[mumof3]

Hi. This is the first time I’ve posted, but I just feel so alone and not sure what to do.

I’ve been married to my husband for 24 years and we have 3 children together. I recently discovered that my husband has been stashing alcohol behind beds, also taking the plinths out to stash behind cupboards in the bathroom. He’ll sit downstairs having 3 or 4 beers and then sneek upstairs to have more. As far as I’m aware, this has been going on from probably this March. He used to just be a sociable drinker but now I feel its out of control. Even if he’s going away for a night or two, he’ll make sure he’s got a stash in his case. I feel I can’t cope. Feel like I’ve got to watch his every move to see what he’s up to. If I go out, I ask my 14year old daughter to keep an eye on what he’s doing. I can’t go on like this and neither can my children. My in-laws (his mum and step-dad) are oblivious to his drinking, but I think I’m going to tell them, as I’m hoping for some support from them. I’m scared about living on my own with the kids and managing to keep my house as I only work part-time. But it’s got to be better than this! His dad was an alcoholic, so I suppose it was inevitable he could end up one too. Just want some advice really on how to cope. Thank you. Ps. I’ve not spoke to my husband about it as I asked him about 3 months ago if he had a problem and he said no, but then again he’s not going to admit it.

[yzeal15]

I’m sorry you are having to go through this. Talking with your in-law to get support is smart. From experience it helps to have someone close to talk with about what is happening. Will that cause more problems between you and your husband? If it does have you found a safe, affordable place to live? Watching someone’s every move can be tiring. My ex was an alcoholic too. I started going to dance classes to get away from him and clear my mind, leaving my kids with my mother-in-law. I’m not telling you to leave (not let him back home) but when I finally did decide to leave, after he got jail time for his 5 or 6 DWI, I felt so much better. The kids missed him but the chaos that had them on edge was gone. I sincerely hope you and your children have a wonderful holiday!

[the-bard]

Please believe me when I say you are not alone, there are a lot of us in the same situation. I can truly empathise with how you are feeling as I am in a similar situation, however in my case my wife is an alcoholic and has been for a number of years.

If you think he has a problem with drinking then you are probably right. A partner hiding alcohol is one of the biggest signs of a deep problem with drink. I have been there, found the bottles and confronted my wife over them.

You may feel a bit better for raising your concerns and it may have some benefit as you will love your partner and will want to help them, however as I have found out once someone is addicted then unless they want to change and they seek out professional help there is not much you can do for them. If you do speak to him remember to focus on his behaviour and not yours. Alcoholics are very good at reversing and putting the focus back on you. The main thing to note is they and they alone choose to drink, you are not responsible for their actions.

The only thing you can do is focus on yourself and your children. It’s is really hard to do i know as a lot of your focus will be on your partners drinking and I know from bitter experience it ends up not only becoming your obsession but you start to feel resentment towards them as well. Please try to not focus or count their drinks or work out how much they are drinking, and also please don’t ask your kids to do the same. Kids will feel conflicted spying on their parents.

Your priority needs to be your own mental and physical health and that of your children. If you haven’t done so already then talking to a friend, relative or via a support group does help as living in silence is really difficult. Also try doing something like exercise or hobby that you like doing for yourself and with your children as we often forget about ourselves and kids in this process.

I have kids also and make sure I spend time with them each day either playing games or taking them out somewhere. and I also have started exercising as I have found it helps and built my own self esteem.

I hope the above has helped somewhat and truly wish you well for the future.

[mumof3]

Thank you for your replies. Today I found alcohol in his car, like in a mcdonalds paper cup with the lid on it, yet when I opened it, realised it had red wine in it and not the normal hot drink you get. I really think its getting serious, as he’s obviously drink driving. I decided to call his mum today and tell her what has been going on. I’m so glad I did. She has been so supportive, along with my husbands step dad. They have said I should confront him later and tell him what the consequences will be if he doesn’t get his act together, as the last thing he will want is to lose me and our kids. They have said they will come round too to confront him if I want. I’ve told them, I’ll try it on my own first. I don’t think it’ll help, but anything is worth a try. I really don’t want to lose my husband, but myself and my kids can’t carry on like this forever. I think he’ll go mad when he knows I’ve told his mum, but I just really need the support and to talk to someone. Just hoping that he listens.

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