[tw82]

I’ve only just found this forum, I’m not sure how it works but I’m just going to give it a go

So I’ve been with my partner for 5 1/2 years hes always been a drinker but the extent of his drinking is getting worse, we also have a 4 year old daughter to consider, he doesnt drink when he working but every day off he gets he’ll finish work the night before and start drinking and wont stop he drinks all through the night my daughter has got up for nursery and hes passed out on the sofa, he doesnt help round the house on his days off because he’s relaxing, we cant do anything (cinema, bowling, meal out etc) without him getting drunk before even if we have something planned for say a saturday night he’ll still drink from work on friday and all through the day sat, I’ve started keeping notes of how much he drinks and its alot, I dread his days off if I ask him to do something he’ll say yes but never get round to it but if I ask again I’m getting on at him, he argumentative when drinking aswell and I avoid him as much as possible im always walking on eggshells if I mention his drinking he says he drinks because hes bored as I wont do anything with him but he also says it’s boring whenever I suggest doing anything without a drink so I cant win, if I say let’s go for a meal he say yes a nice meal and a couple of drinks, but it’s never a couple he’ll have a couple before we go then sfull bottle of wine to himself then want a beer at the end then he’ll want to go to a pub after, if I suggest the cinema he’ll want some before then to take drink with him (JD and coke in coke bottles) then drinks after, bowling well they serve alcohol and it’s more fun when your having a couple drinks (by a couple I mean he’ll have a couple bottles of wine before the get a pitcher of beer there even if we have our 4 year old with us and then he’ll go to the bar after) he also doesnt eat much during his drinking binges so if he has 3 days off in a row 2 of them he will be drunk, he drank from 6pm Friday til 5am this morning no sleep barely any food no other drinks just alcohol so now today he’ll sleep most of the day and feel awful when he does get up blaming the weather he refuses to see he has a problem (if I done more with him he’d drink less, if i was a better girlfriend he’d drink less until i step up he’s not will to cut back) i dont invite family round anymore because I’m embarrassed by him i dont take him to family events because he’ll turn up drunk

I just dont know what else i can do considering he was brought up by an alcoholic father he just doesnt care what his daughter sees, she says things like I dont like it when daddy smells (of alcohol) im not allowed to drink daddys juice (alcohol) I want to leave but if I do he’ll lose everything as he’d have to move to his mums so he’d lose is job as the commute would be too far and he doesnt drive, he’d lose his daughter as I’d insist on supervised contact and he cant go without a drink on his days off to see her (he’s admitted this he feels he can look after her safely while drinking as he doesnt feel he gets drunk)

This is what hes drunk the last 2 weekends it pretty normal his next days off are wed and thurs this week and he’ll drink a similar amount over those days

Thursday night

2 bottles red wine

Friday 18th

3 cans strongbow

2 bottles bud

1 bottle white wine

2 jack Daniel’s and coke

1 pint strawberry beer

Saturday 19th

1 70cl bottle Jim beam

3 cans strongbow

Friday 23rd/saturday 24th

1 70cl bottle Jim beam

35cl vodka

4 cans gin and tonic

9 pint cans strongbow

Thank you in advance for any help or support

[rubyjune]

The situation you describe for you and your daughter sounds very difficult.

My own situation is that I don’t have children to worry about whether they are immediately safe and what impact their fathers behaviour is having one them. This will be for you the most important factor for you to evaluate.

A regular theme appears to be that those of us living with addicts don’t want to leave for all sorts of reasons. I think for an adult living with an addict is damaging but there can be reasons why staying is overall the better option. What you describe does sound very worrying, particularly the way he blames you.

The advice I would give (as does everyone else) is the need to look after yourself and your daughter. That may include staying or leaving. However your daughters welfare must take priority over him. So what if he has to go to his mum etc, he is an adult and can make choices and changes if he is really motivated.

There is no winning. The addict will find all the excuses in the world and look to shift responsibility wherever.

I’m struggling to decide if I can remain with my husband of 30 years. It’s a case of weighing up the pro’s and cons. In the meantime I’m going to attend a local group for family with addicts and do more activities on my own. He is not going to change so I will have to ( or become ill with stress) if I stay long term.

I think you would be very well advised to get some support from an addiction service who will be able to provide you support while you make decisions for you and your daughter.

[tw82]

I’ve look at support groups but unfortunately to nearest on is about 40 mins away and the time is just before my daughter finishes nursery so I cant make it, i have emailed to see if theres any other support out there for us, he blames everyone else for all his problems he says all of his friends have disappeared and he doesnt know why, it’s because they’ve all settled and no longer spend all there free time drinking which he finds boring so they no longer invite him his family wont come to ours because of his drinking but he says they’re just to lazy to make the effort it’s at the point that I want out but I’m scared of what he’ll do to himself if I leave him because I couldn’t live with that guilt

[huddle]

Oh how I feel your pain but as much as you may not want to hear it I think you should leave for the sake of your own sanity and your beautiful daughter. Poor little thing. She must be so confused at the way her daddy acts. From what you have told everyone here there is so much suffering under your roof and so much pain. Sounds like your partner is really in denial and is blaming you for his alcoholism. Only he can break the cycle. As others have said so what if he has to go to his Mums. No one would blame you for trying, if only for a while, to regain your strength & care for yourself and your little girl. I know it won’t be easy but a break is what you need and who knows maybe losing his home “safety net” may be the jolt your partner needs to face up to his drinking problem which, judging from his “consumption list” is excessive and must be causing harm to his health and not least to the family finances.

I would suggest you talk to your family, a good friend, to us on this forum to get the support you need at this incredibly difficult time. You must take some action for the sake of you and your daughter. He is making his own decisions to carry on drinking. It is not your fault although he persists in shifting the blame to you. Please read and soak up all the love and advice from this forum. Stay strong. Sending hugs.

[rubyjune]

That’s a shame you can’t use groups at present because of timing and distance. I hope your enquiries find you some support.

The excuses he uses are to justify to himself his behaviour which are likely to be causing him all sorts of feelings of shame. But, they are excuses at the end of the day.

My husband is currently saying he’s tried everything ( detox, group program, one to one, psychologist/ psychiatrist) but nothing has worked so he will just have to drink. I could shake him with frustration when I hear him being so defeatist. True, it hasn’t worked the first time but to me that means you have to try again. I keep thinking surely he realise this. Yet I suspect he never will. My own father drank himself to premature death, knowing full well his liver was packing up.

My husband and many other addicts are for some reason not sufficiently motivated by their own health and well-being (or that of their loved ones) to make the difficult changes/sustain the changes in the longer term. Nor can we make them even if we stand on our head turn ourselves inside out in an attempt.

The issue of what he might do if you left is understandable. However an unknown. I think you can be fairly confident about the harm he will do to himself and you if you stay. It’s very difficult to accept but you cannot manage his addiction. I’m not saying you should leave. That has to be your decision. But, I am saying don’t stay on the just in case. I mean, you probably recognise it could easily happen even if you stay!

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