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My husband is an (in denial) cocaine addict. I have posted numerous times on this amazing site for advice. But I have absolutely had enough now.
He is clean, has been for 3-4 weeks and honestly? He’s absolutely horrible to me. Like vulgar! The type of stuff you wouldn’t say to your worst enemy… it’s like he made me all these commitments to get clean.. and he despises me for it now.
Tonight (amongst some particularly nasty comments) he told me
Im not worth being sober for.
I’m the one who pushes him to it in the first place.
And the usual ‘I might as well be off my face if it’s an escape from this’ and can I just add… an escape from the argument he caused!!
I have a pretty fast paced, stressful job and three beautiful kids… and my weekends are now ruined by his hatred. I’m sober for him.. I literally bend over backwards for him. I really think I finally deserve more!
Does it get easier? Do they finally come to the reality that it’s not my fault? I’ve come out for a drive after he threw all my pillows and blanket downstairs, told me to F off and blocked me on everything.
I can’t take another minute
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Hi Bella pop, I’m sorry to read your story. I felt that you needed someone to reply to you.
It’s great that you’re husband is clean, but I know that recovery is really really hard in the first few weeks/months.
My 30yr son is currently 15mths free of alcohol and cocaine. I know it was difficult for everyone, every day is like a battle.
Your husband is trying to pin the guilt on you that’s what an addict does, his system is still trying to free itself from drugs.
I’m not sure how to advise you but, you need to let him know, that you will support him in his recovery, but this behaviour is unacceptable.
Have you read Kulstars story here on the forum? He is a person in recovery, very upfront and honest about the way he treated his family while he was using.
It’s a very emotional read, also he is helping other people to get support and offers advice and support to the families of addicts.
Please stay strong and try and stay positive for your own health and well-being.
Your husband needs to attend CA meetings regularly in early recovery. The quote my son was told ” 7 days without meetings makes one weak”
It’s really important that he sticks with their program ie getting a sponsor – going through the 12 steps , regular contact with the fellowship.
It’s a horrible situation but, there is light at the end of the tunnel. Your husband needs to use all the strength he’s got to fight this devil that is cocaine.
Sending hugs ❤️
Lx
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I have just come up to bed and wanted to find a site where you could chat. Sorry to read about your husband. It is so hard trying to live with addictions. My son is 24 and when he was just 18 we found he had a terrible cocaine problem. We managed to get him into a unit for a week and he got some help. Cocaine is rife so wherever he goes it is there on offer and you can get it delivered to you door! Before covid we made him move out, he hadn’t been using drugs but had a very anti social drinking habit. When he moved out, he developed his cocaine habit again and then just as lockdown started he moved home and was great for months. He is a big drinker and I am not sure which one is worse or whether they are both bad. My family has suffered much trauma, including suicide. Recently my son found out a friend had died from suicide and then a friend got killed in the summer and it has all affected his well being. He needs help and I think he wants help but not sure whether it is help for mental health, drugs or drink or all of them.
I read the comment about people at work doing nice stuff and I feel like that. I don’t like to go away any more because I just don’t know what he will be doing so I would rather not go, which is ridiculous really.
He was out all night last night and I went and picked him up at lunch time. He was going to go out with some friends but he had no money and he did stay in. From 11pm I was on egg shells thinking he is going to slope off and was so relieved when he just went to bed at 12.30am and asked me to make him a sandwich. I spend most my weekends being anxious.
It is awful to see other people suffering but there is something comforting to not be so alone
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Hi Bella pop I have been going through the same
In fact our lives sound very similar
Although 4 weeks ago I found my husband in a flat he
Should not have been in and he owes money too
That day I had enough and put him out and now he is at his mothers and our 3 children don’t want to see him
All I want him to do is say he will get clean and I would help him all I can but so far he hasn’t and does the same as your husband blames it all on me
I really feel for you it is a worry choosing to separate isn’t it
As you don’t know if your hubby will get worse or not
It’s like living with a Jekyll and Hyde
Please keep in touch
Just now I am devastated and miss my husband terribly despite how he was behaving
It’s only the last couple of years since his father died he changed and especially the last year
The drug affects every part of their being
Sorry if I not been much help but I really feel for you
I been crying all day and night just praying my husband gets better and we get our family back together he was our rock and I want to help him
Take care xxx
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Hi Bellapop – here’s my username and you should be able to click on it and find my posts “An Addicts Journey – Change is Possible”
Lindyloo thanks for mentioning me ????????
I’d like to contribute more however I’m off to do a 10km Tough Mudder in Liverpool! Will check back in soon and provide some thoughts
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You’re welcome Kulstar!
Good luck with the 10 k
Lx ❤️
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Kulstar it seems like you have some really good advice. Cocaine is such an evil drug, so easy to get hold of and very difficult to decline, it would seem
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Once I accepted who I was there was never any resentment towards my wife. She put up with all my baggage but finally she had enough and rightly so, no one deserves to be treated in such a way, she just wanted the family life we’ve always had, was this too much to ask?
I’m forever grateful towards my wife every minute of every day for her allowing me to still be a part of my amazing family.
It was me with the problem, not her, what had she done wrong in any of this? It was I who created the toxic vibes that in turn effected her. All she wanted was love and I wasn’t providing it, even if she was my numbed emotions wouldn’t feel them.
I am blessed because she is an absolute diamond and it was all my fault. One has to accept their wrongs in their entirety and once they have they can start to our things right.
Now that I’m back the love I feel, the positive energy given out attracts such energy back.
Make no bones about it though, I did this for myself so I controlled my own happiness and the world could then see the best version of me. If I did it for anyone else what would happen if I fell out with that person.
Acceptance for one’s actions is key, without it we blame others which is unfair and won’t provide contentment or as I look to call it, forever happiness.
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Hi Kulstar – I have been reading your posts on here and the amazing advice / support you have been providing ppl with. A few times you have touched on the emotion side and how drugs effect it. Can you explain more? I’m no longer with my former partner who is addicted to cocaine. 20 years together and 3 children, but he has never been able to overcome the devil for 12 years now. The last 3 being the worst. He uses daily along with drinking alcohol. He had a 2 year affair when we were together which broke me. He’s showed very little remorse for his actions instead in some ways he goes on as though it hasn’t happened. He has little interest in kids now which again I can’t understand as he was a good dad until the grip got tighter. It’s like he burries his head in the sand and pretends all is normal. He has no contact with the kids sometimes for 5 days to a week, but has time to stay clean for a day and go and see his affair partner (which he still tries to keep a secret) rather than getting in touch with his kids. When he does turn up he acts like everything is normal just like he’d seen them yesterday. How can a drug change someone so much where they are motionless and just don’t care? I struggle to get my head around it
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This is exactly how our marriage sounds too 20 years and 3 children and he doesn’t seem to care he has huge
Debts and was lying the past few years at least I just wish he could take some of Kulsters advice too
I hope you are ok and hope things improve for you
I am separated from him for only 4 weeks and he hasn’t contacted our children as yet they are all teenagers x
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Hi Tarab
Hope you are OK. Would love to say at some point things are improving, but don’t foresee this. Certainly not anytime soon anyway. It’s a constant cycle of torment. When he appears to show interest you think there could be some light, but then boom disappears for days doing his own thing and kids are forgotten. It will be a wk tomorrow since he last spent time with them and I mean by time a cpl of hours. It’s sad he’s missing out on his kids growing up and on life really. It’s no way of living. He can’t truly be happy. It’s like looking at the same person, but he is not there inside. Difficult to accept that the person you knew and loved is no longer that person anymore.
Hope you are doing OK x
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Hi there thanks so much and I totally feel your pain I will message back later on a full reply I am struggling big time and grieving for him x message back in couple of hours
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I think that three to four weeks clean is such a short time, your husband must be really suffering, but hopefully this will gradually get better. I cannot condone your husband’s awful behaviour towards you, but we always lash out at the ones closest to us at times. I agree that maybe saying that you will support him in his recovery but will not accept the abuse might help? You must be feeling so angry with him, because none of this is your fault, he is the addict.
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Is he getting any help or is he just trying to do it on his own?
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Hi Lece13
Any mind numbing / changing substance (alcohol included) has the ability to change the neurological pathways within our brains. So ie the risk reward system is altered to such an extent that you can’t see the damage you are causing. Also to the point of how you’re negative behaviour is being rewarded internally. I also refer to this is as Beast v Spirit.
We all know what sane individuals who have loved behave like. Once the substance of choice takes control it then alters this person perception of what is acceptable or not. Like for example I now perceive my previous behaviour as downright deplorable and completely unacceptable. Back then I was still me in the same body however because the substance had taken hold I couldn’t see the truth of my behaviour until I had my epiphany. The reality then became all so clear. I was using because I was actually broken inside and looked to blame external circumstances for my ill conceived choices.
When I talk of emotions being numbed the person taking such substances doesn’t feel what we would normally do. Like now I know I didn’t give my children their best Dad, now it seems it like such behaviour would be completely alien.
Also emotions – there’s a lot to be said about giving good vibes off which you receive back. I wasn’t able to register any positive vibes other than that found in a line of coke. I had forgotten how to love and what love looked like.
Once you see the beauty in the world you receive positive emotions back all day from the moment you wake up to the moment you sleep. It’s all about tuning into the right wavelength or frequency of emotion, once you get that right, life is more amazing than you could ever imagine.
When he turns up seemingly normal there is a struggle internally as he knows yesterdays behaviour was unacceptable but he can’t face the truth so just behaves normally to get over what he should be facing.
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Thanks for the reply! Its difficult to understand when you are not the affected person. You question yourself and if your actions have further fueld the addiction i.e. the nagging, arguing, thowing him out the family home. Has this furthered him down the path of self distrust, causing him to no longer care, no longer love, cheat, lie etc.
Surely he must still be aware of right from wrong? Is it that you are numb, so no longer feel the same level of sadness, pain and regret for any negative doings. Ultimatlely leading to lack of feelings, remosefullness and understanding of others hurt and pain.
Sorry for all the QAs ????
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In no uncertain terms YOU ARE NOT AT FAULT.
Your nagging, arguing, throwing him out is as a result of HIS ACTIONS. Sorry for the block caps but the responsibility for all of this lies with him. Every action has a reaction, his actions have been negative so as a result your reaction has been negative. If his actions are rewarded positively by you he will never learn and continue on this ill path.
He is to some degree aware of right from wrong hence the short term normal behaviour so he can brush his previous negative actions under the carpet. I used to do the same, when I had been up all night sniffing while my beautiful family slept upstairs and my wife would come down in the morning I’d act like I had slept and all was normal. I’d do the usual normal morning routine (I’d even drive to the gym and log in so there was a record of me going to the gym – of course all I did was log in and come straight back out!).
I’d even sit there on my laptop pretending to work when she came downstairs. There were so many things I did that appeared normal but overtime my behaviour became more and more bizarre which then fuelled my wife’s behaviour towards me.
Now when I reflect, how else did I expect her to respond? I was simply taking the absolute mickey out of my wife’s love towards me. I was playing an evil game of seeing how much I could get away with, that’s no way for a man to behave.
Your points about numbness are spot on which is the point I’ve been trying to across.
Love can blind individuals and don’t be blinded by your man’s choices, he made them and now he has suffer the consequences. You can only help those who want to be helped and they have to accept they have a problem, not you…
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Thanks for your advice. It helps to hear the point of view of someone who has experienced it. I’m sure like myself others on here will find your honesty and insight beneficial.
I hope like yourself one day he has an epiphany, but to be fair I think he keeps missing it or doesn’t grab and keep hold with both hands.
Over the years he’s done maybe 6 – 8 weeks clean and then the devil has gained control again. Resulting in a handful of 3 days tops clean periods in the last 2 – 3 years. It’s such a shame how it overcomes a person.
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That’s ok. I guess I’m on the extreme end of where I was previously but only through absintance do you seek clarity and direction.
Problem is half measures don’t cut it, I went through this with my dear wife. Support, love etc however actually reality was it meant nothing until I wanted to change which only happened through severe conseqeunces. Whats the saying, cruel to be kind?
That person needs to grab life by both hands and steer the tanker towards a completely different direction. Sadness of it all is that there is a wonderful life waiting for all of us, we’re just blindsided with the baggae of alcohol and drugs. Blame it on whatever you want however really is you to blame. We all have it within us to change…
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Sending hugs Bellapop xx it’s not right that he’s treating you like this whatever his reason might be, it’s not your fault he got addicted to coke and you’ve stood by him and supported him. Do you think he could be depressed? I think it’s quite common when people stop taking it, maybe anti depressants could help xx
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