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Not even sure where to start with this. Me and my boyfriend have been together for nearly 5 years. Before me he had never had a girlfriend, nor had he ever slept with anybody. I knew that he liked to have a few drinks and took drugs, just never knew the extent of it. When we first starting seeing eachother I noticed that he was drinking a lot, but I put it down to being nervous & needing some Dutch courage (I did too!)
I told him that I wasn’t comfortable with drugs and it wasn’t something I was okay with in a relationship. He did a lot of methadrone (mkat/mcat, basically plant fertiliser). His drinking continued, he would always drink a minimum of 6 cans a night?
I moved into his mums and it just got worse, his dad drank a lot and they would enable him to drink and everything would be brushed under the carpet like it never happened.
I think the first time I found out he had been taking drugs again was when we had been together about a year. He would suddenly (when drunk) say he was going out and he wouldn’t come back til silly o clock in the morning. I only found out because the next day he was on a massive come down and was literally having a full on panic attack, crying & shaking. He told me that he owed a drug dealer £50 and he had no money. So silly me went to pay this drug dealer.
I forgave him but he still carried on drinking the next night. It’s like he needs it to feel normal. Now I just want to say that he is one of the most thoughtful & loving people and he has never once been physically abusive to me. About a year ago we broke up for about 3 months (I’d had enough of his drinking and finally left, we had our own place). Eventually we got back together. After about a month we had a bbq at his mum and dads house while they were on holiday. Everything was fine and he was drunk then all of a sudden he goes upstairs, comes back down and after a bit he is sweating buckets and can’t keep still. I asked him if he had taken anything, he said no. I asked him to swear on my life and he eventually tells me he’s taken MDMA. Now who does that just goes upstairs and takes MDMA on their own?!?!
I said enough is enough now and I moved him into my mums with me (away from his hometown). He stopped drinking for 6 months, he started going to the gym, he was working hard and I was so so proud of him. In lockdown I starting to notice his moods changing a lot. Then one day he left me. Just said he didn’t want to be with me anymore. I know I shouldn’t but I have an app on my phone where I can see his location and he was with one of his mates who he always took drugs with. So I knew he was. I was devastated, heartbroken. I really do love him so much. 2 days later he messaged me saying he loves me and he’s sorry etc. So I go running to see him he’s on a massive comedown and feeling sorry for himself but saying he wants to come home etc. He told me he has been injecting steroids!! (In the house my mum lives in, without anybody knowing) Next day his best friend went missing. Long story short, we went out looking for his friend, 3 days later he was found dead, committed suicide. He was heartbroken. As soon as he found out his best friend had died, he reached for the drink. I didn’t stop him because I didn’t think it was my place at a time like that. The drinking continued. He would maybe go a couple of days without drinking but then he would be back on it.
The other night he asked me if he could go night fishing with his deceased friends brother and another friend that I know (who’s reasonably sensible) so I said yes. Obviously I can track his location and I also know his Facebook password. I saw some messages that were basically him trying to get drugs. Next thing they had been deleted. I couldn’t get hold of him the next morning but could see he had gone to his mums so I went there and could tell by his eyes he had taken something. He promised me he hadn’t sniffed anything. Anyway, I got really drunk and we stayed at his mums, when everyone had gone to bed I told him that I knew he had been doing drugs & had seen messages about it. He told me he had taken ecstasy pills & also EATEN cocaine just so I wouldn’t know because I know he would have a blocked nose if he had been sniffing it. He always comes back injured too, covered in cuts & bruises. These are just a few examples of times but he has done it way more times than this. The drink is mainly the problem, as I don’t feel he would take any drugs if he hadn’t been drinking. I’m sick of him telling me he loves me and doesn’t want to do that and then him going and doing it. He doesn’t want to talk about it the next day or ever (presumably because he feels so ashamed). He will sometimes go up to a year without taking any drugs, but somehow he always goes back to them. He refuses to admit that he’s got a problem (says well I went 6 months without a drink at one time so I can’t have a problem)
My problem is that I worry to death about him, I love him more than words can say & I just don’t know what to do. I’m scared he will take that much that he will die.
In my head I only see a future with him and I don’t want anybody else. I want him to be the person I have children with & get married to but I need him to change!
If anybody has any advice it would be greatly appreciated, and I’m so sorry for the ridiculously long post!
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Sounds a nightmare 🙁 what’s this app that tracks their location??
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He needs to be ready to get help by himself. Tracking him and running round after him won’t help. All you can do is wait for him to want help, but do it from a safe distance emotionally. Xx
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Hi,
First off I’m sorry that you are going through this. I have just been through all of this and more with my now ex-partner.
I met him 2 and a half years ago and when I first met him all he did was drink, a usual amount like everyone does. He told me that he had been to rehab when he was younger because of a cocaine addiction but had been clean for two years – didn’t think anything else of it until he kept disappearing on nights out, kept meeting up with people randomly through the night and we would argue so bad when we together just so he could storm off and probably go and use. I was obviously oblivious because I had never been around drugs. He eventually told me that he was using again and I gave him an ultimatum; I didn’t want to be with someone who was into drugs so if he was going to use then I would leave. Long story short he lied to me for a whole year promising me that he hadn’t touched the stuff in months, but I found out that he had been taking it daily. After a breakup and him quitting his job where he used and a new start to our relationship I finally thought things were over. I like you wanted a life with him, we got engaged and we had a baby. We have recently split up because of other related issues and he had just used again for the first time in about a year. He failed a drug test.
I’m telling you this As I am literally living it, he will never ever change. No matter how much you read his messages or track his location or give him ultimatums or get him help, he won’t ever change. He may stop using drugs eventually on his own accord but nothing you do will ever make him stop. And trust me, marrying him and having his babies will only end in disaster. I’m now a single mum of a four month old baby and my ex is still running around doing cocaine like he’s single and not a dad.
I’m trying to save you anymore years of heartache and stress, because I’ve finally gotten to the place where I’m happy and even though he’s back using, it’s not my life it’s affecting. I hope you’re okay !
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