[the-bard]

Hey all, sorry just need to vent a little to help my mental wellbeing.

As anyone living with or married to an alcoholic partner knows loving them is soooo challenging as they can be very different people dependant on how much they have drank, leaving you feeling either on cloud 9 or an emotional wreck.

Over the last few weeks I have been in a really good place and feeling positive and my wife’s drinking has been heavyish but normal for her; however this week since my kids have gone back to school her drinking has spiralled again leaving me feeling frustrated, worried and hurt.

Just to give some context she typically drinks 2 to 3 bottles of wine a day everyday (this has gone on for 10 plus years) and she often starts sneaking in drinks from the moment she gets up to when she starts drinking properly midafternoon and continues drinking until she goes to bed typically taking a glass of wine with her. On a good day she drinks 2 bottles and is what I would consider best case as she functions and acts quite well. However, when she’s at her worst the amount she drinks goes up to about 4 bottles a day which is sadly where we are this week. The biggest frustration I have is how she acts. Like any alcoholic she acts secretively, hides bottles and thinks I don’t know when she is drunk, which is very obvious as she either passes out early evening or staggers around he house with bloodshot eyes and cannot string a sentence together. Then when soberish in the morning acts like nothing has happened and we start the cycle over again.

Her Jekyll and Hyde behaviour leaves me feeling frustrated as I want her to just accept she has a problem, get help and get better. I have tried so so many times to help her stop and nothing ever works. I know deep down that only she can change and she has to hit rock bottom before this happens, however it is so emotionally draining watching this happen to her and knowng I have to remain strong for our children.

Due to lockdown and working from home I have no means of talking to anyone about what’s going on or how I feel so i have to bottle up everything, which isn’t healthy. I am not looking for sympathy, I find that just posting on here and reading how you are all coping does help me a lot as i know you all are going through similar things yourselves so can truly understand what’s happening in my world.

Hopefully, tomorrow will be a bit brighter.

[warriorgurl]

Hi, I’m sorry for what you’re going through. As a woman who likes a drink and surely drinks far more than is healthy, I would say that you / she need to figure out what is making her drink so much. The root cause, whether it be depression or trauma, can be helpful in getting her to stop – however she must want to. Also, she needs to recognise that these things can be habitual, and it’s a slippery slope. The first time she had a drink before midday she probably thought “hey, this is a bit cheeky, but why shouldn’t I?” And now it’s just become the norm for her.

Sit her down when she’s not drunk / hungover (I realise this could be difficult) and explain to her how you’re feeling and how it’s affecting you. You say you have kids? For me, I want to stop drinking for them, because I’m a better mother without alcohol. She needs therapy and support, not judgement or anger (although I’m sure you feel both those things). Do you drink?

[holkat]

Hi The Bard

Thank you for sharing your experience, I have felt very grateful reading it because I can relate to many of the things you’ve shared and I am having a really tough time at the moment.

I’ve been with my partner for 3 years, we live together and he has 2 sons who I love to pieces. In the last 8/10 months I feel he has now become an alcoholic but he is completely unable to face it, to talk about it with me, and for me it is a huge weight because of that.

As so many people say, when he is sober things are great. We spend time together, we do normal things, we chat, we laugh, and I love the time we spend together when he’s sober.

The other side of it is he now does the whole secretive thing too which I massively struggle with because what it means is, he now will not drink in the house because I will ‘nag’ him so he goes out on walks round the local park but buys cans of lager to drink when he’s out. This in itself is so hard for me because honestly, its embarrassing that he is a 37 year old father and he sits in the park drinking. I’ve literally begged him now not to do it, I’ve begged him to please just drink in the house and I won’t say anything, but he won’t do it. I have recently realised that this is a replacement for the way he used to drink, which was when he had finished work.

The thing you also said about how the next day it’s like nothing has happened, I hear you. There have been so many occasions he’s been drinking and I’ll try talking to him at the time (and get nowhere) then the next morning it’s like all back to normal. Then I think to myself, it’s better to talk to him when he’s sober, but that’s a complete no go. He either completely ignores me and changes the subject or walks off. Like literally, just gets up and walks out of the room when I’m in the middle of talking.

Back in October, he wrote off my car and told me he was suicidal. In December he left a very high pressure job which I praised him for, I tell him all the time I want him to get the help and support he needs and I will be there with him every step of the way. He has had bits of work since December but is now unemployed. Neither of these things have stopped him drinking, make him get help or stopped him lying and being secretive.

My feelings are that if he cannot accept this problem and get help, I can’t be with him. I do not want to spend years and years of my life unhappy, being lied to and ignored when I talk about things that upset me or when I try to offer support. It will grind me down and I will become a person who is not truly me and who I don’t want to be, it’s already started to happen. But I feel this huge weight of guilt and responsibility and I can’t get away from feeling I am a terrible person if I leave him. All I want more than anything in the world is for him to take that one step, admit it’s a problem and ask for help, and I have told him many times in a loving empathic way I will stick by him to get the help he needs, I will do anything he needs me to do to get better. But how long do I wait? I just go through this constant back and forth inside myself every minute of every day and it is emotional turmoil.

At the moment this is where I’m at: I don’t believe he is ready to admit it’s a problem, get help or change. I do not judge him for that at all but I don’t want to live my life like this or have our relationship in this way. Every single day all that goes through my mind is ‘say it, tell him, tell him if he won’t get help it’s over’ but every day I can’t say it. I currently feel like I couldn’t live with myself if I actually did it and I have completely taken on responsibility for him, his life, his feelings. I’m genuinely scared that it will continue to get worse and I will continue to not leave and I don’t want to live this life.

[a-lone]

Speaking as someone 20years in with an alcoholic partner, it only gets worse, I am a really positive person and have been dragged down continually year after year. I tell no-one and the pressure on myself and our children is immense. It does not get better. They stop having the sober moments where you possibly could talk and just wake up and drink just to be ok. My partner was functioning for a long time but now it is very hard to hide his behaviour. He is not anything like the person I met. I knew years ago I should have left and just like everyone else I haven’t still, the shame and embarrassment is great even though I have a great family who would support me I cannot muster the courage to tell them.

[the-bard]

Hi all, sorry been off a while trying to get back to just being me and not letting my wife’s drinking consume me or get me down. Thankyou for your comments and sharing your experiences, and how you are feeling. I genuinely hope that you are all okay as much as you can be given the difficult circumstances and decisions we are all facing. I am not here to preach but please look after yourselves and try spending time doing something that you enjoy and focusing on yourself. On this journey we tend to forget about caring for ourselves to easily (I know I have often) as their drinking becomes our main focus. However by doing things that makes us happy with or without our partners helps us realise that the most important person in this is actually us and not them.

Stay safe and stay strong.

[Author]

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