[katien]

Good Evening,

My partner is a very intelligent man in his work. He is a present father and a massive foodie. He helps out in the house with cooking and ironing (these chores mean he can do what he loves, watch films and cook and eat he also does these alone ) He is quite controlling over food constantly wanting to know what I have eaten to justify his own habits. The same goes with drink. I am not a huge drinker and I do like alcohol. If I do decide to drink it gives him the green light to go all out.I have recently decided to stop drinking completely to stop him using me as an excuse or maybe support him if he eventually wishes to change. He says he does not drink much but slurs his eyes got funny he is not often aggressive unless he gets a bee in his bonnet and he has been physical on a few occasions in 9 years. He is a master manipulator when he needs to be. He is lying to me more and more, even about small stuff. In the morning he is never hung over and full of life energy and is able to socialise easily with no problem (he loves new people) coronavirus obviously stopping this right now. He rarely remembers the night before and if he goes out with the lads I fear for his life. Last time his mate called up after putting him in a taxi but they could not remember his address so called me. I had to flag the taxi down and he could not walk or remember what he had done the time before we had to change the locks as he lost our house keys and again could not get home without help. He is a present father but does not understand our daughters needs and only gets involved if I have given a blow by blow instruction, she is now in primary. I only used to leave her if my daughter who is older is there to help out. My other daughter despises him and my step daughter does not see him anymore. He has got gradually worse over the years. He try’s to say I drink too, or that I’m the one with the problem, or he not had two drinks what’s my problem, and other times agreed it was bad and he is going to resolve it. I managed to get him to the gp at the start of the year to encourage them to test if anything else is medically wrong if he is saying the truth and not drinking much but nothing came back with anything. We are meant to get married and I am worried to do so even though this all I ever wanted for my family. When he is sober he can be great. We have a great and lucky life. We have good jobs and loving a family. His family have a lot of issues and he uses his fathers death a lot as an excuse for when he has behaved badly saying he misses him. I have thought about asking him to go this is my house but his home. He has his own house elsewhere also which he uses for his office and wanted us to move in, however it’s too small for our family size. However he he all the money and assets as I pay all the bills for this house and he has worked and saved separately whilst living together. We have known each other a long time and I do not want to leave with him having any parental rights of my daughter as then I can’t protect her as I can with him here. I hope that makes sense. He would definitely get joint responsibility as he could sell snow to the eskimos and you would never believe during the day how he can’t get at night. He falls asleep early due to drink and would not even hear her in the night and she is mildly autistic so needs proper parenting and still gets up in the night. I love him when he is sober but I can’t trust him and I cannot leave. I see it at least if he is drinking and falling asleep my children are safe and in the day he can be fine. He does not think he has any issues one minute then says he will sort it the next. I’m not a wimp I do raise it and I’m starting to resent him. If I raise it to a councillor as I have tried to solve it with him this way he denies it’s any issue. I have said if it’s an issue to me it is an issue for you. I just would like some support and people to talk to who know how this feels. He is a high functioning alcoholic I believe.

[deficientoptimism]

Hi,

I experience a similar environment to which you have described with my father. This is to say, a high functioning alcohol who is financially independent and can function having drank copious amounts of alcohol everyday.

I witness my father be abusive to my mother for many years, not purely physical, but mainly psychologically, but there has been times where there has been physical altercations.

At this point in my life, I now live away from home and he has significantly mellowed in his old age despite him still being an alcoholic.

All my life I was terrified of my father. It was like living under a strict military regime and I could see how terrified my mother was of him. She would shake if his dinner wasn’t made on time.

When I got to 18, I finally realised he couldn’t hurt me. It took along time to realise this, being a young man, I felt inadequate that I couldn’t protect my mother.

When I was around this age, there was nothing ever really that was obviously abusive. It was always psychological. The sly comments, the name calling and the remarks he would say would make my mother feel helpless.

One day I had moved a DVD rack of his out of place. I was coming home from the gym and my father was in raged I had moved it.

At this point I was still mentally terrified of him, even though physically I was taller, stronger, and fitter. Everyone in our family knows he is alcoholic, it’s just kindly brushed under the rug.

On this day it was like something overcame me. I truly realised instinctively, if I didn’t defend myself verbally and make it clear what he was doing, that he would never know. He lived in a delusional sense of righteousness. His addiction had made him completely believe he was doing the right thing.

I realised at this point what do I want my mothers life to be. I was going to university this year, and therefore would be leaving on her own. I came to the crucial realisation, and I mean this to be the MOST important realisation here, that something had to be done. That sound/ all well and good, but how does one go about doing that? I was in a different place to you. I was physically and mentally able to fully unload 30 years of swept under the rug horrors in a 2/3 hour argument that rendered my dad in tears and myself and my mother without the fear of violence. You may not be able to have that luxury.

What I would honestly suggest to you, is think about the following;

Ask yourself how old are you right now, and how much time are you wasting being unhappy. If there is anything that is a constant it is time. Whether you make a decision or not, time is still ticking for your life.

Your fear of parental responsibility and custody is not something you should entirely fear if you prepare well. My dad said this to my mother when I was a child and obviously she believed him.

Gather over a period of months, photo, video of drunkness, receipts of alcohol purchases, abuse evidence, and collate this. This is all powerful evidence to submit to the courts.

If you’re that worried about your daughter, but you also don’t want to leave him, I have to put it to you like this. There is no easy option here. Ask yourself, what is the likelyhood he is ever going to change? If this a no, you need remove yourself and daughter from this situation.

Remember, the time is ticking on your happiness here. Don’t wait In fear like my mother did for 30 years.

[mjmb]

My husband was (is) a high functioning alcoholic. He held a top job for many years and always had a huge capacity for alcohol with very few signs of hangovers.

Things peaked for our family this year and a huge learning for me was that I had been enabling his behaviour all these years. A phrase I had never heard of before – I thought I was doing the best I could by trying to hold things together for the family but instead I was allowing it to happen. I too sighed with relief when he was asleep and therefore allowed us to function as an (I believed) normal family.

When it came to a head this year my daughters told me they couldn’t believe I’d put up with it for so many years. They were cross with me for allowing it (and whilst sad I am grateful our frank conversations allowed that level of honesty between us). They commented – as had my parents – that whilst he has never been physically abusive he isn’t nice when he has been drinking and particularly not to me. His drinking has had a massive impact on all of us and I am desperately sad to see the affect it has had on our children.

I am still stuck in a limbo but am gradually realising that nothing is changing and the only thing that can change if I want to take some control of my life is my actions and what I decide to do from now. But it is really scary – and I don’t have children at home. I think the comments and questions that deficientoptimism posed are really useful.

I am mid fifties and have been married for nearly 25 years, a friend told me this year that she hopes more than anything I will choose my happiness going forward.

I am blown away by others stories on this forum and have found it immensely supportive, I hope you too find some support on these pages.

With best wishes

[katien]

Thank you both for your comments. I can see similarities and it’s definitely nice to know I am not alone even though it definitely feels like it sometimes.

I’m in my late 30s. We both are professionals and he is very good at his job. We met about 12 years ago and have been in a relationship for 9, with a daughter in primary. My other daughter and step child are in college, we met as we both had children of the same age and both had been in a previous relationship. However his daughter no longer sees him and just says what he has put her through, even though she and I got on a fine when she was visiting.

His ex wife had issues with him and they don’t have a good relationship. She also said he was an alcoholic but he managed it well for at least 3 years before I noticed there was any issue and thought she was just resentful as to be honest she is a bit strange. Never worked a day in her life and relies on everyone else to do everything for her. Hr tells me he did everything and she was controlling.

I am very independent and very different to her, I have brought my daughter up by myself and own my own property and her father has nothing do do with her so finding a role model and a future with this man I thought was great, for my child and me. I thought we were both the people in our previous relationship that gave and never got anything in return.

However he is quite controlling rather than giving and drinks himself to either sleep or in conditions I despise.

If I leave him and get out of his way it generally means I’m just living alone anyway.

I say to myself I could live without him and if I did I would not get into another relationship at least until my girls and independent. So if I’m not going to be with anyone else then maybe I can just cope with this until my youngest is at an age she can make her own views known if there was a need. He is very convincing and people love him but they don’t know what it’s like once he drinks.

I sometimes think maybe he will kill himself with the way he drinks it cant be healthy and his memory suffers. I’m told him mother who died from dementia early also had an alcohol problem.

I could not have our current lifestyle now without him as he provides all the extras.

He is very clever and seems like the perfect dad on the outside and loves to talk about everything he does and people say how wonderful to have such a great man and he tells me this also.

He is perfectly nice during the day, says sorry in the morning, gets me a coffee and is externally helpful. He helps around and asks what he can do around the house and is a good cook. He is controlling about his food so thats the reason he wants to take lead here.

However he can’t control his drinking and can be mentally abusive.

He put a hole in the wall once and then denied doing it. He will admit he has an issue with it with me one moment and the next he has no problem and does not know what I’m talking about.

I will tell him when I’m not happy about it much to my detriment but I don’t want to condone it.

His work colleagues and our friends know he can’t handle drink but just think it’s funny.

Last night he stank of alcohol so much I could not sleep in the bedroom. He lies about what he drinks and often he just goes to sleep early and then I feel like at least I can have a nice evening.

He is very regimented (was in the forces actually when younger and been with many women but never wanted commitment for a long time) and continues to try and dictate to everyone, but I don’t allow him which causes conflict. Example he decided to cook dinner and then called saying to was ready whilst I was in the middle of sorting the cat. I was less than a minute and he shouted so loud at me in front of the children. I said don’t talk to me like that. He said I need to respect him making my meals and be thankful. I said I am and I do but it is going to cause a problem I am perfectly capable. He does not like it but I don’t stand it either.

He is used to getting everything he wants. He now wants a sports car this is the latest thing. He already has three cars and other than paying for food does not contribute to the household bills as has his own else where he pays for. This is another problem as I feel it’s like his own palace separate from our family.

I live within my means and it’s like I’m single with a part time partner who is Dr Jekyll and Mr Hyde.

If I had to choose my life he would not be in it right now. I loved the man I fell in love with which was more a story he painted and I can still see potential there but he likes his drink more than us ultimately.

I am not scared of him unless he is being physical. He has pushed me on the sofa every time I have tried to walk away from his shouting and pinned me to the bed once but the mental side is worse.

Swearing me all the time and accusing me of all sorts and then he wakes and and has no clue.

I sometimes hope he will leave us.

It have thought about what you have said and I do agree what kind of life is this. I think to myself that I only have to stay on this for at least the ten years and I will still be in my 40s and maybe he will change back. In the meantime I can ensure I continue to be independent and improve my career and distract myself with hobbies. He is adamant we need to get married this year and I have already said I’m not sure but he knows how important marriage is to me.

It’s hard and some days I am fine but on those days we’re everything feels like your walking through treacle it’s tough.

X

[Author]

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