[mshurt]

Hello.

Not sure where to start from. After 18 months in a relationship; I find myself leaving him and it falls so hard on my heart. Prior to meeting him, I had no clue how a person under addiction looked like or behaved. I learned all his behaviors and understood using it when he lost his mom, but i never thought that he will be craving for it every 6 months to a year. I forgave him a few things done under the influence as i got to know him inside. I knew he needed help; he asked for it himself and i had faith. He started outpatient treatments and he is so charismatic and caring when not being under the substance influence; everyone loves him. I started having self esteem issues as he tempted to do sexting online when he would use it, and caught him and it was hard for me to trust him, but i did find the trust through belief and faith.

Well; treatments have been helping him and he was being as a person whom i fell in love with the first time i met him and felt connected to through his eyes / soul. He went on a trip ten days ago, and prior to the trip i got upset seeing my friend bringing weed into our home. My boyfriend cut even weed to almost none for almost 2 months. He used the situation against me as we had a huge argument before he left on the work trip out of state. I was under impression we talked it over during his long trip , but i found out that he used drugs on the 2nd day being in that city and went with one escort. I was so crushed. He tried to call me every day to explain that he had no sexual intimacy, but just a bj and i was disgusted to hear it. I found myself in shock. 2-3 days of trying not to talk to him and finally i chose to listen and it sounded that we were talking more normal and i almost wanted to look it over as i know it was the substance. That same day he stayed in a hotel and not calling as promised so i felt it that he was using drugs constantly and that he could have been with some woman/ call it woman intuition especially if one knows her man well like i do know him. At that moment it was my intuition / an assumption. Days were passing by with arguments back and forth and me not wanting to answer his phone calls. Finally i did today. We spoke calm way and even there was a smile on our faces. I noticed that he was on drugs again and i was harsh friendly and compassionate if that makes sense. He thanked me for being understanding and promised that he wont use it again and regretted as i told him that he can pick up his stuff when he returns as i will pack them organized. I even said that he could stay for a few days under the same roof until he finds another accommodation.

After having that talk; he kept on calling me and asking where i was; and it came another shock to be shared. That hotel night, my intuition did not lie; he admits to me that he had sex with another escort and that he had a blast and that he was under influence and that he thought that i dumped him because of the bj one and that i hated him. He wanted to share all this with me to get it off his chest as he felt guilty, but he does not say sorry at all; but he asked me to look at my heart for forgiveness; that he knows that i will leave him if he would cheat on me. He started explaining how it meant nothing to him, and how he wanted to be in control and how he regrets especially after i put it in stone to pick up his stuff after return. He started blaming me for things how h was not happy and a few hours prior to it he said how he was just sabotaging himself knowing that he wanted to spend his life with me, but thought that his substance addiction will never end although his treatment was going well.

I feel that i am still in shock like i experienced trauma. I started even looking for answers if it is considered cheating when doing it with an escort. I couldnt believe to myself reading it. I came across from your chat blog . Please help me to cope this and to shake me up if i should consider forgiving him?

Honestly i can not believe that i am considering it; but i know if there was no for substance he would not have done it; but i think he took the drugs in purpose in order to go with an escort.

Please share your opinion what i should do; if i should look for that forgiveness or i should just leave as i have started to pack?

Thank you ????????

[esta]

Your intuition always tells the truth

Once trust is broken it’s gone

Don’t look for answers you will never ever get the truth

The disappearing

The turning the phone off

Not telling you where they have been

Porn/ other women whilst they are high

Your head is tangled up because of all the manipulation you need space to find yourself again

My ex laughed when I asked him why he lied all the time and he said I’m an addict darling it’s what we do

Addicts tell you what you want to hear to enable them and keep you where they need you

it takes time and care to heal

All storms pass and sometimes they come to clear the path for us x

[emjay]

We spoke a while back.

Reading this you seem stronger and I just wanted to say thank you for responding to my post back then.

Much love x

[esta]

I hope things are getting better for you?

Today is the first time In months where I have felt really sad about the past and all that happened

But it is that now the past

All the promises we made to each other were based on lies he told and the person he manufactured himself to be

it’s so hard to accept that your whole relationship was based on lies and how blind love can make you

Anyway tomorrow is another day and will be a better one

I don’t feel lonely or miss the chaos he created; just the man I thought he was – so I have to just remind myself that there is no time to waste on something that I never truly had

[esta]

I do hope that things are improving for you?

[mshurt]

Dear Esta,

I can not express enough of my gratitude. I am reading your response and like i would have written it to a third person; but it is so hard to write it to myself. I even allowed him to come closer to me by just talking on the phone as he is still on the work trip and i decided to try to regain trust as i know he will be on the street if i kick him out and he has things to finish.

I decided i am leaving by the end of the month and he will come back by then, but out of nowhere i got a job here and wanted just to run away sooo far away so i am not around; but i need a job. I am still praying for q job in a different state so i can just move far far away. I checked the phone bill again and noticed that sexting contiued although reduced since we have talked normal lately. I know i am looking for excuses and i see it all what you wrote and not sure why i look where he will live when he does not care how i feel.

I thought that this new job appeared as a sign to make it bette; but i am lieing to myself.

Thank you for your response. I know i will be making a big deal about the whole sexting thing and probably drive myself crazy when he returns and i can not trust him. I know i need to save myself no matter how much i love him. He does manipulate a lot and he will lie to their own therapists how he is clean; and i keep on keeping my mouth shut against my own beliefs.

I know i need to save myself and i know i am stronger than how i act now and write. Thank you for sharing with me your views and i loved reading your encouraging message.

Thank you. I hope to move on soon.

Mshurt

[esta]

Your reply is also a great comfort to me

Even though I am a little further down the line it still hurts when I think back – but I don’t dwell on it now

Hindsight is a great thing and once the Penny drops that their behaviour is the same in every relationship again and again and you have been manipulated to the brink of madness you can turn the corner

Keeping quiet because you know the truth but to say it out loud breaks the myth and let’s be honest you can cry & beg and you still won’t get the truth, that’s the worst thing not knowing what is true or just manufactured – tell you what you want to hear

An addict could lie to the pope and not bat an eyelid

To spend the rest of your life trying to work out if the love of your life is telling you yet another massive lie is too draining and we deserve at least a basic level of respect from the person who tells us – can’t live without you – but can lie and cheat on you with anyone in a heartbeat and blame it on coke??

There comes a point when it just becomes last weeks news and you move on

That’s a good point and I am wishing you every hope for the future

Life is short don’t waste anymore time treading water – get out and live and love every day free of anymore negative weight xxx

[mshurt]

Dear Esta,

you could probably understand me and give me some encouragement as it is really not enough that i am trying to talk to myself.

So; he was hanging up on me lately whenever i mentioned what he did to me and although he says he is sorry; and he never wanted to hurt me; but he says that he wont say something different what i would like to hear; and i said how i want to feel that he cares about me and he really feels sorrow. Instead; while being with his friend he says that he does care, but he wont show the sorrow as he felt living 18 months in misery with me since i tried to turn him into someone he thinks he is not although he asked me so many times to better his life and thanked me for the life we built. Now when i dumped him (as he says), he feels that i gave him life of misery by enabling things for him and not letting him to be in control. To mention that we spoke so many times about these things and were giving each other love and saying we shall work things out; but he knew what will hurt me and although he said he did it under influence and he would never do it with clear conceious ; i start to believe that he did it in purpose to prove me how he feels great without me controlling things and how he wants to feel the power. Guess who he always calls to talk to and discuss solutions ? – ME.

He has guts to say that i made his life miserable by actually standing and supporting him even in bad decisions but i had faith.

I am crushed. I wrote him an email about it how it hurts to hear that he calls our adventures life miserable in front of a few of his friends; but when he speaks to me he says that he was happy and that he is trying to point fingers into me to be that person who suggested him to go to treatements and patiently waited to build things together. His response to my email is that he does not know what to say but it is killing him to be without me; but then he says that he never said that he can not live without me and that he misses his independence to be alone; but when it comes to leave the house he asks me how can i ask him to leave when he has no place to go.

I just can not win and i am not trying. I am even saying to stay until he finds something as i really feel bad to leave him on the street although i know he will find his way – he is a survivor.

Any suggestion for me how i handle these comments of him telling people how i made his life miserable but when with me alone he says that he was very happy but upset that i dumped him and how he wanted to get out of this relationship a long time ago as he was not able to do things he wanted to do as an addict.

All these treatments….for nothing and he says he will go into recovery and puts all the blame on me how i behave crazy when he actually hangs up the phone and then i stopped answering his calls since i did not want to feel disrespected anymore. I am a communicator; but i became very stressed out not knowing how to respond to his manipulation as this is my first time and i only thought he wanted better life and he proved me with treatments and i was happy seeing that he started having things under his own control as i only wanted a partner and not to control anyone’s unpredictable behaviors. But it is all my fault.

Please advise. I really hurt and i know that we were happy until the point when he had to reduce it and stop and once the chance was out of my site and out of treatment – the bad decisions happened.

Thank you.

Mshurt

[esta]

I am so sorry you are in so much pain

I hope you are putting some distance to him now

I can tell you that he will never tell you the whole truth EVER

They have two lives

Almost like a personality disorder

Which they probably do have as the brain chemistry becomes so altered

I have found out things from other people and by using his phone when he was crashed out and he would still get really angry and tell me it wasn’t true

People were just out to ruin our marriage making things up

That is was only about the drugs

There was no cheating

He would never ever do that to me

So my brain was in total conflict I knew deep down he was lying but I so wanted to believe him

But there is no smoke without fire

And because my ex is on a psych ward he sometimes thinks he is talking to someone else and the things I have learned; I did suspect but as you say they damage you because you can’t believe this is your partner who has been leading this disgusting double life

I have even learned he has a secret child that was born just after his first daughter to a women he used to see behind then girlfriends back and they did crack and heroin together

He also used the drugs with his girlfriend when she was pregnant

Some morals ??

The coke world is like another dimension everyone knows everyone

Everyone’s best mates but scamming each other

the dealers scamming the addicts the addicts scamming each other it’s a total world of chaos

Coke heroin tramadol pregablin Valium Polydrug use to regulate their emotions and functioning

Sexual favours in exchange for drugs

Escorts – sex sites – internet hook ups –

It’s all normal to them

It’s just what happens

And as part of that – secrets are kept – because all their main priority is getting hold of drugs and keeping that going and when you are off it you are disinhibited and don’t care

The women/girls definitely offer BJ as a norm and they will have sex for drugs and cash

Many of us keep the Fassade of their life going so they look respectable and functioning

You have to step away to remember who you are and what your boundaries used to be – take out the drugs – you wouldn’t put up with any of it

Reclaim your strength and yourself and live life truthfully and happily

I would never have believed that my ex was the man I came to find they become master manipulators and their is no end or boundary to the lengths or depths they will go to

They tell you what you want To hear

Trust your intuition. – it is always right

Forgive yourself and let it all go

[thistim3]

Esta tells the truth! I have almost 5 decades in this. I still don’t know what happened! He won’t talk about it. When the topic comes up, he has a look on his face that I have only seen on this topic. It’s a look of discomfort, shame, and possibly trauma. I thought I knew this man, love of my life. When this topic comes up. I can only guess wtf is happening to him – and me. He has told me that he wishes that none of it ever happened (I believe him), that if I knew – I would leave him now after all these years (35-40 years ago the events happened with his coke years). I’m ready to hear it, he won’t tell it. Sometimes I wonder who has it worse – me the betrayed or him the staying clean addict. I figure sooner or later he will tell me about all of it. I’m scared. I can’t unknow it after he tells it. Where will I be with it then?

[esta]

You know what I realise

It’s always about them and what they need and those who put so much into helping them get little recognition

We are left broken

What we must remember is we don’t have anything to prove

You know the truth in your heart

They will abuse you a along as you let them

I wish you strength x

[thistim3]

All true. If I could have trusted my own self all those years ago, I would have left him then. I even know how I could have. I have recently planned it all out. No other choice, as this is a battle that realistically not many win. And yet, we had, maybe, one of the best outcomes as he quit the coke more then 30 years ago (except for 2 very short relapses). As bad as it was, our story could have been so much worse. Still it is hard to believe eventhough I know now it is true – this scenario that Esta describes. We were together years before the coke years. This coke shit is capable (and did) of turning him into this horror show. It could happen to anyone. It leaves me with a old wound. Ripped wide open – bigger then before. I trusted him, which I’m supposed to. He is my husband. I have been living a life that didn’t include the whole truth. How can I make myself better with it all? I have to, I want to. I believe it is possible to heal from this, but not sure exactly how.

[Author]

Posts