[daydreamer]

This is exhausting.

I am an adult, but i still live at home with my parents. My dad has been an alcoholic as long as i can remember.

Tonight me and brothers are shaking and crying with fear. My dad is aggressive and is physically and mentally abusing my mum. We feel very trapped in isolation. When he is sober he is the nicest guy you’ll ever meet, but when he is drunk he is a monster.

I feel sorry for myself, my brothers, my beautiful mum and all the other victims across the world that have the burden of a drunk at home. I was staring out of the window thinking there must be other people out there experiencing the same thing. This forum has made me feel a little less alone in my despair.

[vmac123]

I’m so sorry that you’re going through this. I live with an alcoholic too. My fiancé is awesome sober but drunk he’s not the best. Not aggressive just not pleasant to be around. It’s exhausting. I hope you manage to find some comfort here in knowing you aren’t alone

[boho-girl]

Hey

Your story sounds so similar to mine with my Fiancé. He can go for days without drink (only ever drinks wine) but then binges and it’s becoming worse during this lockdown. He is also on medication for depression which isn’t helping and I’m also just so exhausted with it all.

He’s been pretty much drinking since Friday afternoon and last night I’d had enough and told him if he didn’t address this things were over and we should put house up for sale- tbh he was so drunk he didn’t seem to care and he just started to get really unpleasant which I’m sure he’ll regret when he sobers. I do love him and really don’t want it to come to this ( infact we are booked to get married abroad next year) but just want the man I fell in love with back. I don’t know where to go from here as it’s really impacting our relationship and he doesn’t seem to care or be doing much about it. How do you cope?

[dexter2015]

I left my husband 2 months ago because I had reached the point where I couldn’t cope with the monster he became when he drinks. Some evenings he would be affectionate and others he would be horrible. He won’t accept he has a problem and he won’t get help.

I miss him so much and I want to be with him but I can’t live with him like he is now. We are still talking and some days I think we can overcome it but at the moment we are barely speaking. He gets so angry and defensive when I say he needs help and he pushes me away.

I think the best way we can all cope at the moment is to keep talking to each other. You are all trapped with the people in your lives who are drinking right now so the best we can all do is talk and support each other.

[vmac123]

Dexter2015 is right. These forums are all we have at the moment to escape for a while. I really do think taking your focus off the other person’s problem and focusing on yourself helps. Does worrying, hunting for bottles, asking them to stop etc help you or them? I don’t find that it did for me – it made my fiancé ratty and me anxious and miserable. I’ve quit looking for it and I’m focusing on myself – exercising, reading, chatting to friends etc. Look up self esteem building and do some work on you. I find a short 5 minute meditation in the morning has helped me to stay focused: I’m trying the one described in this video https://youtu.be/9vnlSXm81U0 I’ve not been doing this long but in the week I have, I’ve not been so focused on analysing my fiancé (I’ve looked in his usual hiding place once in a week – I used to do it every day -twice) and I’ve felt better. It’s going to take me a long time but I’m determined to make myself happier with who I am. Then if I have to leave, I will have the strength to do it. I hope you manage to find a little piece of yourself to keep you going.

[didi82]

Do you ever feel like you are becoming paranoid and constantly look for signs they have been drinking? Sometimes I convince myself that my husband had been drinking and frantically search for evidence, I sometimes almost feel deflated when I don’t find anything as then I question my own sanity

[didi82]

My husband is a secret drinker and is very aggressive when drunk, I also feel very alone as I haven’t shared this with any family or friends out of embarrassment.

[sml4]

My mother is an alcoholic. I’m grown and have my own home with my own kids but my dad still lives with my mum although for years he’s been saying he wants to leave. My mum is the loveliest mum/wife when sober then she will find some excuse to start drinking and find some one to blame and it’s my poor dad who has to live with it day in/day out. I wish he would have the courage to leave and enjoy the rest of his life (both in their 60s). We as a family have had to deal with this for 10+ years. She’s been to rehab a good few times, attended meetings in the past but then does well for a few months and thinks she’s then ok. We can always tell when she’s started again and it’s heartbreaking every time she relapses. It never gets easier and she can be so nasty and spiteful when drinking especially to me and my dad. She’s been doing so well the last few months and has now started with the drink and abuse again in the last week. Now my dad is completely stuck indoors having to face it all alone.

[lucy19]

I feel so sad reading all your stories, mine is much the same. I feel slightly less alone having this forum to share. I’m currently sleeping on my settee so I can keep out of the way of my currently verbally aggressive fiance. Knowing my grown up children have had to listen to his crap all day is making me feel even sadder. I love my fiance with everything I have when he’s sober he’s the best , but sometimes when drunk he turns. He even looks different, it’s his eyes I actually think he’s evil and tbh I hate him. I despair that this situation never ends, constant vicious circle which is mentally and physically draining . With u all in thought xx

[sml4]

Hi, sorry to hear about your fiance. No one should have to go through this. I completely know what you mean about them even looking different. My mum looks and acts like a complete different woman. But because she is so nice when sober it’s hard not to forgive her when she sobers up again. I just can’t help feeling resentment towards her for how selfish she can be at times. My dad is such a hardworking, kind, caring man and doesn’t deserve it. No doubt your children feel the same about you not deserving this either. Just so sad. Take care x

[lucy19]

Thankyou for your reply, it really does mean a lot. My son actually plucked up the courage to speak to his dad , first time and it broke him. It broke me knowing he’s had to do it and my partner looks broken since they chatted. he hasn’t drank in 5 days now but Im sure it will come at some point. I know what you mean about your mom, I feel same way about him. How can I hate him when he’s back to normal, but I do resent him for putting us through it. I’m angry with myself that our kids memories will have happy times but also some scarey ones from after effects of his drinking. He seems more distant than usual at moment, goes to work then home to bed. He seems agitated with me pretty much all the time. I have constant sick feeling that when he drinks everything he’s bottling up right now will pour out. You keep safe too x

[marie456]

My step-dad was an alcoholic all through my childhood and I stuck around into adulthood to keep my mum and sister safe. I regret now not walking away earlier as neither have been thankful for the help I gave, not that I expect thanks but I put my life on hold to continue living in the house. I cant honestly say it was worth it, but thats my situation not yours. My breaking point was him being close to punching me in the face (less than an inch from my face) because I asked my sister for a chip. It was something that small and silly that I turned to my mum and said I’m done, as of this moment I’m done. It took another 6 months to get out but my mum left him and I started to live my life. I just want you to know that one day that escape will happen and this will be over, you will start to heal and it will take time but it can happen!

[jopdm123]

Hi,

I am exhausted with my father and don’t know what to do. He has been drinking for years now! Worst of it is, he hides it and denies it however we can all smell it.

Tonight I drove over and found him drinking straight vodka in the car smoking a cigarette. He still tried to deny it which completely blew my mind and he couldn’t understand do had just caught him with my own eyes.

I am a adult, happily married and thankfully don’t live at home. He is so horrible to my mum all the time mentally and she cries all the time. She will not leave him!

I don’t know how to help him or what to do? He is going to drink himself to death, he’s already had heart attacked and 2 days ago was diagnosed with Angina.

[sml4]

Hi, sorry to hear your story. Sounds very similar to mine but with my mum. My dad always says he will leave her. Then she fixes herself up a bit and he stays, just for her to relapse again. She lies to us all the time and also drinks neat vodka. Not sure how she’s still alive as she can drink a litre a day over a period of time. Not sure when or how she even gets to the shop but she manages somehow. Unfortunately for us, we have to face the reality of their decisions to drink, where as the alcoholic family members continue to feel numb and seemingly don’t care about the consequences or feelings of their family members. I’m tired of trying to understand or help my mum at this stage.

I do hope you feel some comfort in knowing you aren’t alone. Although I know it doesn’t help the situation you’re in. Take care x

[jopdm123]

Thank you for replying to me. Finding this forum has been amazing for me to know that even when you think your alone your not.

I told my mum what I seen and said she needs to try and get him help. He also told her what I witnessed which is something I suppose. It is just so hard my dad used to be very successful and this big strong man, and now he has nothing and shuffles around like he’s 90 years old.

I just want to help in and my mum before he completely destroys our family. My brothers don’t take much to do with him because of the way he is with my mum, so I feel like I need to help my mum on my own.

I’m like you, not sure how much dad is still alive, it went from neat whiskey to neat vodka.

Sorry to hear you’re going through it too. X

[retroheadz]

I wish I could hug you all! Alcohol is awful and regardless of how many people try to convince me to “go on have a drink” I alway look back at my childhood and remember how my family was destroyed by the evil that this drug has caused. Alcohol is the most acceptable drug in the world and it destroys so many lives. I suffer my own Substance addiction and I blame this on my life as a little child watching my father being horribly abusive to me and my mother. Regardless of what anyone says if you are drinking alcohol even once a week then you have a problem “Guaranteed” and many will say no but it’s true. The only thing you all have in common is that you all realise the damage it is doing to you as a person and if you don’t do anything you will waste the only life you have. To walk away is horrible but a functioning alcoholic is the most dangerous and if they don’t want help then you will never be able to enjoy what life you have. It’s so sad how you all have been affected by someone who drinks but I want you to all know your not alone. Try and focus on you and don’t try to fix them. Stay safe.

[lucy19]

Really feel for you all, awful situation . Im also so glad I found this forum as you often feel alone. Let’s all just keep talking when we need to as it does help. Best wishes to all xx

[jopdm123]

So after my previous comments above, my dad had said to my mum ‘ I won’t be going to the shops again myself etc etc… all bullshit’ I call this morning 9.30am and he answers and is clearly drunk!

After seeing him drinking neat vodka in the car smoking a cig, throwing the bottle out the window when he seem time, I then go and pick the bottle up and drive away, I watch him crawl through the bushes for it! How desperate must you be! But to be drunk at 930am is just disgusting and I cannot seem to understand or justify it in my head! I am so close to cutting all ties with him! My mum and I are best friends but I feel she sweeps it under the carpet for a easy life! So fed up already and it’s not even 10am

[sml4]

I know exactly how you feel. Many a time I’ve witnessed my mum drunk early in the morning. I’m pretty sure she drinks continuously through day and night any time she’s awake. I also can relate as my mum had a very good career working in mental health, worked very hard and took pride in herself. Now she neglects her basic personal hygiene whilst drinking. Literally doesn’t leave her bed unless it’s to eat which isn’t as regular as it should be or to clearly sneak to the shop. I’d say my parents have spent near on £60,000 on 5 different rehab centres and she’s still relapsing every few weeks/months. I’m not sure there is anything left for us to do, I’ve even taken her bank cards but she threatens to call police on me. She has done some pretty desperate stuff whilst drinking and the lies just roll off her tongue. This forum is helping me so much and I’ve asked my dad to look into something to support him. I just wish he would leave her and enjoy the rest of his life while he can. She isnt even nice to him. Infact she’s awful. I know he won’t though. I think the main thing is your mum knows you will support her no matter what. I don’t even talk to my mum when I visit my dad if she’s been drinking. Hope you and your mum are both okay x

[sarahlew]

My partner has been an alcoholic for about 6 years . Last year it got really bad where he couldn’t be left alone with the kids. He had a metal brake down and lost his job. He was a totally different person when he drank. He didnt care about me or my boys and basically looked like a homeless person. He was spending over £100 a week on alcohol. Life was horrible and mean horrible he would mentally abuse me and sometimes push and shove me. Dont get me started on the verible abuse specially if I didnt give him money or bank cards. I’d throw him out and not hear from him for days or he would be at my door constantly begging to come back home. In October his grandad died (his main sauce of funds) and it was the last time he got thrown out of the house…he had one last chance. Went to the docs and was sent for tests. Basically he got told he HAD to stop drinking as his liver was in a very bad way and he could potentially die. He got given a number to ring for his addiction got a follow up app for 6 months time and sent off on his way..after that appointment he didnt touch a drink for 6 months and was like a totally different person..different partner, different dad and son our lives were starting to look up for the good. I wasnt a big drinker anyway but would maybe meet up with a friend once a month and my.sisters but I stopped coz I wanted to be supportive. We didnt go anywhere really unless it was somewhere with the kids. His appointment got cancelled coz of the Covid 19 (his scan one) and he was disappointed as he wanted to know his hard work was paying off. It was just a normal day went to work he was home with the kids. I came home and he had been drinking from 10 in the morn. The kids hadn’t been fed coz he had drank that much he was sick all over the house and has passed out….all I could see when I saw him was this evil man from 6 months ago and I was so disappointed. It was horrible. Now I’ve had to take money away and not let him use bank cards etc but I’m scared he’s going to keep doing it. Hes now done it twice. I hate going to work and not knowing what I’m gonna come home to and leaving the kids. I just dont want everything we have worked on to go back to that life

[lucy19]

I’m so very sorry to hear your story , I dispair why they do this ,I think deep down they don’t want to be that person but the pull of the drink is just too much sometimes. I completely understand your anxiety and worry x

[jopdm123]

Hi all,

Since speaking to you all in May last year and sharing with you all my experience. My father died in June of alcoholism, only a month after talking to you all.

Unfortunately he had been drinking for years and it got so bad it caused him to go into multiple organ failure. My father knew he was dying, it’s hard for me even 7 months on to think his addiction took hold so much, he no longer cared for me, my 3 brothers, my mum and his grandchildren. Addiction is extremely hard when the person doesn’t think or recognise they have one.

Since my father died I haven’t drank any alcohol, I used to love sharing a bottle of wine or 2 at the weekends with my partner. I am too scared that because my father was an alcoholic I might turn out to be one. I know that sounds utterly ridiculous but it makes sense in my head.

I hope you are all well!

[jopdm123]

Hi all,

Since speaking to you all in May last year and sharing with you all my experience. My father died in June of alcoholism, only a month after talking to you all.

Unfortunately he had been drinking for years and it got so bad it caused him to go into multiple organ failure. My father knew he was dying, it’s hard for me even 7 months on to think his addiction took hold so much, he no longer cared for me, my 3 brothers, my mum and his grandchildren. Addiction is extremely hard when the person doesn’t think or recognise they have one.

Since my father died I haven’t drank any alcohol, I used to love sharing a bottle of wine or 2 at the weekends with my partner. I am too scared that because my father was an alcoholic I might turn out to be one. I know that sounds utterly ridiculous but it makes sense in my head.

I hope you are all well!

[sarahlew]

My partner is an alcoholic and it got really bad at the end of last year where he was leaving the house for a week or even over and just drinking untill he past out. He let me and the kids down big time (week before Christmas) I said I would never ever take him back but as per I felt sorry for him and he was in a bad way when he stopped drinking and I found out his mum was giving him money for drink ???? so when I let him home he went cold Turkey and I locked him in the house when I needed to go to work. It only lasted a few days and since then hes been in a great place and has been about 4 weeks sober. I on the other hand is just waiting for the day. Waiting for the day he let’s me and the kids down and the day I get home from work and hes neglected his fatherly duties and trashed the house. I try and think positive but it’s always there. I always look for the signs..the signs of him acting like a spoilt child throwing his toys out of the pram so it can end up been an excuse or an argument so he can turn round and use that as an excuse or if I say something he doesnt like that will be an excuse. He promised to me he would tell me hes struggling but hasnt and probs wont but we will see. I did tell him I wouldnt live another year like last and the year before so if he does do it again. That will be it.

[emz66]

I’m 15 and my dad is alcohol dependent I don’t want to live with him anymore I feel like he’s completely destroying my life and my mums life. I’ve lost all respect for him and no one understands how I feel. I still love him but I feel like he doesn’t try with me or love me

[marie456]

Your dad will not destroy your life. Theres so much life coming for you. I felt the same at your age but I waited and got stronger until one day I was old enough to start my own life. My past has affected me, how I view others, etc but I’ve had a decent life so far. Try planning for your future, keep that hope alive. The addiction is more than anything. Think of a time when you really really wanted something; food, phone, etc something youd have done anything to get, eg that chocolate bar keeps begging for me to eat it. Thats how they feel every day. Their mind is that frazzled that nothing else has any space anymore other than needs/wants for what they are addicted to. The one thing ive learnt is lots of people are addicted in some way, its just some addictions are more accepted than others. We use them to comfort us, to help us forget and for some reason some people need that 24/7 and the rest of us dont. It will get better for you, just dont give up. Allow the unhappiness in but keep an eye on your goals for your future.

[lindyloo]

Hi emz66

Welcome to the forum, everyone here has a loved one with an addiction. Its a good place to come and chat to others who are in similar situations.

You are so young, I was sad to read your story. My son has addictions and over the years it’s been hard but I know it was hard for his younger sister.

Having someone in the family with an addiction is very stressful.

I wondered if you had someone in school like a guidance/welfare person who you could talk to confidentially. At least the school would support you a bit more?

It would be good if you had a hobby you were interested in, or if you are sporty, cycling, walking.

My daughter loved musical theatre and joined a group. It helped her with her anxiety and boosted her confidence. I know in some places it may be difficult because of covid. Even a nice walk somewhere pretty or a bus to the seaside. Listening to your favourite songs and dance around your room would be good too ! I’m getting a bit old for that now!

Your dad will still love you, but as others have said, the addiction just takes over their lives and their thoughts and makes them selfish and unfeeling towards people closest to them. Perhaps when he’s most sober let him know you still love him but he’s hurting you all because of his lifestyle.

Only he can make the decision to stop drinking and seek support, it’s the first step to recovery.

In the meantime, look after yourself sweetheart. ❤

Sending hugs

Lx

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