[sadie507]

I would like to share my story with you as I have nobody that I can talk to, I don’t wish that anybody close to me knows what I am going through right now and that I dont know how to deal with it.

I have been with my partner for 17 years, he is now 60. A while after we met I found out from his ex that he had a problem with heroin, he never told me as it was in his past. He later told me that when he was young he was addicted to heroin but he came through it and was proud of himself, going as far as helping others to overcome addictions. His older brother has used all his life and still does in a controlled manner (is this possible?) whilst working a full time responsable job.

It turned out that each time we went back to visit his home and his family, maybe once or twice a year, going to his dealer was his first port of call, as much as this upset me it would only be for the few days that we visited then would stop again. I no longer go to his home as I know that this will happen and I don’t want to be around it.

Fast forward a few years and his brother has died following a liver transplant. My partner has also suffered recently from a brain haemorrhage and a successful liver transplant.

10 months ago he came to me one afternoon after going shopping and as soon as he spoke to me I knew…. after searching around a little and finding the screwed up burnt foil he blamed it on somebody else! I will add that he smokes heroin as he has no good veins left to inject. So since then we have been going round in circles of lies, denial, depression, debt, guilt, I think you know how it goes! A couple of weeks ago he got a call to go to the police station as his dealer had been arrested, then he told me how sorry he was blah blah blah sorry but I heard it all before. Now I know that he has found another supplier and it is so obvious what’s going on but he still denies it, I really don’t know what he is thinking but he won’t talk about it. I feel that he has pushed me so far away with his betrayal I am starting to hate him, my head is torn in two because I love this man, we have had such good times and it has come down to this, I really don’t know how to carry on.

I feel so sad writing this because I miss him so much, I don’t even think he wants to stop.

We took out a joint loan a few months ago to help clear the overdraft, I realise now how stupid that was and he knows not to ask me for money because the answer will be no.

I have managed to drag myself out of the house during the winter months to complete a training course and have recently started a new job, I am relatively happy with myself but feel so sad inside, I can put on a good front to others. I don’t want to come home most evenings, if it wasn’t for having the dogs.

Some days I am so close to leaving but then I think what about the last 17 years and should I wait for him to come back to me? After everything we have been through how could he do this to our relationship.

I am torn, is it decision time?

[icarus-trust]

Hi Sadie,

So sorry to read your post and to know that you are unable to talk with family or friends about how you are feeling. If you think it would help please contact us at Icarus trust. We are a charity that offers support to people in your situation, having to deal with addiction in the family. We have trained and experienced people called family friends who you could talk with if you get in touch. They are good listeners and would understand how you are feeling so maybe talking with one of them might help you to know what to do next.

You can contact Icarus Trust on help@icarustrust.org or visit our website http://www.icarustrust.org

All the best to you.

[Author]

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