[chelsie]

Help ! Need advice . My RAH has been sober for 5 months what he did in his addiction which spanned across 18 months was horrifying – verbal and mental abuse stalking paranoia and a list of disgraceful behaviours which ripped our family apart affecting our combined teenage children , humiliated us in our home area and destroyed our financial standing and affected my career – I kicked him out after he threatened suicide in front of us and lied about his addiction to cocaine .

He has been attempting to ‘ repair ‘ all the damage he has done ( his words ) – doing jobs around the house , helping out has gone some way to address the financial trauma he caused . To date I’ve allowed him to the house to have family meals – he asked for the same this weekend which I said yes to he then asked to have dinner alone with me on the day before – immediately I went back into my fear and trauma reactions ( a lot of his verbal abuse used to happen when we were alone in the house ) . We only communicate on email and I just gave it to him both barrels in several messages listing out everything he did all the pain he caused I told him no to the meal with me and now no to the family meal too etc etc etc he has not messaged since . This was several days ago .

He has started his amends process and I know is trying really hard . I now feel bad even though everything I said to him was true . Should I apologise for my reaction ? I’m so worried if I apologise he will manipulate this …. he says he is ‘ recovered ‘ but I still have the image of the cocaine fuelled monster in my mind 🙁

[lou1321]

Hey Chelsie

I’m not sure what your answer is but do not feel guilty about your email. Having a loved one as an addict is truly horrible and what you told him was the truth about how you feel and what you went through. While my son was in rehab, we had a family therapy day, part of the process was to tell your loved one how you felt when they were so crazy/angry/abusive/manipulative towards you but follow it up with the positivity and why you love them. It is the addiction that is horrible not the person.

You must do what is right for you, but don’t feel guilty for letting him know what his addiction has put you through, he will probably feel shame and self loathing but hopefully he can continue his path of recovery. It is an emotional roller coaster for everyone. I talk through personal experience but you must do what you feel is right for you.

[bt1978]

Hi chelsie. Is he working a 12 step programme?

[chelsie]

Hi thanks so much for the replies – yes he is on the 12 step programme he is getting close to the amends process and has started some initial statements to people . He says he knows what he did in addiction was disgusting and he has said that none of it was my fault ( he blamed me continually in addiction and was emotionally and mentally abusive very often psychotic and paranoid also ……..it was a living hell ) . I don’t know where the man I married is or who he even was now

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