[helpmeplease2020]

hi all, I really did not think I be on this forum but I need advice as im not fully aware of what I’m getting into. I been with someone who has an coke addiction over a number of years which I found out recently, dealers are contacting him and he says he will change which is another tissues. The other problem is I think he done alot of damage to himself through the abuse of cocaine over the past decade, will this affect my chances of having kids with him as I got a bad feeling he done alot of damage to his organs and is impotent. He has hinted but not been direct that he lucky to have kids with me. He sexual needs towards me have shifted dramatically and I’m not sure if that’s because he no longer able to do anything? I’m concerned because at this stage i haven’t had sex with him ever though we did have foreplay many years ago. I think something has gone horribly wrong because he ready to settle down with me to ‘have kids’ but he not really making the move and puts this down to traditional values, im worried i will marry someone that is fully aware of his health issues but tricks me into staying with him for the sake of saving face to his family. If anyone can shed any light on this it will be helpful.

[kel1]

I think you should be concerned that you are thinking of settling down with someone who is clearly addicted to drugs. Do you know much about cocaine addiction? I suggest you go read some of these threads and how damaging this drug is to families – bringing children into hell (because that’s what it is) is not cool!!

The impotence could definitely be down to long term usage of this drug!

Probably be best to do some independent research and find out for yourself the affects.

Cocaine addiction is awful and dangerous so id say be careful with what path you wanna go down here.

[helpmeplease2020]

Hi Kel, thank you for replying back. the thought of him dying kills me and if he willing to change i will give him that chance but there no guarantee that when we get married that he will sustain his promise. i cant trust addicts but there’s something more deeper to him again probably the worst choice to make to believe him but im giving him a chance – one chance then im gone. You right and I have been doing a lot of research on how this addiction takes over its been eye opening seeing him change and what happens to a person over time. i have given him a chance to show me he will change and maybe if he chooses to (which he has) then it will always be a slippery slope because of the fear of relapse so on. Relationships with people who have done this particular drug are 10 times harder to sustain than a normal healthy relationship. i live in a location where drugs have been easily available to me at a finger tip thankfully i never touched it and certainty would want to protect my kids from this. i asked myself if he did relapse what would i do? i.e if i was pregnant or had a kid with him. I would have to leave him probably not the easiest decision to make and certainly not easy to a kid to explain why we don’t see the father so on. its not easy and the thought of it does crawl my skin. maybe because im so open minded about it i wouldn’t be scared to take on a fathers responsibility if he let us down as a family and maybe when my kids are at a good age to understand i will explain to them i gave him a chance he messed up but i never because they are my priority not a drug.

Now if we cant have kids, im happy to adopt if he isn’t then i guess i will have to divorce him because i need to move on with my life at that point.

all sound easy as i type the above but i know its going to be a rollercoaster and if i can give him that one chance with all the risks attached above and he messes up then i know i will be straight out that door and wont turn back. this is my last chance to him.

so if he cant work on beating this addiction which is hard i know but im willing to give him that with all the risks to my love life/kids with all the problems above mentioned then he would make a bad choice of choosing drugs over his own future but its an addiction and i wouldn’t hate him just he made his bed with getting high in life at an expense of a family which im willing to give him so i will move on knowing i did all i could.

horrible reality is he doesn’t probably understand this till its too late sadly this is what addiction does. i just got to explain to myself after this one occasion im not going back to him. i posted on here because this is my last resort as i had enough of it all and i know the relationship i have is on the verge of ending at some point unless he can stop it which we both know is not easy.

[kel1]

What’s he doing so far in terms of recovery and change? Is he engaged in a drugs service? Does he attend CA or any other kind of support services?

It’s brave of you to give him a chance, however in the end you end up giving more and more and more of yourself until you lose yourself.

If he wants to change then it has to be for himself and not for anyone or anything else, because although external things are a motivator it’s not the best. Internal motivation is when change occurs. How would you know he isn’t using? I suspect patterns and behaviours.

The lies, abuse, cheating, Betrayals, financial loss and so on and so fourth. That’s the reality and do not be fooled otherwise! That drug is dark and changes them into monsters.

I hope things work out well for you I do and take it from someone who’s been thru hell (with kids) this is not a rollercoaster that will be easy at all – in fact it destroys people.

So if that’s what you need and want then best of luck.

[helpmeplease2020]

I actually agree with everything you said, I know this is not going to go the way i want it deep down. this life with him isn’t worth it he messed up and im not going to let him bring me down with him – more I think about it more I realise he just manipulated me into thinking that I can fix him when I know I cant. he just want to save face to his family thats all it is. once im gone then what else has he got to show for he lost everything and its up to him to pick the pieces up not use me. he decided to use drugs alone or with his mates now he can come back alone or with the help of his ‘mates’ which we know will not work because that circle just wants one thing, get high on coke. so its not my problem. harsh but yeah I will not invest my future in him just play along because even I know its a matter of weeks if not days till he will mess up as he isn’t getting professional help which I been saying to him to get.

[kel1]

I do understand. I’ve been there. I’ve wanted change so much and I for a long time enabled my ex partner. It’s so so sad and when I think back I feel sick and the pain comes back. I’m still not over all the crap I went through and I’ll probably be a little more less of a person I was before it all.

I was strong just like you and said all these things, but in the end I broke down.

It pains me to hear all this and how many people get destroyed by this devil drug. You’re right tho he does need to get professional help, he definitely will struggle to do it himself, that’s even if he wants too. Remember, they say they want to change, but it’s all in the action! Addicts lie and manipulate and in the end you’ll second guess your own mind.

Oh the blame, lies and mood swings are awful!

I hope you talk things over with family and friends to gain some perspective, as sometimes we get lost in our own.

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