[rubyjune]

The situation you describe for you and your daughter sounds very difficult.

My own situation is that I don’t have children to worry about whether they are immediately safe and what impact their fathers behaviour is having one them. This will be for you the most important factor for you to evaluate.

A regular theme appears to be that those of us living with addicts don’t want to leave for all sorts of reasons. I think for an adult living with an addict is damaging but there can be reasons why staying is overall the better option. What you describe does sound very worrying, particularly the way he blames you.

The advice I would give (as does everyone else) is the need to look after yourself and your daughter. That may include staying or leaving. However your daughters welfare must take priority over him. So what if he has to go to his mum etc, he is an adult and can make choices and changes if he is really motivated.

There is no winning. The addict will find all the excuses in the world and look to shift responsibility wherever.

I’m struggling to decide if I can remain with my husband of 30 years. It’s a case of weighing up the pro’s and cons. In the meantime I’m going to attend a local group for family with addicts and do more activities on my own. He is not going to change so I will have to ( or become ill with stress) if I stay long term.

I think you would be very well advised to get some support from an addiction service who will be able to provide you support while you make decisions for you and your daughter.

[tw82]

I’ve look at support groups but unfortunately to nearest on is about 40 mins away and the time is just before my daughter finishes nursery so I cant make it, i have emailed to see if theres any other support out there for us, he blames everyone else for all his problems he says all of his friends have disappeared and he doesnt know why, it’s because they’ve all settled and no longer spend all there free time drinking which he finds boring so they no longer invite him his family wont come to ours because of his drinking but he says they’re just to lazy to make the effort it’s at the point that I want out but I’m scared of what he’ll do to himself if I leave him because I couldn’t live with that guilt

[huddle]

Oh how I feel your pain but as much as you may not want to hear it I think you should leave for the sake of your own sanity and your beautiful daughter. Poor little thing. She must be so confused at the way her daddy acts. From what you have told everyone here there is so much suffering under your roof and so much pain. Sounds like your partner is really in denial and is blaming you for his alcoholism. Only he can break the cycle. As others have said so what if he has to go to his Mums. No one would blame you for trying, if only for a while, to regain your strength & care for yourself and your little girl. I know it won’t be easy but a break is what you need and who knows maybe losing his home “safety net” may be the jolt your partner needs to face up to his drinking problem which, judging from his “consumption list” is excessive and must be causing harm to his health and not least to the family finances.

I would suggest you talk to your family, a good friend, to us on this forum to get the support you need at this incredibly difficult time. You must take some action for the sake of you and your daughter. He is making his own decisions to carry on drinking. It is not your fault although he persists in shifting the blame to you. Please read and soak up all the love and advice from this forum. Stay strong. Sending hugs.

[rubyjune]

That’s a shame you can’t use groups at present because of timing and distance. I hope your enquiries find you some support.

The excuses he uses are to justify to himself his behaviour which are likely to be causing him all sorts of feelings of shame. But, they are excuses at the end of the day.

My husband is currently saying he’s tried everything ( detox, group program, one to one, psychologist/ psychiatrist) but nothing has worked so he will just have to drink. I could shake him with frustration when I hear him being so defeatist. True, it hasn’t worked the first time but to me that means you have to try again. I keep thinking surely he realise this. Yet I suspect he never will. My own father drank himself to premature death, knowing full well his liver was packing up.

My husband and many other addicts are for some reason not sufficiently motivated by their own health and well-being (or that of their loved ones) to make the difficult changes/sustain the changes in the longer term. Nor can we make them even if we stand on our head turn ourselves inside out in an attempt.

The issue of what he might do if you left is understandable. However an unknown. I think you can be fairly confident about the harm he will do to himself and you if you stay. It’s very difficult to accept but you cannot manage his addiction. I’m not saying you should leave. That has to be your decision. But, I am saying don’t stay on the just in case. I mean, you probably recognise it could easily happen even if you stay!

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