[whitefeather7]

My boyfriend and I have been together for just over a year. We don’t live together yet. he is 36. When we met, i knew he “recreationally” took cocaine but it has become more apparant that it isn’t recreational. He can’t have a drink without it and when he takes it, most of the time he does so alone. He takes it all night, until the next day and will do this at least once a week.He said this isn’t a problem as he doesn’t do it every day. Is it a problem? I feel like i’m doubting myself

[debc]

Hi Whitefeather7,

Welcome to the Forum,

I would definitely hold off living together. How often does he drink? In my experience the two go hand in hand. I would say that taking cocaine is a problem even if it is only once a week, that can change in an instant.

You obviously have doubts and I would have a really good think about what you want for yourself, because living with an addict is hell. Sorry to sound harsh but I am just being truthful.

Take care.

Dx

[whitefeather7]

Hi Debc, thank you for your reply.

He drinks at the weekend, normally just one night but like i said, that turns into ALL night..until 7/8am…and like you said, the two go hand in hand… (for him). I can have a glass of wine or 2 with dinner and go to bed. He seems to be party mode or nothing. What really bothers me is that he doesnt seem to even want company. It’s alone, all night taking coke by himself. I just don’t understand it.. i appreciate you being harsh so please don’t apologise. I need another opinion on the situation as i can’t talk to friends or family. They have no idea. He was worse during lockdown (sometimes 3 or 4 nights a week). So he thinks because he has cut down, this is totally fine.. and often blames me for starting an argument if i bring it up

[jamesb]

Hi White feather, hope you’re okay.

I hope you don’t mind but to better understand so I can reply better there’s a few things I’d like to ask.

I’m a recovering cocaine addict, I’m 30 myself and spent the best years of my 20s destroying everything around me due to my cocaine use. So believe me when I say I more than likely know exactly where he is and also understand your concern.

If he follows the same pattern as most of us, it would of started out as something with friends, small amounts every so often but then he would have found himself unfortunately like myself, one of the ones who get hooked. It changes from being a social thing, to a very anti social thing like you say he does it alone. But there is often many stages of the relationship a person has with the stuff depending on how it affects their life. For example if he has you, a job he holds down, isnt in financial trouble then he won’t see it as too much of a bad thing. The fact he is talking to you openly about it suggests he doesn’t hide it and makes me think it hasn’t had too bad an impact. Others literally despise the stuff for all of the trouble it has caused but still can’t stop and continue daily.

So I guess the questions are, is he in general, doing okay? No money or job trouble? Do his friends also do it and are they open about it? At 36 does he show signs of wanting to settle down with family etc.

Also have you challenged him about it and asked him to stop? And if so, how did he take that?

Hopefully I can shed some light but it’s hard to be specific without knowing details.

Anyway hope you’re well. Speak soon

James x

[whitefeather7]

Hi James,

Thank you so much for your reply.

You see, i used to dabble in it myself as a teen and early 20’s so i actually can relate to it more than a person who has never touched it, so i think my frustration is fearing he will never “grow out of it”. I’m 32 now, i have a child (previous relationship) so for me, cutting it out was a no brainer.

He has a 14 year old from a previous relationship but only has him over night once a week so the level of responsibility he has as a parent wouldn’t be like mine..

He does have a job, and a great relationship with his son so like you said, if the cocaine isn’t causing “problems” with those two things, he doesn’t see it as a “problem”.

His circle of friends do the same thing. A drink will always involve cocaine. However, they seem to be able to stop when the social gathering is over, go home, go to bed, continue normal life the next day. Although i don’t condone what they do either (also parents), my main problem is that my boyfriend would rather sit by himself and take cocaine all night alone. There is no off switch. He will take it untill the bag is done. Alone until 7am/8am. I don’t see how this can even be fun? Like i said, i understand “recreational” drug use from my youth…

He is a lovely person. He treats me so well. When he is sober, he is a caring, generous and respectful man. But when i challenge him about this particular aspect of our relationship, he will say he doesn’t understand why it bothers me.. my concern is that I don’t know how we could ever live together (my child lives with me full time) if he does that on a weekly basis. He prefers to do it in his house alone and not socially.. how could i ever be ok with that happening in OUR home with children living there? He thinks i over think and worry too much… but i think they are legitimate concerns looking forward.. even when we socialise (dinner and drinks) , he cant seem to just have a few drinks and call it quits… drink leads to cocaine.. i had hoped this would be something he would grow out of. It doesn’t look like that will happen.. he has openly said that he wants a future with me (marriage, buying a house together, potentially another baby together) but i don’t see any of that happening while he still has this habit. And yes he is open about the cocaine, but i have also been open about the fact i don’t see our future together while he has this habit.. we go round in circles with it. Sometimes i feel that the only thing i can do is walk away… we argue and then make up 24 hours later. So if i stay, he will think i will accept it eventually and nothing has to change?

[jamesb]

Wow okay, thank you for all of that. And realistically I sounds like there’s nothing I can tell you that you don’t already know so I guess this actually becomes a much simpler issue.

2 people in a relationship, one of them does something the other has an issue with. You talk about it but nothing changes.

Everyone knows relationships are built around a very few key but very important factors. Compromise is one of them. Now I’m not saying be okay with his usage. But your relationship and life is none of my business however, your happiness and your families happiness has to be your priority.

If you was to talk to him, say all the things your just said about not wanting it in the house with your child etc and say look, you clearly don’t want to stop, I can’t have it in our house, but if you can go out like your friends, do a little bit and come home then that’s a compromise.

The fact he currently lives alone with no responsibility is more than likely why he goes on all night. He has no reason to stop and as you know if you say you’ve dabbled before. Once you start you really don’t want to stop until you have to.

In regards to understanding him doing it alone. It’s a strange one. Cocaine can take you to different places depending on when are where you take it. For example, I’d do it out with friends and have a great night and talk rubbish all night with everyone. But then I too would sit alone and do it. It alone doesn’t so much give you the buzz but it can make you more open with yourself emotionally. I play guitar and write music, and some nights I would sit alone, get on the gear and was able to write so many songs that sober I wouldn’t have. Other nights I’d sit and watch oasis live at knebworth on YouTube 3 or 4 times over and because I was on it, I just felt a more emotional enjoyment.

But getting back to the real issue is this. Even if it wasn’t cocaine. It was something else, like he spent all his money on fancy clothes. You would say to him, “look before we commit to the next stage I want you to stop spending so much on clothes” and he wouldn’t be wrong to have things he would ask you to address before committing to living together and moving forward in your relationship. And you both have to come to a compromise that works or it isn’t fair on either of you.

The worst thing you can do, is move in, he continues to stay up that one night a week doing it and it becomes a much bigger problem.

It needs to be made clear, that changes or your future together won’t work. Stand your ground with this though and offer the compromise as to him only doing it away from the house with friends and if that is something that works then that’s great.

If he cares for you then he will be willing to compromise. It’s not asking him to fully stop it’s asking him to compromise.

I hope that helps in some way and let me know if you wanna talk more.

All the best

James x

[whitefeather7]

Thank you so much for your reply James. I really appreciate your insight into it, especially as it sounds like you can (or could) relate to what he does with doing it alone.. you say you’re 30 now? What made you want to stop? I know quite alot of people who got to that point where they thought, there is more to life than this feeling (especially the recovery as you get older) and they want to stop… but hes now 36 and he seems to want to continue this forever. I have so many worries and concerns for the future and my worry would be that it just wont stop, ever. Like you suggested, I have tried compromise.. as i mentioned, i have a child so I dont get alot of free time.. (one weeknight without my child and a night at the weekend) i first asked him to stop doing it around me.. our free time together is precious so to me it was slightly offensive that he wanted to sit up all night taking cocaine (different wavelengths, not quality time). Although this seems minor and perhaps even petty, as i’m in my 30s now i feel like that wasn’t a big ask. Since then he has made promises and slipped back into doing it anyway which has resulted in me leaving his house a few times to get away from that atmosphere (he just continues on the coke). He has also ruined a few special occasions because of it. He sat up all night taking cocaine the night before my neices christening (he didnt make it as he was still off his face when i was getting ready for the church), and our anniversary we went to a hotel, and knowing my issue with it, he brought cocaine. I was trying to sleep but he was sitting in the room taking cocaine… these are just a couple of events..and fairly recent.. the arguing results in him calling me controlling which is unfair because honestly, if it was just when he was out with his friends, i would have no issue with him socialising. I wish he would be more sociable. When hes with his friends, he actually tends to leave the social gathering so that he can go home and take cocaine by himself.. he already has damaged the septum in his nose and i can see that it’s affecting his health (constant colds, stys in his eyes etc). Is it that i have just grown up quicker? I didnt care about those things as a teen but now im 32, and hes 36. It’s not a sociable, recreational thing…like i mentioned before i dont see how it could even be enjoyable. it makes him overthink, causes him to be paranoid and he is irritable and and in a bad mood the next day. we aren’t speaking at the moment because he says i am impossible to please and its not like he “takes it every day”. Sorry i feel like i’m going on and on.. it’s nice to be able to speak to somebody so honestly about this because i can’t speak to friends or family

[notmyrealname]

Ps not giving advice as everyone is different, but personally would have run for the hills if I found out so early on. now over ten years down the line, two kids and a home together, looking back at wasted years. If you read others stories on here you will see how well you have done to start dealing with the issue after only a year.

[jamesb]

Hi mate, just reading that I know exactly everything you’re talking about and I’m sorry you’re going through this. Let me start by saying though I’m by no means a bright knight. The only reason I’m able to be so honest with people like you is because I was once the ars****** partner. Don’t get my wrong there’s more to my story, in many ways I was in an abusive relationship, I was the one being controllerd and as I’ve mentioned before I fell into my addiction when trying to cope with the loss of my parents while still being heavily relied on to support everyone around me emotionally and financially.

But to get back to it, the missing social events. Unfortunately, what ever is happening the next day, will not play any part in an addicts mind. You for example may say, oh I won’t drink tonight because I have to be up and out at 8am tomorrow. Where as an addict will tell themselves “it will be fine, I’ll go bed at midnight” but that never happens. It’s all part of how cocaine rewires your brain and takes over the way you think about things. I wish I could tell you the amount of times I’d do the same.

For example, booked tickets to a festival. Looked forward to it for months. The night before go and get a large amount of gear for the festival. Then sit up all night doing the gear, then have no sleep, feel like death and frantically try to find more the morning of the festival and end up having a rubbish time because I’m so tired.

I never set out to do that but inevitably it happens.

As far as him kicking off saying you’re controlling. That’s simply because he feels as a man he should be able to do what ever he likes and you trying to stop him doing something he wants to do to him means you’re the problem. He would rather be left alone to crack on which is sad because the truth is right now he probably needs love and affection in his life more than ever.

There’s a saying you cant help someone until they are willing to accept help and want to change.

That couldn’t be more true.

If your partner doesn’t want to stop or he doesn’t see anything wrong in his behaviour then I’m sorry to say he won’t change any time soon. Sometimes the ultimatum of stop or I leave is enough but in other cases an addict will rather lose everything around them before they lose their vice.

My advise to you, is safeguard yourself. Put yourself and your children first. As hard as that may be. If it means walking away then that’s maybe the best thing to do. If he cares for you he will realise what he lost and change his ways

Drug addicts aren’t all bad people but we struggle to feel emotion and it sadly takes in most cases the realisation of losing everything to finally change.

I hope you’re alright and stay strong x

[notmyrealname]

Yes it’s a problem. I wish someone had told me that years ago as I was in your position and thought it was none of my business as it was only on the weekend so although I didn’t like the idea of it, it didn’t really affect me. I didn’t ask anyone as I was naive, you’ve made a brave choice to talk about it. Which shows that you have identified it’s a problem early on, I never did. It’s taken years to figure out what’s been going on.

Being realistic you have only been together around a year, I think you know the answer but you want someone else to confirm It. You would be doing the kindest thing for you and him both if you made a stand now, I wish I had before things got so messy, you are lucky that don’t have the worry about sharing a home together. If you made it easier for him now by moving in together when he’s already doing this, what is the incentive to change?

he’s not your child’s father, so if you spent some time apart it only affects the two of you and you could see what is really important for either of you.

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