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Hi everyone, this is my first time using this forum, well any support forum/service for that matter so not quite sure how this works or if this will help me but I am feeling so broken and alone with all of this & completely emotionally exhausted by my partners alcohol addiction.
We have been together for 11 years (living together for 6) and i would say for 7 of those years he has had a problem with alcohol. There is q constant battle with him over drinking and conflict daily which is so draining, I get so angry and frustrated but it also completely breaks my heart seeing him get himself into such a state every day.
He suffered neglect in childhood and to this day his family arent particularly loving or supportive. He also went through something quite severe a few years back which resulted in ptsd and a court case which dragged on for 5 years which took its toll on us both and drive him deeper into alcoholism.
He admits he has a problem and accessed help from alcohol services about 2 years ago but we just keep going round in circles. I am so unhappy and worry about my health as my doctor has said I have chronic stress but I cant leave him as he doesn’t have anyone else who would help him and I feel if he didn’t have me he would honestly be homeless or even die. I am crying my eyes out writing this as I am so sad and so lost, I just want someone to help him and help me.
I am now constantly on edge worrying if he is unwell as last month, he tried to stop drinking after things escalating again and right infront of my eyes he had a seizure. It was the most terrifying thing I have ever seen, he was foaming at the mouth, his eyes rolled back, his lips turned blue and he stopped breathing. I honestly thought that was it, I was going to lose him. He came round and I looked into his lovely eyes and he looked so scared, like a child, so innocent and helpless. He was in hospital for 2 weeks and was very poorly. He came out of hospital and I thought there would be a treatment plan in place for him, he would be sent home with relapse medication as they detoxed him completely in hospital but nothing. So he came out of hospital and low & behold he relapsed. I’m not watching things escalate again, feeling sick to my stomach every day with worry and stress and no one seems to be able to help. I find it so absurd that someone struggling with an addiction just gets discharged from hospital with no follow up/proper plan. That wouldn’t happen if you suffered with an eating disorder and this should be no different.
I feel like a full time carer and just want someone to take over for a day or two every now and again but there is no one to do that. I know people have their own lives but its just so tough dealing with this every day. I know he wants to stop which is why I haven’t left, he can get quite aggressive verbally when he is drunk but then on the other hand cries to me and says he’s weary of it all but doesn’t know how to stop and maintain being sober- i just can’t see a light at the end of the tunnel right now ????
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The terms ‘broken’ and ‘alone’ are always associated with the person suffering from the addiction.
Yet, it is forgotten their partners or immediate family suffer as well.
You’ve been together for so long and – whatever it takes – you feel this relationship is worth fighting for. It’s just a shame your partner cannot see this.
The constant battles of conflict, combined with your frustration, anger and all that heartbreak at seeing the man you love deteriorate every single day.
Your partner may not just be dependent upon the alcohol – but addicted to your devotion. He is addicted to the constant care needed to compensate for his experience of family neglect.
A neglect that has deeply affected your partner from a young age and still haunts him today.
The drinking has provided the comfort of your undivided love and devotion. At the same time, your partner can forget his past neglect.
He may fear losing you. The separation from you would be unbearable, thus leading him to start drinking again.
There’s a brief mention about your partner’s Post Traumatic Stress Disorder. This will have no doubt contributed to his alcohol misuse as well.
Although your partner admits to having a problem with alcohol misuse, it doesn’t necessarily mean he truly understands this. He needs to face the underlying reasons for the drinking. Not just for his sake – but for yours as well.
His seizure must have been a frightening and traumatic event for you. Yet what you describe after his seizure gives an indication of what is happening to your partner.
When you describe how innocent and like a helpless child your partner was after the seizure, you will have seen a glimpse as to why he depends upon the alcohol. Your partner still feels that he is a helpless child.
There is that fear of neglect that still haunts him.
Being in the hospital and very poorly will have been terrible for him – and the worry for you must have been heartbreaking. Yet whilst in the hospital, your partner had someone there to take care of him.
As soon as your partner was considered fit to leave, the hospital will discharge both him and their responsibility of care. As you have written, there was no ‘follow on’ treatment or aftercare provided.
As expected. His drinking starts again.
As devoted as you are to your man, this is not getting any easier for you. The physical and psychological strain of dealing with this every day.
More than a loving partner, you are a full-time, dedicated carer who is attending to his every need.
All the worry. The stress. The isolation of not having anyone to help. The Covid pandemic makes things even worse, should you want any medical attention or in need of any professional support.
An all too familiar situation arises when someone like yourself has to cope alone.
Being aggressive when drunk will be part of the emotional process that comes with the alcohol addiction. This is a major concern and a further reason for him to receive professional help.
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After all. The sacrifices made for the benefit of your partner deserve more than the aggressive behaviour he directs at you.
Your partner needs to genuinely understand the current situation and the future he faces. He already knows the hard truth – yet may not admit to or even accept it. Without you, he risks losing his home, his health and even his life.
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Although it’s difficult at present due to the Covid restrictions (which are a major cause of problems), it’s essential that your partner receives help.
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Post cancelled due to computer/server errors…..
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System failure…..
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This computer system isn’t very clever….Shall type the rest straight into the box….
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No….System can’t do it
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The alcohol addiction, the past issues
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of family neglect
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and the events leading to the long court case
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(including the PTSD) are what needs to be addressed.
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Your partner may benefit from counselling that specifically deals in these issues.
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This will take a long time to resolve, but it can be done if he is willing to help himself.
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There is help and advice available with regard to seeking support for the addiction of alcohol. There are groups your partner could join and your local health centre could offer advice.
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Working with a counsellor/therapist may enable your partner to face and come to terms with how his family treated him in the past.
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Addressing the neglect when he was younger could help your partner overcome his battle with alcohol.
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You constantly worry about how your partner will end this journey. However. He is not the only one who is being destroyed by alcohol. You risk your own mental and physical health.
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The man in your life will hopefully realise that what has been lost in the past cannot be undone. However. If he ‘s willing to fight his alcohol addiction, you can both look forward to a more promising future.
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