[anna12345678]

Not sure that’s a snappy title but really looking for help & support.

I’ve been married for 17 years. The last 10 have been unhappy but I’ve focused on the children and kept my head down. When I thought my husband would become a father he just stayed the same and the alcoholism got worse and worse. My kids are the sweetest, I have a 9yo and twin 5yos…. and yes, in hindsight I should never have had kids with this person.

He’s a functioning alcoholic, drinks from 5pm and weekends from midday. He earns 7 figures and there’s a big house but a big mortgage too. I’m not overly worried about finances but custody – I’m scared of this man when he drinks and I was trying to be the shield but at Xmas he got in my space and said “who do you think you’re squaring off to”… since then I’ve struggled with anxiety daily. He’s never been violent, mostly just foolish/clumsy – holds the kids too tightly/falls over them, leaves doors/windows wide open all night. I keep the kids close to me, sleep on my son’s floor. I do everything for the kids, so they’d be devastated to be force separated from me for custody and I couldn’t tell them it’d be safe, that’s what makes me stay, my fear of the courts not keeping them safe, i.e. away from him. What if he took them on holiday – he literally is drunk on the plane!

I went to al-anon 5 years ago and read all the books… I still just want my problem to go away but it won’t.

I’ve made a first call to a divorce lawyer and the therapist we saw for marriage counselling a few years ago. In the meantime, I’m just exhausted, my mind constantly whirring on the consequences of staying or going… sometimes tears, sometimes shouty with the kids because my mind is so pre-occupied.  I’m terrified of what’s to come and I’m struggling to get a grip.

I was not anxious before Xmas but now I just feel panic. I can’t stay and I can’t go, I’m in so much turmoil.

HELP anyone who’s been through a similar situation?

[Harristotle]

Hi Anna, hope that’s your name as that’s what I chose for my daughter! I am going through similar currently, husband out of rehab last September, I stayed to let him settle worried for his mental health and his new job, weighing up pros and cons and terrified of being blamed for making a mistake should I leave while our child is still preschool age. Not seriously worried about money but life will be more work should I leave. And I am juggling other things outside of this. Its completely overwhelming. How are you getting on? Honestly hoping you are a few months further on than I so I can take notes but just reread the end of your post and am concerned it might be the other way around. Boundaries will help you. Set them, communicate them, stick to them. Addicts can still understand consequences. If you are not happy, let it be known, use i feel sentences backed up with evidence and explain clearly what you need, what you are willing to accept, what you are not willing to accept, and what you will choose to do should your needs continue to go unmet. Think about what those things are for you, write them down. Make above plan. Follow through. You will get your answer. You are your first priority, then your children as you cant rely on yourself to care for them if wore down to dust by your partner’s behaviour, and unsupportive partner right now is way down the list. You should not have to be hypervigilant re your partner’s behaviour in your marriage when you already have twins and a third. Sounds like you currently have a fourth child to ‘look out for’. I’m sorry. It sucks. How are you doing / how did solicitor go? Well done on booking that, big step whichever way it goes in the end Xxx

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