[kulstar]

Where do I begin? In reality I’ve been popping in and out of this group for 2 years knowing that the grip of Cocaine was slowly but definitely very surely was taking a stronger and stronger hold. Always starts off the same, recreationally taken with friends to “help” socialising and chasing that forever high (which btw never comes). 2020 during lockdown (no excuse) more and more was being consumed. 2021 started off terribly with winter days, home schooling (I have 2 lovely young children), Dry Jan went up in smoke (or more pertinently put, up my nose) after 16 days and work was challenging.

[kulstar]

In April I believe when the gyms were back open I appeared to have got back on track and going back to good habits. The “old me” was back…..for 6 weeks and then Mid-May here we go again. The sleepless nights with myself downstairs while my beautiful family slept upstairs.

[kulstar]

I made countless excuses to my wonderful wife about why I hadn’t come upstairs, working late, fell asleep on the couch, too hot (all lies).

[kulstar]

In June the wife caught me and I left the house as I saw her as an obstacle to me having a great time (what a fallacy).

[kulstar]

I sought help in July with a couple of sessions with a Psychiatrist who said I was fine and I did feel fine. August and here we go again. The rest of the year was filled with ups and downs, resorting to anti-depressants which helped mask my erratic behaviour (and gave me something to hide behind). Xmas came and went while on it. New Years Eve I didn’t end up staying awake, the kids and my wife celebrating the New Year in our bedroom while I lay there unable to move, disabled from the days of abuse. What had I become?

[kulstar]

Jan 2022 started off well but short lived. I couldn’t rid myself of this grip that this drug had on me. I managed a few weeks off it but something would always lead me back to it. This something being a blind spot or the beast within my mind daring me to make the call. It had got so bad that I had the dealers account details and he would place the copious amount of bags in the letterbox so I could slide my hand in the box and pick it up discreetly. I didn’t even need to leave the house now! All I wanted to do was watch porn and consume cocaine (along with alcohol to bring me down). You can see the downfall here, cocaine to take me high, alcohol to bring me down and it seemed forever the cycle ran.

Come end of February 2022 and my blessed wife had had enough. She just said You’re no use to us at the moment, just go and clear your head somewhere. This was my moment to do as I wished, yippee! I left our home and checked into a hotel and basically drank and snorted until a few days later. My moment, my realisation had come. I missed my sons first football match. I had taken him to training, supported him and had been his biggest advocate over the previous 9 months. Just when it mattered, I wasn’t there.

This was my dawn and my awakening. One of my best friends came to visit me at the hotel a day or 2 after missing my sons match. He saw a broken man, he took me out to get something to eat, I bought a bottle of lemonade and retreated back to my room. I knew I was now in this stage of going cold. I couldn’t do it anymore, the ups and downs, the lack of being in me as a man, the one that my children couldn’t look up to as a Father, the Husband who wasn’t really there. My wife had to carry the load and now, well now…..was my time.

[kulstar]

March 2022 I started my recovery. I accepted I was a cocaine addict, I admitted and told my nearest and dearest what I was. A cokehead, manipulative and a liar (I told my parents, my brothers and their respective wives, my mother / sister in Laws and of course my blessed wife along with a few of my friends – maybe too many friends). Once I had accepted this was who I had become it felt as if the worries of the world had been lifted. It was now time to see the beauty that love and compassion had to offer. My words had no weight any more due to my previous actions and now it was time for action. Time for real change, visible change. My attitude to life became one of principles and values. One of being and reason. This shift only happened because I was ready. I don’t know how to describe it other than I feel truly blessed to type this to you all. I am one of the lucky few who had the chance to do this.

I see many families on this forum struggling, many users who are struggling and it is heart breaking yes. Only meaningful way I can see from my experience is you look within you, like really within you and ask yourself Do I really want to change?. I changed for me and me only. I knew by doing this that the world would get the best from me. If I changed for my wife then what would happen if we had an argument? I would only resort back to my old ways.

So here we are, 146 days on – my wife chairs the school charity and I help her out with activities related to this, I am my sons football teams coach, my work is back on track, my fitness is up, my wife no longer carries the load within the house and my 9 year old daughter (she’s my barometer to see if I’ve really changed, my 6 year old son would always think I’m his hero such is the nature of these relationships) and I have the best relationship we’ve ever had.

So what is the point of all of the above? I was a truly broken man end of Feb 2022, now I am unrecognisable and this is all truly possible. Michael Jackson Man in the Mirror, are you ready to make the change? Only you can answer this my friend, if you are there is a whole world waiting to see the best of you……..

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