[lemonyjane75]

So three weeks ago I kicked my husband out as he went on a total bender and locked me and my daughter out of my house on the night of her graduation. After 1hour freezing outside and heating him falling we rang my son who lives in the next town to come help us brake in . On getting into the house my husband was naked laid on the floor red marks on body and the room smelt disgusting – there were stains on the sofa and carpet ! To say I was angry is an understatement. I left him where he was and the next day when I got up he was still the same . I went to work but came home and kicked him out . He was still intoxicated but got in his van and took his stuff and drove to pub. He spent the night wasted and slept in his van . He contacted me the next day to ask to use the bathroom so I let him we had a big row and off he went again. That night I got a call to say he had taken an overdose . I felt obliged to help him so got him back to my house made him be sick and looked after him . Since then I e let him stay on the sofa as I don’t want his death on my head. He has tried for 3 weeks been to see gp and rang changing lives they are seeing him at the end of this month . Yesterday he drank again but lied to me when I asked what he had drank as he was slurring he tried to pass it off as tired but eventually he admitted he had been secret drinking and sometimes sits in his van and has a drink !

I’m hurt and angry he has already lost respect from my kids and the grandchildren are not allowed to our house or to see him – I don’t know how long I can keep being strong my gp is worried I am struggling to get well due to the amount of stress I am under and keep getting re occurring infections. I love this man so much but how do I fight for a one sided marriage when all I get is hurt and upset

[donthaveaclue]

Hi

I’m sorry that you are going through this too.

In reply to your question – I don’t think you really can. You can’t fight for them. It has to come from them.

All I think you can do is be there for the person should they choose go take the steps to follow through detox and recovery. You have been drawing clear boundaries, which is great. He has been pushing you to break those, which obviously it’s hard not to do as you love and care about him.

Have you sought counselling or attended one of the groups for partners going through this? It might help you and prevent your own mental health worsening further. It is do hard not to get totally worn down by this situation.

I’ve been in a similar position as mine has had 2 suicide attempts one of whicj was nearly successful. I’ve tried hard to get help for him but there isn’t the inmediate type of help he really needed at that time and the onus is on him to get help, which he hasn’t been in a fit state or the right state of mind to do. The resources suggested by the CMHT and GP he hasn’t followed through and so remains in active addiction with severe mental health issues.

I’ve had to prioritise my own physical, mental and emotional health and that of our young child now. I accept he may kill himself through substance abuse or through suicide but I also realise that’s not my fault. I have done what I can do and ultimately he is an adult who has to take responsibility for his life and health.

I’m in the process of leaving.

I read that many addicts need to literally reach rock bottom in order to beat their addiction. My presence in his life is quite enabling even though I don’t mean to be and I also bring a lot of normality by keeping the house running amd caring for our child so he has been able to exist like this for a couple of years with nearly everyone else being oblivious to his addiction!

I accept him for who he is and have tried to be kind and understanding, this has done none of us any favours! I should have been firmer but I also realise that to a point it doesn’t matter what I do or have done… he will do what he wants as he has been and is governed by the addiction and nothing else.

I am now drawing those lines and boundaries even if he doesn’t realise it and one day soon be will be left alone with his addiction and demons to sort himself out. I think he will either manage to lift himself out of it by some miracle or continue on possibly getting worse.

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