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Hi everyone. My first post on here and just really hoping to get some insight from those of you who have been in this situation.
Me and my boyfriend have been together a year, I knew before we got together properly that when he was younger he had taken cocaine before but told me that those days were over. I’ve had suspicions so many times, empty bags, sneaky behaviour, nipping out for short periods then coming back like a different person. He denied it every single time – Apart from twice he finally admitted he had done it with friends. Fast forward to now, I shouldn’t have but I did go through his phone one evening and found out he’d actually been doing it all along, he admitted to everything. Majority of our relationship now seems based on a lie – how can I ever trust this man again? I feel broken. He says he is going to get help but so far I’ve seen nothing? He appears angry with me because I said he needs to tell his family – I won’t deal with this on my own and he did. He is now trying to act like nothings happened but I’m left wondering if I can actually move forward? If I leave I know he’ll spiral and probably become worse but I can’t live my life for him. I want to help him get better and he begs me not to leave him. But how can I live like this? I feel paranoid that he’ll just continue to do it behind my back.
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Im sorry for what you are going through. I have a similar story. I cant really offer much advice and im a few months down the line from you in that I found out in February. I heard all the promises to change and denial of needing professional help. Hes now (june) finally attending a rehab programme but the damage that was done to our relationship through all the months of lies betrayals and blowup arguments over the drugs has completely broken our relationship and hes actually left me.
So just be careful, now that you know you are in a strong position to be able to walk away if necessary. I know i had rose tinted glasses on when I fiest found out as I assumed ah him telling me is his cry for help and a sign he really wants to change but I couldnt have been more wrong.
Be careful, look after yourself first.
Sending you big hugs
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He will be arguing with you because you don’t like his best friend (coke) ? Cocaine gives you the big I am, so confident life & soul of party, then it manipulates them because someone sees a problem & tells them
I got my husband to admit to his Dr I wasn’t there though apparently he didn’t have an addiction like I say as he wasn’t using in morning when he got up ? I answered with did you tell her you didn’t get up till tea time on it by 8 ? I’ve done everything he might as well have another woman sneaked it stood by because I thought he would beat it for me I stayed to try for our kids wish I got out years ago before I tried clearing his debts then his parents taking the house before dealers did now I can’t get out & sleep on me couch
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Genuinely if youve moved out its probably a really good thing. Though its heartbreaking honestly its better at this stage befote you start losing a grip on reality. It sounds like you are doing a really good job of thinking rationally which is amazing. Him “getting worse” because you have left is a lie that he will either tell you or you will tell yourself because he was doing this long before you came into his life and he was doing it during your “happiest” moments together. So dont be manipulated into trying to rescue him. Initially my boyfriend told me he didnt need professional help, that if I would just help him then he would be able to recover but it was a huge mistake because all of the pressure I took onto myself and every time he used and lied it became a personal faliure. You sound like a very strong person and you deserve the best in life. Think carefully about what you want long term and how you feel you will be able to cope if the situation was the same in 6 months or a year.
Hugs
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Ive been through the manipulation, that its all my fault, that im imagining things. That im crazy and that I need to see a psychologist. Thats what makes me say that you sound as if you have got out at a good time because you need to take into account that it can get much worse. The offers to change or home tests etc usually only last until they use again and again you are trying to control or manipulate them. I think you should take time for yourself and think about whether you really want to carry on as you have been so far as there is no guarantee anything will change for the better.
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Hey smarker
Firstly sorry to hear how that worked out. I can categorically say that isn’t your fault and you have done the right thing, even though it will feel a million miles from that.
I know when I was drinking or using, I’d do or say anything to be able to get on with it without being inconvenienced by family, friends – anyone. Lieing and manipulation were common so I didn’t get found out, and didn’t have to sort myself out and face my problems. Often I’d minimise my stuff and maximise someone else’s- it enabled me to evade responsibility and avoid facing up to the fact I was a wreck without a soul.
In my experience unless someone admits to their innermost self that they have an issue, there is very little other people can do – it will end up in an endless cycle.
I’m sorry you had to go through this, there seems to be alot of support on here for families of addicts and alcholics – maybe some support in that space would help
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Mine actually has changed! Hes now five weeks clean. Two weeks into his recovery he left me. Literally got up and left took all his stuff. No arguments no chance for me to make anything better. The reason given is that im too controlling and I dont trust him… of course the 6 months of lies, manipulative behaviour, him stealing from me could have something to do with that. Im genuinely heartbroken because we went through so much together and I worked so hard to try and get him clean.. only for him to leave me as soon as he did.
Genuinely if you keep giving chances maybe he could see the light and change but the problem is… once they stop it brings to the surface all of the emotions that they have been trying to bottle up and calm with the drug taking.. so its not necessarily any easier to be with someone who has gone clean than a user at least in my experience. Either way always here to listen
Good luck darling
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Could you not suggest a home test? Maybe that will give you the answer though I think you already have it. Stay strong and remember you come first. Its a horrible experience having to constantly doubt and look for signs.
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Im very well thanks, nice to hear from you. It has now been 10 months since my ex left and Im feeling much much much better!!! What has happened with you? Xxx
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Well done
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If you need support happy to help
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