[heartbroken88]

Is it possible to ever recover from a cocaine addiction? And be able to trust someone who has had this addiction ever again?

Especially when it has been a secret addiction within the marriage and they have become particularly nasty and completely abandoned/ don’t care about their family (young children) and responsibilities?

I don’t know the person my husband has become as it’s destroyed him for two years and I have only just recently become aware of it but it explains so much of his behaviour and attitude. I don’t want to make excuses for it like ‘it’s the drugs’ but I can’t believe he would be this cruel / nasty / emotionless to me and the family he apparently wanted.

Anyone who knows anything about addiction, recovery or can relate I’d really like some thoughts to help my own.

[notmyrealname]

I don’t know about recovery as I’m at the same point as you where I feel let down by him and don’t know whether he will ever get the help he needs. I also feel exactly that I’m not sure I know him anymore. But no I don’t think people actually become cruel etc as at times my husband has managed to not take any cocaine for a while and he’s exactly back to his old self and then people he knows will actually tempt him to take some as it’s a big joke to them. It is a very powerful substance and they don’t know how to resist it, the changes in him aren’t deliberate to you it’s his brain/body. It’s not an excuse but everyone thinks it won’t happen to them and this is how it gets so bad.

[smarker]

I’m sorry to hear your story. I’ve been in the same situation also. Cocaine is such an evil drug. My partner was massively addicted. But he denied it for months, to the point I had no other choice but to leave. It turned him into someone I didn’t recognise. I’d had enough, more difficult for those with commitments and children I understand but they becomes a point when you have to stop and put yourself first. Maybe me leaving was the push he needed, he was rock bottom but I had to leave for my own sanity. He is now 6 months clean, no cocaine/alcohol nothing. I’m very proud of him.

But he needed to want to stop for him. If they don’t they will continue to do it and push away those close to them as they are ‘in the way’ of it. My partner has been very honest about it now and he knows he bad he was and tbh he’s lucky I came back after everything but it’s difficult when you love someone and see how hard they’ve worked to make things right. I still worry for the future at times. Will he relapse and I don’t find out? Will he go downhill again and start lying? When lockdowns over will it start again? The damage is so deep rooted it’ll be a long time before I trust him completely. Maybe give him an ultimatum? It’s so hard I know! Stay strong xx

[notmyrealname]

Hi, you said your partner has managed to stop . How has he managed with the social side of things? My husband only seems to socialise with friends, colleagues even family who take cocaine or other substances. Of course I hadn’t realised this and now i have found out what’s been going on I have suddenly had to realise that he’s just surrounded by other users and I feel so outnumbered and helpless. With so many people giving him bad advice what change do I have of getting through. he’s had times where he really has wanted to stop and has been doing well but then got a bit lonely and met up with a friend and it all goes back round in a circle. How have you two got round this?

[smarker]

Hey, well my partners friends are exactly the same. All of them. But he has distanced himself from them all. He’s realised they aren’t real friends. He sometimes speaks to them but he’s very clear to them that he’s stopped and doing well for himself. I just pray when we come out of lockdown that it doesn’t change! ????

[notmyrealname]

That is great your partner has made a good decision, I hope that he can keep it up. Does he have friends at all now? Does he find it lonely? Has he made any new friends?

I found out that some of my husbands friends were actually selling it to him then he’s owing them loads of money on pay day. This wasn’t dealers that he became friends with this was people he’s known since he was a teenager who have realised how much money can be made so he’s found it harder to recognise being used and how wrong it is .

[smarker]

Nope not really, we have my friends and their boyfriends (that are actually decent men!) but other than that he doesn’t see or really speak to his own friends. Which I think has done him good. I’m hoping once lockdown is over and he can go back to the gym etc he will meet new nice friends ????????.. He knows they aren’t his friends anyway, they are on the wrong path and if he goes back to his old ways he know I’ll leave. So it’s his choice really. xxx

[notmyrealname]

Well my husband was considering trying to not see them but when he told them (over message) that he plans to quit they have started talking about supporting him and they would like to quit too, which on the surface sounds good, of course, but in reality means it’s less likely to work as it would be all the same places, situations and triggers which have led to him doing it. I’m not sure he can completely avoid them all anyway, a few work at the same place and he’s not about to change his job as he’s worked hard to get where he is and earns good money. Really his work place has a lot of people using substances and they do have a drug policy and drug testing but an addict will always find ways around this won’t they.

[swoop]

Your post gives me hope. Thank you x

[cxxx]

There’s no way out of it cos the fear is embedded into u so your on edge all the time & it is my partners mates that egg him on & they all think I’m a nag but there partners go home after a night out and don’t spend 20 grand in 3 months. Reading what everyone says I don’t think there is a happy ending

[cxxx]

That’s what I’m about he’s hit rock bottom living on someone sofa got nothing blames me for everything for not trusting him, but how could I when he was spending 500 a week on drugs, it was like looking after a child he would go to the shops not come home I would be hunting with my son to find my car.

I know in a few months he’ll be sorry & get help but I’ll be waiting for the relapse & I have to go through it again, I feel like I’ve lost my soul mate & my life’s finished I’m not in good place & he done this to me

[2468anyadvice]

Sorry you are going through a tough time. I like your question as I am going through the same problem with my partner who actually is an ex partner now. ( last week )

I have been with with him for over 12 years and its been hard.

I constantly think he will change he stops and starts all the time. It leaves me feeling so confused and upset. I’m constantly let down and I feel like every 3 months we go back to squares one. He has completely broken my trust and let our children down. I would also love to hear other insights on this.

He has been crying to have me back but then when I ask him to make changes for example stop socialising

with bad company and maybe change his phone number the reply I got back was if you are going to control me then this relationship won’t work he wants to be able to do as he wants… this I just can’t understand I’m not trying to control him I just want him to make good choices and try better his life. Is this a bad thing I’m asking… sorry to just go on but how can you help someone with an addiction and what are the signs that basically tell you to walk away…. please any advice !

[heartbroken88]

Thank you for replying everyone. I am relieved to know I am not alone.

Notmyrealname – sorry you are going through this too. I don’t know my husband either. I don’t know if I even married the man I thought I did. He has been using this drug for more than half of our marriage. However I never would have thought the man I married would behave this way toward his own children. He has been very cruel. Cutting us off physically and financially. I moved out of our family home before I found out about the drugs because I was miserable. I felt so guilty as I had no ‘concrete’ reason. Now I know I was right to think something was off. You ask the questions (well I didn’t about drugs because it never crossed my mind) but hey excuses or made to feel like it’s you being dramatic. But I guess I always felt there was something unbeknown to me. I just let myself believe he was struggling to confess he was struggling with the responsibilities of being a husband and father. Some men do so I’m told.

I didn’t have a support network around me and it was extremely isolating, (without Covid) and with two children under 2 I was really struggling and I couldn’t live like that – I just thought he didn’t want to be a father or husband. I thought maybe there was someone else buy that didn’t lead me anywhere so when I found out about the drugs I was relieved but I don’t think he was ready to really change – he was forced into telling me and said what I think he believed he should have said in admitting it.

I’m constantly even to this day being let down – he never prioritises us (over everything- work, his family) and it always hurts me deeply. I don’t know if that’s him or the drugs. Surely the drugs don’t explain everything.

SMarker – I am sorry too you are in this situation also. I have left him too but it seems to have done little to change his attitude although he says he has stopped using. He went through a month of being absolutely vile / cruel to us accompanied by him being really depressed so maybe he did stop, maybe he has re started and that’s why he is more communicative slightly now, but I just don’t know. He blames me/ our marriage for it all – he does it for escapism apparently. I find it hard to accept or believe this. Even worse to contemplate any future because it’s like he can’t cope with commitment or responsibility or life’s ups and downs. I know I havnt been perfect myself. I suffered after our children were born – I think I had a little of undiagnosed PND but he was very unsupportive whilst I was pregnant and ever since. His drug use coincided with just before I got pregnant. I feel like he has had ultimatums- I actually have started divorcing him. So maybe it is just me. It is so deep rooted like you say. I feel so let down by him hurt and angry that I just don’t have any patience for him. Because I also see he has hurt our children in this – they have had no where near the life I thought. It’s been a constant rollercoaster and upheaval for them – something else I feel I can’t forgive him for. I wish I felt less angry towards him but it’s frustrating to watch him just ‘not get it’.

2468anyadvice – so sorry you too are going through this.

I relate completely with what you say. My husband too would say I was controlling for pulling him up on his behaviour or asking him to make changes or asking him even simple things like what time he would be finishing work. I think it’s like a resistance to us because they know they are in the wrong and it’s to make themselves feel better – but it’s taken me a long time to accept that. At first I blamed myself for everything entirely. It’s been a very dark time. And like you I feel everywhere you look or read the answer is it never gets better or it does then it relapses at some point. So will it be 6 months, or 10 years… and I ask myself can I face this hurt again years down the line. It hurts like hell right now but do I want to go through it again and when my children’ will be more aware. It’s so so hard and definitely one of the hardest things I think anyone has to go through.

[notmyrealname]

That’s what I wonder if he was ever who I thought he was or if it has all been a lie, as the lies do get so much bigger and more convincing until eventually when you find out what’s going on. I find it difficult when I look back and realise how many problems have been down to this addiction, especially when I read all these posts and its almost identical to my situation. It’s unbelievable how it can poison so many lives. I have seen someone on another post who is in recovery and regrets his actions but I don’t know whether this is possible for everyone, as some people seem to take e drugs to escape other issues that won’t just go away whereas surely the ones who do it for ‘fun’ in a social sense can get out of this life if they stop socialising in this way.

[heartbroken88]

It is reassuring somehow isn’t it to read identical situations. It makes you feel more ‘normal’ in the un-normal.

You can kind of take comfort in thinking that most of their behaviour is typical drug addiction behaviour?

I have been very quiet this week, I’ve struggled. My husband and I are separated and living miles from each other. We are still in contact over the children (virtually only) he says he has stopped the cocaine, however I just know this not to be true. He has been uncontactable a few nights and groggy a few days. Typical behaviour of what I think to be the pattern.

He has also ‘forgotten’ Mother’s Day which I find deeply hurtful. My children are under two so by no means aware of the day & I am so so grateful just to have them & be with them but it doesn’t make it any less hurtful for me. it’s not about ‘stuff’ but I feel so hurt knowing my friends and family have ‘real’ husbands & fathers who step up & I just feel like crap and it just shows my husbands complete lack of respect for me especially as at the moment it is just me looking after our children because he isn’t capable. Every day I am on my own now just scrabbling to get through it not knowing what character he is going to play – jeckle or Hyde, or if he is going to cut us off again.

I don’t mean this to sound selfish or materialistic- I really don’t & im sure there isn’t a perfect family but at basic to have this stripped & to be abandoned is just a pain that is so tough to carry.

I honestly don’t think I can give him much more of my thought or energy because he is destroying me and in turn my family.

This is why I have been quiet on here, but equally it’s the only place where anyone can truly understand

[notmyrealname]

Yes I think that’s the hardest part when you first discover what they have been doing that you feel like there’s something wrong with you, that it’s your fault and you worry what people will think even though it’s nothing we are doing we somehow straight away blame ourselves and then funny enough as soon as you confront them they also try to put the blame on you- this is another thing that I have learnt is very typical of an addict. One thing to bear in mind as that we don’t know what all these perfect families may secretly be going through, all these ‘real’ husbands and fathers could be upto anything behind closed doors- as you know people don’t speak out about most things for fear of embarrassment and what will people think. Also maybe in future years when you are getting your life back together from all of this could you make people closer to your aware of how you feel having received nothing for mother’s day maybe a friend/family member will step in and help your little ones make a card or buy a little something. Or another thing maybe just make the day special for yourself, arrange something for the day with them and tell them it’s for Mother’s Day, make yourself feel special and important as you are just because he hadn’t appreciated you, you deserve to enjoy to day and you don’t need him to do that.

[heartbroken88]

Those are very wise words – thank you and very good ideas. I have taken control of the day. I guess it’s still all so raw because I am still accepting what is reality and the life and family life I thought I had doesn’t exist or has maybe never existed!

You are completely right in what you say and I was worried about writing that last post in case I would be judged. But it was a grief for a family situation that’s gone by, as I’m sure as I move through others, birthdays, Christmas I will need to process in the same way.

It is like the person has died. Because they have left and you don’t know what they have really left for. Any type of abandonment or break down is hard but it’s hard to comprehend that they leave for some white powder and put it above everything including the most precious things like their children.

And you do blame yourself and they are always happy to blame you.

[cxxx]

I can relate to that I see everyone in a relationship & I’m jealous of them, I feel absolutely broken & I see people out & they say has he disappeared again & I look like an idiot, I finally snapped and wouldn’t take him back but I’m devastated it’s helping talking to people on here that I’m not alone

[2468anyadvice]

Hello heartbroken88,

I am really sorry your going through a tough time. I read your post and feel what you are going through.

I like how you talk about the behavioural side.

I’m new to this site and the more I read the more these behaviours are similar as are the responses from them. And thats very interesting to know. I really want to inform my self more. You would think over 10 years of this I would be inform enough. But apparently not. Its a new horrible horra story every time. Only ever letting me and the children down. I really like to hear other stories/ advice it gives some kinda insight of I’m not alone and there is help and alot of people manage to pull through. It gives me a little hope that I can pull my self together it’s okay to feel horrible and torn apart. I must add that you are very strong and although still very upset you seem to have a good direction on what you want out of life.

I’m still trying to push my self and escape this mess.

All the best to you and your children and I wish you lots of happiness and peace x

[warriorgurl]

So sorry for what you are all going through. I’m new to this site as my bf promised he wouldn’t do coke when we got back together a few months ago, but I found out he did it last night and I just feel so sad and disappointed.

I think you (we!) need to be strong and not put up with this in our lives. As people have said, they have to want to do it for themselves, and put the work in. Stop triggers such as drinking and gambling, and stop hanging with people who do it. I hate this drug.

[2468anyadvice]

Hi and welcome.

Sorry your partner has let you down. It’s devastating to believe in them and trust them to find out its all been one big lie. I also hate this drug it doesn’t just destroy the user but everyone around them also suffers. What’s even more sad is they find a gate way out with drugs. While we sit here trying to rack our brains with all these questions and emotions.

Hope your okay.

[warriorgurl]

Thank you. Yeah I’m ok, just sad and disappointed and these feelings are all so familiar! I’ve been reading a lot of posts this morning and realised just how much of my bf’s behaviour is due to the drugs. Things like being overly defensive and blowing up over a single throwaway comments, and feeling like walking on eggshells but he throws it back at me and says he can’t say anything around me.

I hate this drug. I hate all the films that glorify and glamourise it.

Anyway, not trying to hijack the thread but it’s nice that we are not alone.

[faithnotfear]

Hello

As above i too am in a very similar position. About 2 years ago my marriage started going on to the rocks and the way my husband looked at me and the kids changed. He became heartless. Last year throughout lockdown he basically terrorised me every weekend to the point i threatened him with the police many times. I began steps to get him out of the family home and issued an ultimatum. Towards the end of last year he calmed down and we began patching up our relationship and over Christmas we agreed to stay together as things were not as crazy, though he still quite aloof and unpredictable. Just over 3 weeks ago he dropped the bombshell that he has been on cocaine for 2.5 years. His business partner had found out. I was so shocked i have basically had a breakdown and am now on some hefty medication. On the first day o put him on to cauk. So far i can’t thank them enough because the substance addiction is only a small part of the problem. With their support he is already changing for the better and i see a shadow lifted.

He is facing up to the harm he has caused and wants his life back instead of that horrible, sneaky lonely lifestyle he has been living. And putting us all through hell too. We have lived on eggshells here for many months and it is very, very hard to get to grips with all that has happened.

I have started to gain confidence in his recovery although i know it’s early days. I won’t however allow us to be dragged back and forth. This is his chance and i hope he takes it with both hands and does not let go.

I do see that he is glad to have his life back instead of constantly having that stuff hijacking his every thought. It’s something only they can achieve from within.

[notmyrealname]

I have never actually heard of cauk before because it’s only ever been me looking for help/advice which is where I ended up at this group

[faithnotfear]

I purely found cauk through chance of timing. I was given the awful news on a Saturday and so the gp was closed. I looked on nhs and saw various groups then asked him if he wanted to quit. He said he definitely wants out so i said i think the way forward is through meetings and support groups. To be honest at that point he was still in damage limitation mode. Anyway i found there was an online meeting the Sunday but i didn’t know if he could just show up. Then i saw a number you can call, an amazing guy answered and basically called me back a little while later, then called my husband. He got someone with a similar story to talk to him that night. This is now his sponsor and he is in meetings several times a week plus continuous contact with everyone to help him get started on track. Again, it has to come from within but these people truly understand from the inside what the addiction is like and he wouldn’t have even come this far without them.

[notmyrealname]

Wow Iv just seen the number of online meetings on cauk. Do they have to have their camera on to join a zoom? Or can he just join to talk or listen ? I bet he will say he won’t do it now anyway- I haven’t actually asked him I just had a look on the website myself so far.

[faithnotfear]

They certainly do have meetings very frequently indeed. They are an absolute godsend!

My husband was advised for the first meeting just join the zoom but camera off and just listen in. He was shocked really, like many addicts he didn’t imagine he was anywhere near as bad as the others. But they always say YET…. he didn’t YET lose everything and my husband has come within a hair’s breadth.

I told him straight… he either sorts the mess out or i sort myself andctge kids, and he is on his own. And i meant/mean it…. we lose the house that’s it! I’ll never stop loving him, or turn my back but i won’t go round the merry-go-round, not with the kids. This is as awful as it gets and it’s been hell.

I would suggest you ring the main number on the website and have a chat. If he really wants to get help they will call him and get it started.

My husband does a face to face on Thursdays and on friday he did his first proper share. I happened to overhear and though it was hard hearing i was also very proud.

He is 26 days clean and apparently that’s the longest since this whole nightmare began.

Without ca we would have rowed constantly and he would have been back on it by now and maybe lost everything. He is the breadwinner so no job, no house… no family.

They really are amazing.

[notmyrealname]

I’m just worried that hearing worse examples will make it less serious for him. He once had to go to a meeting and the other people there and even the person who was supposed to be running the class apparently told him he didn’t have much of a problem, and he has got much worse since then.

[notmyrealname]

Your right it is a lonely life even though they surround themselves with other users to give the illusion that they have loads of friends. When he doesn’t have money almost none of these people are around. And it’s really clear to see but he just pretends he can’t see that. Or sometimes even agrees with me but obviously that is short lived and he’s back surrounded by them once he’s got any money

[faithnotfear]

i should also say that the extent of knowledge of addiction is Peter from coronation street, watching Jeremy kyle and having known a few people in the past who have gone off the rails. The past few weeks have been one heck of an eye opener!

[notmyrealname]

This has been going on for quite a while with us but in the beginning I thought it was some kind of party habit and he convinced me it had stopped. it took me a long time to figure out the extent of things and to find out it was a regular day to day thing not on his nights out. Literally every person he knows is on it. Even family members, he has a rather dysfunctional family so I thought it was nice that he was close to a few family members til I found out they also use cocaine. I think I was quite naive to it all. I actually have had family members in similar situations in the past but as people usually keep this stuff secret I didn’t know any details. It’s only from having to sort of catch my husband out- (which is tragic to have to go to that when Its supposed to be the person you love and trust) that I have learnt so much. I have now found out so much and it’s heart breaking.

[faithnotfear]

Unfortunately their recovery is up to them. I was lucky as my husband wanted out although he was still in denial. After about a week it started to dawn on him. There are lots who come and go. It’s only when they hit rock bottom that they start to realise it’s down to them.

Do other family members know, or friends? I told close family and a couple of friends immediately and forced him to go talk to his parents. I think that helped him get his act together.

[notmyrealname]

The problem is when I first found out I thought it was very occasional so although I disapproved I didn’t actually make a big thing of it which was obviously a massive error on my part, but at the time I was obviously very naive to it, I didn’t really know anything about it and also didn’t realise he had such an addictive personality. I now know so much more. So all of this means I kept what I thought was a small problem to myself for so long, I only found out what a big problem it was when it turned out he owed someone lots of money, this has actually happened a few times since. I have spoken to a couple of people about it. It turned out his family already knew but they thought the problem had died down when he met me.they obviously don’t know very much about addictions either and assumed it would just go away.

Yes he’s somewhere between in denial and wanting to stop. The problem is that absolutely everyone he socialises with is into this- I know this situation has been designed by himself but blaming him for this still doesn’t help to get away from the problem. Is it realistic to think that a grown man can manage without socialising. Even the few family member he bothers with and any work colleagues he likes all use cocaine. I cannot believe myself the amount of people that use it, I thought he was lying at first when he said the people who do, but now Iv learnt more it’s obvious to see that they do.

[faithnotfear]

Unfortunately their recovery is up to them. I was lucky as my husband wanted out although he was still in denial. After about a week it started to dawn on him. There are lots who come and go. It’s only when they hit rock bottom that they start to realise it’s down to them.

Do other family members know, or friends? I told close family and a couple of friends immediately and forced him to go talk to his parents. I think that helped him get his act together.

[faithnotfear]

Sorry my reply played up as our internet is rubbish!

I don’t know what else to suggest. If he wants to get clean being around people on it won’t help. And he won’t manage it on his own. It will be hard enough with the help of cauk.

I hope you can find a way through this but if he won’t choose to get better then you might have to consider whether the life of chaos is for you.

It’s a horrible feeling and i would not wish this pain on anyone.

[notmyrealname]

Thank you I appreciate your honest, and even having someone to explain it to that doesn’t know him personally as it can be hard for someone who knows them to have an opinion or give any advice. Also the people I could talk to haven’t experienced any of this so it’s hard for them to help.

[heartbroken88]

I hadn’t heard of this either, so it’s good to have it as a reference. However my husband isn’t speaking to me now believe it or not so I doubt he is anywhere near ready to really change. He says he isn’t using but he hasn’t gone out of his way to prove that and unless there is proof I don’t want to know. For the sake of our children .

I’d love him to want to really change. But I fear he is too selfish and too immature at the age of nearly 40 even!

The pain is devastating and heartbreaking and even more so when there is what feels like absolutely no hope. Every day I feel like I am in a nightmare. I am having to accept that it is over completely between us and pray that I can protect our children from his ways.

[heartbroken88]

I hadn’t heard of this either, so it’s good to have it as a reference. However my husband isn’t speaking to me now believe it or not so I doubt he is anywhere near ready to really change. He says he isn’t using but he hasn’t gone out of his way to prove that and unless there is proof I don’t want to know. For the sake of our children .

I’d love him to want to really change. But I fear he is too selfish and too immature at the age of nearly 40 even!

The pain is devastating and heartbreaking and even more so when there is what feels like absolutely no hope. Every day I feel like I am in a nightmare. I am having to accept that it is over completely between us and pray that I can protect our children from his ways.

[notmyrealname]

If he wont speak to you, have you tried writing down your feelings? That was advised to me at a counselling session before. But they advised to not blame only to talk of how things make you feel (as you will see a running theme of avoidance and defensiveness from the addict.) I have actually had success before with writing rather than talking to him In the past, as it means your not arguing and shouting and can get your whole point across.

[heartbroken88]

I have to admit, unless you count texts (because we are living hundreds of miles apart) as writing it down then I havnt. But sometimes my texts do as you say – I spend time wording them to not blame (we had a few marriage counselling sessions too but I didn’t know about the cocaine at this point) but whatever I say be it calm, angry, frustrated, nice – it makes no difference. He avoids and ignores. He also has an issue with control which is why I think he also ignores and withholds on conversations to do with his children even financially supporting them. The problem is my husband wants it all his own way so as soon as a civil conversation turns to a subject he wants to avoid it ends.

I have reached a point this week – up until now I’ve wanted to still be in touch with him, let him see the children virtually hoping it will make him realise but it hasn’t. If anything he is worse. Emotionless. It’s too heartbreaking and we don’t deserve it as much as it hurts like hell to ‘write him off’ but dealing with him only adds pain and confusion and I’m about at my limit. Doing what I’ve been doing is only allowing him to stay in denial. I’ve felt to blame and guilty that I’ve not perhaps been more supportive because it seems an accepted thing in the area that he is in/ we used to live. I’ve recently confided in some family members who were unaware and their reaction has given me the small confidence boost I needed to realise he is very much doing something that is not acceptable especially when he has young children (which I know) but I feel up until this point his closer relatives havnt even acknowledged it as a serious problem & In doing so are also enabling him.

Stan4 that’s an interesting perspective and one that gives me a little more confidence in that what I am now doing (letting him go) is probably for the best.

[faithnotfear]

i am so sorry to say it but i think he is so far down the line that he will only at this point drag you and the kids down too. I’m so sorry.

As i have learned over thr past few weeks the family is addicted just as much as the actual addict. And we can’t control their addiction any more than they can. All we can do is focus on our own personal journey and protect ourselves. One day the people we love may choose for themselves to get better, but until then they will carry on the path of self destruction.

In cauk etc they will learn that addiction is a disease. It is a terminal disease with no known cure. The addict will continue to the death unless they can free themselves under the 12 step program of recovery. The first thing they will realise is that the substance addiction is a form of selfishness which they have put before everyone and everything else. In my husband’s case he has suddenly at age 41 realised his whole life he has put himself first. Long before he got addicted to cocaine. He’s done some very selfish things over the years to me and others. It’s always been him, him, him!

Now he has done this most selfish thing of all and absolutely devastated us all and he is completely shocked.. . he finally realised it’s not all about him and he is not the only person in the world.

I’ve unknowingly been enabling his bad behaviour but now i know, I’m not doing it any more.

His mess, his problem. He sorts it or we’re off!!!! But thankfully he was far enough down the line to have started to hate the life he was living but no so far he couldn’t get out. He didn’t see a way out til he got caught. 2.5 years of lying to my face. Looking back the signs were obvious really, but silly me i trusted him.

He has one chance from me to do this and put things right. Same from his business partner. I see he is glad to be out and spending time with the kids. Whereas before he was in bed all day or at work.

It’s been the worst experience of my life and I’m on a lot of meds now and getting counselling urgently.

Sending love and strength your way xxx

[stan4]

I feel awful for you all. There’s no way to win this battle from the outside.

This issue belongs to the addicted and can only be resolved by them.

I am currently trying to battle my cocaine addiction with great difficulty. I am a good person with a good family, this addiction has caught me off guard.

My wife is beautiful and she is fighting for us, but it is very difficult.

I wish you all happiness x

[stan4]

It sounds to me like you’ve made the correct decision. I hope it didn’t sound like I was trying to justify his behaviour.

Good luck with everything.

[stan4]

It sounds to me like you’ve made the correct decision. I hope it didn’t sound like I was trying to justify his behaviour.

Good luck with everything.

[stan4]

It sounds to me like you’ve made the correct decision. I hope it didn’t sound like I was trying to justify his behaviour.

Good luck with everything.

[faithnotfear]

i suggest you watch this vid and check out stephen hilton too xxx

[faithnotfear]

i suggest you watch this vid and check out stephen hilton too xxx

[faithnotfear]

ugh it took out the link.. search for we separated when he relapsed from Stephen hilton and laura clery xx

[heartbroken88]

It sounds like we have very similar situations in length of time it has been a secret form us and our husbands ages. It’s reassuring actually to hear that he too is selfish like mine – I was worried it was something separate to the drugs (which of course it is because it too came first) but as in it explains the personality. Sorry if that is offensive to anyone but it makes me think it is way more than just the cocaine he needs help with.

I thought my husband was in the same place – realising that he has messed everything up and wanting a fresh start. But he still blames me – and I am not perfect I’ve gone through a lot separately during this time in having our children (we struggled to conceive and I had a awful pregnancy and birth – dealt with newborn babies hundreds of miles from any support network then a pandemic) and he tells me I was difficult to live with. I’ve had my own counselling for this. I’m sure I was but a husband should support / talk not go in his man cave to ‘escape’ through taking cocaine. It become increasingly more frustrating between us because I could see his responsibilities being neglected and me left carrying a lot of the can and starting to resent him whilst being told he was working hard to support us so leaving me feeling very guilty. I put on hold a good career to have our family so I was vulnerable in a lot of ways because it was the first time I have ever had to rely on anyone financially.

It’s all manipulation.

I find it extremely hurtful when I do speak to him when he wants to see the kids virtually because I am completely irrelevant to him. I think it’s because I pull him up on his behaviour and the truth hurts. He is a terrible father his children don’t know him nor does he know them what they can do say favourite things etc. Yet I think he thinks checking in briefly makes up for him completely abandoning all his responsibilities to us. He hasn’t proved he is clean nor has he proved he is doing any sort of programme and i feat because he is not answerable to anyone but himself right now the drug use won’t or hasn’t stopped.

It is so so tough but I also think he is too far down the road.

I didn’t think stan4 you were making an excuse – the opposite it validates that he is what he denies he is

[faithnotfear]

omg the damned man cave grrrr…. yep!!!!! i hate that room now, and he also told me in that room too…as it’s out of the way from the main house!!!! i knew he was sneaking around and even tried catching him out, but i just thought maybe he was watching blue movies and hitting the gin. His temper was so insane it was best to steer clear of him last year.

One thing that i have found helps is trying (difficult though it is) to be objective. For one thing i try to view the problems he has got as i would towards any other human, not the husband who has let me down and broken my heart. The other thing to keep to the front of your mind is that they are in the grip of a very powerful addiction which is completely dominating their every thought. It’s not personal no matter what they say or do. It’s not really even them talking to you because their body and mind is completely hijacked by this stuff.

I told my husband as far as I’m concerned he completely lost the plot that first time he sneaked off behind my back (we’ve used drugs together recreationally in the past at music events but promised it was always both of us or neither of us). He went temporarily insane. He knew the risks and he knew what he was getting into. But that selfish little addiction voice in his head tricked him into believing he was entitled to do the drugs. The more he did it, the more guilt and the voice got louder too. He apparently nearly overdosed in his man cave on more than one occasion. But still the addiction made him carry on.

Imagine that… being so caught up in your own insanity that your wife or kids could have come down snd discovered you dead…yet still carrying on.

In your position I’d cut ties completely and just tell the kids daddy is too poorly to speak at the moment. He needs to hit his own proper bottom before he will realise.

xxx

[heartbroken88]

You are a better person than me – I can’t do objectively. I’ve tried all ways, granted not for long periods but I’ve played nice, calm, angry, frustrated and nothing dents him. In fact I think when I am talking to him at all it gives him reason to continue to do what he is doing. If I’m being nice it allows him to think there isn’t a problem, if I’m being angry (by telling him the truth of what he is/what he is missing with his kids) then it pushes him to do it more/ can’t deal with me. Any way I turn to deal with him it’s lose lose. I’m at the end of dealing with him. I’ve gone round in circles thinking I am to blame for my reactions to him but I’m realising whatever I do doesn’t matter because he hasn’t really taken accountability . It’s so hurtful

[faithnotfear]

Aw im not better than you, maybe just luckier because my husband genuinely wanted out.

It’s also self-preservation… he gets better, life gets back to normal and our future plans might still happen. If he can’t get better, or we can’t work our marriage out then it’s very sad.

I think he can do this and it’s worth being brave enough to let him try. Plus I’m not alone. I have family and friends supporting me. And anti-depressants, and counselling.

If he wasn’t willing then it would be a different story. If we lose this house and have to wreck the kids life i go it alone.

[heartbroken88]

Well I’m already at the point you don’t want to be at. I’m on my own with our children (both under 2) and he hasn’t seen them for over two months now. We have sold our family home that I left not realising I would never be going back (because I didn’t know about the drugs at this point and I will be having my belongings and my children’s moved for me).

Even if he wanted to try our home would Be gone as I understand it can be a trigger to be in places they have used.

Going it alone is the hardest and saddest thing I have ever had to do. I have days where I just don’t know how I am clinging on and I get so angry with him that he just doesn’t care. Not emotionally not financially- not anything. I get nothing except him wanting to virtually see the children yet he cut them off without a penny for over a 5 weeks (it’s not about money I know but I don’t work) and refuses to discuss maintenance payments with me – it’s his form of control and manipulation that I will continue to need him I think.

My family although disappointed and shocked would have supported us should he have chosen to act responsibly and accountably but he then went further off the rails after the admission (cutting us off, temper etc) so he has continued to damage and hurt us hugely.

I thought he wanted change but I think I just caught him out and he had to say what he thought he had to say. He is proven liar so I can’t trust a word that comes out his mouth. We have had no proof that he is on a programme or that he is even clean (he is saying he is but only when I ask him – he isn’t desperate to get his relationships back).

[faithnotfear]

Ah I’m so sorry, you really are living my worst nightmare. So sorry ????

I will say this though.. you will get through this somehow, being on your own with kids is very daunting at first but once you get used to having your own security and independence you might just find you like it a lot better than being stuck with someone unreliable.

I hope you’re getting plenty of support from family and friends as this really does take a massive toll on our mental and physical health.

As for him, hopefully one day something will suddenly click inside his brain and he will be forced to confront his behaviour. Until that point he’s just a shell of himself.

Be kind to yourself xx

[needing-strength]

I’m new to this chat room. I’m sitting in tears reading these comments it’s as if these stories are me. Identical lives yet I felt why me? Why only me? It’s reassuring to know I’m not the only one experiencing this. I have been with my husband for 20 years married for 17 of those. We have 2 gorgeous boys who have seen to much for a young age. My husband has ran up drug debt for coke , been abusive, controlling and bullying. He will go off to the bathroom many times while he is having a family day to snort in his own company. He has had seizures in front of my kids they have found him in states that u wouldn’t believe. They have found drug paraphernalia around the house and caught him snorting. My son was started on Ritalin for adhd. Unknown to me he had been emptying the capsules and replacing them with sugar then snorting my sons meds. I have left now but he still controls me as I’m dependent for him fir child care as I have no help or finances to cope on my own. Me and my kids walk in egg shells as his moods are so erratic. I just can’t see the nightmare ending. He is full of constant lies about how he will stop and that he hasn’t used for ages then I’ll find a rolled up note with coke residue in his pocket or a bag. And he will outright deny it even though it’s staring him in the face he’s a compulsive liar and it comes so easy to him. This makes me feel crazy as if it’s in my head. I’m at a loss and in limbo. I wish I could cut him from my life but he is my kids father and I would never use them against him. To all of u on this feed I hope u all get what u are looking for in life you all deserve to have peace and happiness x

[faithnotfear]

Hi Needing Strength,

I just wanted to say that i read your post and felt the utmost sympathy for you and your children. What a horrifying situation you have found yourself in.

It sounds like your husband is very, very deep in the illness of addiction. Especially tampering with your child’s medication.

You are very brave to have got out and i hope you have the support of family and friends through this.

I am fortunate in that my husband wanted out and is determined to get better. However at his worst last year he tells me there were times he thought he was going to die from it and the feeling that one of our kids could have walked in on him passed out or worse is utterly terrifying.

I’m so sorry xx

[needing-strength]

Thank you faith not fear. The sad thing is I feel he’s not hit rock bottom yet . He’s unrecognisable. I’m glad there are promising stories like yours where the partner wants to change. I feel when my husband says that he’s only saying it because he knows that’s what I want to hear. It’s one of my worst fears that my kids find their dad dead one day. I wish you and your family health and happiness on the road ahead. Xx

[needsomehope]

I cannot believe how similar our stories are. I have been with my husband 28 years and have four children. I found out in November that he has been addicted to Cocaine for around four years. Once i knew everything fell into place and it seemed so obvious but it hadn’t even crossed my mind. We don’t even smoke fgs! I didn’t recognise my Husband the last few years and was so devastated when I found out that i was in medical shock and am still on medication. He has been to rehab and is embracing recovery but the trust is completely broken and i am so angry for bringing this into our lives. My children are also broken and terrified he will relapse. I feel like life will never be the same again now and it really is like grief.

[heartbroken88]

Needingstrength I’m so sorry to read your story. It’s devastating isn’t it and I can relate completely. I’m pleased Roy were able to write about the behaviour- in being abusive and bullying. My husband was this too and very controlling. I was always one to stand up for myself as I knew his behaviour was off (I had no idea it was due to drugs) which I can now see made things worse. I’m trying to understand addiction as an illness but he is yet to really admit that is what it is to himself. I know he is planning on moving away from the area we lived in and he won’t admit to me he is still using but I think he is. Weekends are hit and miss, and I get the odd random replies to messages in the middle of the nights – just not normal.

I started divorce proceedings but despite him saying that’s what he wanted (because the cocaine was an escape from our marriage apparently- I can believe some of that because I was at my wits end of his behaviour and skirting responsibility!) he hasn’t replied to anything to do with it yet. I’ve tried – so hard despite this to get him to open up and he honest and find a way forward but I feel like until he gets out the normal he is in he has no intention of stopping and it will be a mask over it. I’m desperate for him to get help and despite all he has done and hurt us I just want him to get his act together for the sake of our children and if it really was the drugs making him so nasty then maybe much further down the line I might see my husband again but I think I am being very naive.

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