[joemily]

So it’s happened again. This time I went to see my sister and my new baby niece straight from work.. he got off the bus and said he was going to a meeting. He didn’t reply to my texts or calls and when I got home he had locked the door and put the chain on, immediately suspicious because we never use the chain. He didn’t come to the door despite loud banging and shouting so his dad came round and cut through the chain. I then got inside and he was locked inside the bathroom, again odd because we don’t even lock the door when we’re both in so why would he do it when he’s home alone. He finally came out and I just said don’t insult my intelligence and he admitted he was on it. He can’t tell me why. I just feel so let down and don’t know what to do. Common sense tells me enough is enough but actually leaving is difficult in so many ways. I just hate this and part of me wishes I’d got out right at the beginning when I had the chance to.

[danman83]

Hows he feel now? Whats he said?

[joemily]

He didn’t say a lot. I asked him if he 100% wants to give up because if he doesn’t and he’s only doing it for me then there’s no point and it’s not gonna work. I tried to understand why he did it and he couldn’t tell me. He said he really wants to give up so I suggested he deletes all social media, stops seeing his friends at least for now because they all do it and puts me in charge of his finances. He agreed to it all but I said he has to want it because there’s no point otherwise, if he’s gonna be going behind my back to get money etc then there’s no point and he said no he wants to do it and he thinks not having access to his money will help so we will see

[danman83]

Youve done the right thing there. Putting him straight. Its a bit mad locking himself in the bathroom. Can you tell straight away when he has had it? My gf can tell a mile off.. im 3 week clean today and not thinking about it as much. Ive just ordered some chinese herbal tablets that are good to prevent drug cravings and depression. Ive had them before and they help.

[joemily]

Honestly no I couldn’t tell before but I’m starting to recognise the signs now.. he’s also (I think) started to tell me afterwards when he’s done it, he doesn’t try and cover up anymore. It’s just so difficult because if he’d been honest with me yesterday I would have gone home with him and helped him!

[georgia26]

Hi Joemily

my boyfriend relapsed 3 times in 3 weeks recently, after me saying how proud i was and he was clean from it for 6 months.. things are now back to where they were.

I just dont even know what to tell you, as me saying walk would be hypercritical – as i know how hard it is.

I left and went back home to my Mums the last time (tuesday) as he was on it, and there was absolutely no sense coming from him, it makes them completely disregard anything they have no feelings for anything but that shit when they are on it.

Ive spoken to many people, that have had husbands/Bfs with addictions, its not once been a happy ending – he’ll continue and this will be our lives for the foreseeable , so, you either accept it and try support him and prepare yourself for relapses or leave.

he wont change anytime soon – ive learnt that addictions come before anything, love/kids etc and trying to change someone, it wont ever work.

its devastating isn’t it – I dont know what to do anymore.. i was so happy and proud of him for 6 months you know, hes never been a full drug taker, he only ever did it like once a month but still, its still an addiction.

in the end, youre going to be living in feel like i do – you will feel like you cant go out after work, you will wonder if today will be relapse day, honestly i know the exact thing youre going through right now.

yeah so, my advice – having gone through this for 2 years would be, either accept that hes going to relapse and support him (as it will be a vicious cycle) unless a miracle happens OR walk.. as its a long rocky road ahead.

I wish you all the best, this group has kept me partially sane, some really nice people and good advice on here. I am glad i am not alone xxxx

[joemily]

Hi Georgia

Thanks for your message, it really helps to know I’m not alone!

It’s horrible isn’t it because realistically you know the advice you would give a friend would be to walk but actually doing it is so hard. I don’t want to leave him, I love him and for me it’s not even the relapsing that gets me the most because I know that will happen. It’s what happens when he relapses that’s the major problem – for instance locking me out of the house etc. He can’t do that now as his dad sawed through the chain to let me in but god sometimes I just think is this really my life? And it’s scary.

He promised me that he wants to do it for him and I told him that this is his last chance because I can’t keep doing this. I’m not expecting a miracle and if he relapses then fine I accept it’s likely to happen, it’s more that if he’s not going to engage with everything like meetings etc then I’m not putting myself through it anymore because why should I break myself to help him if he’s not willing to help himself?

I hope you’re doing okay and things get easier for you. Have you ever tried going to a meeting? I know families anonymous have them but there aren’t any near to me unfortunately or I would have tried it xxx

[georgia26]

No I emailed the care team on here this week – to ask if there are meetings near me, like this week for me has been breaking point, i truly was so fixated on the fact he was ok now and stupidly thought he’d miraculously recovered from his addiction. I shouldve of been so naive.

For me, this really is the last time – and he knows it too. I cant physically ruin my own mental health, I havent ‘put it on the line’ as even when you threaten, honestly, when they go into relapse stage it doesnt matter what you say, it wont stop them.

take a look at this link

https://www.verywellmind.com/warning-signs-of-an-alcohol-or-drug-relapse-67895

it will help you spot signs of a relapse – literally my BF was showing all them signs, the day he relapsed he was trying to convince me i was the problem and i was obsessed with it because of my childhood truma – so selfish.. but i know its not him talking, even the next day he was saying ” i am so sorry, that was my brain playing tricks on me” I wish i could relate but i just dont get it, i have the most nonaddictive personality ever.

[joemily]

Ah okay – you can try looking on families anonymous too, they have lots of meetings all over the country 🙂

Yes well I think my partner also knows that I can’t keep doing this so I think he has understood that this is the last time.

What you say about noting the signs is interesting because he has been truly horrible this week, I hadn’t even realised that that’s a sign they’re going to relapse!

Yeah same here, I’ve never even tried smoking or any drugs so I really don’t understand but I try to…

Honestly don’t blame yourself or think you’re naive, I’ve done all of that but realistically you want to believe it and also unless you’ve been in the situation how can you really understand it? Xxx

[georgia26]

oh gosh, literally my bf was all of those things – they start relapsing even without realising apparently.. like they become depressed and anxious etc. I noticed all this in my BF and i just thought work was stressing him out a bit.

do you have any kids with him? how old are you? how long have you been together? i am 26, and i feel like i wanted to start a family and now i am like back to square 1.

Im so worried about my future, i cant live like this.

and its more common than you think by the way, i just think people dont speak about it as theyre ashamed.

the stuff changes people, massively, when my bf takes coke he is literally heartless – without coke in his system, nicest most caring person ever.

i know, you convince yourself things will change when in fact, rarely they do.. xxx

[joemily]

Yep me too! I had no idea and same as you just thought it was work stressing him out! We’ve been arguing a lot, I feel like I should have seen it now!!

I’m also 26 and no we don’t have kids but I was hoping we’d be in a position to start thinking about it in the next year but that doesn’t seem likely at the moment 🙁 we’ve been together for nearly a year but friends for longer.

Yeah I agree, the amount of times he’s left me stranded or whatever whilst on it when he’d never do that sober… it’s horrible and I know it’s more common than you think but I just struggle to talk to anyone because understandably my friends don’t want to see me being treated like this and will urge me to leave.. xxx

[georgia26]

ive been with mine for 2 years now, i was ready to as well – and obvs i worry i dont want to be an old mum really but i would rather be absolutely sure and kids wont change their addiction either – my friend an older lady shes like 50 (i know her through my hobby) her husband was a coke addict and she thought having a kid would change it, but it didnt.. hes now dead from it – sorry to be negative!! but it made me think jesus christ, really is this going to be my life.. I was so happy before all this.

my friends are the same, they dont understand – they come over and think i am being controlling if i dont let him sniff gear, they dont get addiction either. So naturally i have distanced myself from that too.

I dont even drink no more to support him, because thats a HUGE trigger for coke addicts – if he wants to quit he needs to make these changes, also social media stuff like that, you gotta get rid of it.

its good speaking to someone going through something so similar – thats so bad he locked you out, wtf.. mental – how is he the next day? does he get mentally unstable? xx

[joemily]

Yeah it’s sad because I’m the same, I always wanted kids before I was 30 and now who knows… I know a baby definitely wouldn’t fix things.

My friends thankfully don’t really do it so I don’t have that problem with them, it’s more that if they knew the extent they’d want me to leave and hate him. His friends definitely think I’m neurotic and controlling though but tbh I gave up caring what they think, they’re not great people.

He did give up alcohol for a while and I didn’t do it around him when he did that. He’s now agreed to give it up again so I won’t do it around him. He has deleted Facebook today. He’s also putting me in control of his finances.

Yeah it’s awful the things he does..

Yeah he gets really angry and down after he’s done it it’s horrible. When I was talking to him when he’d done it last night he just looked broken and it’s so hard to deal with it xxx

[icarus-trust]

Hi Joemily,

Just a reminder for you about The Icarus Trust. we are a charity supporting people affected by a family member’s addiction. You could speak to one of our trained and experienced people if you would like to. It’s good to talk with someone who understands what you are going through, and also would help you to know what other help is available.

You can contact Icarus Trust on help@icarustrust.org or visit our website http://www.icarustrst.org

I hope this helps.

All the best.

[Author]

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