[lt3314]

Hi everyone, I’m new here so just sharing my story to see if anyone has any tips for me… I’ve not really been able to talk to anyone about this who gets it. My partner has had all the support offered he could probably want and rarely uses it effectively which is frustrating, as I’ve been offered nothing! Anyway, here goes..

I’ve been with my partner for 4 years now, we’ve lived together for two. Not married, and no kids – thank god. I knew he had a background of experiencing mental health issues (depression) following his marriage break up and a friend killing himself really close together. I’d always been understanding of this and encouraged him to be open and talk. I’ve always promoted honesty as the best policy, can’t bear liars. No matter how hard the truth is I can deal with it better than lies and losing trust in someone.

Anyway I will try to condense the story somewhat. So when we were not living with each other we’d see each other 3 or 4 times a week. We’d probably end up having a drink cos we’d go to the pub or out to eat. I didn’t think anything too much of it, although sometimes after work even if he worked til 8 or 9 he’d have about 5 beers before bed which I couldn’t understand myself just drinking to go to bed, but I’ve never been one for just drinking in the house really and know that people do, so didn’t question it.

There were a couple of times where he’d pick me up on a night after a gig he’d done, and I could tell he’d drank. I’d feel a little scared in the car. I couldn’t work out whether he’d drank within the limits but it had just affected him more due to not eating dinner and cause he’s quite slim, or whether he’d had too much without others noticing and questioning.

The one time alarm bells started ringing was about a week before we were due to move into our own home. We’d signed the papers, paid the deposit and I felt it was too late to back out. But he’d played a gig where they had to stop mid way because he was so drunk. Turned out he had a hip flask of whisky in his pocket that’d he’d been drinking in the toilet but swore blind he had sun stroke. He was trying to get in his car and drive off and we had to really stop him. This was the point where I was like oh no.. What have I got into here!

The first 6 months of living together were a nightmare. We argued so much because he’d come in from work and then start drinking craft beers.. It became really annoying for me as I only ever saw his drunk side. Conversation was annoying as he’d just repeat himself and forget things. I felt like I was living with someone completely different and that his colleagues were seeing the proper nice funny friendly version and I was getting the annoying slow and docile personality. Not attractive in the slightest! I threatened to leave, went off for a day and this seemed to sort him out for a bit.. Nothing major happened for a while.

To fast forward a bit, his dog got ill which I think triggered him a bit. I knew when he took the dog to the park that he’d had a drink when he came back in, I could just tell. And a few weeks in I found the hip flask in his coat pocket. I didn’t really question it as times were hard enough knowing that the dog was dying.

When the dog passed away, he didn’t seem to grieve. He was really sad and emotional up until thar point but once it happened he didn’t seem to be responding with how I would have thought. I don’t remember thinking anything different really about the drinking, but when he did drink, like if we went out somewhere, he seemed to get a lot more drunk than me. So on reflection think the hip flask was probably coming out again, but it wasn’t as frequent as it was.

Fast forward a little bit again and things really started to go down hill. He said he didn’t feel right and that his depression was coming back, when he got drunk if we had friends round he’d be quite embarrassing slumping in the corner or being rude to me. I made him ring the doctors who knew him from being on anti depressents previously and put him back on them. Literally a week later, he did a gig at a pub, never came back that night. I was so worried, had to call the police and do a missing person’s report. Turns out he’d been arrested for drunk and dangerous driving.

Due to the nature of his full time job, the media had a field day with this! It was bad! He was suspended, had to resign, he was convinced he was going to prison, the drinking was constant, I was so anxious about going to work as I knew he’d just be drinking all day. He went to counselling, but would come back drunk because it was too upsetting. He said he felt so list, so ashamed, that no one was proud of him etc. Many hysterical moments where he would just literally cry his eyes out.

I made him promise that after all the court stuff stopped, he would get proper help for drinking. At this point he still wouldn’t admit a problem. He said his drink was spiked and I was getting so frustrated but at the same time felt bad incase he was actually telling the truth, even though everything in me knew it was lies.

Court situation finished, he said if he didn’t have to go to prison he’d already promised himself he’d stop the drinking… The results were positive and we were all really happy.

But obviously he’d created quite a habit for himself now. So the drinking continued, but this time it was sneaky drinking where I’d find bottles stashed around the house. Usually empty unfortunately so I wasn’t able to get him to put it down sink etc. I stopped drinking myself to support him, but I just kept finding bottles which made me angry as I felt like, not that I’m a big drinker anyway, that I was doing everything to help, but he wasn’t helping himself. He referred himself to an alcohol service, attended a couple of sessions and the lockdown happened. He said that he didn’t hear anything back off them.. Which I found hard to believe! Same with the counsellor. But I can only assume he just stopped contact with them himself. He had been having to go to probation appointments every Tuesday, and always cake back drunk saying he couldn’t deal with the shame. He’d been told to continue going and I was a nervous wreck, firstly that he’d catch corona virus there, but also knowing that this set him off. I couldn’t understand why he still had to go there, but not the alcohol service!

I’m my head, lockdown was going to be a bit of a blessing in disguise.. I’d be with him 24/7, would be able to monitor his drinking, and also he wouldn’t be able to get hold of alcohol so easily! In the beginning weeks things did seem a little better but he was still drinking. I could just tell. Seemed this probation walk was a prime opportunity to go to the corned shop which was still open and stash up. I’d find bottle of whisky, both empty and unopened. It got to the point where when he came back I’d make him undress at the door and go straight to the shower, I’d say it was because I was concerned about the virus but really it was to check all his pockets. He’d still had a drink on his way back I could tell, but I could never find anything for him to stash. It ended up getting to the point I was following him all over. He’d go to hus games room and I’d see him taking a swig of whisky and then hiding it. It’d cause so many arguments. This would usually be around 3pm in the afternoon too. His excuse was always that he didn’t know what he was doing with his life any more and wouldn’t get a new job etc etc.

I kept reminding him what this was doing to our relationship and warned him that I’d have no choice to leave him if this continued. I felt really trapped due to lock down as neither of us could go anywhere! I just had to sit and watch. My anxiety was through the roof. Sometimes we’d argue and he’d storm off to the park and just drink more. I’d have no idea where he was and I’d be scared that he’d got drunk and hysterical again and was going to take his life.

It never got much better, but there were times I thought he’d maybe only drank twice a week and was cutting down. Then one Tuesday he came back from probation hammered and I just couldn’t cope any more as 3 days prior to thar I had his bags packed ready to check him out over lying to me. We’d had a 3 hour calm talk that night where I told him that I recognised this is an illness and that he may not be able to stop drinking, but could he at least be honest and open about what and when he’s drinking as it is the lies and lack of trust that is killing the relationship. We’d talked about him writing in a journal, documenting things, doing therapeutic things like walks, learning piano, and for him to come back drunk and lie about it I just couldn’t cope. So I chucked him out and he’s been to his mams for 2 weeks.

Since then I have learned that he was actually getting our corner shop to deliver 2 bottles of whisky to our wheelie bin every other day! This shows that now his drinking doesn’t always show obvious visible signs as I never knew it was that much and that frequent. He’s spent a fortune this has been going on since April. I’ve also learned that since lockdown, probation has only been via phone calls and so all those times he said he needed to go out without me, he was really just seeking an opportunity to get out and source drink.

I actually feel like he’s had an affair. I feel cheated on, disrespected and like I am second best. He’s referred himself to another alcohol service and says he’s going to tell me the whole truth, so we will see if he mentions those things I’ve found out! I recognise its an illness and I just hope he can recover from it.

I guess my question is, how do you know when you’ve done absolutely everything and when you should leave? I really think this has to be his last chance now.. I’ve tried giving his doctor the info about the hidden whisky so he knows how much he is mixing with those meds, but he can’t rake my information as its not come from him! It’s ridiculous I got so angry especially as he’s attempted suicide before and alcohol is a depressant.

He’s saying he has gone over a week now without drinking anything at all… I said did he have any withdrawal symptoms and he’s said no… I just can’t believe this is true even though I want to, and his mam says she hasn’t noticed him drink (she doesn’t follow him around like I did though)

Ughh I just don’t know what to do! If anyone has read this far, thank you! It’s been good to finally get it all out xxx

[icarus-trust]

Hi

Thanks for sharing your story. I’m so sorry that you’ve been having such hard time due to your partner’s drinking. I hope that writing the post and being so honest and open has helped a little.

I’m sorry to hear that you haven’t had any help for yourself, especially as you have been so supportive to your partner. I wonder if you would like to contact us at The Icarus Trust.

We are a charity that supports people who are having to cope with a partner’s addiction. We have trained and experienced people that you could talk with, and may be that would help to be able to find a way ahead.

You can contact Icarus Trust on help@icarustrust.org or visit our website http://www.icarustrust.org

Wishing you all the best.

[lt3314]

Aw thank you, I will most certainly look into that! Thanks again 🙂

[bt1978]

Hey LT

I have been sober 12 years now, and attend AA meetings. I also recently had a bad experience with Opiates which really threw me, thankfully I’m a month clean from them.

I dont like to diagnose anyone with anything as I dont know them, what I can tell you is that everything you have described is very common in Alcholics.

From what you have written it sounds to me like you have been very patient and tolerant and done everything you can do to help him. The problem you face is that unless he recognises he has a problem this cycle will carry on and on. I know that personally when I was drinking I didn’t care about anyone or anything aside from alcohol. That’s a horrible thing to admit but it was true, and I ended up pushing everyone away, wearing them out and eventually they got tired of my antics. It was only when I hit Rick bottom and realised what I had become that I could begin to sort myself out.

I appreciate this isn’t an easy thing to read or here, but it sounds like you half recognise this from what you have written anyway.

For you as a partner of someone with these issues there are groups set up where you can get help and support and you will likely find others in the same boat who can help and support you as you most definitely aren’t alone with this.

I hope you can post back

Again the above is my experience only and I’m in no way trying to tell you what to do

[Author]

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