[jacjacjac]

My husband of 8 years has a cocaine addiction. It started when he was in his 20s before we got married, he was a daily addict and it got so bad I kicked him out. He got clean by himself (bar a few relapses) and I took him back, we got married and had two children together. They are 6 and 3.

I thought that part of his life was over but at the age of 35 he relapsed and is back in the throes of addiction again. Instead of using every day, he now goes on all night binges every 2-3 months where he is uncontactable. He’s spent thousands of pounds and there have been occasions where he has disappeared in the middle of the night and I’ve woken up and he’s not there. I’ve stopped all access to cash (at his request) but he still finds ways to buy the drugs.

The last time he called me at 5am asking that I transfer money to a bank account as he owed a dealer money and that he was in trouble. I didn’t transfer the money, it was all lies and he came home a few hours later.

My husband is a hardworking successful man who does everything for him family and I love him very much, but the addiction has changed his personality.

In the days after a binge he is sorry and tearful and appears to really want to kick the habit, but in the weeks that follow he buries his head in work and pretends nothing is wrong. He has tried going to meetings and counselling but he says they are not ‘for him’. He accepts that he has a problem but doesn’t want to be like ‘those people’ at the meetings.

If I try to confront him or discuss the problem he gets hostile and deflects the conversation to talk about something trivial that I have done or minimises the problem. It’s like talking to a brick wall. Even when we do have a meaningful conversation it’s all forgotten about the next day and he’s back to burying his head in the sand. Literally nothing I can say.

This has been going on for a year now and I can no longer live like this. The constant worrying, the shattered trust, the lies and the manipulation have just got too much for me. If he was in the right mindset then I’d support him in his recovery, but these relapses are his addiction and he’s not dealing with it.

He says if I kick him out he’ll go on a downward spiral which I obviously don’t want and my children will be devastated if he leaves but I can’t see him getting better without hitting rock bottom.

I feel as though whatever move I make now will upset my children. If he leaves they’ll be devastated but if he stays they will start to understand what’s happening and it will have a detrimental effect on them in the long term. At present he doesn’t use in the house and the children are completely unaware of what is happening.

My family are so worried about us but no one can give me any sound advice on whether he should stay or go. I feel as though I’m between a rock and a hard place.

Any advice is greatly appreciated.

[danman83]

Hi there.. im in the same situation as your husband… and i cant stand the stuff! Im lapsing once a month. And there are a lot of simularities with your story that are same as mine. Cocaine makes you do stupid things and its like the devil on your shoulder. Coming down off it, it makes me depressed and suicidal , and i have kids and i regret it all the next day.

Im doing various things to keep me occupied.. ive took up reading, more sessions in the gym, i listen to coke recovery stories. A bit of russell brand and his addiction stories.

But i lapsed this weekend after a month again.. and today i had a hypnosis session for £85 for 2 hours, and thats all i need to stop and he had great reviews! So fingers crossed it works! Feel free to ask me anything

[jacjacjac]

Thanks for your reply, I’d love to hear how the hypnosis works for you please keep me updated.

You sound very determined in your resolve to quit which is great and the fact you have taken the time to read this forum and are taking active steps to recover is fantastic. I see cocaine as the actual devil that has possessed my husband and I have genuine sorrow for anyone with this horrible affliction.

The problem is my husband is too proud and will not accept it is something he has to work on every single day.

If he, like you, made his recovery a priority and I could see real positive steps I’d support him 100% but the reality is he’s in denial and nothing I say will help.

Best of luck with your recovery.

[ash2013]

My husband went to hypnosis, but was still on coke daily, so it was pointless.

How are things today? Been thinking about you x

[danman83]

To be honest he really does need to want to quit himself. Your right though.. it is the devil. Its such a sneaky drug, and it makes you cause arguments with your partner as an excuse to get it. Its a very clever drug and messes with your brain.

The problem is as well, the more money your earning the more you will tend to have, and the worse you will get. Its everywere now, its in every pub, people take it to work. Its easy to get dropped off aswell..

How much is he spending a week?

[ash2013]

Hi Jacjacjac,

You sound just like me and my situation.

I dont have advice, because I dealt with my situation badly, or at least it felt like I did. My husband is now 4 months clean and its like living with a different person, life is pleasant and calm. No more wondering where he is, what he’s doing, endless paranoia, panic attacks, that sick feeling in the pit of your stomach thinking what the hell am I going to do….. I suspect one reason you stay is because you know theres a good person in there, two – he’s the father of your children, three – you dont want to be the reason he self destructs, am I close to the mark?

How did he stop? Well I dont know really, he went out one night, didnt come home (regular occurance) I had been awake since 3am thinking the worst. He strolls in at 7am and I just break down. He sees that i’m not angry, i’m broken. Lightbulb came on and he stopped. HOWEVER, I do feel like i’ve been here before and i’m on tenterhooks thinking he’ll relapse.

I hate the drug, I hate his ‘so-called mates’ who hang off him when he’s using, but don’t actually care about him at all, I hate the fact that I’ve had to live with this on and off for the best part of 10 years (worst in the last 3). I feel angry with occasional users who don’t see the destruction it creates in family homes. I want stricter laws around it, I want to grass any dealer and user I know of to the police, its all consuming.

Theres a great song by Bliss n Eso, called Devil on my shoulder. Its worth a listen, I think its about someone with a drink problem, but it resonated with my husband.

Thinking of you, you’re not alone x

[b8988]

Hi jules,

My husband is 8 months clean. As you say life is now pleasant but for how long?

Everything is going well now between us, but I can’t help thinking it won’t ever be the same as he put me through so much. I questioned most of his decisions whilst he was using thinking “ was the behaviour him or all down to the drugs” rationally I know it was the effect that the horrible cocaine did to him as I’ve been with him 17 years and for 13 he was amazing until he discovered coke! That’s why I hung on. The hardest bit comes afterwards trying to regain some kind of trust and trying to let go of the past which is incredibly hard. I’m having counselling and it’s helping but it’s literally been the most horrendous last few years of my life.

[ash2013]

I feel exactly the same B8988.

I cling on to the good times, and I know I did that during the bad times. Not sure that helped. None of my family or his knew about the addiction either, so it was all on my shoulders. I work full time and I was basically a single parent, but worse as I had all the angst. I couldnt leave our daughter with him because I was scared he would do it with her in the house, I couldnt even ask him to collect her from childcare because I dont think he’d have thought twice about driving high. He was also taking diazepam in an effort to hide it from me, except I knew, I always knew and then I knew he was taking something to come down.

I’ve been with him 15 years, 11 years married. He did it occasionally in the past, but it got more regular, then 7 years ago he saw a dr, who he respected, and opened up to. He was put on anti depressants, and for a couple of years he was clean (at that time I fell pregnant) then over the last 5 years its been a rollercoaster. I’m ashamed to say that at points I have been scared of him, too frightened to ask where he’s been for fear of a blow up or the silent treatment. Its turned me into a shell. I’m getting better, but I’m still nervous to not say the wrong thing, even though he’s clean. Old habits die hard so they say.

I could do with seeing a counsellor, would you recommend a particular search criteria?x

[b8988]

I’m seeing a marriage counsellor but he focuses on us individually as well as a couple. I just googled marriage counselling and luckily found one that was non profit so £30 an hour, but I do manage to get loads in that hour.

I went primarily because I thought my husband could now be a potential cheat. He was the most loyal and trustworthy man ever but due to the explosive fights we’d have over his drug use, he’d think he didn’t want to be with me. He told me he didn’t think he loved me or the kids anymore at times, then the next begged me to stay as he did love me it was the coke that made him think he didn’t. Since coming on here I’ve noticed that seems to be a common trait! He would be paranoid that I was going to cheat and be jealous over ex boyfriends I’d had when I was a teenager. During one argument I told him I didn’t think he was attractive anymore and threw a cup at him.

He left me and went on to add loads of random women on fb, telling them we’d been split months and how he hated me etc. Although nothing happened between him or any of them, I think in his head he was planning on maybe leaving me, thinking his addiction could only be maintained if we weren’t together. Cocaine then came before me or our children. Trouble is he said when the drugs wore off his love for me came back and he’d feel ashamed, so to block out what he’d done, he’d take more coke!

I think his self esteem was at an all time low too and he was acting out as a confidence boost to see if he could get attention. By flirting with others every time he thought his marriage was in trouble. It was all so out of character. That was the ultimate betrayal though and the one that hurt the most.

The marriage counsellor has seemed to pin it all on his childhood, his mother left him when he was small and he never seen her again until he was an adult, he had different step mums in and out of his life and was left alone for long periods of time as his dad was always working.

He does seem committed to changing for good this time, I’m just hoping it lasts, I can’t go though it again! I have 5 children to think about! X

[ash2013]

I hope he stays clean honey. 5 kids, wow, you have your hands full.

My husband also told a woman that we had split up and that he had moved out at one point. He hadnt, we hadnt. I was on holiday with the children on my own because he doesnt do holidays. It was all the coke.

There are so many common themes, and having read a few of these posts, it seems mostly men that get addicted to coke, i’d love to understand why, maybe their brains are wired differently.

I don’t think there is always a reason, although of the people I know of that have a problem with it (around him) they all have depression, i dont know which came first, the depression or the coke use, but I think its a bit of a vicious circle. My husband had a good childhood, his parents are still happily married and his siblings are not addicts of any description.

I think there needs to be more education about this awful drug. Because its a behaviour altering substance, that causes so much misery.

Sending positive thoughts to all the partners of addicts x

[b8988]

So odd nearly all their behaviours are the same and eventually they all do/say or act the same way. So it must definitely be the coke.

We’ve always loved holidays, me more than him as I always need something to look forward to. Last year we lived apart, I was pregnant but couldn’t take anymore, he’d become reckless, even driving drugged up with our kids in the car. Obviously I didn’t know any of this at the time, I thought he had anxiety. Well I told him I wanted to go on holiday, he told me to go alone as he didn’t deserve one, he was a scum bag etc. I think now this was just so he could use for the week. Well I booked to go to Gran Canaria, my mum came for support and he was hysterical. He cried the whole week and was so bitter that I’d gone without him. See this is the kind of crazy mental abuse you have to put up with.

I love my husband, but as I said his past behaviour has made me feel differently about him. I’m hoping in time, that goes and I can feel the same as I once did towards him. However I will not go through it again! I can’t! I refuse to go back to the train wreck that I was also! Xx

[ash2013]

Slightly different because my husband wouldnt come on holiday, but when I did go I got abuse by phone every day, he was angry, upset, making accusations. So I totally get you there.

I now panic and have anxiety every time I have to go anywhere, if he doesnt reply to my texts I think the worst, I feel sick the whole time i’m away. I want to go and do things, but then I wish I hadn’t bothered, because the anxiety is crippling.

I love my husband too, I cannot go through it again either. But if it happens I bet we will, because we will hang onto this current time, and be wishing that time back again. xx

[b8988]

Get yourself to an al anon group, since I went there I don’t worry where he is. If he’s gonna do it he’s gonna do it, I have choices and so does he. I literally changed myself by turning the attention onto me and not him. It’s almost changed the whole dynamics of our relationship.

I bought the book co dependant no more by Melody Beattie that was an eye opener into recognising my own unhelpful behaviour xx

[ash2013]

Thanks 🙂 I will look into that. I know that part is my problem, not him and I can’t control him, neither do I want to. I just want a mutually respectful relationship.

I bought the book, Hope Street by Amanda Andruzzi, that was an eye opener too. Although I feel like i dont have an ounce of confidence left. So its hard to be different. Just praying that this is the changing point. I know i’ve been here before, but I have to tell myself at some point when he stops it’ll be for good. xx

[b8988]

Oh by the way, my husband never had any kind of mental illness before cocaine. He was literally the model man. He never got down about anything, he treated me like a princess and was the most perfect father. Cocaine completely changed him.

I’ve read that the changes in the brain once a cocaine addiction takes hold makes ordinary things feel crap, it’s only when they take the coke that they feel some kind of pleasure. Then according to my husband it’s only the first two lines that are good and the rest makes you feel awful but you keep on doing it!

I didn’t believe him at first and thought he just had no willpower, it used to infuriate me at the destruction it had caused and despite everything he wouldn’t stop!

Now I know it’s couldn’t stop! It really is evil stuff! Xx

[ash2013]

You said this:

If I try to confront him or discuss the problem he gets hostile and deflects the conversation to talk about something trivial that I have done or minimises the problem.

Exactly the same as I went through. Deflection/gas lighting I believe this is called.

I was accused of having affairs with my boss, then one of his friends…. but the flip side reality was that he was seeing someone, so in his head I must have been too.

The thought of having an affair and adding to my lifes drama was about as far from my mind as it could have ever been! I didn’t have the energy to deal with daily tasks, let alone have any inclination to play away!

[jacjacjac]

Thanks for your replies ladies.

It seems so unfair that we are the ones with the constant worry, stress and anxiety as well as the responsibility of our kids. My husband doesn’t have a care in the world as he’s burying his head in he sand.

I see him kind of like a child, unable to make responsible choices and this is not how a marriage should be. A marriage should be for the mutual support of each other…. this just isn’t right.

I’m the same as you Jules1980 I don’t leave my kids with him anymore so I basically have no social life. He says when I go out in the evening it’s one of his triggers so I’ve stopped going out at all.

I’m so glad your husbands are clean right now and I pray for a happy ending for you both.

I heard a great analogy recently, that as soon as a person takes cocaine it’s like a seed is planted in the brain.

You water the seed by continuing to use cocaine and it grows into a tree, getting bigger and bigger, overtaking more and more of the persons personality.

The only way to kill the tree is to stop watering it (using cocaine). As it shrivels and dies and more and more of the person comes back.

Eventually all that’s left is the seed, which will always be there but is totally harmless as long as you don’t water it.

Sending lots of love xxx

[ash2013]

How are you today Jacjacjac?

I feel for you with such empathy, you truly are living my life. Its almost comforting to be able to talk to people who relate to me. I talk to friends, and they all say, just leave him, what are you doing staying. But its not that easy is it.

I’m in a good place right now, but its raw and I wont forget the pain ever I dont think. its not like a bruise that will get better, its ingrained in my head, the difference in the way he speaks, the delayed responses because he’s trying to work out what lie to tell, the excuses as to why his phone has died, the sniffing, the pupils. Its a sad world xx

[jacjacjac]

Hi Jules1980 thanks for checking in.

I resonate with you so much. The constant anxiety, checking where he is 12 times a day, making sure all the bank cards are locked away means that I’m in constant fight or flight mode.

I’m at the point where I just want some peace to be honest. I’m getting to the stage where I want him to leave my home.

I don’t know how I will feel when he leaves or how my children will react but I want to be free of this now. I’m done giving my heart and soul to someone who doesn’t even care.

He won’t use again for another 3 months, that’s how his addiction is at the moment but I can’t go through the process of forgiving him again just to get my heart broken for the 50th time. It’s like waiting to be punched in the face.

Have you ever considered breaking free of it all?

J x

[ash2013]

Hi Jacjacjac.

Good to hear from you.

I get the fight or flight mode thing, its like auto pilot, you become obsessed don’t you. But the reality is that we are powerless, nothing we can say will make any difference when coke has its hold. My husband has his own money and I dont control it, and tbh its not that we dont have money to live, which somehow is worse, because it enables him to do it. I actually think even if I could control his money (which i can’t as he has his own business) he would still find a way to get it, when its got a hold.

Do you know for sure he’s not doing it any other time? There were times when I wouldn’t have known, but I got some tests from amazon and tested him, every time I thought it, I was right, he was using every day at that point.

If your husband can stop for 3 months and just binge, is that an addict, or does he have limited self control? I dread invites to social events because I know that a drink will lead to that. At present hes not drinking either as he knows there is a correlation, at least to him. Like you I don’t go out anymore. I am meant to travel occasionally with work, but I put that off unless I absolutely can’t avoid it. In December I drove 250 miles, attended an event I had organised, and drove back 250 miles, got home at 3am, just so I didnt have to worry about him driving our daughter to school the next morning……

When your husband is off this latest binge/come down, talk to him, tell him how you feel. The problem is that they carry on doing this because the thrill at the time outweighs the consequences. He knows you’ll still be there, he’ll be able to talk you around, he’ll say sorry and you have to forget it. You have to think of it like dealing with a child, dont make threats you wont carry through.

I have considered breaking free, but havent because I know hes a good person without coke, I wouldnt want to be the reason he self destructs, I wouldnt want to have to explain to our daughter or family members why I dont want him to have her on his own… its all about them isn’t it – we dont think about ourselves.

How long was he gone for this time? and is he back? Just worrying about how you are dealing with it xx

[jacjacjac]

Our situations are so similar, my husband also has his own business and we are better off financially than we have ever been, but I think it’s actually worse because he spends more when he’s on a bender. He won’t stop until the money runs out which is why he doesn’t want access to cash or cards.

I’m like Sherlock Holmes when it comes to drugs so I know exactly when he’s used and when he hasn’t. I think doing this for so many years I’ve become super aware of the signs.

He’s 100% an addict, he has used daily in the past and once an addict always an addict. He clearly has some level of self control, and I would say these were just relapses on his way to recovery but he’s just ignoring the problem until it overwhelms him and then he doesn’t have the tools to fight it.

Has your husband tried meetings or counselling? Mine has tried both but never follows through, his heart just isn’t in it.

The latest binge came after I went out for a rare dinner with my friends. I left him with my kids, worrying the whole time. I got home at 10pm, went in to find him but he’d hidden in the bathroom and then bolted out the door before I could stop him.

Unbeknownst to me he’s got £200 cash from a job earlier that day, and the fact I was going out planted the seed and he couldn’t stop himself apparently.

He was uncontactable all night, until at 5am he called me saying he was in trouble and owed a dealer money and asked me to transfer cash to this dealer. I said no. Turns out it was all lies and he got home at 10am. That was two weeks ago.

I just don’t understand how he can have the self control not to use in the house while he’s responsible for the kids but he can’t have the self control to not disappear all night?

I’m terrified he’s going to have a heart attack or get into trouble with these scumbags he’s mixing with.

Your bang on about not making empty threats. I’ve threatened to kick him out so many times and he’s admitted that when he’s given in to the drugs that the little devil on his shoulder tells him I’ll forgive him like I always do.

I talk to him about how I feel all the time but he’s not receptive. It pains him to talk about it and he just clams up, he can’t even look me in the face.

I’ve stayed all this time because of all the reasons you’ve listed, but I worry about the long term effects on my kids. I also feel that if he leaves it will be the thing that is needed to finally kick his addiction.

I feel very bitter right now. I’ve always lived right and been sensible and it’s just unfair that we should have to suffer for our partners bad choices.

Do you have any support from family? My mum and sister have been amazingly supportive I can’t imagine going through this without anyone to talk to xxx

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