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Right does anyone relate to these behaviours from addicted loved one
They lie
They don’t tell you where they are
They don’t answer the phone
They make you think it’s all your fault
You cant trust anything they say
They are a shell of the person you remember
They push blame onto you to people who don’t know what’s really going on
They do things that they would of never done before to hurt you
They don’t have any empthay for your feelings
They are very selfish
They manipulate you for money then when they have what they want , they don’t want to know you
Please add to these
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I think you have covered them all
Hope you are okay
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I
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Give it time you will start to separate your feelings I promise
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Because you are her crutch
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All of these behaviors ring a bell with me and my situation. It’s so nice to have others that understand.
I have been struggling trying to figure out what happened to my life in the weeks leading up to discovering my husband was using cocaine and what has happened ever since.
My husband and I were (so I thought) happily together for 3 and a half years. We would always tell each other how lucky we were and planned an entire future together. We had many goals and dreams of moving to Hawaii and starting a family.
This year he started a new “job”. There were red flags right away as his new “boss” was keeping him out partying until 5,6,7 in the morning. He said he needed to impress the boss and they were “networking”. These nights would randomly happen from time I time over a few months. The problem is he had not been paid over the course of the entire time. It was a sales position but there were no sales made and we hadn’t received any money for 6 months (my husband was at the office working 7 days a week for 12 hours a day trying to get this business going).
I tried my best to be supportive but this was so frustrating. Fast forward to March and my husband was still doing super sweet things for me like hanging up pictures of us around the house and telling me how much he loved me. A few weeks later in April he didn’t come home for a 3 day period (same time his “boss” got back to town) His phone was off and he was angry with me all of a sudden. Nothing like this has ever happened before. He blamed our sex life and said he didn’t know if he could do this anymore. A couple more weeks of him randomly coming home or not and really unusual behaviors like major mood swings, anger at me, random bursts of energy, sadness. And I found a text on our computer that said “the next time you do coke im punching you in the face” from one of his friends. It all made sense. I got him to admit he’s been using for 5 months although the said “only a couple times” which I think is a complete lie as I’m 99% sure he was on it when I found out. I’ve caught him in many lies since. I did not see this coming. Since then he’s said he cannot commit to coming home anymore. He’s said he “doesn’t see this working out” and it was “gradual” and “I don’t think it’s gunna happen” for our marriage
To me the problems only began when he started using the drug (working long hours, small personality changes like big ego and all around meaner attitude). Everyone we know would be in complete shock to hear we’re not together. Like I said completely out of no where. I’m having such a hard time trying to understand if this is him speaking this or it’s because he knows he can’t live this drug life with me. He’s pushed me away completely and I’m the only one here that loves him that sees the problem. Ive told his family in hopes they would help but they think when they talk to him “he seems fine”. The real him would never act this way or say these things. He says “we’ve never had chemistry” which is such a lie and so hurtful. He worshiped me before. Loved me so much before all this happened. Not to mention our entire savings account has been drained in the process and he has no answer to where the money went. I’m at a loss.
I understand that this all happened but when I speak to him on the phone he sounds normal so I have a hard time figuring out if this is the real him or not. I know probably not but it’s hard when you don’t have answers.
He seems completely delusional and oblivious to everything that is happening but has a new job and seems to be functioning normally otherwise. When he found out I had been prescribed anxiety medication he asked “is it because your homesick?” What?? Does he not realize that he just completely left me out of no where with no answers and all of our money is gone? Ugh.
I feel like I’m now addicted to reading stories on this forum in search of answers since he doesn’t provide me with any.
Thanks to anyone who reads it feels good to be able to relate!
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I can relate to all of those things too. It keeps me going coming on here and reading things I could have written myself although I’m truly sorry for those going through it because it is hell on earth.
I don’t know the man I married. I actually don’t know if it’s the cocaine or the way he was secretly. There was a lot of selfish behaviour prior to when the cocaine got really bad (I had no idea and it never crossed my mind to be drugs). But did I ever think he would do the things he has done to me? No. Nor our very young children.
Even sly things.
I can add a few extra thoughts:
They can’t see rationally or reality (and blame everyone else/you – gas light you even)
They act extreme instead of rationally to get their own way
They look different physically
Avoid responsibility sometimes not in the obvious ways
They can be sly – which is different I think to a lie because it’s more calculated
They ‘hate’ you yet they can’t leave you alone
They play the victim and latch to anyone who falls for it whilst pointing the finger of blame to you
The hardest part is how they somehow turn it around to you. Our relationship, etc etc. It was over years ago so they say yet they don’t walk away?! And in my case there were many an opportunity but I had no idea it was cocaine and thought it was a blip and with no concrete evidence of anything (although I could see it crumbling but was led to believe it was my emotional state) I wanted to desperately save my marriage!
How I wish I’d ran for the hills and never looked back because the web they weave is invisible until you are thoroughly tangled in it.
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They make you their enemy
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Absolutely!
Denial- they agree with their behaviour when they’re slightly sober but then a few days/weeks/months later you’re the one making up stories!!!
I’m so angry and frustrated, I just hope that one day he gets help and sees all this, but I’m not holding my breath!
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My “husband” (separated now) is always telling me I’m making stuff up… things he’s said about me, drugs, anything. These horrible things are engraved in my mind and his response is I NEVER SAID THAT! I don’t know where you’re getting that from! I’m not even arguing with you on that one! It never happened! They make you think you’re crazy and it takes a big toll on your mental health. I’ve been listening to this podcast called “love over addiction” (you can just google it) it’s been helping me a lot. Take care of yourself – you are what’s important and it’s up to us to grow from all this. Xo
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I’ll listen to that!
You’re right it’s soooo draining, every day I get messages and phone calls accusing me of all sorts, calling me vile names because he believes his own paranoia! I’m slowly becoming a shell!
Thank you and you take care too and you’re right, we can only learn and grow stronger hopefully xoxo
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