[ameliajane]

I’ve been married for 16 years but we are very much together only for the sake of the children. We sleep in separate rooms and tolerate each other most of the time. He is a heavy drinker and most nights falls asleep downstairs through drink. He doesn’t drink at work ( he’s a teacher) but has a drink in his hand from pretty much the moment he gets in from work. He is unable to see how much money he spends on drink and how his love of alcohol has ruined his relationship with me as well as affected his children. I plan to leave when the children are older ( They’re 11 and 15) but am struggling to put up with him some days.

[tess]

AmeliaJane I can completely empathise with your situation. My children are now 21 and 23, but if I am honest they bear the scares of witnessing a parent detached by drink. My view was keeping the family together was paramount,, but on reflection I am not sure it was. My daughter would write letters to her dad telling him how scared she was of his drinking and craving a relationship with him. He did not even acknowledge it. She is now going to counselling as she has a real trust problem with boys and does not feel she is worthy – and she is gorgeous inside and out! It breaks my heart. So to be honest if your relationship has broken down as you say, sleeping separately, what message might that send to the children?. I feel I was too tolerate of his unacceptable behaviour, and it progressed and then affected his whole personality, changing him for affable to angry and manipulative. Perhaps inadvertently I created an environment that enabled him to continue pretending to the outside world he had it together. Yes it is an illness, but yes it is so selfish and destructive. If I had my time again, although I love/d him I think we should of separated. I do hope you are getting some support, because it can get inside your head and is emotionally exhausting, second guessing his next move. I survived through talking to good friends, mindfulness and counselling. I spent so much time worrying about him, stopping the boat from rocking for the children, keeping things calm. I sense you must do that too. Dig deep you are strong, but think that maybe You deserve better.

[icarus-trust]

Hi Amelia Jane,

I’m really sad to read how badly your husband’s drinking has affected your relationship with him . As Tess said you must feel emotionally drained trying to cope with him and keeping things together for your children.

May be it would be good for you to have some support for yourself. I work for The Icarus Trust which is a charity there to support people like yourself, who are dealing with the addictions of a partner or family member.

One of our team of very experienced trained people could be allocated to you if you contact us. They would listen to you and try to help you find a way ahead.

You can contact us on help@icarustrust.org or visit the website http://www.icarustrust.org

All the best to you and your family.

[Author]

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