[taylorf]

Hi all,

New to all of this, feeling alone and in need of some advice/reassurance/someone to relate to, maybe?!

I’ve been with my BF for 2 years. I knew about his past and he’d admitted that he was an “ex-addict”. He rarely spoke about it, but I trusted him. In the past two years, he’s admitted to having two “one-off” encounters with cocaine. I brushed them off because we had a long discussion about the need for it and I basically tried to understand why, and I didn’t really get it.

Having never taken any substances before, I’m quite naive to it all, however I have been in previous relationships with guys who turned out to be addicts/ex-addicts etc. I’m very familiar with the lies/deceit/ heart break that comes with it

I was VERY clear with him about my boundaries at the beginning of this relationship and my feelings towards his previous life.

This weekend was my birthday and I had a terrible feeling inside that made me check his phone. I found messages to what I believed to be a dealer…six different instances since June, most of which happened when I wasn’t around.

I addressed it directly and he admits to falling back into the habit. He didn’t add any detail to what I’d found out, so it may well have been going on for the whole 2 years, or it may just be a lapse….all I know is that I’m hurt, numb, furious and at the same time I want to help him.

I realise I need to let him figure this out, but I’m not sure how to let him get on with it whilst living alongside hime and not he affected. How do I know that I’m not being lied to, all the time?!

I’d be interested to hear experiences from others and will take onboard any advise that anyone could give as to how I can help him and make this work for us both.

Thanks xxx

[debc]

Hi TaylorF,

Welcome to the Forum, a great place to get really good advice from people in the same situation.

My Son is an addict alcohol and cocaine, he is in Recovery at the moment, and doing well, long may it continue.

Having lived with his habits for over 10 years, I can only tell you from my own experience that it is like living in hell, and in a viscious circle, the continuous lies and just being let down all the time, and it’s not a cheap hobby.

You have to think of yourself and think what is best for you, which is very hard for people when you love who you are with.

There are lots of posts on the forum which you might find helpful, and lots of people who are in the same situation who might be able to help you with their advice.

There is the Icarus Trust as well.

Keep in touch with the people on the Forum, look after yourself and take care.

Dx

[taylorf]

Hi Deb, thank you so much for your words. I’ve got a lot of thinking to do. He’s reached out to a local centre for help and has slowly started to talk about it. Positive news!

I’m torn between living life “as normal” and making this the focal point of our relationship, because I know it’s something that will take soooo much time. I know that results won’t happen overnight, but I’m yet to decide if it’s something I can be a part of…especially as it’s something he knew I didn’t want in our lives from the start!

[debc]

Hi TaylorF,

That’s great news that’s he’s reached out to someone, there are also lots of meetings on line, my son uses Zoom, you can just sit in the meetings, you don’t have to say anything, these might help too. Getting him talking about it is great, my Son does talk to me about it, but only when he is in the mood, has to be at their pace I think.

Take your time in thinking about what you want, looking after ourselves as well is very important. I find myself not doing this and thinking about my Son more, which isn’t always a good thing.

I find this Forum really good, so many people in the same situation, it’s helped me a lot.

Keep in touch and take care.

Dx

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