everything before he is pushed to seek or accept help, but it’s what many people tell me 🙁 Just so frustrating not knowing how to get through.

Thanks again for taking the time to reply, I’m glad you son is doing OK at the min and I hope he continues to do so. He sounds lucky to have you 🙂

All the best,

Mel x

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