[naturegrrl]

I probably have to break up with my partner. I don’t want to but I probably should. He is a drug addict and has no intention of ever recovering. He’s managed to twist it so that if he “chooses” to use drugs, it’s MY fault, because I didn’t believe in him. But how can I believe and trust in the man that has lied so many times to my face? He has stolen from us. Has kept so many secrets and broken so many promises.

I’m now feeling like a weak and pathetic fool for putting up with this for so long. I feel like a cruel and selfish parent for exposing my children to this.

My partner’s addiction has made me hate myself. And I believe my children hate me now too.

I am shattered. I’m crying. I don’t even know why I’m writing this. I don’t know if it helps. I don’t know who will read this.

I wish for help. I wish someone could read this and help us. But I feel like I can’t ask anybody for help, because I’m ashamed for being so feeble. Ashamed that I’m putting my children through the horror of living with an addict when I could just leave him.

Scared to humiliate the man I love by revealing his secret. Who do I turn to?

I’ve tried to help my partner so much. Have begged, pleaded, etc. Meanwhile my own mental health is plummeting and goes unchecked. I’ve had to neglect myself and even my poor children to look after him, on numerous accessions. I’m tired.

I sometimes wish I could go back to before we met, and that makes me so sad.

Why do we put up with this?

[cherryb]

Hi, you are not alone,

It’s important you realise that none of this is your fault.

You love him and have continued to hope he will change which is why you are still with him.

My husband is also a cocaine addict. It has been devastating, heartbreaking and made me ill.

I have realised you stay because you hope in your heart he will realise the damage and want to get help.

It makes you ill and feel like you have lost the man you met.

It’s lonely and stressful.

I know you feel ashamed to talk about this but I strongly advise you to seek support. Confide in someone you can trust or access counselling – this is confidential and will help you focus on yourself.

You need to focus on you and make sure you are the number 1 priority. You have done all you can and you can’t change this – he has to do that. But I would advise you to access support if you can. This forum has been really supportive to me and it’s good to know you are not alone, people understand. You do have choices and your mental health is so important.

Don’t be hard on you – I’m sure you have been doing an amazing job, keeping everything together xx

[naturegrrl]

CherryB, Thank you most sincerely for your response. I was so scared i was just crying into a void, so it is very reassuring to hear from someone who knows what I’m going through. And yet I’m so sorry you have to go through it too!

Thank you for your words of encouragement and support. Do try to treat yourself with the same kindness, I implore you! If you don’t mind me asking, how long have you been with your husband? And did you know he had an addiction to begin with?

I didn’t know about my partner’s habit for about a year. But in retrospective it was so obvious.

Thanks to your encouragement I have a phone call tomorrow from a member of the Adfam team, as I referred myself to their services.

Have a safe and restful week. Hang in there!

[forgotten-girl]

Dear Naturegrrl

I understand your frustration but , from someone who’s been there myself, I know a fair bit about cocaine addiction. First of all, when he buys coke and sniffs it, did you say he does it/takes it in front of you? My experience with it was mainly because after my attack I found that it helped me talk about what happened, as well as my problems where as usually I couldn’t speak a word about any of it. Does he use the cocaine to talk and chat with you or his friends? This is NOT an excuse for him to do it by the way, but I may be able to help both of you if I know a bit more x

[naturegrrl]

Hi there, Forgotten girl.

I’m so sorry to hear you were attacked. I’m a survivor also, so big solidarity to you ????

My partner doesn’t use in front of me. He’s very secretive with it. He’s ashamed of it. It’s every weekend, Friday until Sunday. He doesn’t use it and socialise, chat about feelings, etc. He barely ever sees his friends anymore. He uses it and hides away, ruminates on bad thoughts, goes missing, drinks himself unconscious, cries, self harms. It’s so very destructive and it saddens me greatly.

He is so enamoured with cocaine. He watches TV shows that glamorise it, like Narcos etc.

He just loves it, even though it hurts him so much.

I really hope you can help us with whatever wisdom you have. But please, don’t worry about replying if you’re busy or stressed etc. It can wait. I understand.

Have a wonderful Christmas period, a better new year and stay safe ????

[forgotten-girl]

Hey sweetie,

Do you think he would benefit from counselling? And if you don’t mind me asking, how long has this been going on consecutively? (As in, almost every weekend) I’m surprised you haven’t sunk in to the same world? (I don’t mean that the way it sounded I’m just proud of you for holding it together) have you joined him doing this as well at any point? X

[danman83]

I tried councilling and it helped for 3 month. But the best thing to stay clean is C. A, any time you get cravings you ring your sponsor and sharing it and they talk you round. Sounds stupid but it works.or you ring other ex addicts.

But it might work with him. Alcohol is the biggest thing to trigger cocaine. The minute you have a drink you can be ringing your dealer. So if he drinks that will have to stop aswell.

Mine varys, it probably was every week at the beginning, have a few drinks at house party’s, then get some coke. But when the party’s stop, your addicted.. That’s what I learned from the councilling. And then you start using on your own.

So after I wanted to quit.. About 7 years ago.. I did my best not to use.. So was once a month.. Once every few week. But the triggers are always there and cravings. I guess if u want to stop and try your best it’s not as much. Don’t get me wrong I had it every weekend for a while. But the major effects of it or feeling suicidal, depressed for days. This is litrally within an hour of the coke wearing off. My friend hung himself on it in May. It causes Alot of suicides.

How do you mean joined him?

Feel free to ask me anything.

[danman83]

Hey there, I hope your OK. I’ve not been on here for a while. And I need to get back on.

So basically I’ve been struggling with cocaine for 12 year. For the last 7 roughly I just had enough and I have tried everything to stop. Hypnotist, self will, not drinking, taking up hobbies, cutting people off. I never ever used each day.. It was once every few week, once a month, sometimes once a week. I am still an addict tho.. You can use once a month and still be an addict. I never robbed and only paid for. What I can afford.

Anyway.. On boxing day last year I joined cocaine anonymous and I worked the 12 steps and got 4 month clean then I relapsed. My gf kicked me out of our family home. I lived in shared accom for 6 month. I got another 3 month clean then used, then 2 month. And I got a new 2 bed flat 2 month ago, and in the last month I had relapsed twice and now I have a new sponsor as I didn’t have one.

A lot of things got to me and I let the programme slip. But for your partner, he needs to want to quit for himself, or its pointless, he needs to quit alcohol for ever aswell, cut all mates off, dealers even family who use. He needs to implement good things in his life.

The cocaine anonymous programme works and working the 12 steps does aswell. I do meetings each day and connect with other ex addicts. It’s nothing to be ashamed off , there are doctors on the meetings, it effects everyone. I’m fully back into it now and its the best thing to stop.

Now going back to you, I think you need to do what’s best for you, me personally I’d move on with just you and your kids and you go be happy, your partner needs to work on himself. It’s just gonna be a vicious circle for you all. I hurt my kids when I left and it was a toxic relationship from us both.

My kids slept last night, I woke up clean and happy, I pray each day and meditate and this helps me. Your life will get better when u do what’s right for you and your kids.

Do what is right for your children.

My gf did the right decision kicking me out. But I want to stay clean. I just had a few blips the last few week.

I hope this helps. There’s so much I can say. That’s the best for now. Feel free to ask me anything.

[naturegrrl]

Danman83,

I want to thank you for your honesty and openness, and your bluntness too.

You should feel very proud of yourself.

Is it okay if I get in touch in the new year? I’d like to know more about the programme you’re on.

Wishing you a blessed and beautiful Christmas. Enjoy your day, stay strong and take care ????

[danman83]

Yes get in touch anytime. Regarding the C. A programme, we do the 12 steps. So.. Alot of addiction is from child hood trauma.. Some won’t believe this.. But there is a doctor on you tube called Dr gabor.. Who has studied this. He’s great to watch..

And on the step 4. We write down all our resentments from the past. It’s quite emotional and it can be anything. It can take weeks to do. Basically we need to get everything out. We share this with our sponsor what effect it had on us.. Basically it’s like having hot coal in your hand and if you keep hold of it/resentments. Its just gonna keep hurting you. We need to learn to let go.. And move on. So this helps with trauma. One step is we apologise in person who we harmed. This is hard but quite freeing. So this would be good for your partner with his past. Feel free to ask me any thin g or get in contact.

[forgotten-girl]

Sorry Dan man83 I accidentally replied to naturegrrl who, as you can see above, is having a similar problem with her partner so I was asking her if she has done coke with him, I’m sorry to hear about your friend taking his own life too, my sister hung herself and unfortunately it was my nine year old niece at the time who found her hanging from the loft because she ran in to the house first after spending the night at mine. Dan, I REALLY REALLY GENUINELY know where your coming from, except I used cocaine because it enabled me to talk about the attack I went through at the hands of two foreign men, I’m just grateful I had the strength to take it all the way through court, along with their DNA as well as cctv of me being followed and dragged down an alley, they got seven years, however, even then I found out in court that one of them had six sexual offences on his record in his own country! Yet, our government hadn’t checked this properly AND GRANTED HIM AND HIS WIFE AND CHILD IN TO OUR COUNTRY, he was in receipt of benefits and had a house that cost even more than my home at the time. Anyhow, after the sentence they received all of the support and care from the police etc just stopped. It was almost like they had their conviction, resulting in their “brownie points “ so to speak, and I was just left. I didn’t speak or wash even for around three weeks and ended up taking a HUGE overdose and I was so close to death they had to pump my stomach. I couldn’t sleep because I re lived as clear as you can see now, the entire beating and rape every time I started to sleep, I didn’t want to stay awake because I could physically smell them on me, then a friend introduced me to coke. For the FIRST TIME EVER I started to talk about what happened to me, but, it lead me down a path where I couldn’t cope or feel safe unless I had it in my system. Did you have a trigger do you think?

[danman83]

So sorry to hear about your sister, it must be heartbreaking, I hope your neice is OK. No child should go through losing there mum so young.

So sorry for what happend to you, the system is a joke and what you went through no woman should go through that. Are you still doing coke? It won’t be good for your mental health one bit with what you went through.

I have so many triggers, people, places, alcohol, even seeing keys.. Because I had coke off keys. Its about limiting your triggers and leading a better way of life.

I don’t know your full situation regarding coke. But your trauma will just fuel more using, if you don’t get help with what happend. That’s my opinion. I don’t know your full story and I don’t want to be saying the wrong thing if that makes sence.

But I guess the main question is are u using alot?

[naturegrrl]

Dan, sounds like you’re doing really well. Hope you had a good Christmas

[danman83]

Thank you. It was a clean one lol and was hard. Hope you had a good Xmas aswell

[lindyloo]

Well done Dan! No one said it was gonna be easy!

Stay strong, have faith and hope in yourself- and please keep us updated regularly and let us know how you’re doing ????

As always, I’ll keep you in my prayers ????

Lx

[danman83]

Thanks lindy. I’ve survived Xmas anyway lol. And that was hard. The kids stayed at mine last night. So I’ve just been playing bored games with them. It’s so much a better feeling than being hungover.

Just need get the new year out of the way. Have a lovely day

[forgotten-girl]

Dan

Thanks so much for your replies, it means a lot when you finally have someone who genuinely wants to listen to you, and because they are genuinely interested. So it’s also time for a little honesty too, mainly as I also feel comfortable discussing this with you two in particular, I feel like I have two people who care that I haven’t even met! I always ALWAYS looked down on people on heroin, I thought they were scummy people and I could NEVER understand why any of them would physically put a needle in their own arm and feel ok about it! (I was so naive I genuinely thought, and maybe you do too) that people on that sort of thing only took it by injecting! Anyway, after the attack, I kept smelling the men, it was a potent kind of lynx maybe smell that I thought I could even smell on my own skin! I couldn’t sleep as I said through nightmares, re living what they did to me every time I closed my eyes, as real as I can see my phone right now as well. I thought about nothing else while I was awake, there was just no escape. Then, the “wonderful “ man I met, had this pipe one night while I was in tears, he said, “smoke this, it will help you sleep “ and low and behold, he ended up opening about two of these wrap things that I smoked and he put on this pipe for me. I SLEPT AND SLEPT WITH NO NIGHTMARES! I was more happy than you can possibly imagine! So, the next night I asked for some more of “that stuff” after the third night, the next morning, I woke up and felt like MY BONES WERE BEING TWISTED AND BEING BROKEN! I cannot even begin to describe the pain and the feeling, I was sweating and shaking and he got up, put this stuff on the pipe, screaming at me to stop crying and put it in my mouth while he lit it, and, (my hairs are standing on end right now remembering this as I write it) within two of these pipes I felt the pain completely leave my body, by the time I finished the second wrap thing he put on it for me, I was ABSOLUTELY FINE!!! Which he then proceeded to inform me I was “now a heroin addict” now, you are both strangers to me, and anyone else reading this, but I take oath even on my (grown up) kids lives that what I just explained happened EXACTLY THAT WAY! I would NEVER believe that from ANYONE. I went from being a full time nurse, to a heroin addict living with a heroin addict and losing everything including all my savings within MONTHS. I’m DESPERATE to get away from him, but, every time I’ve tried to get away I’ve taken a hiding and I’m so scared. I think it’s more because he needs me to supply and earn whatever I can for him, which I have, EVERY SINGLE DAY, he has NEVER worked in 6 years. I’m literally suicidal. I keep myself spotless though, and my home, and I take oath I have NEVER stolen, I do these things to separate myself from getting too deep like I’ve seen so many girls who’ve lost respect in looking after themselves , their clothes and washing, my 24 year old and my 21 year old have disowned me because my mother who I’ve been telling you about had great joy in telling them as well as all the evil things I told you she’s put me through. I’m so desperate , but I’m now feeling there’s no way out for me, I have contemplated taking my life, I’m not an attention seeker or the sort of person who says these things, but from my point of view, I’ve had the attack, the violence with my husband who im trying to leave, my children have turned their back on me because of my evil mother , and every single day im sent out until I bring him what he needs. Im happy to tell you im now on medication called methadone which stops the pain, so I no longer take it and haven’t in three months, one week and two days. My real dad who im now in touch with has offered to get me a flat about five hours drive from where I currently live. Im so frightened of making the jump to do this, shall I be brave and go? I’ve no one left who cares if I live or die

[danman83]

Bloody hell, I hope your. I exactly thought the same with people on heroin. But I don’t anymore.. These were just normal people who maybe had a bad upbringing or said yes when they should of said no.. And by just saying that one word.. Yes… I’ll try some.. Is years of pain. But I look at it differently now.

Anyways well done for getting off it and weening off it with methedone. You should be proud of yourself.

Now.. You need get away from this guy ASAP. He’s got you on this crap, and he’s going to ruin your life. Your already talking suicide. Message your dad today and tell him sort it ASAP. Ask if u can stay with him, even if its on the couch. You need be away from this guy straight away. He’s a parasite, sorry for saying this but he is.

It’s the new year, start a fresh, move away, and stay away from anyone who uses. I don’t know your full situation with your dad. But if he’s a good dad ect.. Take that offer now!

I couldn’t think of anything worse for my daughter.

Also try and get some councilling with what you went through, because the drugs do take the pain away, but it’s short term and just makes it work.

I believe in you! So you can do this!

Be strong and take the leap. Everything will work out fine I promise. Fix yourself and everything will work out well. Even with your children.

[redfox20]

Hi dan, we have spoken before. Unfortunately my situation hasn’t improved well it lasts so long then he sadly relapses, he’s last one before Christmas as he wasn’t spending it with me & the kids this year, he was going to have them Boxing Day instead. I have tried everything forcing him, trying to make things work and live with him he kept disappearing to use. He moved out wasn’t doing good we sorted arrangements out for him to see kids he’s a good father and they are safe with him he’s not paid for them much due to he’s addiction but when he’s sensible he has, anyway long story short. As someone suffering with addiction what is the best way for me to deal with it? Should I cut him off and only speak with him when sorting kids out and remove myself out of he’s life will this help? Or try and be supportive which I have but it’s been so hard and affects me mentally have had bad anxiety because of all this. Once again thank you for your presence on here you’ve no idea how you help us. And welcome back ????

[danman83]

Hiya, it’s good to hear from you.

I guess if it’s making you ill mentally and giving you bad anxiety, then you need to just focus on your self. Because I guess the kids will notice it. If you are not with him, then he needs to get the support from a C. A or A. A group. I can’t remember what his addiction is. But I guess they are all the same. My ex now was sort of supportive when I was with her. And has not asked how I am or any support what so ever since May when we split up, and it doesn’t bother me. I need to do it for my self and I get the support from my groups, my new friends in the meetings and close family.

So me personally if he is a good dad, just deal with him regarding the kids. And you go and focus on you.and let him focus on his recovery. Hope this helps.

[redfox20]

Hiya Dan, hope your well & had a good Xmas & new year. Your totally right I need to focus on me as it has been affecting me for along time mentally whether I’m involved or distancing myself I can’t switch off worrying about him it’s really unhealthy. He’s addiction is cocaine he’s 32 been using since he was 16/17 got out of hand last two years. I have left the door open to him and said I won’t get back with him until he stops, my mum said i shouldn’t of said it as it makes me look silly and he knows this already. I dunno is it good give him hope of reconciliation? Sorry to hear she hasn’t been supportive, I know me personally talking to him about it really triggers me and I talk to others instead of him when it’s he’s problem which is silly. He is a good dad & person which upsets the most about this situation he’s letting it ruin him. He been turning up for the kids he had let them down once before didn’t show, he has them every other fortnight. He hasn’t paid last two weeks due to relapsing, he is trying but i think me being there isn’t helping so need to let him deal with it & hope me cutting him off gives him incentive to change.

[danman83]

What area are you from or him?

Is he apart of C. A and tried meetings?

No matter what, nothing will stop his addiction or ours, only ourselves. I hear in the meetings so many times and me,.. I couldn’t stop for my kids, my family, my job, my wife, my life… Its just grips people

The only thing that we can quit for is ourselves then everything else will fall in to place perfectly. So he needs have to hit his rock bottom. And completely surrender. Which is step 1 of the 12 steps.

I have and keep trying, I’ve had enough of feeling suicidal the next day, the money spent, days lost, things stupidly said to certain people. It turns you into something your not.

Sorry for going on lol.

How do you think you being there is not helping him if you don’t mind me asking?

He needs to connect to other addicts like me and talk each day to them through the meetings.

I can’t remember if he was apart of c.a or not, I’ve spoke to so many on here and forget we’re I am lol. Really sorry.

[redfox20]

Hi Dan we are from east London. I am familiar with CA he joined a zoom online once said all they spoke about was god & it was quote “a load of bollocks” he thinks he can quit himself but after relapsing more than a few times I think he has come to realise how hard it’s going to be, he was doing well about 6 weeks or so then relapsed before Christmas. I think me being there is enabling I don’t help him in anyway or give him money but him knowing I will always forgive he’s relapses I don’t think is helpful we’re stuck in a cycle and at times I have been codependent I am reading a book called “codependent no more” it’s about learning not to control others or outcomes which we cannot control. I wish he would listen and I could get him to speak with you, as you would really help but he is so distant he isolates or goes quiet every time before a relapse so I know he’s using that then sets of my anxiety big time it’s a horrible situation. He also is awful at communicating about it & gets very defensive. You’ve come such a long way Dan the knowledge you have gained ie triggers what to do it will help you & you will beat this it will take time but you’ll get there just don’t give up! You help so many of us on here your insight really helps us try to understand and you really do put our minds at ease!

[forgotten-girl]

Hi redfox,

Excuse me for replying to what you’ve written but I felt compelled to after reading your post. Firstly, EVEN IF YOU EVER DO END UP GIVING IN TO HIM, you must NOT feel guilty for that! I know from first hand experience trust me x it’s that look on their face when they need you, and, it’s even worse when you DO HAVE THE MONEY THEY NEED as well! It’s hard when you know you can give them that bit of happiness for a while xxx

[redfox20]

Thank you, i will try my hardest to keep my boundaries it will be so hard but hopefully it helps him realise and get the help! He has never asked me for money if he has it’s been like twice for petrol or cigarettes never enough to get cocaine it was two occasions and I asked for proof which he sent. It’s so tough and especially when you miss them I have wanted to ask him to come back home so many times but we have 3 children and he needs to get this sorted for himself and them without me in the picture. I wish you all the best, have read your posts, and you’ve got this! Please update us on how things are once you move. Much love x

[danman83]

Thank you so much for that. And tell him it’s not about God at all. We can have a higher power what we believe in. Mine is basically the law of attraction and the universe. Good energy and bad.. Sounds stupid but it helps me. My mate has his grandparents who have passed away. It’s your own higher power. Most will talk about God because that’s what they believe in. He just hasn’t done enough meetings to see this.

I totally get you, my ex didn’t mind me relapsing, she went mad, but never kicked me out, untill last year. So you play on it and think they won’t mind ect.. Plus her friends use it a lot aswell.

It’s so hard to quit on your own with out the help. He will get 3 months most on his own. Then you think I’m cured now ect.. I can have one drink.. I won’t get any coke.. Then bang.. Your back on it

The C. A programe is each day you stay clean for the day. Do a meeting, connect, meditation, do new hobbies. And it works.

He just needs to try. But that’s up to him.

Thank you for your comments they really help me. I remember you now lol.

If he ever wants my email just let me know. Can’t give out numbers on here.

[redfox20]

Yeah I did say about the higher power being anything like me the kids he’s future etc. I do think if he stuck it out it would help him as doing the steps is what he needs he has a lot of emotional trauma he has not dealt with and now the breakdown of our relationship and seeing the kids less surely adds to that hence more using. You’re right he has got to 10 weeks before only coz he lost he’s job so no money as soon as he was paid back to it, I think money is a trigger but he has had cash and not got on it and kept a job for last two months so he has some control but can’t stop it. I know he really loves me we are soulmates sounds soppy I know but this is the only thing that’s got between & we have been through so much and made it out together but this has broken us as it does a lot of people it’s so sad, but we have hope and where there is hope we can’t give up. You’re welcome Dan! Hopefully one day he’s up for the help and I can put you both in touch, i know some kick it alone but i personally think he needs it he has a lot to address. Hopefully me stepping away and meaning it this time helps if not at least for my sanity it sure will. x

[danman83]

Ye payday is a big trigger for people, I could just get it and owe the money so this wasn’t a big trigger for me. I guess it’s limiting how many triggers you have. It’s Hard and your mind tricks you so much aswell because it’s wants the stuff.

I cam believe your soul mates and that. But this crap just ruins family’s and people. I wish I never even tried it. And that’s why I go on at my kids about the dangers of drugs even alcohol. Alcohol is as bad. People just think because its legal its OK.. I really hope he sorts himself. Get him to try and read some true story books on addiction. People who have struggled and beat it. They helped me a lot in recovery.

[redfox20]

Hey Dan, he can go without it when he’s out of work for periods which is so hard to understand why he can’t continue with that but soon as he gets paid back to it, he obviously cant or just doesn’t want to. I think anyone he could of ticked off he’s owing them money so probably has friends buy it for him or new connects that want money up front. It’s so scary I have a 13 year old and I’m so upfront with him about it some may think it’s wrong but I want to open he’s eyes to what drugs can do to a person and any one as it doesn’t discriminate. It’s so scary i wish I had a magic wand to get rid of all drugs for good! It’s so hard all the information is out there but he was to want it and read it I don’t want to be preachy or ram things down he’s throat, I barely broach the subject as it just doesn’t change anything unless he wants to im at a loss. Reading certainly helps me, as insight is such a great thing.

[danman83]

I totally agree with you regarding your son and making him aware. I do exactly the same with my kids. The one advice to any kid is don’t even try it once.. And if you have any friends that use. Cut them off straight away. I wish I could turn back time. But it’s done now. So just have to move foward and make people aware of it I guess.

[forgotten-girl]

Hi Dan,

Well, firstly, WOW, (as crazy as it sounds I actually genuinely mean that) thank you so so much, for giving me the strength to see I’m not the one who’s done anything wrong, actually, I don’t mean that entirely, nobody is perfect, but I’ve spent the majority of my life making everyone around me happy as well as making sure my sisters all had enough food after the parties my mother would have every single weekend, all weekend. Anyhow, I learned a hell of a lot at a very young age, I remember mum being pregnant with baby number eight and me begging her not to have any more babies come out of her because I was always left with their cot in my room I shared with the other five kids, with no carpet, holes in the mattress where the springs had broken and cut us at night where they poked through the hole in the middle of the mattress! I’m sorry if this is too much, but you have no idea how utterly gobsmacked my friends (the few who have been there) would be if they knew I was actually saying this because I just can’t talk about it with them! Anyway, what I’m trying to say in regards to your beautiful message (I swear to holy god I was genuinely in tears, you really are a more decent, caring man, than I get the impression you give yourself credit for. I really mean that Dan. Do you know something, through reading what we’ve written, we know we are decent people, and I thank god that I didn’t get pulled in with such a dangerous drug as I’ve seen so many girls do, as with you Dan, your still managing to hold your job, you want to still be there for your family, basically, you and I aren’t that deep yet where we would sell our nan so to speak, We have a chance, and as for you, just from what I’ve learned through what you’ve written, I get this sense that things will change massively for you, please don’t hate me for saying this but I don’t feel your getting a lot of encouragement or being told how your trying as hard as you are, compared to being told every single wrong thing your doing, does that make sense to you?xx

[danman83]

Yes course it makes sence and thanks for your nice comments they help me aswell. Have you tried getting to a meeting or a zoom C. A meeting you will meet women with similar stories as yours and they will help you so much. You are better than that crap and they wi support you. And also you will help them.

[forgotten-girl]

Hi Dan,

Firstly, thanks so much for what you said, you have no idea how much it meant to me. Here’s the thing, I actually found my real dad two months ago, I haven’t seen him since I was five years old, and, I still haven’t seen him face to face yet. The embarrassing thing is, he knows my husband has been violent to me and this is the reason he has sorted me out a property where he is (about 5 hours drive away) I am scared, but, you have honestly made me re think now and it DOES seem to be the right decision, it’s almost fate really that this has happened now. I’m really scared of being so far away but your absolutely right, it’s far enough to get away from him where I won’t be found, plus, far away from the heroin. I’ve NEVER injected it, it’s bad enough the pain you go through when it’s not in your system, or when he has stolen my methadone so I’ve had to suffer, or, find money to but it, which of course means, he then gets some too. I’ve read your message every time I’ve wondered if I have the strength to make the jump to do this,it reminds me that if I don’t use this opportunity, it’s very unlikely I’ll get another and I’ll be in this situation for the rest of my life. I have just under two weeks left when I HAVE to be there x your one amazing guy Dan, you also are wasting your life because you seem like one fantastic person. You should think about counselling too because you have a way explaining things the right way yourself. How is your world coming along as well?x

[danman83]

But after reading this about your dad, that you have just found him after 2month.also make sure that’s the right decision. Because this is a big thing as well. I’m just being honest. But I guess it can’t be worse than the situation you are in. You have been through a lot so just double check everything with your dad and see if everything is legit if you know what I mean.

I don’t want to be saying the wrong thing here, but if you have not seen him for so long you don’t know what is right and wrong, and what he’s is genuinely like. I’m just being honest. Only you can judge this. Also regarding the heroin and being far away as possible.

You will find it in every town and village. So it’s about you being strong mentally. When it’s there.

But you can’t live with that partner or guy your living with. He’s controlling you and you need to be as far away as possible. So do what’s right for you. And trust your gut instincts.

I’m OK at giving advice but shit at taking it haha. Thanks for that.

Well 14days clean now. Just been to a new face to face meeting. It’s soo nerve racking, and I hate sharing, I’ve lost all my confidence because of my relapse so I need to build it up again.

How’s your day been?

[forgotten-girl]

WOWSERS!

Honey! You ARE amazing! I’m IMMENSELY proud of you for getting as far as you have, it must be extremely difficult, more so, due to there being NO substitute available (at present anyway) for this type of drug. I kind of swapped one for the other, when I started the “smoke” the endless cocaine nights disappeared, replaced by something even more sinister, as you now know. I have literally just got off the phone to my dad, I sent him pictures of when I was modelling for catalogues as he hasn’t seen me since I was almost six, he told me he has paid for the flat for me and I’m genuinely grateful. I HAVE to be there within the next ten days to sign the tenancy so I’ve just agreed to go on Thursday this week (my nerves are going crazy) to be there in We mouth (I’ve written it like that because I’ve flagged up writing it the proper way x It’s going to cost over £200 to get there and back in the car with petrol, but, you’ve given me the strength to realise that actually, I’m doing the right thing x do you think I am too? Your opinion genuinely does matter to me especially at the moment xx thanks dan xx

[danman83]

Anything to get you away from the situation yes I do think it’s best for you. But I thing you need join C. A or N. A and go to meetings and focus on getting clean and surround your self with people who are clean and sober. And you will get so many new good friends who want to see you well. I go out with new mates now who are clean. I trust them more than my own friends.

It’s time to start a fresh, and get your life back, and do some new hobbies. It won’t be easy. But if you put the effort in it works. I do alot of meditation and if u give off good energy you get good back.

If you have faith in your dad and what he’s doing, I don’t know him so I can’t comment on it. Go for it. Just get a new number and only give close fam and start a fresh. And work on you and recovery. Don’t let anything slip. Don’t even drink. And focus on you! That’s my opinion x

[forgotten-girl]

Thanks Dan, and yes, the more I think about it the more I’m making the right decision. If I’m honest I’m mainly scared of going such a long way and being alone x wouldn’t it be great if all of us talking on here ALL MET in a pub or restaurant we could all get too? I’ve been reading a lot of things on here Dan and I honestly think you have REALLY been such an inspiration to A LOT of people. I think we would all get a boost if we arranged to meet x

[naturegrrl]

Forgotten Girl,

I am so angry and sad that happened to you. Well done on reporting and going through the court process. What a trauma. I’ve been fighting West Yorkshire Police since my assault in 2013, as they were so awful and let me down. My attacker was never convicted.

I want nothing to do with it since I realised he was using in the house, leaving evidence indiscreetly where my kids could find it, threatening to kill him self every time I’d dare to bring his addiction up. Horrible emotional blackmail. I hate the stuff.

And it does cause suicides, absolutely. Especially when alcohol is involved too.

Please have a safe and restful new year, all of you. Stay strong and be kind to yourselves.

[forgotten-girl]

Dear Naturegrrl AND Danman83

Thanks so much for your replies, it means a lot when you finally have someone who genuinely wants to listen to you, and because they are genuinely interested. So it’s also time for a little honesty too, mainly as I also feel comfortable discussing this with you two in particular, I feel like I have two people who care that I haven’t even met! I always ALWAYS looked down on people on heroin, I thought they were scummy people and I could NEVER understand why any of them would physically put a needle in their own arm and feel ok about it! (I was so naive I genuinely thought, and maybe you do too) that people on that sort of thing only took it by injecting! Anyway, after the attack, I kept smelling the men, it was a potent kind of lynx maybe smell that I thought I could even smell on my own skin! I couldn’t sleep as I said through nightmares, re living what they did to me every time I closed my eyes, as real as I can see my phone right now as well. I thought about nothing else while I was awake, there was just no escape. Then, the “wonderful “ man I met, had this pipe one night while I was in tears, he said, “smoke this, it will help you sleep “ and low and behold, he ended up opening about two of these wrap things that I smoked and he put on this pipe for me. I SLEPT AND SLEPT WITH NO NIGHTMARES! I was more happy than you can possibly imagine! So, the next night I asked for some more of “that stuff” after the third night, the next morning, I woke up and felt like MY BONES WERE BEING TWISTED AND BEING BROKEN! I cannot even begin to describe the pain and the feeling, I was sweating and shaking and he got up, put this stuff on the pipe, screaming at me to stop crying and put it in my mouth while he lit it, and, (my hairs are standing on end right now remembering this as I write it) within two of these pipes I felt the pain completely leave my body, by the time I finished the second wrap thing he put on it for me, I was ABSOLUTELY FINE!!! Which he then proceeded to inform me I was “now a heroin addict” now, you are both strangers to me, and anyone else reading this, but I take oath even on my (grown up) kids lives that what I just explained happened EXACTLY THAT WAY! I would NEVER believe that from ANYONE. I went from being a full time nurse, to a heroin addict living with a heroin addict and losing everything including all my savings within MONTHS. I’m DESPERATE to get away from him, but, every time I’ve tried to get away I’ve taken a hiding and I’m so scared. I think it’s more because he needs me to supply and earn whatever I can for him, which I have, EVERY SINGLE DAY, he has NEVER worked in 6 years. I’m literally suicidal. I keep myself spotless though, and my home, and I take oath I have NEVER stolen, I do these things to separate myself from getting too deep like I’ve seen so many girls who’ve lost respect in looking after themselves , their clothes and washing, my 24 year old and my 21 year old have disowned me because my mother who I’ve been telling you about had great joy in telling them as well as all the evil things I told you she’s put me through. I’m so desperate , but I’m now feeling there’s no way out for me, I have contemplated taking my life, I’m not an attention seeker or the sort of person who says these things, but from my point of view, I’ve had the attack, the violence with my husband who im trying to leave, my children have turned their back on me because of my evil mother , and every single day im sent out until I bring him what he needs. Im happy to tell you im now on medication called methadone which stops the pain, so I no longer take it and haven’t in three months, one week and two days. My real dad who im now in touch with has offered to get me a flat about five hours drive from where I currently live. Im so frightened of making the jump to do this, shall I be brave and go? I’ve no one left who cares if I live or die

[lindyloo]

Good Man ????

Keep on doin what you’re doin- stick to your strategies and you’ll be just fine.

Sending you positive vibes and hugs ????

Lx

[lindyloo]

Good Man ????

Keep on doin what you’re doin- stick to your strategies and you’ll be just fine.

Sending you positive vibes and hugs ????

Lx

[forgotten-girl]

WOWSERS!

Honey! You ARE amazing! I’m IMMENSELY proud of you for getting as far as you have, it must be extremely difficult, more so, due to there being NO substitute available (at present anyway) for this type of drug. I kind of swapped one for the other, when I started the “smoke” the endless cocaine nights disappeared, replaced by something even more sinister, as you now know. I have literally just got off the phone to my dad, I sent him pictures of when I was modelling for catalogues as he hasn’t seen me since I was almost six, he told me he has paid for the flat for me and I’m genuinely grateful. I HAVE to be there within the next ten days to sign the tenancy agreement so I’ve just agreed to go on Thursday this week (my nerves are going crazy) to be there in Weymouth. It’s going to cost over £200 to get there and back in the car with petrol, but, you’ve given me the strength to realise that actually, I’m doing the right thing x do you think I am too? Your opinion genuinely does matter to me especially at the moment Dan xx thanks, Carla xxx

[forgotten-girl]

WOWSERS!

Honey! You ARE amazing! I’m IMMENSELY proud of you for getting as far as you have, it must be extremely difficult, more so, due to there being NO substitute available (at present anyway) for this type of drug. I kind of swapped one for the other, when I started the “smoke” the endless cocaine nights disappeared, replaced by something even more sinister, as you now know. I have literally just got off the phone to my dad, I sent him pictures of when I was modelling for catalogues as he hasn’t seen me since I was almost six, he told me he has paid for the flat for me and I’m genuinely grateful. I HAVE to be there within the next ten days to sign the tenancy agreement so I’ve just agreed to go on Thursday this week (my nerves are going crazy) to be there in Weymouth. It’s going to cost over £200 to get there and back in the car with petrol, but, you’ve given me the strength to realise that actually, I’m doing the right thing x do you think I am too? Your opinion genuinely does matter to me especially at the moment Dan thanks, Carla x

[forgotten-girl]

WOWSERS!

Honey! You ARE amazing! I’m IMMENSELY proud of you for getting as far as you have, it must be extremely difficult, more so, due to there being NO substitute available (at present anyway) for this type of drug. I kind of swapped one for the other, when I started the “smoke” the endless cocaine nights disappeared, replaced by something even more sinister, as you now know. I have literally just got off the phone to my dad, I sent him pictures of when I was modelling for catalogues as he hasn’t seen me since I was almost six, he told me he has paid for the flat for me and I’m genuinely grateful. I HAVE to be there within the next ten days to sign the tenancy so I’ve just agreed to go on Thursday this week (my nerves are going crazy) to be there in Wey mouth. It’s going to cost over £200 to get there and back in the car with petrol, but, you’ve given me the strength to realise that actually, I’m doing the right thing x do you think I am too? Your opinion genuinely does matter to me especially at the moment Dan thanks, Carla x

[forgotten-girl]

WOWSERS!

Honey! You ARE amazing! I’m IMMENSELY proud of you for getting as far as you have, it must be extremely difficult, more so, due to there being NO substitute available (at present anyway) for this type of drug. I kind of swapped one for the other, when I started the “smoke” the endless cocaine nights disappeared, replaced by something even more sinister, as you now know. I have literally just got off the phone to my dad, I sent him pictures of when I was modelling for catalogues as he hasn’t seen me since I was almost six, he told me he has paid for the flat for me and I’m genuinely grateful. I HAVE to be there within the next ten days to sign the tenancy so I’ve just agreed to go on Thursday this week (my nerves are going crazy) to be there in We mouth (I’ve written it like that because I’ve flagged up writing it the proper way x It’s going to cost over £200 to get there and back in the car with petrol, but, you’ve given me the strength to realise that actually, I’m doing the right thing x do you think I am too? Your opinion genuinely does matter to me especially at the moment Dan thanks, Carla x

[forgotten-girl]

Hey redfox

Thanks for your reply, oh my goodness it’s so so nice when you know you have people there who actually genuinely have an interest in YOU, it’s been that long that I literally have a tissue in my hand this very minute after reading what you wrote, along with your “actual genuine care “ about my move x your a good girl and a fantastic mother x

[redfox20]

Thank you so much that means so much to me, i just want to be happy and make my children proud. Aww you’re gonna me start me off too, it’s so lovely to have the support from here we’re here for different reasons but it brings us all together which is so comforting. We’re all in this together, we’ve got this!

[danman83]

I’ve messeged you. Let me know if you get it

[icarus-trust]

Hi,

Thanks for sharing your story and I’m so glad that you have found this forum which shows you that you are not alone in how you are feeling and shouldn’t be blaming yourself. It’s really tough that your partner’s addiction is having such a bad impact on you. If you would like any more support you might like to contact us at Icarus Trust as we are a charity that supports people like yourself dealing with addiction in their family. One of our experienced and trained Family Friends would be in touch if you contact us which might help you. They could listen to you and let you know what help is available for you and your partner.

You can contact Icarus Trust on help@icarustrust.org or visit our website http://www.icarustrust.org

Good luck with everything.

[naturegrrl]

Thank you. I appreciate that.

[Author]

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