[kel123]

Hi all, I’ve never done anything like this before so please excuse me if my thread is longwinded – I will try and just get the basics out!

So I have been with my Fiance for nearly 11 years now and we have a 3 1/2 year old boy. My partner has an addictive personality and is all or nothing in everything he does and unfortunately that includes drinking and taking cocaine. When we first met, I admit I was a bit of a party girl with him; it was occasional use and we had no responsibilities even though his use was a lot more than mine even back then and caused rows. We planned our Son and he promised he would change and would give up the drugs and excessive drinking. I gave it all up completely because it was time to grow up and he was good for a while but slowly it crept back into our relationship but now it was even worse as because we had the baby and he was hiding it. He suffers from anxiety (GAD) so obviously the drink/drugs does not help at all. He rarely get abusive or nasty with it but it still has a massive impact on our lives. It’s probably easier if I describe the phases we go through (I’m sure some people on here can relate).

PHASE 1: F8ck up. He’ll either secretly do drugs in the house, stay up all night drinking and continue to secretly drink all weekend. He’s even been known to be drunk while looking after our Son and I’m out food shopping on a Sunday afternoon 🙁 During this phase he’s forgetful, argumentative, embarrassing if we have company or have to go somewhere, swears he hasn’t been drinking which makes me feel like I’m going mad, accuses me of being such an angry person and just deflection in general

PHASE 2: Damage limitation. Turns into the perfect partner and is so sorry for how he was/what he done, can’t do enough for me which just irritates as it’s not real

PHASE 3: Doesn’t drink or take drugs but not as nice as yesterday but nicer than he will be tomorrow. And the next few days he slowly gets worse being selfish, thoughtless, arrogant until he needs a hit and phase 1 starts again. (are these traits of an addict or is this actually him? I ask myself this a lot and can never answer it because he’s not “normal” for long enough.)

I feel I get my “normal” partner for about 2-3 days every fortnight and my patience/support is running out to be honest. When I look back at the things he’s said/done I can’t believe I am still with him. To name a few, I’ve found an empty wrap on the living room floor when my Son was at the age of putting everything in his mouth, I’ve found the blade of a Stanley knife just under the bed where my Son could have found it, when my Son was about 2 months old I had him feeding one side and my partner the other crying his eyes out after doing too much gear he had a panic attack!

When it comes to life growing up he didn’t have it bad really. Ok his parents divorced and he was bullied at school which is a terrible thing to go through don’t get me wrong, but at 42 years old I’m not buying that as the reason anymore! I was sexually abused for 5 years when I was 7 and I’ve been able to become a stable, strong person. I know everyone is different but I find it really hard to be supportive and understanding and sometimes I just want to scream “WHAT ABOUT ME!! I NEED SOMEONE TO BE STRONG FOR ME FOR ONCE! JUST GROW UP” We went coupling counselling about his problem and as you all probably know, addicts are extremely manipulative. I could see a mile off he was playing the Counsellor. At the end of the last session I asked what happens now and the Counsellor said it’s up to Dave if he feels he needs more help but wanted me to carry on seeing him regarding my “anger issues due to the sexual abuse”. Now I’ve had 3 lots of counselling in my life and I am truly at peace with what happened and Jay was there throughout it all so he knows how hard I worked to get through it and no way did I want to open up those old wounds. Dave sat there and to deflect from his addiction, he told the counsellor it was a great idea due to the anger I bring to the relationship! I actually don’t think I can ever forgive him for that and to this day he swears he wasn’t deflecting. The only person I’m ever angry with is Dave and reading the above do you blame me? He’s brought this poison into our family and now I have the responsibility of making sure I make the best decisions for my boy. I’m not taking away it away from Dave that he is a great Dad that adores our boy, but with this illness he makes stupid decisions such us drinking while looking after him, becomes forgetful like leaving blades/wraps around. I’m so worried that every time I forgive him and try and support him he’ll lie again which obviously effects the trust in a relationship and most importantly what effects all this will have on our Son. What if I’m out one day, he’s drunk and our Son needs to go hospital? I’m scared he’ll get in the car and drive because he’s always in denial how drunk he actually is, or he turns up to the hospital stinking of booze and our Son gets taken away from us?? He says he really wants to change and we are the most important thing in his life but he says there’s something in him that always wants more. Obviously that really hurts because it’s like we’re not enough for him and when I get offended it starts an argument because I don’t understand. Damn right I don’t!

To top it off I’ve had to declare bankruptcy because I have loans/credit cards for us both but in my name, he’s got himself into so much debt with pay day loans due to the habit that I’ve had no choice. I get angry and upset because he acts like I should be happy the debts gone rather than being sorry I’ve had to do it in the first place. It has kind of been a blessing and a curse at the same time because a few months ago I was trapped and wouldn’t have been able to afford our house/car etc without his contribution but now, with the Bankruptcy, I will be able to live without him. I think this is why I’m struggling more now than ever. Now, there is not other reason to be with him other than I want to be with him; there are no excuses to hide behind. I think before it was easy to fool myself saying he’s done this and it’s so bad but I’ve got no choice but to put up with it. Now I don’t. Now I have a choice. I have the choice to break up this family and it’s a choice I never, ever wanted. I do love him when he’s the man I fell in love with, but it’s so few and far between that I think is it worth it? What do I get from this other than what feels like another child to look after?? Will he ever change or will I be on this rollercoaster for another 11 years?? Then I think well 98% of the time he’s a great Dad so would that be selfish of me? Is this time the time he will succeed and let us have the life and family I crave?

I’m so sorry for the long post but as much as I have friends I can talk to about this, I’m the “strong” one in a our group who always gives the advice so I don’t tell them half of it because I feel like a fraud. Anyone else in this same ground hog day, confusing, frustrating and complicated situation?? xx

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