[soph]

I don’t know of any holiday that we have had as a family that didn’t involve my partner getting paralytic drunk most days and arguments, me ending up crying but I still book the holiday for us all to go as a family for the kid’s sake because despite this they love their Dad.

The last holiday, a few weeks leading up to it, he drank almost every night and I’ve had a lot of verbal abuse and texts so has my 13 year old who he clashes with.

The first 2 days he was so drunk that he, the first day, walked off sulking and in a mood with us shouting and swearing and stayed mostly in the car (we were in a tent).

The second night he got drunk at the bar, left us all, spent all our money for the holiday(we were limited so enough for food) and was sick inside the car so we woke up to sick everywhere and him acting sorry for himself.

So he goes from cocky and nasty to sad and shell of himself the next day, don’t get it.

No he didn’t learn as lent money then the 4th and 5th night met a bloke who he got drunk with, turned up at the tent 5 in the morning fell on my youngest, threw a shoe at me, was nasty telling me to eff off etc, all this whilst the kids slept then got into bed and pushed me. Found out he drank half a bottle of vodka on top of the lager and guiness.

Came home, drank 10 bottles and acting like nothing has happened.

I feel like theres no way out of this black hole, he has nowhere to go, no job, a daughter who stays over so needs somewhere for her.

I just don’t understand how he is so jekyl and hyde and hes gone to the docs a few times for help but it lasts a week or 2. Now he says if I leave him alone then there wont be any grief.

[janet111]

That sounds so familiar try to be strong and do what’s best for you Iv been going through the same for few years find it so hard to walk away you take care x

[soph]

Thankyou, sorry you have to go through it to. Hard ain’t it, especially when can’t even go to the cinema as he’s back and forth the bar throughout the film grabbing a pint. Dont help with rent being sky high now and I think where would he go. Take care to and hope things get better for you x

[janet111]

Hi how are you doing hope your ok was just dreading your post again and it’s so much like my life hope your staying strong x

[soph]

It’s bittersweet because it’s a comfort to hear others know what it feels like but at the same time awful there’s so many of us living our lives this way. There’s so many things that’s happened, I feel selfish and guilty about when I do kick him out but I feel the same about my kids to. I know addiction is hard to conquer but it’s heartbreaking when he can go days without it but then drink for weeks in a row and when he’s quit for a few weeks, that’s been hell to. I think there’s only so much we can take in the end. Hope your OK to.

[janet111]

Reading

[janet111]

You just seem to get used to it which isn’t right I’m now on week 11 of him been drinking constant it wears you down plus try to act as if my life is good to people but I feel awful all the time I lost both my parents 2 years ago too which Iv still not go over just don’t know where it will end thanks for chatting x

[soph]

Ye same here, its like our lives don’t count. I get the attitude from him that I have to just suck it up as ‘he’s not hurting anyone’. I think of myself and think it would be like me getting drunk every night and my kids and him would have to sit there watching, I could never do that to someone.

I’m sorry to hear its 11 weeks in a row, I hate that feeling of dread knowing its another day of drinking. Does he stop then for periods of time? I asked mine to move out after a horrendous few months of emotionally abusive behaviour and drinking and he’s blanked me and instead stayed in the bedroom for 2 days then not drank for 3 days and doing housework. It’s always on a cycle like this and actually makes me angry that he stops and starts when he wants. The longest is a week

[janet111]

Omg you sound so much like me he stops for a week or 2 in between when he’s off it he does so many things around house and garden but once it starts not a lot gets done it’s no life living like this but I can’t make myself leave

[soph]

That’s crazy, I honestly thought I was the only one. Ye it’s what makes it hard to leave because you see the ‘good side’ I’ve been reading up on the cycle of abuse and it relates to this. Even if you don’t feel abused, it may help you make sense of things. He’s totally acted like I didn’t say to leave and is being overly nice like I said and doing more with the kids etc as normal. This is when I usually relent and then he’s drinking within days but I need to say again tomorrow, makes me cringe to even tell him

[janet111]

I think they will always go back to the drink it has a strong hold over them my 2 girls don’t come down much when he’s drinking which is a shame as they love him so much but can’t bear to watch it there terrified he’s going to die they feel like he doesn’t care about them but I know he does it’s just the drink has a grip of him I hope you stay strong every day please message back anytime it’s so good to have someone who truly understands x

[soph]

Honestly anytime, I’m hear to listen hun ????

[soph]

Aw bless them, it’s a shame they have to see their Dad that way. The boys have mixed feelings, they are used to it so have hardened to how he is which is sad as they still love him because they are conditioned to as they get the good and bad. I do worry that theyll accept this behaviour from partners when their older. He clashes with my eldest though where he will call him names and he’s very shouty then there’s days where he’s nice and he’s then confused. All the more why I’ve plucked up the courage to leave soon (I hope anyway) harder as hes now about a week not drunk and its a waiting game for me don’t know whats worse. I thought the kids would be a reason to fight the drink but like you say it takes a hold. Thankyou, it defo does help to talk.

[janet111]

I hope you do you will have a better life I should have left years ago but just couldn’t take care and let me know how you are x

[janet111]

I hope you do and get a better life for yourself I wish I had done it long time ago take care let me know how you are x

[soph]

Thankyou and you to, remember its never too late to start over x

[janet111]

I know but I know he would drink himself to death and don’t want 1 of girls to walk in on that x

[soph]

This is what I’m worried about to but my healths been affected so much with the stress. Tbh he’ll probably still be here this time next year, the guilt takes over you know even though we’re not responsible for their choices x

[janet111]

I know that’s so true x

[janet111]

Was going to my daughters tonight for a drink and he was so crabbit you could see it a mile off when I’m in house he’s in bed drunk but when I go out he’s always crabbit so fed up x

[janet111]

How are you x

[soph]

Not too bad, he said he’s not gonna leave though x

[soph]

I’d suggest writing things down like a diary and somewhere where he can’t see it because you can look back on everything then and will build you up to seeing how bad the situation is. I wish I’d done this as mind blanks most that’s happened then something triggers a memory. It’s easy to forget when they have the sober nice times. I used to have this all the time when I went out, he’d be off with me, not talk, make bad comments about friends, not any compliments, just make me feel s*itty for going out…guess what it’s been years since I’ve gone to a pub with mates. Can’t even go out with him as he drinks and hates the world.

Did you end up going out?

[janet111]

I do keep a diary have done for about 5 years hope u get a peaceful life soon x

[janet111]

I didn’t go out my daughter wasn’t feeling too good she has a condition which mashes her pass out and was bad tonight so I just came home x

[soph]

Aww bless her, you could’ve done with the chill out away to. Ye I know what you mean about the weekend plus we have this added storm over us because I’ve said to go and he won’t. He hasn’t drank though for over a week so far

[janet111]

I don’t like weekends too much time to think about all the negative stuff being stuck in house x

[shithappens]

Stay safe

[soph]

Thankyou, thankfully he’s never been physical x

[janet111]

It’s the mental abuse that’s probably worse than the physical the horrible things we gave to listen to then next day they can’t remember making you feel like sh*t and just carry on I really don’t know why we let ourselves be treated like that x

[soph]

Your so right, its been a nice break with him not drinking the past week because I haven’t had the remarks, shouting and comments, having to stay silent in fear of being picked on. I am now getting the silent treatment though which I expected. I didnt know why we’d put up with it either until I read up on ‘trauma bonding’ and ‘cycle of abuse’ it opened up my eyes after 9 years of it, was worse in the first years and he didnt even drink as much! Dont get me wrong, Ive supported him so many times with his drinking and trying to help but its got to a point now where I know its always a circle but its like I say to his family, if I gave up on him he’d be on the streets.

[janet111]

I am exact same but why should we feel guilty about not wanting to live that way when they don’t give a ???? About how we feel and how we cope I’m actually on 2 different tablets to try help with the anxiety of it all we only get 1 life and we’re wasting it living like this all the time hopefully he’s strong enough to stay off the drink and get his life back you take care x

[soph]

How are you? He lasted just over a week then drank 3 nights in a row whilst constantly groping me, forcing me to kiss him, knowing I don’t want to then me confronting him today because he’s decided not to drink tonight and he’s acting clueless like he didn’t think it’d bothered me and said ok I won’t touch you anymore, so patronising. Ye your right, why I’m living this way I have no idea. Its a miserable life, acting to everyone like everything’s fine. He has no intention of going and with cost of living rising rapidly there’s no way he can afford to be on his own so I have to live like this for the time being by the look of it. Hope your ok x

[janet111]

Hi I’m fine just really fed up I tried to talk to him yesterday asking him to get help he said no he’s already been in hospital with alcohol hepatitis if he keeps going it will happen again. I don’t think they realise how off putting it is to try to kiss or anything else someone who’s drunk and stinks of drink I’m sure they wouldn’t like it if it was other way round they just seem to expect you to always be ok with them hope your ok I’m here anytime u want to chat x

[soph]

That’s a shame he won’t get anymore help. Would you ever consider leaving just to give yourself some head space as it sounds like it’s taking a toll on your health. I know it’s hard even considering it, taken me a few years to get to this point and he’s still here. Mine was alot worse when he was on the wine and cans wow was so bad. He drinks beer and cider but can be just as bad at times if mixed and alot of them. When you think, he’s drinking so much he may get ill again and that’s with you being there or not. I’m so sorry, alcohol is evil and so easy to buy

[clairebear8529]

I’m glad I’m not the only one but sad at the same time I was just thinking don’t think we have had a holiday where I haven’t cried and it be ruined my kids have started saying if dads going then I don’t want to or when we are away they say hopefully dad will fall asleep then we can go do something

[janet111]

Hi Soph I just can’t make myself leave if anything happened I would never forgive myself I know it’s stupid cos will probably happen anyway but no matter how bad it gets I just can’t go x

[soph]

I know what you mean as I’m stuck in the same situation to

[janet111]

Hi Claire bear hope your ok it’s horrible when it affects the kids we are so lucky to have kids and sometimes alcoholics just don’t realise how precious they are I hated when he used to get drunk on holiday and we would get nervous incase he started arguing it’s really not fair it makes them so selfish x

[clairebear8529]

I know but all the time we feel guilty because we don’t want kids to get hurt but more and more I realise they are hurting anyway xx they deserve holidays to remember for good reason I know all this but for some reason I still holdout hope for the few really good days

[soph]

Omg crazy how many of us there are, I look around me on holiday and all I think I see is ‘happy families’, goes to show we don’t know what goes on really. Ye I do exactly the same Claire, think about my partners feelings but then I feel bad because I have to think of kids feelings to. The kids are torn if they want him with us or not because like you say there’s the good days

[clairebear8529]

I always feel stupid but I found this group today and feels weird but I find strength in the fact it isn’t just me because it’s a very lonely place to be when you feel like the never ending moaning friend when you seem to tell that one friend the same thing every week but they just don’t understand

[janet111]

Your not the only only one soph I hold out hope too but realistically I don’t think there is hope it’s been about 10 years on and off really bad and continuously about 4/5 years I lost my dad then my mum 2020 just 5 month apart and it nearly broke me but here I am still putting up with all this clairebear don’t ever feel lonely i am so glad I found this x

[clairebear8529]

Thank you I can’t tell you how much it means to feel like I’m not alone xx I’m so sorry for the grief you have been through on top of everything. My husband has always liked a drink but when I got pregnant with my now nearly 5 year old he became a lot more nasty and said if I kept baby he would leave etc etc but never did which I felt guilty because if he left it wouldn’t be me telling him to go if that makes sense but never did and last week he scared my kids and my daughter said if I let him in she would phone the police and my son said mum let him in well I let him in both kids crying and I feel shit as he said horrible stuff like I need to be drunk to look at your face etc then I have the guilt of the kids one wanted him to stay one not then the youngest who doesn’t understand. I took the kids out day after so we weren’t here when he woke up I told him to leave and again believe the I’m sorry I know I need to sort it out etc which last Avon a few days of OMG he is so good with kids etc

[soph]

Your life is like a mirror of mine, he slept in a separate bedroom when I had our son (6) because I wanted him more than he did. He loves him loads now but I look back at how bad it was back then to. I met him almost 10 years ago, he’s drank alot the past I’d say 4 years, could be more, my mind blanks out memories. I know it’s strange, it’s like something takes hold and as much as I told him it’s over and to go. He just said no and I’ve accepted it, past few days he refers to me now as ‘mate’ or ‘ex’ he don’t call me by my name and thinks its funny. Ye same here eldest says mum i feel bad for you, mum you deserve a good life, I swear to you it’s what he’s said alot. The youngest pulls my partner and tells him if he’s rude or to stop, he’s like an old man none of the shouting phases him. None of the shouting happens as much anymore because I just speak as little as possible when he drinks to avoid confrontation but we live a strange life I think.

[janet111]

My daughter always says I deserve a better life because all I ever do is try to help people but I can’t make myself leave which makes me angry

[soph]

Sorry was part of the other message like a joint one to you both, my son says the same hun it’s so sad when he says that. I always say to him just never treat your girlfriend that way, I don’t have to tell the youngest as he says it himself, it’s not the way you treat people

[janet111]

Thank you both for taking time to talk to me x

[clairebear8529]

Thank you for helping me as well to realise I’m not alone and if you need to talk any time I’m here xx

[janet111]

You also take care x

[soph]

Thanks to you both to, it can be lonely but at least on here we know what we are all going through

[janet111]

Hi girls hope you are both ok x

[georgina1234]

Oh Soph, I am so sorry that you are going through this. I came to this site because I am 6 months pregnant and completely desperate. The cycle of drinking, abuse and then shame is the exact thing that I experience with my partner…but now I have the additional stress of finding out he has been contacting escorts behind my back while wasted. My whole world has collapsed. Alcohol is the most evil of things. Sending you my thoughts x

[soph]

Thankyou lovely, ye I’m at the drinking part atm where when sober ill talk to him and he seems to understand then when drunk he throws it in my face what I’ve said to him. E.g I’ll say it’s not a normal lifestyle he seems to agree then after the drink he’ll shout so I’m not normal am I then argue about it and say I’m the one who got mental health issues and need sorting out, that I’m nit picking etc honestly this life is not happy. My little one cried last night saying he just wants a life with no shouting so I’m going to yet again message my partner today and tell him he really does have to move out. It’s severely affected both my children. Please get out now before the baby’s born, I promise you you’ll be happy and content and have more control over the way your child’s brought up. Talk to me anytime hope your OK x

[georgina1234]

Thank you Soph. Makes me sad when you say ‘get out now’ because i know you are absolutely right. And I have. All my things are moved out now. I am hoping that they’ll reach rock bottom and change his ways…if he doesn’t I’m afraid he might die. It’s so sad because he is such a lovely person. This has been going n for years and years, starting from when his Dad died. You definitely right to do what’s right for you and your children. Have you bee on the Prior website?

https://www.priorygroup.com/blog/the-dos-and-don-ts-of-dealing-with-an-alcoholic-partner

I found this to be quite helpful today. Not that I am with him anymore. But ‘not trying to reason or talk to them when they are drunk’ was pretty good advice x

[georgina1234]

Thank you Soph. Makes me sad when you say ‘get out now’ because i know you are absolutely right. And I have. All my things are moved out now. I am hoping that they’ll reach rock bottom and change his ways…if he doesn’t I’m afraid he might die. It’s so sad because he is such a lovely person. This has been going n for years and years, starting from when his Dad died. You definitely right to do what’s right for you and your children. Have you been on the Priory website? The do’s and don’t of dealing with an alcoholic partner? I found this to be quite helpful today. Not that I am with him anymore. But ‘not trying to reason or talk to them when they are drunk’ was pretty good advice x

[soph]

I’m glad you have and it’s the right mindset to have, hoping he stops drinking so he doesn’t die rather than hoping it’s so you can get back together as honestly I made this mistake. We split up a few years ago for a year, I took him back because he was hinting at wanting to end his life. I said come back home, we’ll sort it out. Looking back it was me doing the talking. His drinking was worse than ever. I would love him to move out but he refuses to go, has nowhere to go. I thought he had hit rock bottom, really the lowest he can go, quit for a month finally thought we’d be good but no he’s just the same. Thanks, I’ll have a look at that website. Stay strong, your doing so well. I hope he does change so he can be the best version of himself for your baby

[careaboutyou]

Hi All of you. I’m afraid that I know only too well all the situations that you are describing. My late husband died in 2012, he was an alcoholic. We all tried everything to make him stop, for 5 years I tried to help him…his family tried to help him. He was in re-hab ( very expensive ) 3 times for a month at a time……nothing worked…

I left him in 2010 with my son who was 5 at the time ( now 16 ), to save myself and my son from this evil…..

I knew that I had to leave for the sake of my own health and in turn for the sake of my son so that I could continue to be a good Mum to him.

My advice is this; you are not obligated by marriage or in sharing children…to look after someone who cannot take responsibility for themselves…..especially if the burden is killing you. I used to say, being in love with my husband was like wearing a lead coat,anchored to the bottom of the sea and because I was wearing that coat he was dragging me down to my death too. I had to have the courage to take off that coat….and for my son, to remove him from the situation before he became aware of it….

I’m really hoping that you can take a birds eye view of your situation from within the eye of the storm and any which way….leave and take your children with you.

From a survivor of this!

My heart goes out to you all.xxxxx

 

 

 

[soph]

Thankyou this makes so much sense, things have got worse since I posted as now ive said its over and to find somewhere he is still on and off drinking and still gropes and stares at me. We have a child together but I’m going to get some help this week as I can’t let my kids go through this, your so right. I’m so glad you got out when you did and at least you knew you did everything you could. Now I’m looking at my life from the outside I can totally see this pattern more and more, I’m literally living in hell atm so hopefully can put things in place this week x

[Author]

Posts