[kittenmitten]

Hi, my husband is a heavy cocaine user. Over the last year he has gradually increased his usage to daily. I have been trying to help him want to get sober but unfortunately it has gone nowhere and each time he tries he goes back to how he was using before very quickly.

Recently some of his behaviour has started to concern me and I was wondering if anyone else has experienced similar. He logged into my Google account and looked at my searches (at 5am in the morning). He accused me of having an affair. Now he apparently can see a link between when I spend money – apparently going to primark and then to morrisons is suspicious and he thinks I must be having an affair. He said he can see this pattern for the last 8 years on our bank statement. He can’t see that this is obviously insane. He has some story in his head about me buying underwear and then meeting someone for lunch at morrisons!

I’m obviously worried. I suggested he should talk to a friend and tell them what he has said to me. See if they think he should be suspicious.

He has been using for a long time, heavily for over a year and socially before that for probably 15 years or more.

[leedsjlc]

I have experienced this with my wife. She has been a recreational user for years but an addict for the past 18 months.

Her drug paranoia can almost be as bad as her addiction. She has always been a jealous type but when she is either using or on a bad comedown her paranoia was out of control. She was tracking my phone using my children’s iPads, following me, making up excuses to call me whilst at work, loads more.

She has reduced her usage over the past few weeks and it’s calmed but the main thing to remember is it’s not you at all, do not change your patterns or behaviours. I literally go from home to work and then to the shops, and back. Rest of the time I have my children with me.

It’s seriously hard not to get angry, annoyed and frustrated but I found just ignoring it rather than create confrontation worked better, especially if alcohol was involved aswell (by my wife not me)

Hope that helps.

Stay strong and keep being you. I have allowed it to change who I am and I am now trying to find my way back.

Good luck.

[kittenmitten]

Thanks for your reply. It does make sense to do nothing and not react to it. My initial reaction definitely was anger towards him – I mean honestly he is the one with the addiction and I am doing everything to keep things together for the family – I went into full martyr mode!

I think it also was because I googled the symptoms and was met with lists of side effects of paranoia – one of which is violence towards themselves and others. The fact that his suspicions are directed at me got me worried. I thought about suggesting he talks to his friend about it – like tell his friend what he said to me about finding patterns etc and that way he could see a reaction from someone who is not involved. Maybe it would help him see that this is another side effect of his drug use.

[leedsjlc]

One thing I have learned is that the addict will always push the blame for everything onto you / someone else. My wife would not take any accountability for any of the disgusting things she has done, and it was always somebody elses fault.

It is such a difficult balance as you really want to explode at everything they are putting you through, but doing that (and I have on many occasions) just makes it worse, I then learned to just bite my lip and let it pass naturally.

I use some techniques for anxiety and depression to help as the feelings we feel are allowed, and they need a way out, but learning to deal with it properly has helped me rather than allowing it to manifest as anger / hatred.

The; patterns; as you call them that your husband has found are just something he has created in his head to try to justify what he is putting you through, my wife did/does the exact same thing. If i dare to mention her cocaine and alcohol abuse, she immediately deflects and throws some comment out about me cheating with numerous colleagues who have worked for me in the past, some 10 years ago! At first I would bite, now I smile and let it pass and i found that they have no response as they rely on the conflict to again, justify what they are doing. When you don’t give them it, they immediately go on the back foot and have nothing more to say, as we are the ones carrying all the stresses of keeping a family alive with all these difficulties.

Hope that helps. Keep strong.

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