[DanH]

I have a bf of nearly 11 years.

When we got together he told me about his past (mum alcoholic) he was also in the marines (went in at 17). We got together in 2012, I was 23, him 20.

We moved in together in 2014.

This is when I realised he’s very troubled. In the sense of suffering with bouts of depression, putting a lot on me such as neediness etc…

Last July I found out he had a secret addiction, I prodded and he confessed. He said for the past 2 years he started doing cocaine regularly when ever he drinks.

Just for context he used to go out of a weekend with friends to the pub, I knew he would sometimes do coke.

So when covid hit he then started drinking in the house and sneaking out and buying cocaine.

We tried to make it work, however after a few weeks I had no trust so ended the relationship.

A month later when I was asleep he went through my WhatsApp messages, he was convinced I was seeing someone else which I wasn’t. He came across my family WhatsApp groups where we spoke about him and I would vent of everything he was doing.

This caused him much distress to the point he woke me up in a panic.

This was a traumatic night but ultimately the next day I agreed to give him another chance (looking back a lot of it was guilt on my part and felt I owed him a chance).

Things were ok at first I saw him making changes like going to CA.

This lasted about a month then over time things went back to normal with him drinking and doing drugs.

A month ago I told him I wasn’t happy and couldn’t see a future. We never spoke all that day but in the night he was crying and told me he took a handful of sleeping tablets.

I then called his step mum and dad and they came over to help and was on the phone to 111.

He was ok but it was a scary experience for everyone.

After this I started to suffer with my mental health as I felt hopeless.

Me and his sister spoke to him about rehab and agreed it is what could help.

Two weeks later he got a place at a military rehab which is a 12 week program.

He’s been gone 2 weeks and he’s started asking me if I still love him and still want to be with him.

I’m finding it hard to answer, I just don’t know what I want anymore. I am worried this may sound selfish but I want advice.

I am 35 this year, I want kids. I’m scared of waiting for him to come out of rehab then him be ok for a while but then relapse and be stuck in this loop for years and then I’ve sacrificed having a family.

But then he may come out of rehab and be fine but then I’m also aware I will always been to be a support and I also don’t know if I want that??

[brighterdays1234]

Hi DanH,

I’m sorry to hear you’ve been through so much. These decisions are never easy, but the only thing I would say if you have any doubt in your mind that staying with him isn’t what you want then I wouldn’t.

As in my experience it only gets harder when you have children and if he’s struggling now without the added pressures that family life brings the chances are he will find it very hard to cope if you do have children in the future. Which will cause you more years of stress, worry and upset. Also the pure exhaustion that comes with caring for your partners emotional well being as well as your children’s.

I have been with my partner for 13 years we have two children together a house and a business. He was always up and down over the years, depression, talking to other women, drinking to much for periods of time then fine for 6 months then something else would happen. Most recently for the last 16 months he’s been using coke and spent about 80-90K on it so far. He’s been diagnosed with depression, anxiety, ADHD as well and looks to me to solve it all.
He doesn’t take responsibility for his actions and feels because he had 3 months clean he’s not an addict plus he blames me for his relapse as I wasn’t giving him enough attention.
I know my situation is different in many ways from yours, but I wanted to reply because I wanted to say save your self from anymore future  heartache and leave him.
If he’s serious about getting better great but only time will tell and if after a year he’s doing well then you never know what fate might do but I would say until he’s been through stressful times and coped well without relapsing your never know.
He’s not your responsibility to fix you have to look after yourself and your own future.
I wish someone had said this to me before I settled down with my partner and had children as now it’s so much more heart breaking and harder to leave.
Take care whatever you decide xx

[eddie123]

There is an excellent charity that I know can support you – they have a remote family support group, and also provide free treatment for addicts struggling with addiction issues. To read more about them and receive the help please see link https://adaptoxford.org.uk/the-icarus-programme/

you can fill in the referral form on their website.

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