[poppy1234]

I need some advice, I have been seeing my bf for a year and have discovered he’s a user of cocaine…he takes £30 worth every week without fail sometimes twice a week… he’s told me he has a problem and doesn’t like doing it but can’t seem to stop…we have had issues in the start of our relationship with infidelity and him chatting on fb to random women but as we’ve got closer he’s stopped doing it and happily leaves his phone open in my presence to try and prove to me that I can trust him again. He’s a lovely man and we have a very loving relationship and I know he loves me but there is a different side to him when he wants to take it he gets agitated and lies that he hasn’t had any as he doesn’t want to disappoint me. I’ve told him to be honest with me as I’d rather know if he was taking it than him hiding away at home alone. His parents don’t know and I have been told under no circumstances do I ever tell them as itd break their heart but what do I do? It is always triggered by alcohol he never wants it sober.. he’s trying to stay away from his local but his friends go in there and he drives past the place on his way home from work so the temptation is overwhelming for him. He’s told me to text him to tell him not to go in to try and help him but in other occasions he tells me that I’ve put the idea in his head so I feel I’m fighting a losing battle…I don’t want to be a nag and I don’t want this to destroy us… but I feel it might eventually… the drug makes him incredibly horny at times and if im not there I worry he goes online for satisfaction or or worse he’ll cheat on me again one day. How do I have a relationship with this man? Do I stand by him and try to help him off it (he wants to but isn’t trying hard enough right now) or at least start by going longer periods without it or do I just accept it and live alongside it and accept this is him… I don’t think I can in the long run. I’ve done research on the drug to try and understand him and how I can help him, he’s tried a drug charity but they haven’t seemed very helpful surprisingly. Is anyone in the same boat as me? I don’t know what to do. He’s in his 30s and works i forgot to add… he said he’s been taking it on and off for years but it got worse during lockdown and now he’s trying to regain control of it again..

[ambaj24]

Hi I’m in a similar situation . My partner takes is every week or so. Wakes me up without me knowing he’s done it as he hides it as I’ve told him no he lied to me I knew he took it and he told me he hadn’t I wake up he wants sex and gets angry at me if I try and pull away because I don’t want to be with him when he’s on it like that it’s not him it’s like a different person. The next day he blames me and won’t accept he has a problem . He is the nicest caring guy I’ve ever known when he’s not on it but he’ll sneakly get it behind me back and I feel I am nagging him telling him I don’t want it in our lives but he don’t care . I feel your pain and how you are . The only way they will stop if they think there gonna lose you and not feel bad guilty or let it go because that’s what I’ve been doing and it’s got me no where . He is getting more paranoid . But best thing is to say enough is enough hard as it is but please let me know how you get on I don’t know what else to do either

[ambaj24]

And he’s in his 30s works hard but one time took it at work on his own and was completely of his but I rang him as he didn’t come home and he was sitting in the dark in the house he worked in on his own taking it and I think that’s sad I don’t feel he’s happy as he says he is and thinks it’s me that’s the problem I don’t know anymore 🙁

[jinn54]

Hi poppy1234, hi Ambaj24 ,

Reading your messages has reminded me of my 4 year marriage with a Narcassist and a cocaine/alcohol/weed addict . I lived on the edge. His mood swings his manipulation his demand for sex , the arguments the financial problems. I stressed myself out to the point i became suicidal. Bottom line is If he doesn’t want to change himself then there is nothing you can do to help. You will live a miserable life with him even though you are the victim you will be made to believe you push him to drugs etc.

most likely he will cheat and go on dating sites and watch pornography.

Best thing to do is leave him

[themidgetgem]

When I read your story it’s like I’m writing mine !! Why are all cocaine addicts the same ?? The girls the porn the messaging random girls thinking they are so wonderful

My husband has destroyed my mental health my self worth my dignity ! If anyone is reading this who is just finding out about their partners addiction … run run as fast as you can otherwise you will destroy yourself trying to fix them

Xxxx

[jinn54]

What are you doing about your husband

[themidgetgem]

I’m divorcing my husband . He’s abusive verbally tells me he hates me wishes o was dead .

Tells me he is single I’ve waited 2 years for him to sort himself , I’ve booked trips holidays meals and had them all threw in my face .

I’m lonely o do love him but who would put up with all that forever

[jinn54]

When you leave he will beg for you back and probably do it more .

[jj11]

I wanted my ex to do that but the fact is he moved on to another woman/women to enable his behaviour…. He has never been in a relationship longer than 4 years he’s 46

[poppy1234]

Hiya, thanks for your replies.. since I wrote this post he has taken it another 3 or 4 times it’s basically weekly without fail sometimes twice… any stressful situation and he uses alcohol as a way of coping. There has been occasions where he’s been up the pub and not done it as he is trying and he doesn’t want to be on it…apparently.. Anyway there was an incident the other night where he was on it and a message from a female popped up on his phone and I literally left his house at 2am I was so upset. The next morning he is absolutely distraught and is crying and saying how much he wants to be with me but sometimes when he’s on that he talks to people..(why females?! When I’m upstairs in bed) was a huge kick in the teeth.. anyway he’s back to the “ill never hurt you again” I have just about had enough but what keeps me with him is the man who is sober and is the nicest most loving person. I know he’s going to slip up again the alcohol and drugs I can handle if he’s willing to help himself but when other women are involved that’s disrespect after everything I’ve had to deal with…

[ambaj24]

Same as me just read your posts . He was up all night doing again went into his crazy paranoia moods . Watching porn acting weird I can’t take it anymore it’s happened time and time again as much as I love him it’s making me feel he don’t love me as much as I do if he can do this to me time and time again . It’s breaking my heart seeing him do it to himself . He was supposed to take me to a motorbike training thing today and got to of his nut I had to cancel as I could ent make it . Nothing is gonna work he believes there’s no problem

[jinn54]

They can’t take on any kind of responsibility. I was forever cancelling appointments and not attending events because of him .

He will only do things for me under pressure when he either knows she will kick me out now or either when i have kicked him out and he wants to come back . It’s always about them not us.

They don’t love us they only love their drugs and love what we do for them.

They are very insecure people .

Mine has tried getting me jelous telling me he has moved on with someone else and she’s apparently better than me lol . Good riddance.

[jinn54]

He will know there is a problem when you leave him when you make that 1st move and show him the door .

At the moment he doesn’t see any problem because it hasn’t effected him bcoz he is living his life just fine how he wants it.

It’s you who is being effected , it’s you who is having to cancel your motorbike training not him.

As long as he can get his beauty sleep and then when he wakes up you are there to comfort him that’s all good for him.

[ambaj24]

That’s very true thank you . Yes next day sometimes he gets up cry’s and leaves. Cause he knows he’s done wrong and don’t want to admit it to himself . At the moment he’s living with me with my parents as he’s waiting to his house to be sold so he can look for a place down here so he has nowhere to go which makes it even harder. I know he’s lovely when he doesn’t take that stuff but I can tell when he will and won’t tell me the truth and feels like the whole thing is a lie . And that he obvisoulz loves cocaine more then me … he last got a new phone to get rid of numbers of his dealer and magically he got on it again last night . Every time this happens I tell him you obviously don’t love me as much as you say you do cause you don’t want to get help . Just back and forth

[keskins]

Hello ladies, I hope you are both as well as can be in your current situations. I myself am currently in a long term relationship with an addict, he has used for years but we all thought he was getting better but it turned out he was getting worse, just better at hiding it. He spends about £100-£300 a week using which has put us in massive financial difficulties and in debt with the wrong kind of people.

However, what I have learnt is to accept him during his addiction. It is a disease and no one sets out to become an addict. He gets overwhelmed with feelings of guilt and feels unworthy as it is so I do not worsen that pain for him but instead he has admitted he has a problem and as a family we are trying to support him and lessen his drug use first. Sadly there is not a lot of help out there that doesn’t have a massive waiting list or isn’t costly. Every day is a battle for us and we both have different battles every day. We are trying to get to the root cause of why he began using in the first place and I have suggested counselling but he said he is not ready for that yet which tells me there are things he needs to unpack that he cannot face yet. An addict needs to feel supported and loved to help them toward their recovery. It is hard, my god it is hard but just know they do not go out of their way to hurt you and keep using.

I wish you guys the best and anything you may wish to ask or I can help with let me know x

[jinn54]

Exactly my point they love cocaine more and alcohol.

He gets up and leaves probably he doesn’t want to face what he did the night before.

My husband does the same and i can say the same that he is a nice person when he isn’t on his addiction but the question is how many days is he actually sober/clean to show that good sign.

Is it even worth the mental stress you are having to go through.

I used to sit and cry and wonder is he cheating on me and i not good enough for him blah blah ..

now I couldn’t care less what and who he is sleeping with.

They are waste

[jinn54]

Im not on here to break anyone’s marriage or relationships up , i just want to help others because iv gone through the same shit .

You need to accept this addiction is going no where and the drama’s that come with it will continue until he himself gets help and change.

You can nagg him day and night to change and help but it will make no difference.

You have to be firm .. either you live with this or you leave . Simple .

[shun5683]

Hey I’m so glad you said this.. I broke up with my husband in 2020 well he didn’t take the divorce good and end up finding a older female that did drugs and threesomes and whatever else. During the split he became different like really angry doing and saying things that wasn’t him like calling cps all kinda mean shit… i recently found out he is addicted to cocaine and has been in it over a yr.. he called and begged for help but he really didn’t want it and yes I tried cause we do have a son.. I’m learning this drug is all he care about and he will lie manipulate anyone to get it.. I was thinking he is crazy keep going around this female that introduced him to this life they fight call police they been to jail together everything. It’s really sad and stressful but I’m learning he will go anywhere he is comfortable and accept his bs lifestyle but until he hits rock bottom and really wants help it’s nothing we can do….

[ambaj24]

Thank you of course not we come here to get advice talk to people because I feel I have none to turn to talk to … he took again last night but try’s to say to me and turn it around I don’t want him and tell him the truth I don’t love him he takes it cause he’s got some financial problems bills etc but I said it will never make your problems go away . But I come back and more I read tour reply’s the more I know it’s the truth and will be the only way to help him is by being firm and harsh . Only we can decide and then at the end of the day it is killing me . Thank you all so much I don’t know who else to turn talk to and your advice where others have been through the same thing is helping me a lot

[jinn54]

Hi guys , sorry for the late reply . Hope you all are keeping well.

Jj11 if your man is hopping about from one women to the next women to enable his behaviour then that should tell you he doesn’t love or care about anyone more than his addiction comes 1st and also that should tell you he can’t cope on his own he needs someone else.

Poppy123 i feel for you because you desperately want him to change and make your relationship work. Well let me advise you from my personal experience you got to be cruel to be kind.

So put your foot down and tell him you are leaving or you have moved on because you have had enough of his behaviour and addiction, you need to make the change 1st and show him that to wake him up and make him realise what impact this is having on his relationship with you and he might just stop.

Bare in mind he can’t stop overnight he can only cut down slowly slowly and you will need to support him in that.

Iv been going through this shit life myself .

I simply walked away and put my foot down and my husband started drinking excessively and taking more drugs than usual because he had nothing else to turn to .

That is his only coping mechanism and when i finally took him back after his begging and pleading with me i was firm with him on his addiction. I told him il support him this one last time in coming off everything slowly slowly but he must not lie to me about anything he agreed.

So far he has been good and has cut down alot but we still got a long way to go.

We sat down and spoke about everything and he was totally open and honest with me about everything what makes him want to sniff and drink . So we are woking on it together.

I know my husband loves me a lot and loves his family with me and he doesn’t want to lose us so i use that against him and threaten him il leave again and this time forever.

You need to think of something that you know will make him leave his addiction for .

Please don’t get me wrong my husband isn’t totally clean yet he had some few days ago after a whole week but at-least he didn’t lie to me or hide it from me and he asked me if he could have some because he really was getting desperate for it so I allowed him and he didn’t go ott with it.

[ash2013]

Hi Poppy1234,

How have the past couple of weeks been?

I’m married to a recovering coke addict, he is clean from alcohol and coke for over 2 years, if I can offer some help I will. Feel free to ask anything.

Take care of yourself x

[thistim3]

ash2013:  Hopefully you are doing okay. You haven’t posted in months and our stories are very similar in some respects.  My husband began having different behaviors shortly after we became pregnant with our first child.  I was so sick with the pregnancy, that I spent days in bed.  Nausea and vomiting.  Despite this, I was so happy to be pregnant after waiting for years to finally have a child.  He began disappearing for hours everyday, irritable, mean, verbally abusive, no longer affectionate.  One minute elated that I was pregnant, then suddenly scared and lonely.  I couldn’t figure it out.  What was happening to him.  I thought about leaving as I suspected that he was cheating on me, but I was overwhelmed with pregnancy sickness and no resources.  I believe that I am now suffering with PTSD.

[jinn54]

Hi Ash2013 can you please advise us how your other half has done soo well for 2 years

[ambaj24]

Yes and me please

[ambaj24]

Yes and me please ash2013

[ash2013]

Hi ladies,

Where do I start?! Well we’ve been together 15 years, married 12. His use started at weekends, I’m not sure at what point it changed to beyond recreational, but it did, and you can see from my old posts all about what’s happened. It’s been a rollercoaster, and if I’m honest, if we didn’t have a child, I’d have run for the hills when I realised the extent of the problem. But I didn’t realise until after we had a child, or it got worse after that. Accusations of me cheating, shouting, massive paranoia, treading on eggshells, staying out all night, sleeping all day, hanging out with a crowd I didn’t have anything in common with (which made me a snob). My mood took a huge turn, and the stress of it all almost killed me.

But, 2 years ago it all changed, I’d like to think he saw the error of his ways, but I think it was partly that and partly our child growing older and noticing more, but mainly the fact he had started to destroy in his septum, this is years and years of abuse, like 25 on and off.

How did he give up: we did it at home, physically the withdrawal is ok, mentally it’s hard. He distanced himself from friends who did it, he spent more time at home with us, his family, he ate well, he totally gave up alcohol – I think this is important, at least for a while and then only to reintroduce it in a small scale. I don’t drink either now, although tbf I don’t care for it.

He had to make the decision to quit, nothing I could do could stop him. He talks about people he know who still do it in a negative manner now, his mindset has shifted.

He’s done amazing, I however have mental health issues still now because of the fear of it coming back into our lives. It’s pretty irrational but it’s there. I’m sure a lot of partner of addicts have this too.

I hope you can find comfort and hope in my story, it is possible to stop, but there’s nothing you can do to make that decision.

Sending love x

[jinn54]

Thank you soo much for sharing .

Im pretty much on the same scale as you .

My husband has cut down massive and has started spending more time at home with family and that’s mainly because i did put my foot down and i left him .

When we got back i told him straight im not putting up with his shit and il even help him come off the drugs and alcohol.

So we started small by him taking a little and occasionally only .

He stays home so i know what is going on .

We have a baby together and i make sure he is around to help out and keep his mind off drugs and alcohol.

He hasn’t come off drugs fully yet but he has cut down.

I too suffer from mental health problems obviously due to his negativity in my life .

I’ve learnt to cope with it over the years but if it gets worse im ready to leave him .

[jinn54]

Thank you soo much for sharing .

Im pretty much on the same scale as you .

My husband has cut down massive and has started spending more time at home with family and that’s mainly because i did put my foot down and i left him .

When we got back i told him straight im not putting up with his shit and il even help him come off the drugs and alcohol.

So we started small by him taking a little and occasionally only .

He stays home so i know what is going on .

We have a baby together and i make sure he is around to help out and keep his mind off drugs and alcohol.

He hasn’t come off drugs fully yet but he has cut down.

I too suffer from mental health problems obviously due to his negativity in my life .

I’ve learnt to cope with it over the years but if it gets worse im ready to leave him .

[jinn54]

Hi ladies ..

we all seem to be in the same boat .. fighting a battle.

Sometimes i think to myself is this even my fault , obviously not , so why am i having to suffer aswel as him.

If i leave my husband he would never ever leave drugs and alcohol. He will only get worse .

[jinn54]

Hi ladies ..

we all seem to be in the same boat .. fighting a battle.

Sometimes i think to myself is this even my fault , obviously not , so why am i having to suffer aswel as him.

If i leave my husband he would never ever leave drugs and alcohol. He will only get worse .

[keskins]

Yes I think you are right, your husband would turn to drugs more probably as he would feel abandoned. It’s a tricky one, the drugs do things to the brain that don’t make them think like they usually would or should. You should never blame yourself though and try to look after yourself as well, it can be just as hard for you as it is for him. First step is for an addict to admit he does it and/or has a problem. We have only just got to this stage after 6 months of thinking he was doing well.

Keep your chin up guys

Xx

[jinn54]

Thank you keskin , i am trying soo hard with him . I sometimes think let him go die and deal with it himself because he can be very abusive towards me sometimes and say nasty things to me.

I nearly threw him out of the house again . I took a deep breath and told myself we are in this together and he needs my support so i let the abuse go and he did apologise. He told me if i had thrown him out then that would have made him turn to drugs and alcohol more.

Well he is behaving at the moment so let’s see.

[jinn54]

Thank you keskin , i am trying soo hard with him . I sometimes think let him go die and deal with it himself because he can be very abusive towards me sometimes and say nasty things to me.

I nearly threw him out of the house again . I took a deep breath and told myself we are in this together and he needs my support so i let the abuse go and he did apologise. He told me if i had thrown him out then that would have made him turn to drugs and alcohol more.

Well he is behaving at the moment so let’s see.

[keskins]

Jinn54, it is very hard. My partner says horrible things to me as well but I know it is not him and that he is struggling. I feel guilted into giving him money for the stuff as well so that he doesn’t get his legs broken for owing people money. It’s a tricky one for me, do I buy it when he needs it or let him rack up debt which I will have to pay off anyway. Have you tried turning point for some support? I referred him to turning point and he is so far accepting the support so fingers crossed. How much is your partner using? Gives you a general idea of how bad the problem is?

Xx

[jinn54]

I don’t give him any money and I wouldn’t even if he begged me for it. He can afford it himself because he pays no bills and provides nothing to me with what he get’s paid so he use’s his own money.

I’ve lost alot in the past providing for him.

My house was repossessed i became homeless and he left me and went back to his parent’s house until I struggled so hard on my own to get myself a new home , then he came back crawling in my life with his sob stories and i took him back.

His drug habit and drinking got worse at that point.

One thing i have learnt is he will never ever change no matter what .

Temporarily he will be good so when he’s good im good with him too… the minute he starts giving me abuse i block him out of my life and let him rot at his parents house.

[keskins]

That sounds like a vicious circle you need to break, for the both of you.

Has he admitted he has a problem? Nothing will change unless he has and wants to stop. That is the only plus I am clinging on to with my partner, that he wants to stop and is accepting help from turning point. If your husband does want help you can refer him and they will contact him within 48 hours. I also found calling the FRANK line helpful as they suggested to write a list of things he could do to distract himself. If your husband wants to get clean there is help out there or I can offer some things we are finding helpful but unless he wants to, there is no helping him and things will not improve for you until he does xx

[jinn54]

Life is to live and enjoy .. not to waste on drug addicts and alcoholic’s and not to put up with their abuse.

They are the ones who need help not us.

My mental health comes 1st. I take care of me 1st because my children need me.

[jinn54]

Basically he won’t get no professional help.

He won’t turn to them he refuses.

Yes and no … he sometimes admits he has a problem and sometimes he says oh it’s not that bad , it’s only occasionally.

Anyway the problem is after two days he wants to drink and sniff.

He will sniff cocaine all night starting around 8pm to around 8am then sleep in next day ..then the 2nd day be clean all off drugs and drink and then the 3rd day back on it.

Is that addiction or not ?

[keskins]

Personally I would say he has an addiction but I am not a professional. He sounds like he does depend on them which I believe is addiction. The patterns are very similar for drug use. My partner will use all day then he won’t eat, sleep very well, is restless and then the next day he tries not to touch it and becomes low, eats or grazes all day, is low in mood, snappy and irritable. Unfortunately if your husband is not admitting a problem it won’t change if he thinks nothing is wrong or there are no issues. I don’t think I could be so supportive or stand by my partner if he wasn’t willing to face it and fix things but It’s a tough one x

[jinn54]

Sometimes he says he will change

[eddie123]

Dear Poppy, I am sorry to hear you are going through this.

There is an excellent charity that I know can support you – they have a remote family support group, and also provide free treatment for addicts struggling with addiction issues. To read more about them and receive the help please see link https://adaptoxford.org.uk/the-icarus-programme/

you can fill in the referral form on their website.

[keskins]

Hello Eddie, I hope you are well. I hope you don’t mind but I have had a look at your link and was wondering where you are based. Is it oxford? If so how far does your support cover? Thank you

[eddie123]

The family programme is remote so we support nationwide.

The programme for the addict is currently based in oxford. Eddie

[keskins]

Thank you Eddie. We are trying to get support with turning point but it’s a very slow process as while waiting, feeling very unsupported.

[eddie123]

The family programme is remote so we support nationwide.

The programme for the addict is currently based in oxford. Eddie

[eddie123]

The family programme is remote so we support nationwide.

The programme for the addict is currently based in one area. Eddie

[eddie123]

Please make a referral to Icarus / ADAPT and we would love to help.

[ambaj24]

Hi guys so update . Tonight we went to the pub and he had a call from his dealer which I knew he was picking up . I said I can’t do this anymore and he said it’s fine and smiled and thought it was no big deal. I said you get it I know what you picked surprise

He goes and gets it comes back and says I’m being moody . I left the pub walked home and said to him make a choice me or that I said you won’t come into my house if you take that if you stay your throwing it down the toilet . He said he isn’t gonna throw it away and thinks I’m using it as a excuse to get rid of him: how do I make him see sense . Iv tired and tried time over time to tell him I won’t have it and he’s picking that over us … to him he don’t seem like cocaine is a big deal help please guys I don’t want to lose him he has a lot of stress now house problems money . He said he would stop it all soon as everything is over stress wise . I said why can’t you just not take it and enjoy the night but he can never give me a straight answer and always thinks im against him

[themidgetgem]

Hi lovely

They will never choose you !! They will always choose the drug . Only they can help themselves , they have to hit rock bottom before they see what they had . I’ve been trying for 4 years trust me they never change it just gets worse . I’ve ruined myself trying to help the one I love . I know it’s hard I really do but for your own mental health and self esteem just leave now . If he wants to change he’ll stop and come back to you . I’ve left I’ve come back and now I’m stuck in limbo , it’s hell .

Xxxx

[scousecharlie]

Beer and coke together can pass hours and days at sometimes, relationship will only work if both of yous do it together, only way in your situation is to cut the night off when your ready and unfortunately it to get him to release that testosterone then will be a kip in no time just depends if you can put up with the activity to call it a night, or tell him to do it himself only way in my past experiences

[scousecharlie]

Can I ask and no offence, did yourselves sniff and drink with your partners husbands ? But yourselves stopped through kids/pregnancy ? So he’s carrying on the cycle but because yourselves have stopped for valid reasons they’re over doing it because they’re not having the cut off when you go the bedroom hence pregnant? Just an opinion no offence ?might make sense ?

[scousecharlie]

Can I ask and no offence, did yourselves sniff and drink with your partners husbands ? But yourselves stopped through kids/pregnancy ? So he’s carrying on the cycle but because yourselves have stopped for valid reasons they’re over doing it because they’re not having the cut off when you go upstairs hence pregnant? Just an opinion no offence ?might make sense ?

[scousecharlie]

Can I ask and no offence, did yourselves sniff and drink with your partners husbands ? But yourselves stopped through kids/pregnancy ? So he’s carrying on the cycle but because yourselves have stopped for valid reasons they’re over doing it because they’re not having the cut off when you go upstairs hence pregnant? Just an opinion ?might make sense ?

[scousecharlie]

Can I ask and no offence, did yourselves sniff and drink with your partners husbands ? But yourselves stopped through kids/pregnancy ? So he’s carrying on the cycle but because yourselves have stopped for valid reasons they’re over doing it because they’re not having the cut off when you go upstairs to “sleep” babies and kids eventually come along too ? Just an opinion ?might make sense ?

[scousecharlie]

Can I ask ??, did you sniff and drink with your partner ? But stopped through responsibilities arising So he’s carrying on the cycle but because routine stopped and they’re over doing it because they’re not having the cut off when you go upstairs to “sleep” babies and kids eventually come along too ? Just an opinion ?might make sense ?

[scousecharlie]

Can I ask ??, did you sniff and drink with your partner ? But stopped through responsibilities arising So he’s carrying on the cycle but because routine stopped and they’re over doing it because they’re not having the cut off when you go upstairs to “sleep” eventually come along too ? Just an opinion ?might make sense ?

[themidgetgem]

No I have never taken drugs , my partner knew exactly how I felt about drugs which is probably why he kept it from me for so long . My partner is abusive when he’s not had it or is on a come down . I will not sleep with him knowing he’s messaging other women because he’s under the influence .

[brighterdays1234]

Hi,

I’ve never done this before but I really am at a loss of what to do. After reading everyone’s raw and honest accounts of their experience with cocaine. I thought someone might be able to help me.

So I’ve been with my partner for 12 years. He’s always been very up and down. Several periods of drinking, contacting women and low mood. Then it blows up and I’m upset and he’s almost relieved and very sorry. This cycle has been going on for at least 8 years. We have seen couple counsellors on and off and he’s seen counsellors. Then over a year ago I found messages on his phone that he had arranged to see and go to a prostitutes flat while me and my two sons slept at home he got a taxi there. He was also on cocaine and said this is why he did it. But I saw messages that he never went through with it as he had gone in but had too much drugs so left and then asked to go back in for a massage. This obviously caused a lot of upset. I remained to keep going because I wanted it to work I wanted our family to stay together. Plus he said it was the stress of our business and my oldest son had just been diagnosed with ADHD and various other conditions and my dad had been diagnosed with cancer. So I wanted it to work.

Last September I felt his mood had dropped more and he was heading for a ‘car crash’ I tried to get him to see a couples counsellor with me but he wouldn’t. Then his mood started changing, very up and down, shouting angry at me and the kids. I got him to talk to the GP she gave him antidepressants and said he was depressed he took two tablets then stopped. He said he didn’t need them.
His mood was getting worse, he kept disappearing, lying about where he was  and by April the next year I was desperate for things to change. I then found out in June by a delivery of his that I opened they were plastic little bags. I confronted him and he told me he had been doing cocaine, he had sent 40k from our savings in his account on it and he was doing 10 grams 3 times a week. He promised me he would stop. He said he wasn’t addicted. I then found out he had been texting escorts off his phone. He said he hadn’t seen them or had sex just looking through and saving their number in his phone. He refuses to let me see his phone records or bank balance.

I stopped sleeping with him because of this and slept in a separate room. He says that I’m cold towards him which makes him want to use more. He has missed his own appointments for a ADHD assessment which I arranged. He did go to one rehab outpatient meeting and then left and met his dealer and went to his parents when they were on holiday and did drugs all night. Our business is going down the pan because he can’t keep up with anything and I found out he lent money to a drug dealer!! He admitted to me he is now spending £1,000 a week on cocaine but he’s not addicted he keeps saying. He says it’s because of our relationship and my sons behaviour. He’s not seeing his friends and this has been going on now for 11 months.
Yesterday he had chronic chest pain and couldn’t get out of bed. He wouldn’t let me phone an ambulance or GP. I phoned a rehab place for advice and the man reported that the amount he is doing he’s surprised he’s still alive. I got the man to talk to him about rehab but he refused and put the phone down. He got really angry and blamed me for everything. He then passed out and slept all day and night. I was so worried I went to his parents while the kids were at school and told them everything.
I’ve asked if he can stay there for a while. I told him I spoke to them and we want to help him. He got angry and left saying I want him to fail and I’ve sold him down the river. He’s now gone off somewhere.

All my family are in a different part of the country and I’m seriously considering selling the house and moving me and the kids there to have some peace and support. But is that selfish. I don’t want to stop him seeing the kids. I don’t want to make it worse or him use drugs more because of me.  But I’m concerned staying here like this I am going to get ill and my children won’t have the up bringing that I want them to have.

When he’s angry he blames me for everything and says I want him to use it and I think I’m better than him. I’m worried I have caused this somehow. Help any advice I would be so grateful.

My family don’t know so I don’t want to let them down either.

Thanks for reading this- sorry it’s so long x

[eddie123]

Hi there, this sounds like a very difficult situation for you and I am sorry. I know of a great charity that supports people like yourselves nationwide. The family support programme is all remote and they help many families a year. Please see link and fill in the referral and someone will endeavour to respond within 24 hours. https://adaptoxford.org.uk/the-icarus-programme/

They also provide free treatment if an addict wants to get clean, have a look at their website

[linnoiemclaren]

You urgently need to help your boyfriend because it can end very sadly.

[eddie123]

If you know of anyone who is struggling with a loved ones addiction, I know of a great charity that supports people nationwide. The family support programme is remote and they help many families a year. Please see link and fill in the referral and someone will endeavour to respond within 24 hours.

https://www.adaptoxford.org.uk/support

They also provide free treatment to the substance user if they want the support themselves( under the adapt programme on their website)

[SaoirseJS]

I know this is from a long while ago Poppy, but I just wanted to say that this story relates to me the most. The coke, the hiding the coke, the coke behaviour when he becomes overly horny and knowing if you aren’t with him means he will turn to porn, cam girls, any other female that will give him time of day in the early hours. He would blame me for not being there, and it would kill me knowing if I couldn’t be out with him to oversee the night… I knew every time he would resort to trying to message women on any platform he could. Asking who’s about at 4AM.

the emotional turmoil these people cause is crazy. It makes you feel crazy. It has had me to the point of feeling seriously suicidal. Even times I was there, if I had fallen asleep or was in a different room, he would do it whilst on coke. Everytime, I asked why. Why the other women. He could never answer.

what made it worse is that the days he was not on coke, he would be paranoid and accusing me of the same things he was doing. I have no social media accounts, and my phone has always been available for him to check. I wouldn’t dream of cheating on this man, even in his very worst stages I would not cheat on him. When he’s sober, mostly it would be great, and despite being positive towards him about laying off the drugs, being “faithful”, I knew in my heart it wouldn’t end. I hate hate HATE what this drug does to people. But seeing the man I love do the most hurtful things towards me, making my life a misery, has chipped and chipped away to the point I am just a shell of who I was. I’ll save the boring parts as I have already wrote my own story on my own thread, just to put my feelings into writing. If you are all he has, then yes maybe try get him the help. It will be hard, but he needs someone.

Most  of the time though, coke addicts have people around them who encourage the behaviour. Friends, family. Family often subconsciously enable their children/relatives – whether they are fully aware or not. If he has at least someone else in his life, then for your own sanity, leave. Love him from afar.

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